Hi Michelle,

The image of the sun rising over the river sounds absolutely wonderful, I can picture it in my mind’s eye as I read your post. I’m so envious! I have not booked tickets to Oz yet as I heard that the best time to purchase plane tickets is 6 weeks before travel? I really do need to save up though as I’m broke, especially after paying for my course.

I can completely understand the perspective you have in relation to my ex. It looks bad, I know how it looks. I see your point, it does appear as though he gets what he wants, while I’m jumping through hoops. It’s funny, it a ‘normal’ situation – yes you would expect contact from someone you spent a romantic weekend with, but with him, it was always minimal contact anyway. He’s a terrible communicator in every sense of the word. It’s not because he’s a ‘player’ as such and he’s living his best life getting what he wants (although I know why you would see this) – I feel it’s genuinely because he is utterly clueless. He has no idea how to adult in many ways. I’m his first relationship and I don’t think he understands how it all works.

So teach him, people would say….and I have…in the past….I’d get frustrated and passive aggressive, but I started to realise he just didn’t cop…..and getting angry started to feel pointless. There are definitely reasons to walk away from this man (if I were able 🙁 ) but there are also so many reasons to try, I appreciate who he is, flaws and all. But nonetheless, I was awake most of the night and my anxiety levels rose again. Of course they did.

I can’t settle, I know that. I tried and it just pours out of me, despite my best attempts to be easy going and not desire more. But I’m with him, still in the hope it will work out. What is wrong with me, am I too childlike in my naivety? He’s an absolute idiot and it’s hurting me and yet I’m not turning on my heel and stomping off. I want it to work.

I caved and texted him about 1am today, he read the message at the time but didn’t respond. He has now responded to the request to meet so I’ll speak to him later, but honestly I don’t know how to improve this. To me, it seems the biggest waste of potential happiness for him to throw this away.

I don’t know, my head is muddled at this point.

Hi all,

Kkasxo, it sounds like you’re really finding it tough at the moment with anxiety and depression. They’re fear-based feelings that in turn create more fear by making you feel like you will always be this way. I don’t think you will. I feel you have a natural curiosity and a desire to seek more, be it knowledge or fulfillment or healing and I think those instincts will eventually win through, when you are ready. Small steps in the right direction. Like I’ve said before – control the controllable. So Michelle’s suggestion of working, eating, walking, exercising is something that can be a stable for you, no matter what happens. If you don’t end up with your ex, those things remain, when your family moves, those things remain. So they are constants, which you can start off with and build upon. Also, maybe suggest to your therapist that you would like to feel better, you’d like to actively improve your life. IF that is where you feel you are at right now. But a lot of people have said to me on this forum that you have to WANT your life to change, before you get the ability to change it and maybe you need more time.

Try getting back to the gym – even if you absolutely hate the idea – just set yourself a routine of doing it each evening or morning so that it just becomes habit and perhaps the endorphins will clear out a little bit of the mind and maybe help a little. I understand that you don’t feel safe now, no-one feels safe if they think there is immense pain on the way, and perhaps that’s what you’re trying to avoid. But you can tackle it, it doesn’t have to be a complete meltdown, you can work with your therapist and bit by bit break it down into manageable pieces.

Michelle,

I can’t say I’m romantically ‘back together’ with my ex to be honest. Yes we were romantic at the weekend, but I don’t necessarily assume that will continue. I see your point that I should not have so easily given into to spending an extra night away, however I was having such a wonderful time myself, I really wanted it to continue longer. I don’t know what I’m doing, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. There has been no contact for a couple of days and I don’t expect there to be any in the immediate future. Im trying to get through my week as best I can, still focusing on my course and meeting friends. I’m not slacking on that side and there has been no drop in my own personal commitments. I didn’t cancel anything at least that I had planned for last weekend to take up his offer and I don’t plan on doing that at any point to try and maintain some semblance of my own life and independence.

It’s hard because I love being with him and spending time together and I’m not naive I know I could easily get hurt again but the few people I’ve told have drilled it into me so much that it’s a mistake and that I’ll get hurt again, that I feel like the ONLY outcome now is heartbreak because of what everyone else keeps telling me that that’s what I’m facing, so now I feel like I’m simply waiting for the worst to happen now, when initially I was hopeful and happier. It is what it is I guess. I’m busy this week anyway, so as my therapist says that’s a good thing, just to keep going with my head down.

As for Vietnam, can I come there now please? It sounds beautiful and exotic and everything I crave in the world. I have always wanted to travel in that area so much, perhaps one day! Australia and NZ first anyway in the autumn. Im still planning to go ahead with that plan!

Kkasxo, here anytime for you, thank heavens for this forum. x

Kkasxo,

It sounds like fear is dominating everything for you at the moment. It’s a powerful emotion and can twist things into perspectives that may not be the truth.

I think a house share would be the best option for you right now. Even if your ex (current bf?!) does follow through, perhaps waiting a while to move in together until ye are on more stable & confident ground would be wise. So in the meantime, at least try and get settled somewhere yourself so that his actions won’t pull the rug from under you either way.

Change is terrifying. It makes sense. You’re dealing with a lot and managing to survive by keeping the status quo right now. But that will soon change and it can be frightening. That’s why preparation is key. We can’t control everything but if we sort out what we CAN control, it cuts down on the fear.

Check our some places and see how you get on. It’s never forever, it’s just a place to sleep and eat and worst case scenario you move again if you don’t like it, but that is worst case.

Its the unknown frightening you. Same as me. It gets me every time. What if I’m lonely, what if I don’t like it, what if he doesn’t change, what if I have to go through more pain and trauma. All fearful thoughts.

But……what if you really like your new place? What if you find a new friend in a new flat mate, what if it opens up new and bright possibilities. It’s just perspective I guess. The uncertainty will always cause fear, so grab the bull by the horns and take away some of the uncertainty.

Im ok, I guess I’m in trouble. Supposed to go away on fri with my ex for his bday which he didn’t get to celebrate because he was working. But no clue what it is. We have not been any way romantic since meeting up recently. It’s all been just friendly. I’m making the effort to get this off the ground again, he’s not. So I’m not an idiot, I am probably headed for a fall, but yet I still really like being with him. Says a lot about me……which doesn’t seem to be changing despite all my therapy and reading etc.

S x

Hi Emma,

welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a difficult time. It seems it’s the initial stages of grief. Like a death, when someone is suddenly gone from your life.

I think survival is your best bet right now. Do what you can do each day to try and make it through. Lean on family or friends and just talk nicely and kindly to yourself.

I think two months is extremely early yet in the grief process and it may just take more months for a slow shift.

Hi all,

Sorry for the absence, honestly I cannot find enough hours in the day. You guys know the ups and downs of the past week with family and friends and then I was told last Thurs that I have an exam for my course next Tuesday and also I was called in to work today (Sun) due to exceptional circumstances, so my life is 0 to 90 at the moment.

Griff, welcome. I’m sorry, I really am. It’s so heartbreaking when love doesn’t work out. I know exactly where you are right now. I wish there was anything I could say to make you feel even a slight bit better but I don’t think there is. You’re heartbroken and you just need to survive. Moving on and all that stuff will come later down the road. Just accept where you are now and do your best to survive. We are all here for you on this forum, which has been a life saver for me, just to rant and not face any judgement!

Kkasxo,

Well done- focus on what is right in front of you now, nothing too much more. So your living situation is your biggest concern at the moment, so let’s see if we can sort that in the coming couple of weeks. The other stuff will still be there. Perhaps make a pros and cons list in terms of location first and then let that lead you to decide a location. From there, perhaps take a look at house shares and see what you are willing to put up with! Let me know if I can help with research in any way!

Michelle,

You should write a book! You’re descriptive explanations really create a wonderful image in my mind’s eye. I sincerely want to travel where you are or have been now! I certainly don’t like touristy areas really or lager louts on tour, but the canaries is a good option for winter sun. We used always steer clear of main thoroughfares. I have really wanted to see La Gomera actually because so few people venture to that island and I think it would be fab.

As for my job, yes I would quit. I’m not going to lie, it’s been on the cards for years. It’s a difficult environment to work in a lot of the time and the only reason I haven’t quit is probably due to fear of the unknown. But fingers crossed if I pass my course, it will provide me with more options for work in the future and something I can use while travelling if I need to.

Hi there,

Michelle, your trip sounds so interesting and right up my alley. It’s the little things that make the big picture and I absolutely love to learn new things about new worlds. I love to hear where you’ve been each day/s.

You’re right. I don’t feel/believe that it’s possible to have a better love. Right now anyway. Maybe this will change, I don’t know. But I couldn’t even dream of what that would be like without feeling perhaps I would be escaping reality entirely!

Kkasxo,

im right there with ya! Want distance and peace and quiet but silently also terrified at the thought! It’s an ongoing dilemma. You are definitely maintaining the cynical approach with your ex anyway and that makes sense, once bitten twice shy. Actions are indeed a true display.

This week has been overwhelming. My friends younger brother was killed in a car collision and two days after the funeral her husband (who I also work with and am friends with) – his dad who was young and full of life and best mate to his son, died suddenly. My little brother has also had surgery on his face and with Work and the course, I’m at breaking point almost.

I really really want an escape with complete calm and peace soon!

No contact with my ex on a day to day basis. Only if we are organising a meetup.

Michelle & Kkasxo

It’s very confusing. I have repeatedly asked my therapist about my anxiety and unwillingness to let go. I have mentioned some of the advice on here and he disagrees. And he is extremely competent too in my view. I have straight out asked why I want to be with my ex so much when he doesn’t necessarily want to be with me. He says I love him, really love him and wanted it to work out. I ask am I scared of something, am I trying to get something from my ex which is a deficit. I tell him that I really want to know the trust and no need to sugar coat anything for me. He says he would always be honest with me and give me hard truths when I need them. He says I could definitely do with giving myself more self-love for sure, but that apart from that I love the ex.

Michelle, you have been through a similar process yourself so you have your own experience to add to it. I don’t know if I’m afraid. I must be I suppose. But on a conscious level I don’t feel I couldn’t survive a life without him, I just find it tragic to lose what I thought was something so special.

I travelled some by myself over the years and some with my ex. Travel is something I always enjoyed either with company or solo. Air Bnb is so handy nowadays!

Kkasxo,

I think you’re allowed to float. I tried for so long to rush past my pain and my struggle in the building and my therapist kept saying….shhhh….stop….slow down. Sometimes, in bad situations in life, surviving is an achievement. I’m aware nothing has changed much with my ex since but stupid hope won’t let go. Im also aware that something would have to change or grow in order for it to have a chance of working out a third time. Nonetheless, here I am, this formerly independent, savvy enough woman and Im still going there. Im sure that’s what has led Michelle to her conclusion about my situation.

Do you feel like doing anything Kkasxo? Would you consider going back to the gym once a week? At least you’re still going to counselling which is a good thing.

Lately I’ve been feeling like taking a trip somewhere remote with not too many people around! lol

Michelle,

Your trip sounds incredible – a wonderful way to live a life and you’re blessed to be able to do so, well done!

I think I can understand the WiFi situation, where I live in the country is almost dial up! It can be frustrating to say the least sometimes!

You mentioned I might be similar to Kkasxo at the moment- could you explain a little more?

Im extraordinarily busy at the moment, a few months ago I would have given anything to be so busy, just to help me get over the initial pain of the breakup, but right now, I’m getting overwhelmed. I feel like I want to take a week off and go somewhere by myself to sort my thoughts and feelings out but unfortunately that’s not a possibility at the moment.

There has not really been any contact with my ex since our fishing trip. He asked me if I’d like to meet up again as we said goodbye and I said I would. However there has not been any follow-up on either of our sides. It was his bday yesterday and I texted him to say happy birthday and he replied thank you.

Tbh, a lot of anxiety is coming from the lying too. To my friends and family. If I disappear for a day to go fishing, I’m missed. I have to fib and I don’t like dishonesty but I am 100% sure I don’t want to mention it to them.

I hve therapy tomorrow after work so I don’t really have an idea where to start. It’s all overwhelming and angsty at the moment and I’m swamped with my course, my work and my new godchild, not to mention trying to get in some exercise and maintain friendships. Eek.