Hi Michelle and all,

Today has been a roller coaster. I had a terrible nights sleep worried about my sister in hospital in labour, I barely slept two hours and was also on edge listening to the monitor in case the toddler stirred in his room. When I heard she had a beautiful baby boy during the night I was relieved but was too wound up for sleep.

This morning was a frenzy of getting the toddler ready for nursery and getting him there. He was dubious and clung to me and screamed getting in the car, which he never does. He must have known things were not as they usually are! I ended up with more pain as it was difficult to get him into car seat when he was having a meltdown.

I made it to the city and picked up some essentials for my sister but then the nurses told her I couldn’t go in. (Her husband had been sent home around 6am so he was catching an hour or two of sleep). Eventually I snuck in and gave her the few things she wanted and met my angel nephew. He’s perfect, just perfect. I’m already in love!

I then had therapy and the meeting with my ex and the lack of sleep and monthly hormones and anxiety over my sister and all the change- I just cried for 60 minutes. It came flooding out. My therapist felt it was all the tears and hurt I kept in during my meeting with my ex which I disguised so as not to scare him off.

I explained that I’m fed up. I’m clearly not a person capable of copping on and moving on OR at the same time can’t accept what I know would be the type of relationship with my ex if we reconciled. He feels I’m at the position now where I’m trying to make myself be a person who can accept what is on offer.

Honestly my mind and heart are in knots. I can not believe that I will life a future part of my life where I don’t feel a loss and don’t feel alone. For some reason it’s beyond comprehension or imagination for me.

I love being with him. But I don’t love not moving forward. So how can I reconcile this- that’s my main problem. My therapist says one of the most important things we should learn is how to quit. He said many people put so much weight into the idea that you can get and achieve whatever you dream if you work hard enough, but he believes giving up can be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make in the right context.

It was all so draining. Then I had my course which was intense for two hours!I’m exhausted and now my car is being tested for roadworthiness – I feel like I’m back at school being examined!!!!

Tomorrow morning he and I are supposed to be going fishing – he is maintaining his polite distance in our text communication but made the plan anyway, so we’ll see what will be said tomo.

I felt like running away to a rainforest today – I genuinely truly did. X

Victoria,

Welcome back. It sounds like you are still dealing with a lot. Have you started seeing a therapist? I think you should, there seems to be a lot of stuff you’re sorting through and to be honest, therapists can understand a lot better than us at times.

It might be time to say goodbye to your ex, you’ve tried and tried but as time goes on, just reading your posts, it’s not sounding any more like an ideal situation- more like one that causes you both pain and confusion.

Maybe it’s time for you to do you now. Have a relationship with yourself and nurture that- find out what issues have impacted you and learn from them and grow and hopefully secure some peace for yourself?

Malachy,

Thanks for getting in touch. When I started the thread it was 15 days after my breakup but it’s now been 5months. My anxiety levels are not what they were thankfully, due to support, therapy, some medication and the passage of time I guess.

I have been trying to get in touch with myself but some days I find it incredibly profound and hard to figure out, so hopefully my therapist can help me a little more during my session this week.

@kkasxo

Yep, he’s trying to be decent. He’s nothing of not decent. It’s infuriating. I have such poor sleep, I’m exhausted and my chronic pain is particularly bad today. Also, I’ve been staying with my sister as it’s just past her due date and she’s been having some pains, so won’t be long more I think. I guess that has me on edge too until she goes in and has a healthy baby and is healthy herself.

Ive come home to my own bed tonight to try and get some rest, and she’s gonna call if there is any movement. I took the next week off work to help her with her toddler when the baby arrives. But I’m definitely out of sorts.

I don’t know what’s going on. Sometimes I feel I’m a disappointment to people on the forum here who give me advice and I can’t seem to understand it or follow it. I’m trying and my head gets so overwhelmed and humbled by all I read and learn. I do NOT know wtf I’m supposed to be doing. I’m lost. Completely lost.

I hope I don’t drag you down with this post, but some of our issues are similar and I’m hoping you can get where I’m coming from. I adore the help I’m getting on here from wonderful people but sometimes I feel like I’m not smart enough or insightful enough or evolved enough to truly understand and implement it.

Since my breakup I have over and over again read and heard that this will change me forever for the better. I’ll truly know myself, I’ll learn lessons, I’ll be the person I was meant to become. I have explained this somewhat to my therapist but he doesn’t tend to go into it too much. He’s clever though, and I feel really understands me so I think he feels I get too overwhelmed at times with existential angst that there is no point sending me down further rabbit holes when I can’t even get out of the ones I’m currently in. I’m sorry if this is a stream of consciousness tonight, honestly sometimes I wonder what sort of a mind I have.

Life is not easy. It’s iust not. And you know what, I’m kind of tired of challenges. I’ve had a lot throughout my life and it doesn’t seem to get better. Good things are taken from me and I’m expected to struggle on. Just because I have to. Life is a gift I’m told. But is this the case for everyone? I’m not doing anything too extraordinary with mine, so perhaps the powers that be should get their money back!

I love being in the company of my ex, but how can it work out when he hasn’t changed, or learned or grown? How can I accept less when even. now I’m sad to be out of his company?

Bring back the years where I sailed through life and never opened my heart romantically I say!

I hope you managed the weekend okay, are you still feeling in a slump? Trust me when I say i can relate. x

Hi there,

I have organised to meet up with my ex this afternoon. It’s not that I believe it is the smart thing to do, but I feel like there was no point living as though I would eventually do it either. I don’t think that was any better of a route to move forward.

Sure, it was nearly two months since I’ve spoken to him, butmy feelings hadn’t changed and I always felt it was only a matter of time before I’d contact him again. If I planned to do it one weekend, and i’d put it off, it would only be until I felt there would be a more suitable weekend. I was getting worn out from the constant limbo.

I tried to say to myself many times that it’s over, and that I would never contact him again, but it never sank in really. I would like to be a person who feels differently, that feels I am better off alone or that one day I’ll be happy and even find someone else, but it’s not there, I just don’t feel that way.

I don’t know how today will go, I have no idea why I really arranged it, it’s not sitting well in my tummy, but I think that might be genuine fear. If it is, so be it. I’m at the stage now, where if the outcome is complete embarrassment and brutal heartbreak to my face, then maybe I’ll suffer that to finally move on, because I guess while I’ve done a lot, my feelings towards him are not shifting and I can’t stay like this forever.

Kkasxo,

Sorry for delay, it didn’t show up that you had posted.

I don’t know what’s going on with me. I don’t know where I am tbh. It’s hard to figure out. I downloaded this healing course thing from a woman who was devastated by a broken heart in the U.S, but it’s all about digging deep and listening to inner voices etc and it’s not really clicking with me. I spend a good amount of time each day trying to figure out ‘what I really want’, ‘who I really am’, ‘why I haven’t been giving myself’- honestly it’s exhausting and frustrating in equal measure. I mean, what the heck does it all mean anyway? Nothing is coming to the fore, I’m not ‘realising’ things, I’m not figuring myself out. I feel like it’s just a waste, and maybe I should just go back to dealing with life like I did before I had any insight etc. I miss my ex. Some days I feel like I don’t miss it as much, other days I feel as if I need to try out to him at every available opportunity. I feel I have no direction.

I can understand how exhausting the depressing feeling must be. I may well be on the road to that myself. What do YOU believe is the way out of it, of moving forward. Don’t think about the answer too much, I’m not talking philosophically- just asking you off the cuff- stand back- what’s the way to deal with this do you think?

A location change could very well be the thing you need, who knows? It may take you out of the cycle you’ve been in where you are?

Hi all,

Emotions really are a rollercoaster. It’s so unfathomable to me why one day I feel relatively positive and okay and the next I’m lost and sad and needing to retreat.

@kkasxo, how are you doing? I hope the weekend went okay for you

Kkasxo,

I do want space – a little corner of the world to call my own and close the door and not expect anyone and where I can just be. Sometimes I dream of flying away and starting a new life but my heart and head go where I go, so no escaping them!

I can imagine there is a weird feeling at home for you. Here’s why. You, my dear, are growing. From everything you have been through, you have gained more insight and are seeing sides to yourself you didn’t even know existed until recently. Growth means change and MOST people do not like change. It is something to be fearful of for most and and inconvenience at best for others. Your family are used to you putting them first (not consciously), of ‘being strong and never complaining much’, so this is new for them. They are off kilter. This is what growth is- it jars the status quo.

Nowadays I’m a bit better at putting myself first when I need to and let me tell you, the reaction from those around me has really opened my eyes. Many people I love want me to be happy, but they themselves don’t like too much change, so my growth is irking them a little, but baby steps and they get used to it.

You’re not doing what you have done your whole life anymore. You are doing something new. You are allowing your heart and mind to fall, the way you need to, rather than putting in a brave front and pushing it aside. It’s like a Monica closet, keep stuffing stuff in there and eventually it’ll all come tumbling out.

You’re human. With a depth of emotion and just because you’re now at a point where the culmination of your life experience thus far has taken a heavy toll on you, it is just one stage of your story. There is much more to come. Yep, you might look back on this and say 2018/19 was the period when I was in huge depression, but you’ll improve. It takes work and time, but it is most definitely possible. I’ve seen it.

As for me, I have started the night school make up course and it’s super intense actually, but I’m enjoying it and I’m so busy with it, I don’t think about anything else while in class. So that runs until summer so I’m not gonna make any career change before then as I still need to keep a stable income for the duration. But I have theoretical ideas about OZ in the autumn, but I’m a wimp so they may stay ideas forever.

I’m now home and have the house to myself and a fire on and sweatpants and I don’t intend to move this evening! When are you going away?

Next Steps,

Thanks for the pep talk. It’s hard to still imagine someone who was so integral to my life, is not in it anymore or worse, won’t ever be in it again. I still find this difficult to come to terms with. To be honest, I didn’t dwell too long on V Day as I had my course after work again yesterday and I was just exhausted by  last night. I stayed with one of my best friends who lives closer to my work and her family. Her toddler is my godchild, so it was nice seeing them, but actually I just hit the hay early so it was all fine.

One day maybe I will see my ex as someone I can smile about, but right now it just causes me pain and confusion, so I’ll keep working on it. I agree, I am where I am right now – emotionally speaking – and when I try to be better or when I try to change, it causes me angst and anxiety, but it’s something I’m working on.

I hope you had a nice Thursday yourself! At least it’s nearly the weekend time!

Michelle,

Wow 7 weeks of exploring….that’s incredible, I’m jealous! I hope you have the most wonderful experience.

As for V Day, I don’t put much time into it either and I would have been mortified to ever receive anything at work –  I agree, it has always been commercial and insincere in a way, so I’m not at a loss for the day itself. It was more the reminder that my colleague had what I thought I would have one day, a husband who loves here at home and it’s afraid to embarrass himself with the cliché that is V Day. I just felt lonely I guess, but the day passed quickly as I had my course after work and it was so intense but I really like. I was exhausted last night!

I’ll hold my hands up and say I needed the security because I think I have an insecure attachment style. I actually like to hear the words I love you or for someone to show me regularly that they are thinking about me….and I know that has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I’ve discussed it with my therapist, it’s something I’m working on. However, if I have insecure attachment style, he very much had avoidant attachment style. He could not make future plans. About anything.

We never spoke about where we would be in 5 years time. Whenever I brought it up in a non-accusatory and non-confrontational away about my age etc, he would sort of freak out. He was always very afraid. So he said he didn’t want to get married. That hurt. He did talk about having kids and how we would raise them, but these mentions were few and far between and while the odd time he would give way to the idea, more times he admitted he was very scared of the responsibility of having children.

To be honest, I would settled in the end for even just living together as a step towards some sort of commitment. I spent months looking for properties to rent, but he always seemed reticent for any suggestions I made. It became frustrating. He would have said he wanted a place with me, but then his actions didn’t follow the words.

Essentially I think if he looked deep inside himself, he would find that he did want all those things. I genuinely don’t know another guy who deserves to be happy and have a family more, it’s hard to explain, but he just had it….the vibe….the whatever, he would have been a great Dad. Anyway, fantasising aside, he ended the relationship in the end. He found it too hard. He said he wasn’t sure if he’s cut out to be in a relationship and that he thinks he’s meant to be alone.

I saw this as fear and as I explore it more with my therapist, I’m gaining more insight and it seems to be a combination of fear and an attachment to his family of origin, leaving no room for a life with me. It just makes me sad because he STILL doesn’t know what he wants. With anything..in life in general. Before Christmas when we met, he said he’s still trying to figure it out, but he can’t figure out what will make him happy. It’s my belief he’s too scared (for whatever reason) to even explore that. My therapist says he has chosen to not try and that’s as far as he can go. I have grown over these past years, he has not. Because trust me when I say, I WAS MY EX, for many many years. I didn’t let anyone in and had zero vision for a future. I just plodded along and figured I’d end up where I’d end up. But I found therapy and opened my heart to love and then I began to change, to grow.

Anyway, I thought earlier this week, i would meet up with him and try to talk. But as the weekend approaches, I feel I won’t. This happens regularly. I’d love to say it’s because I know better, but if I’m honest, it’s probably just fear on my own part!

@Kkasxo,

Hope you’re doing okay. Let me know if you need anything at all. x