Hi Michelle,

I guess what I feel like is that if I want to ‘settle down’, meet someone who shares similar values, or at the very least speaks the same language, flitting off on travels around the world won’t help me get to that point in a relatively good amount of time before I’m 40. I know, I know, the age thing shouldn’t come in to it, and I wish it didn’t, I wish I could banish it from my head, but it’s there and demands to be heard.

So here’s my pros/cons list – not as concise and straight forward as yours but I’m coming from it from my personal position at the moment I guess, which is a little different naturally from an impartial point of view.

PROS:

I get to see new places and cultures / no longer stuck in current job / distance from ex and any or all reminders / widens my perspective and world view / meet new people / develop my sense of bravery and confidence / break from the sense of responsibility to others

CONS:

Expensive / loneliness / missing family / difficulty travelling solo and long distances with chronic pain in back /fear for security / miss opportunity for some job vacancies which I’ve found lately / delay dream of finding someone I love to settle down with at home / delay having children / guilt about leaving father alone who can’t cook etc / not liking a destination when I arrive / let down colleagues at work who I have been advocating for on a serious ongoing issue

These are all genuine thoughts that come to me as a result of trying to figure out the best decision. I’m still really hurt and sad though and wondering should I try and heal that first before I start making any life-changing decisions.

A lot of the time, i just tired of all the thinking and self awareness.

Hi there,

Sorry for delay, it’s just been hectic. My boss is off work and my colleague/friend is also off and I agreed to take some of her work to allow her have the time off with her family as the company initially refused to allow her take the holiday time, so I’m up the walls!

The hen party was ok. I enjoyed chatting with the girls I have not seen in a while at dinner, but I was really uncomfortable going to the pub after. I sat in a corner where I chatted and lasted as long as I could, but something deep inside me felt so ‘off’. I was so sad, I didn’t like being single in that environment, I didn’t like people out socialising, maybe trying to meet someone and I didn’t want to be among that group. But I AM in that group, I’m single now. It was just uncomfortable and made me sad and I kept thinking I saw my ex, it was unlikely and turns out each time it was not him, but it was all just icky!

Kkasxo,

I agree with Michelle, love changes and ebbs and flows. I see my sister, there are days she can’t actually be in the same room as her husband, but it’s just hormones or little irritants, it is very much obvious how much they adore each other and respect each other too, they are best friends and honestly the closest thing to #relationshipgoals that I know! We are the creators of our own misfortune in many circumstances too so maybe you preparing for it to end with Mr.A is a protection measure? I know I used to do it with my ex in the hopes that if it did end I’d be prepared and it made me apathetic at times and when I shifted my viewpoint to tell myself…that hey it might actually work, I found that my feelings changed and it was much happier with my partner. I don’t know if that’s useful, but said I’d mention it.

I’m very stressed today, people left our company and haven’t been replaced so it’s top heavy with work.

I’ve been trying to write this posts in increments for the past 2 hours!

I will check out Kate’s blog Michelle as soon as I get a free moment, I love reading things like that.

You are right though, not having told people about the last reunion has been tough as people feel I’m getting close to a year since the breakup and figure I must be feeling like moving on now at this stage! Little do they know. It’s heart wrenching, I’m sad and mad in equal measure, damn him! Maybe it’s not his fault, but I’m still mad!

I don’t know what to do about travel? Should I go?

Thanks Michelle,

Your three points were clear and concise and to the point and very useful. I managed to read the first two in a very curious and logical way and took them on board, tweaking them to apply to my own feelings/personality etc.

When I read the third point, the flipping waterworks started again! I’m a ball of emotions these days! In fairness, i know my hormones have contributed to the weepiness this week but it’s the memories that choking me at the moment. Memories are seeping back in like someone who had temporary memory loss and bit by bit memories start filtering back in and instead of being a medical marvel and wonderful return to a healthy mind, my memories are serving as slowly torturous knives that either pierce my heart or my stomach at any given moment.

I’m doing my best to breathe and feel the pain like all the advice suggests, so as to release it, but honestly there are a LOT of moments like that, I can’t give in to them all the time or I really won’t get out of bed.

I’ve started on the exercise, I’m trying to do a 4km walk each day…also to help with the chronic pain too. At least once a week I am going to aqua aerobics and now I’m considering gentle yoga and mindfulness on Thursday evenings.

I was so sad yesterday I drove to me sisters house and spent the evening with her family which was lovely and a complete distraction and she was glad of the help because she had had a worse for wear night at  staff party the evening before!

Today I wanted to hop in my car and visit them again or perhaps try my other sister, but I forced myself to stay home. Cleaned the house and sat outside and read a magazine and made dinner etc and just did bits and pieces. Tomorrow morning I’m having a spa treatment with one of my best friends and tomorrow night a few friends from work are going to a gig where a friend of ours is playing, so I’m trying to do things. Also, I’m trying to lose weight to feel better about myself, my sister is doing it with me….but honestly….could I have PICKED a worse weekend to avoid chocolate with hormones and cramps and a severe overwhelming need for chocolate! But I’ll persevere.

To be honest I’d love to say self respect kicked in after what he said and that’s now why it’s different this time and i can’t go back. But really what it is is that I feel he would think nothing of me for returning. HE would possibly pity me, or it would be extremely, unattractive to him to try and woo him back, therefore that’s why I don’t do it. I still have him on the pedestal in some ways and feel I’m the one losing out, so therefore I would appear weak returning again and that’s attractive to no-one.

My problem now is that I can’t shy away from myself, I can’t shy away from the world and just stay at home because now I know too much. That may have satisfied me before, but not now. But I’m stuck in limbo because I realise staying put and doing nothing is not making me happy but I can’t see anything in the future that would make me happy either. So…rock….hard place! I can’t figure out how…or if it’s possible….to feel happy. x

Michelle,

Thanks so much. I went for a walk this morning and tried to tell myself these feelings are temporary, like I have done to many friends who have found themselves at their wits end sometimes. I realise how hard it is. You feel like a bit of an idiot. I was saying, ok Shelby, you’re sad and hurt but it’s temporary and will change and I felt like I knew I was lying a didn’t really believe it.

I met my cousin/friend for lunch for her birthday today and that distracted me a little. I think I’ll go visit my nephews later and bake cupcakes with them. I’m just no good on my own. The emotions overwhelm me and I feel the worst of the worst and do see a point to my life at all. I would LOVE to be content on my own, but it’s something that’s not coming easy….or at all actually.

It’s funny you mention that about the dating site, I deleted it last night and already feel a bit better. it wasn’t making me feel good, just more sad and pessimistic. And creeped out if I’m completely honest! I truly believe that I might not be as upset and worried if it were not for my age. It was only in a  relationship with him that I discovered I wanted children and now I’m left with this knowledge and no prospect of it happening at nearly 37. It’s frustrating, if only I could have realised a lot of things in my early 20s.

You’re right Michelle, something was different this time. Previously I felt it was ambiguous. He wanted me but not everything else and it was all so complicated for him bla bla bla. I wanted to support him to achieve a happy life with me. This time, he does not want to be with me. He prefers to be alone. That makes him happier apparently. If he continued to be with me he feared he might end up ‘resenting me’. ME!!!! I’m sorry, but desperate and hurt and sad and lonely as I am…..I’m not going make a complete mug of myself going to try again with a guy who simply does not want to be with me. It’s so hurtful, but there it is.

The past few weeks I’m realising were probably denial. Because the hurt and anger are filtering in a lot more more. That’s the process I suppose. While it’s been tough having a lot of time to think this week, being off work, I have to say I’m not missing my workplace one single bit. I like not working there. Having said that I’m getting holiday pay, it’s a different experience when you’re not working with a company because you’re unemployed with no wage coming in!

Michelle,

Given you experience previously which mirrors some of my experience, what would your recommend as my next step? As I mentioned before, I’m adrift, I don’t know where to go or what to do!

As for Kkasxo…..could you believe 6 months ago you would be throwing a house warming party with your boyf?!! Madness, but I’m so happy for you and I hope you have the BEST time this weekend!

Has the weather improved where you are Michelle?

Morning all,

Its a little off topic, but then again who knows?! Everything could be connected! But I’m really finding the chronic pain difficult of late.

I woke up this morning barely able to move and it’s scaring me because I fear I might be left like this. Basically if I get a bad bout it usually lasts 10-14 days and a dose of anti-inflammatories and pain killers gets me back on track.

Its been about two months now with no improvement and it’s worrying me. I’m trying to walk each day and even went to aqua aerobics last night but it’s not helping.

Anyway sorry for the side thread! Ye are not orthopaedic experts so don’t feel the need to reply. I’m just having a rant cos I’m a bit scared.

I guess it’s a difficult time emotionally this past while so struggling with physical pain each day too makes everything harder. It also colours my world view, which I try not to let happen, but it really can get in on you!

Hi Kkasxo,

Do you remember a little while back, you didn’t feel the will or motivation to go on. Was there a catalyst that pulled you out of that or what made things change for you? You have a really good attitude now, I admire you. So clever and focused.

I hope when your family moves away, it won’t be too hard for you and you can continue on improving your life in the way you want to. Some days I think I’m accepting, other days I wonder has my subconscious completely pushed it away into the recesses of my mind so I don’t have to deal with it.

It’s hard to remain optimistic. I feel a lot of things have cost me time in the past and now this ‘burden of self-awareness’ has me worried about not making the right moves, or doing the right thing. I question and double question everything and of course the end result is to not have to make any decision at all. I’m all too aware of that too.

Im mad now a little too. Super mad sometimes, mad in a way that if I ever crossed paths with him again I want to be in a much better place and look my best too, and say sod you!!! But I’ve lost my confidence and I feel I have been comfort eating for months!! I find checking in with myself incredibly hard, I have no clue what’s my gut/soul or what is my fear or what is my hope. Argh, it’s a head wreck!

Michelle,

I think the fact that I have been really in a lot of chronic pain for the past 6-8 weeks has not helped my frame of mind. I always get scared when my back gets bad. I mean…proper scared. One of the most frightening experiences I’ve ever had was my first emergency surgery and I think I live in fear of every going back that level of trauma. Plus it contributes to my comfort eating, which doesn’t help my self esteem and so the vicious cycle goes….

As it gets closer to my envisaged date for leaving work (end of summer) I almost feel is a far-fetched dream….as if I would ever go through with something like that in reality. I have been threatening to leave my job for about 6 years!!!! Also I’m a bit afraid of how I’d manage not having work to go to each day, when I can’t even stand one Saturday on my own with nothing to do.

Oh and a wedding invitation arrived in the post –  a school friend who I had heard was only having a ‘small family wedding’ is now inviting all friends…eek….that’s in August. She is one of a group of 9 of us girls who have been friends since we were young, I adore them, they are lovely lovely people – but ALL partnered up…and the few neighbours she has also invited are apparently all eager to find out if Shelby is married off yet or single, like i was for all of the other weddings of the group over the years!

It’s not a big deal, I’m chuffed she asked me to the wedding, but it will be my friends, their partners and me! Joy.

I would love sometimes to close my eyes and be a bird and fly up to the sky with no fear and no responsibilities!

I hope the week is going well for ye, I’m here researching travel, but my eyes are going boggeley so I might go read a book before bed. x

Hi ladies,

whatever the written equivalent of ‘a sight for sure eyes’- that’s ye this evening. I’m finding it tough. I don’t know why, I’m just down. Sad.

Firstly though, Kkasxo…..hello!!!! Is this the same woman I was communicating with a few months ago? Who couldn’t find the will to get out of bed, who thought she would feel that way forever more????!!! How wonderful that you have turned such a corner and appear to be in much better frame of mind, you’re wonderful! You give me hope!

Im so glad you have found somewhere you consider your safe space, that’s a treasure. I’m sorry to hear about all the loss and sadness in your general circle, it’s quite like that here too and it can be hard. Life can deal some tough blows and I guess each person has to manage and cope as best they can.

Michelle,

You’ve given me such inspiration for travel, thank you for taking the time to offer advice on this, maybe you could have your own blog some day! Having said that, I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Well I do……distraction is a great coping mechanism….for a while. But it comes to an end.

I’m lonely. Without you on this forum I’d be swallowed up by my loneliness I think. The house is so quiet. I’m extremely uncomfortable just sitting in peace now, on my own. I feel much better when my Dad arrives home to have someone to at least converse with.

I feel like crying today, first time really in a month since the final split. I’m scared I’m missing out on something, that I’m not doing things right, that it’s all wrong. That it’s too late.

I made this bed, I must sleep in it. My dad lost my mum and was lucky enough after her passing to meet an incredible wonderful woman who he loved just as much. He lost her also to illness and now I wonder is this how he feels on a daily basis.

I didn’t lose anyone to death and I’m so so lonely and sad and he has lost two, how does he cope? Is this the life he leads now with no hope as such for it getting better, it makes me so so sad for him too. He could be feeling like me times a hundred each day but doesn’t dwell and gets on with things and I can’t cope for one single week.

Ok the tears have arrived. I don’t know what’s up with me at all. I tried to talk myself out of it this evening, saying I have a wonderful family and friends and a future of possibilities but it feels too late, it all feels like the sand has shifted through my fingers and it’s gone.

Im sorry to bring such a downer on the thread when you two have been so great with keeping it upbeat this week. X

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for all the advice….wow… you really are a guru of the travel and exploration world! Sorry for the delay, I was up to my tonsils with study for exams and work and needed time to digest all your advice.

The door wedge is an excellent idea. I will check with my local pharmacist and doctor about my medication. But narrowing down the location is proving the most difficult. I really feel like a small break the week after next, as I’m so exhausted and my head is fried with all i have been through, but at the same time I’m conscious that if I plan to go away for a bigger trip a couple of months later, I should save my money!

I just know that if I’m at home on my week off, I will end up cleaning and cooking and doing jobs for my Dad and around the house, I don’t mind that at all, but would be nice to actually get a proper break somewhere.

I finally have a weekend off!! Wohoo!!! So looking forward to this weekend with no plans ahead. Well….It’s Fathers Day Sunday so the family will visit and I’ll be on dinner duty but that’s every sunday anyway, so nothing big out of the ordinary at least! Couldn’t come at a better time.

Also not one word from my ex since, I have been….’ghosted’ by the man I thought I’d spend my life with. I know he’s doing the right thing, doesn’t make me less annoyed. But off with him. Im too tired to care anymore!

How has your week been Michelle and Kkasxo? I hope it’s going well with some nice highlights x