Michelle,

Wow you don’t hang about! South Africa already? It’ll be incredible no doubt!

The family rows were silly & small but upset me at the time but it’s all fine now. There was no big clearing of the air or apologies, we just kind of….went back to talking about ordinary things.

I went to therapy today but I admit I’m very vulnerable at the moment because I’m laid up with pain and it always seems to get in on me, emotionally as well as physically.

Im hoping to really rest tomorrow, fingers crossed!

@kkasxo, miss you! Hope all is well.

@kkasxo,

Hi there, oh if only I were resting! My lack of posting is a mere reflection of the lack of hours in the day. I’ve been non-stop going & a few months ago, that’s ALL I wanted- to  stay occupied, but now it’s a lot.

Work is chaotic busy & my course is demanding & trying to get to see all my friends & spend time with family, and do other bits and pieces, I just wonder will it ever slow down again?! I have, however discovered online grocery delivery….I had to find ways to lessen the load on my plate- it’s miraculous! Who knew?!!

But I’m tired a lot. Ex still in South America. How are you doing hun?

Hi Michelle,

I don’t disagree with what you said. Thanks for taking the time to go through the whole situation in that way.

I’m not afraid of working on myself & if I have perhaps backed off from suggestions in that direction previously, even from others on this forum, it was because I have reservations about potential damage.

I spoke to my therapist in the past & genuinely I have a lot of respect for him, he’s good at what he does, and he was quite concerned about people online offering ‘psychological advice’ and what they were ultimately getting out of it themselves.

Now I hope you understand that I’m just being as honest as I can be. Because this is an online forum, I have always kind of had this last level or layer of protection about myself. I’m sure if we met in person, we’d get on like a house on fire and be lovely friends and I’m very glad you take the time to offer advice on an ongoing basis. I appreciate it probably more than you know.

I completely understand your perspective and that you believe it to be counterproductive to continue contributing to a conversation about my situation with my ex, so honestly I take no offence whatsoever for you detach from that element.

Im not wary of working on myself, just perhaps of doing it incorrectly or causing damage in some way. In my line of work, I have learned to become quite cynical in certain ways!

I will continue to look forward to your tales from all your trips as I definitely feel they give me perspective. Again, I’m not rejecting your offer as such, I’m just wary. I certainly appreciate the offer and the manner in which you conveyed it in a non-threatening, non-pushy way.

This you may simply clock up to me being unwillingly to work on myself, and there is nothing I can do to change your mind on that, as it seems a reasonable assumption. However, all I can say is that the idea of making my own inner self strong and happy sounds amazing and genuinely something I would be interested in, but just not sure if this forum sits well in my gut as the route for me….

Kkasxo,

You definitely sound like you’re up for being proactive- do you think that is a change from where you were maybe a fortnight ago- when you felt completely depleted? You definitely sound like you have more energy now, even if not happier, perhaps looking for a way out of the tunnel?

Hi all,

Just scanning the replies as quickly as I can to catch up, forgive me if I miss some.

Kkasxo,

How are you doing? Sleeping any better? Thanks for the advice on my situation, I really appreciate you giving me advice despite going through so much yourself as it is.

How is the house hunting going? Realistically at this point, do you WANT to live with Mr. A2? Or are you hoping it will go back to way things were if ye live together, where you would be warming his pyjamas for him on the radiator and you’d feel content and happy again? Or are you just doing it now cos you started down this path and feel you have to continue?

Michelle,

I still don’t know what my ex wants, because HE doesn’t know what he wants. He said he wanted us to have our own place but found reasons not to. He said he’s scared at the thought of being a parent, it terrifies him but hasn’t said outright that he doesn’t want them, he even suggested what activities he would do with a child if he had one.

Even now after we starting speaking after the split, I asked him if he’s happier not being in a relationship and he says he doesn’t know what will make him happy, he has no clue which way to go. So he breaks up with me so he doesn’t have to think about it.

I know I want more than what I’m getting now and evidently what I was getting before, but he’s genuinely such a great person, I feel the potential and I feel horrendous at the thoughts of ya not working out. I don’t know why I’m not a woman who says ‘hell no, I’m not sticking around for a ‘maybe’” but I am who I am. I am not that woman, I’m someone who keeps risking her heart.

Hi Kkasxo,

You’re incredible. Helping your friends family is so valuable right now. It our times of grief, the community really rallied around us and to this day, I will never forget what people did for us at that time. I meant more than those people will probably ever really know, so you are a huge gift to that family right now. Will there be a service or funeral? That really helps you come to terms with what has happened and process it a little better than having the final image in your head. It moves that image on somewhat to a more peaceful, natural one. I hope you find some solace in that and well done on going to therapy, it really can be a lifesaver and breath of fresh air when you need it most.

I’m sorry you don’t feel particularly happy with your ex at the moment, I’m with Michelle on this one. Love and support means being their for your priorities when they need you most. But, if you want things to change, maybe try something different and sit down and discuss it. Communicate. Silence will only build your resentment. I would say, ok ex….let’s try and do things differently and communicate more. The other night I felt…….and so on……and then ask him how he felt and what led him to make certain decisions about his night?

You are doing a lot better than you think you might be right now.

Michelle,

Don’t mind my mumblings, I don’t know what I’m saying half the time. A lot of stream of consciousness going on. I just want it to work out with my ex, but I am also prone to absorbing other people’s opinions and I can’t say that people are wrong either so I’m scared and constantly living with the anxiety of the axe I expect to fall again. I just want to be happy but I know for me to be happy, he needs to change and adapt too and I don’t know if that’s possible. A friend I confided in yesterday (who is a guy and an ex and not dissimilar in many ways to my current ex) said straight out…’Okay, you won’t change him. Just accept that, he is who he is and won’t change. Can you live with that?’. I don’t know, I know in the past I couldn’t and I don’t want to settle but I don’t want to be without him either, so I don’t have a clue how to manage everything.

He texts me from his trip, mostly just pictures and updates. I doubt he is missing me too much as there is so much distraction, but I miss him.

As for your return, Im so glad you got back safe and sound. Pity about the weather, it’s gone pretty nippy!

Hi all,

I’m feeling a bit blue this evening. So much for me keeping my cards close to my chest this time round…….I’m missing my ex while he’s away and negative thoughts just keep circling around my head. Whatever one is expected to learn after a breakup, I clearly didn’t as I’m counting down to his return. Despite being busy, despite continuing with my own life, it’s always there in the back of my mind.

@kkasxo, I’m gonna wait for your witty response!!!!

Michelle,

You really have ignited a desire travel within me, it sounds like exactly what I would love. Basic decisions, opening the mind and not thinking too much ahead. I love markets – I remember I went to a market in Marrakech and I could have stayed ALL day, my eyes couldn’t take in everything before me!

After the weekend together, my ex did text me later the night of my return to say he had a really nice weekend but was working at home and was exhausted. I replied to that. The following day he also texted me a funny video from his home town and again I replied in a friendly tone and he replied and I left it at that. So I suppose, I wasn’t very engaging I guess. Maybe I was testing him a bit to see what lengths he would go to to stay in contact, but in hindsight, perhaps it was a bit of game-playing, which I’m not a fan of. But I also didn’t want to be too readily available,,,create somewhat of a challenge, but he’s like a deer in headlights and I should have known, if he gets the slightest hint of potential hurt, he’ll bolt!

@Kkasxo, you seem to think you are in this by yourself. You’re not. I’m right here with you and sorry, but I am simply not giving up on you and you can’t stop me! I meet you (virtually) at such an horrific period in  my life and I feel you have now become someone whose wellbeing and welfare I now care for. If I don’t hear from you, I worry. You make me laugh sometimes with witty things you say and you have offered me great advice and light at the end of the tunnel in days gone by.

You are in a hole at the moment, that’s okay. You have a right to be. Stay there for a while, if you feel you don’t have the energy to pull yourself up right now. That’s ok too. But if you don’t come out of the hole one day, I’m just going to have to go down and get you Kammy, because we’re in this together. Remember our pact! I’m not letting you off the hook. Life is genuinely Sh+t right now, I know. But as Michelle says, we really really cant tell how it is going to turn out, within reason. A breakthrough could have just been around the next corner. You have love in your life, just hold on to that for now. I will literally hop on a plane and help you up from the floor in your pyjamas if you need me to!!!

Since I started the course, it has reduced my rumination somewhat, merely because I do not have the hours in the day to mull that much anymore. It doesn’t mean Im better or anything like that, it just means, I literally don’t have space to think right now, so look it, maybe if you really focus on finding a new place, it will distract you enough to disrupt the neurological pathway you have established by persistent negative thoughts encroaching on you.

You have way too much to contribute to this life not to let it out, some day. Whenever. But in the meantime, as my therapist says, survival is an achievement. So let’s just do that xx

Hi all,

Thanks for your last post Michelle, again it’s been a chaotic week, so it’s taken me a few attempts to read it through fully.

I will fill ye in however that my ex is now gone to South America. I caved on Sun night and asked if he’d be free to meet on Monday evening and we did.

He informed me that he was flying to S.America the following day for about a month to spend time with some family who is also travelling there at the moment.

I was shocked. Anyway, the encounter was fine, again I enjoyed his company and laughed. I don’t know what will happen on his return, we’ll see.

I’m so swamped at the moment, I can barely think about anything. Nonetheless, I’m still booking my trip Down Under and will check out the website you recommended Michelle.

@kkasxo, you still hanging in there? x