Next steps,

Thanks so much for your input. You really sound like you know how it feels. I’m glad to hear you find contentment in little everyday things, I’ve been doing that lately too. I went for a walk earlier and watched a huge bunch of birds rise and come down again in a field each time I took a step closer to them. It was simple and peaceful.

All,

Do I think I deserve better? Hmmm, I deserve to be told I’m loved and that someone wants to spend their life with me and adores me. But my problem is that I still have my ex on such a pedestal. I’ve been trying to chip away at this ideal but it’s not faltering. I loved being with him, I didn’t like the disappointment but even including that, it’s the best I have ever felt in my life.

I think I could go out and eventually find someone who would say they love me or want a future with me, but they wouldn’t be who I want. I feel I wouldn’t have the same connection, chemistry, attraction and general sense of pride I had with my ex. So therein lies the loss of hope that I might find someone better.

I’m genuinely not deliberately trying to be negative, I’m just expressing how I feel with the aim of perhaps giving you more insight into where I’m at and maybe why I’m here.

I was exhausted yesterday, hence the delayed reply! I started my new part-time make up course after work and I’m already looking forward to my next class! I hope this feeling continues.

I spoke to my therapist yesterday and we debated and discussed various things. He opened up the suggestion to me that perhaps I’m not seeking new challenges or a way forward in life, not because I’m afraid of failure but because I’m afraid of success. I’ve always struggled with this theory. Who would be afraid of success? Failure is far scarier! Whereas as he says to me, failure is more familiar to many people, but success….success can mean change and I think we all know how I feel about change!

It was just food for thought and he asked me to consider it over the next week or two. I’m hoping to bury my head at work and then my course tomorrow and avoid the muck that is Valentines Day for me this year.

Michelle,

Im so happy you reached your destination safely and hopefully are now enjoying some well-deserved R&R?!

Michelle,

You make some interesting points. Sometimes, all this stuff goes a bit over my head, but I try to understand as best I can. I feel my happiness was tied to the life I thought I would have with my ex –  not healthy I know, it it is what it is. So is it a subconscious thing then that I don’t want to get better? How do I control this? I’m afraid of being alone I guess and I’m also afraid of feeling like this forever, that I will never get over that relationship!

Sorry for the barrage of questions, I’m just trying to understand as best I can, but of course I appreciate all your input. It’s kind of you to take the time to consider my situation.

Michelle,

The list is not coming yet I’m afraid. It’s like I keep putting things off, until I have the time, or until it becomes clearer. Which is nonsense I know.

I just can’t find my compass. I feel I’m living a life I don’t particularly want right now and as a result couldn’t be bothered making the best of it. Also, I’m not kidding, that eye twitch that started four weeks ago is driving me to distraction! I went to the optician and they couldn’t she any more light on the problem so I don’t know where to turn now. It’s a bit like a dripping tap on your forehead, it gets in on you!

Also, I’m getting a little worn out dreaming of my ex every single night. How can I control my unconscious? It’s not possible so it’s unfair that both my waking and sleeping hours are given to thoughts of him. However, I am doing my best when I consciously think of it, to say ‘not now’ during the day, when I notice my mind running away with me.

Starting my new make-up course part-time next week, so I’m a little nervous! I hope your packing is going well!

Kkasxo,

Can i just say that NOTHING you ever write on here will bring me down. Even if you are having a terrible terrible week, you’re not on here to just help others feel better, you’re hoping to get some help from others too and that’s what we are here for. I have days where I have nothing to contribute and feel meh and only want a rant…..and that’s okay. Having emotions is okay…it’s allowed! Throughout my life there were a lot of things going in my family and I often bottled up my feelings to that I could take care of others, or at the very least not cause them any extra stress. Therapy has helped me realise, this was not ideal. Emotions are meant to be expressed.

I do know that anxiety and depression really don’t improve a huge amount if you feel you are battling them alone. They thrive on the feeling of loneliness and solitude. So I think it’s time to bring your family into the mix. Each person in life has to figure out a way of dealing with things and it’s not your responsibility to keep worrisome thoughts from them. I know you love them, but they love you too and that’s what family is for. I hated dumping on my pregnant sister last autumn and having to have her by my side for weeks on end, she has a toddler too and had enough on her plate, but ya know what….I couldn’t do it on my own. I had no choice, I needed her and she was there for me and when she needed a break, my other sister was there for me and when she needed a break, my best friend was there for me. Humankind is about our relationships to others. Don’t try and fight it alone, it takes strength to ask for help, you are NOT a burden. You’re a wonderful lady who is struggling a bit and needs a hand. It won’t be forever. So reach out.

And remember, you can rant here all day long if you like. Sometimes just knowing you’re not alone is a solace in itself. That goes for me too…because at the end of the day, we all have to take our own actions, regardless of what advice we receive, so a forum like this can just be for thinking out loud and that’s perfectly ok.

Good morning Michelle,

Your advice makes absolute sense and nothing I don’t often know myself, so I’m happy to take it! The physical pain is really bothering me this week, I hope it improves soon because it makes my tolerance for things so short. My sister is exhausted. Her 18-month old seems to be getting two tough teeth and is not sleeping well, so she is struggling to mind herself and mind him, but I’m helping when I can. I think her due date is Feb 23rd, but I think it might happen before then!

I hope @kkasxo is doing okay. I miss her on here too and hope she is coping okay.

Hi Michelle,

I’m on a day off today and actually still in bed. It weird, I feel tired but not for any particular reason. I feel like I could just stay in bed all day. Just a ‘meh’ feeling. But my sister wants me to join her at the pool today because she’s soon to give birth and the bump is so heavy, she just wants a reprieve, so I must get up!

I follow a lot of accounts on Instagram about self love and knowing what you deserve etc, so everyday I get a daily dose of messages about not chasing someone who is not investing in you. I’m hoping it will sink in eventually, because it appears, I haven’t gotten to that enlightened position yet.

I have another therapy session next week, I had hoped to push it to every fortnight or even stop it soon, because it’s expensive and I’m not sure if Im progressing much, but next week is a vomit-inducing holiday on the 14th so I figured I need the extra session!!!

Nothing planned for this weekend, I feel like I’m getting more and more attracted to spending time in bed. Hmm.

How are you doing?

Michelle,

Wow, that’s a new suggestion which has not been mentioned to me by anybody! I can’t imagine having a magical fairy godmother with a blank canvas, imagine! I’ll give it a go.

I too hope Kkasxo is okay, I know she was taking a few extra days off around the weekend too as part of her break away, so she may not be back yet. I hope everything went okay for her and she is doing okay.

Michelle,

You’re right. Everything you have said there has relevance to me. I’m feeling particularly blue today, which is in stark contrast to the ambivalence I experienced in January. It’s so frustrating not knowing what to expect. Lately I have been trying to talk to myself to tell myself it’s over. To try and get it to sink in. Because ultimately, I still don’t believe it I guess. I know I have been surviving but I am most definitely holding on to it and don’t know how to let go.

I do indeed want to be in a healthier space myself, that’s probably the only reason for me not contacting him – because I want to be strong enough to endure whatever may come. My therapist is great but lately I’ve been feeling as though there has not been a whole amount of progress on my part, that I’m plateauing. I can’t go back it seems, but I have no desire to go forward to something I don’t want. It’s a strange old place to be.

Also, now I’m in the awkward position of having to let someone down gently (the date) – who wants to go on another date. He is a nice person, but definitely not for me, why do I bring these situations upon myself – I hate hurting people’s feelings!

P.S- I hope you are well?