Kkasxo,

I know ALL about it! Work was crazy there for  me for about a month and I had barely time to sleep, let alone go online to tiny buddha! It sounds like you have found your special place, to feel safe and make your own! How do you feel about it? About living with the bf (?)? Do you think it would be the kind of place you will be happy to stay and feel stable in, even after family leaves or if something were to happen in your relationship? If so, I’m thrilled, well done you! Also I hope things are going well with your relationship and it’s amazing that you are now approaching life differently after all you have been through. You massively deserve a happy life! I missed you on here!

Michelle,

Would you believe, my friend who owns a hill walking company just mentioned to me in the past few days, how there are many parts of Wales which are beautiful to travel to! I have only ever driven through Wales once on my way towards London, but never stayed! I have a week off at the end of June where I just wanted to grab a few days away to clear my head, but the weather might be a deterrent – sunny Spain can be very appealing…and affordable!!! But we’ll see, Cornwall is also in the mix!

As for more travel, I don’t think I could be away from my little babies and toddlers in the family for as long as a year. I adore them and would miss them too much and would miss a lot of their development. But I don’t want to put a timeframe on it either because I might love it or I might hate it, so I want the option to return home in 3 weeks if I’m lonely, or be gone for 3 months if I so choose.

I suppose you are right, I feel comfortable going to countries where I have the language. The ex could speak some Spanish so that was quite handy for many areas. I speak school French but that’s about it. I did Italian in university but never kept it up. It’s funny, South America and South East Asia never really appealed to me, probably because I was too scared maybe of the culture shock or going alone! Although I have dreamed of places like Tibet and Cambodia and Bali!!

In the U.S I would hope to be able to stay with friends in NYC, Boston, Wisconsin, but other than that, would have to see accommodation. Slow travel is such a wonderful concept….I like it! I love history and I love being outside but I’m not brilliant with severe heat. High 20s is about the best I can manage!

I would like to depart Sept/Oct at the latest. Are there any particular safety tips for travelling alone, little things I could buy or insurance I could purchase? Also, this might seem silly, but I take medication for anxiety (hopefully not for long more) but I get it on a monthly basis, I wonder how it works if you need that medication abroad.

Ooh, I actually can’t believe I’m even writing about this…denial….I must be in complete denial…..!!!!

Morning all,

Well things are today…finally settling down. It’s been a hectic few weeks. But of course, now I am starting to hurt more. I admit I have no idea how to live my life. I don’t feel happy or fulfilled. I miss my ex in some ways, and not in other ways. I had no notion of thinking about him after we split for good a few weeks ago, I said he’s long gone and I did everything I could. Now the raw neediness tears at the edges of my heart again. I still have the urge….I won’t contact him, I just won’t. The last break was too much and I’m way more mad this time. He said he fears HE would resent ME down the road and that has completely gotten my back up. That one sentence has closed the door entirely for me. But I still miss being with him.

I’m not sure what my purpose in life is. I’m going through a bit of an existential crisis I guess. I feel like I’m a good friend – as much as I can be –  and a good sister, daughter and aunt. Is that what my life is meant to be? Am I meant to be here for them and try and make their lives better? I just can’t see anything that will fulfill me right now. Plus I get overwhelmed thinking about what’s meant to happen next.

Life is hard, really hard in my opinion. Many many times I wish I could go back to my 20s when I was blissfully ignorant and way less self aware. Things were much easier to deal with and I felt content, even if it wasn’t real contentment. It felt like it at the time.

My course is finished now so I have exams next week. So I guess I’ll keep studying this week and try and figure things out as I go. I feel really sad, not just about the relationship…although mostly….but sad in general. I’m sad and down. I hope life gets better soon. x

Hi all,

Im zombie tired. A major crisis at work meant I’ve been working straight through the night the past few days and nights. Eventually got home at 6am today and slept until this evening.

Early start for me again tomorrow but at least it’ll be back to routine. Adrenaline kept me going since the split with my ex and the distraction of a busy busy life right now. However today, with it finally slowing down & me being exhausted, anxiety and sadness are creeping back in.

Corinne, thanks for the advice. Sounds about right. But I can’t think about him anymore. I’ve spent 4.5 years trying to figure him out, trying to see his perspective and empathise, trying to help him grow, I did all you suggested during those years. It didn’t work, he was too scared, didn’t want to, didn’t feel I was worth it, I don’t know. But I can’t keep hoping, because that is what has destroyed me I think.

I have to try and live the life I’m left with, sad and depressing as it might be. It’s what I’ve been dealt, so maybe I don’t get the happy ever after, I just gotta accept this is my life now and try to forgot about what I could have had.

Ill give a better update when I get some more sleep. Thanks all x

Michelle,

Thank you. I don’t regret it. I’m heartbroken again yes, bu I still don’t regret it. I did what I felt was right for me at the time.

I wish I could be mad, but it’s just not there. He tried. He physically & mentally could not do it. So I can’t make someone who say..can’t sing a note, sing beautifully, just because I want them to, even though their vocal chords simply won’t let them. I fell in love with someone who can’t sing. It’s unfortunate, but I suppose it’s nobody’S fault.

So no screaming or yelling this time, just sadness. A low heart and some crying. I may be in denial stage right now, I don’t know.

You really hit a chord in my chest with your last line Michelle. I don’t know how you can know/believe that, but it made me cry. I guess maybe I’ve never believed it x

Hi all,

It comes as no surprise to anyone reading this, albeit still a surprise to me, that I am back where I started. With a broken heart.

I don’t need to pick through it, I don’t need to analyse it anymore, it is over and will not work. He ended it last night, something I thought he was committed to not doing this time round.

However, some people cannot overcome who they are or change who they are no matter how hard they try.

I’m just so sad and trying to deal with it alone this time and hide it from others as obviously I hadn’t told anyone, except my cousin.

This is just the life destined for me. So be it.

What I wouldn’t give to be drinking lovely Spanish wine on a balcony right now!

My day job is extremely stressful and I achieved a university masters to get into this industry, my employer pays atrociously poorly. I suppose I’m at the stage of life now, where I want to actually have something to show for myself & not live in constant overdraft.

I have secured a small loan however to follow through on my travel plans, even if I’m scared, I should just do it.

I’m unsure if I make the right or wrong decisions in life. I’m in a situation with the ex which I knew I was getting into, yet somehow seem surprised if things happen in a certain way. I don’t know, I’m trying to be this strong resilient secure person, but I am who I am too and maybe that’s just me.

Hey Kkasxo and Michelle,

It’s been a hectic few weeks again (what’s new?!). So good to hear from you Kkasxo. So….. a lot has been going on. I really really empathise with how you feel. My ex is back and we’ve been spending time together again, behaving like a couple. Obviously under the radar however. I like you, wonder am I making a mistake, I feel it will end again as it has twice before, I worry about it a lot, but then I have amazing times with him too and I try to tell myself, this is my path and my journey and yes, it might be a mistake, but maybe it’s a mistake I’m meant to make. I can’t say. But I could live my life afraid of making lots of decisions but heck, I’m just going to go for it and deal with the consequences.

When he got back from S.America he said me missed me. We’ve been getting wonderfully….as always….but that’s it. Nothing particularly new and I’m aware enough to understand that something must change for there to be a different outcome in any situation in life. I find the lying and concealing to my family and friends is taking somewhat of a toll on me. However, I’m not ready to tell people yet, because once I do, I will inevitably have to defend the decision and provide them with the evidence that would suggest it may work out differently this time, and of course I don’t have anything yet. So until I have clarity, I can’t give clarity to other people.

We had a long weekend together over the past few days and it was lovely and easy going and after a few (too many) drinks, some things were mentioned but not ideal conversation time and most of it is fuzzy in my head now! I then spoke to him yesterday and explained that we cannot do what we did before and expect a different result. He acknowledged this. I said I would prefer to have our own place where we could explore our relationship and give it space to breathe away from the demands of both our families. I asked him what he wants for his future but he still doesn’t know. He says he finds it scary to think about and I said I would support him if he wants to work on that and develop and grow through it, but that while I want a future with him, I don’t want a future with someone who isn’t sure they want a future with me. He is so awkward in these conversations, constantly trying to divert away from the serious content, to jokingly talk about something unrelated. I call him on it now though and he says he feels I know him a bit ‘too well’ now! He said we ‘complement’ each other and I literally said….’ya know what complements each other…MINT AND LAMB…mint and lamb complement each other…or salt and pepper…..I’m not a condiment, you better come up with something better’! Anyway, I told him to have a think about stuff over the next while. It wasn’t an ultimatum, just food for thought and we’d meet at some stage soon again. We’ll see.

I have my godson’s christening coming up in a few weeks and I certainly won’t be inviting my ex, but at the same time, isn’t it frustrating that I’m not in a relationship where my significant other would just be alongside me at important events in my life?!

Also, I’m a little stressed with my course worth and actually….some female health issues the past while, so I’m biting the bullet and not waiting and getting it checked out. No point in worrying needlessly. So finger crossed.

Michelle,

There is never not a a time I don’t want to hear about your travels, so please keep the contributions coming. It’s wonderful to hear about your travel adventures. Well done on working so hard to achieve your dream. I honestly feel like I’ll never be out of debt, I’m paid so so poorly for what I do, hence the reason I’m trying to complete my makeup course and open up a potential new line of income. Trying to be as proactive as I can.

Kkasxo,

I LOVE Ikea….I mean….really love….I think I have a problem. While I actually don’t buy that much, I could spend hours in there…..I mean they have stuff I never even knew I needed in my life. So go for it, make it as homely as you like and go all in. You might as well. No point in letting fear hedge your bets. At least you will have zero regrets.

S x

Hi Griff,

I empathise with you, I really do. It’s horrendously difficult and something you are not ready to move on from yet. But continue doing the things you feel will help you maintain an okay life, until they don’t feel like a challenge anymore. Perhaps the new relationship is a little too soon until you deal with the pain of loss from the previous relationship.

i know people say, move on, find someone who actually wants to invest in you. But I think you have to be ready for that with a whole and open heart and if you’re not there yet, just survive. As my therapist says, survival at times in an achievement. If you got hit by a bus and we’re laid up in hospital, everyone would support you and accept you need time to heal. Well you have been hit by a metaphorical bus, so just survive for now and hopefully the rest will come.

Michelle,

I don’t feel I’m benefitting as much from therapy right now as I have done in the past. I don’t know. I’m not moving forward, I’m not able to go back, I’m just, lost a little at the moment. And of course scared of being hurt again.

I hope Kkasxo is doing ok.