Hi all,

I’m moved by all the contributors to this thread. Thank you for your input.

It has been a difficult time. I don’t know why and when I don’t know something, I feel completely out of control. I like answers, I like to understand things. If I can understand things I can adjust. I completely seem to fall apart when I have a few days off. I’ve been back at work this week and a little more on a even keel, but as soon as one thing eases off, another pipes up. I have been in immense pain since Sat evening and taking heavy medication to be able to work, even had a crutch with me at work yesterday! It doesn’t rain but it pours.

Michelle,

I’m finding it hard to find any point to doing anything right now. Similar theme continuing about feeling how I’ve run out of time, the best of my life is over and no real clue if that mindset can change. The pain of loss of the relationship is really seeping in now, I sometimes wonder am I actually accepting it now, realising it’s over and that’s why it’s hurting so much, or was I merely in denial and the haze of denial has worn off. I can’t say at this point, I just don’t know.

Where on earth am I supposed to go next or what am I supposed to do and how will I stop 80 per cent of my day being given to thoughts of my ex and the ‘wonderful’ life he’s now living without me. I do my best to not spiral but it’s a poor attempt these days. The severe back pain the past couple of days has really put the frighteners on me for long haul travel now. What makes it bearable at the moment is knowing I have my family around and if I’m scared the pain will become too much, they are there to look after me, but in Oz for example, I could end up not being able to move in a hotel room by myself for weeks! Eek

I’m going to the counsellor later but I’m not optimistic tbh. I can’t see a groundbreaking moment happen anytime soon and it’s not from the want of trying! I’m not complacent at therapy, I try and open up as much as possible and discuss things etc. I don’t know. I am unhappy now and I’m growing weary of it. The relationship was probably the most happiness I’ve known and I don’t know how I can ever be happy without it, which is tragic and sad and I’d love to be a woman who gives the two fingers, but I guess that’s not me!

On a lighter note, have you any exciting plans Michelle?

Peggy thank you for the advice.

Sylvia- I hope you are doing okay, I hear ya. I know how tough it is. x

Hi Michelle,

I think I’ll stay on this thread, while a lot of stuff is going through my head right now, my split from my ex is still a big factor and all this is part of me, my story.

What if this change I’m going through is me just becoming a bitter mean person. What if I’m not a good person? What if I’m one of those people that others try to avoid ‘cos she’s so mouthy and a bit selfish. I don’t want to be that person either.

Anyway, I understand that this week is particularly difficult because of hormones and a reduction in my anti-anxiety medication. I’m a little disappointed it’s have such a significant impact as I was on such a low dosage as it was and now I’m only very little of it, but I guess I needed it more than I knew which makes me sad.

Also I got upset yesterday as I found out my little brother has been put on the same medication and while I was doing his girlfriends makeup for a wedding they were attending, no compliments I paid to him could get through to him. He was so down on himself, he looked fantastic but almost didn’t want to attend the wedding and was just so down. Now he was hungover too but he is struggling at the moment and it makes me worry and get so upset cos I don’t want him to have to suffer the life I’ve been suffering. I’d do anything to spare anyone I care about from this struggle. I don’t know what to do.

Anyway, I’m doing my friends makeup for a BBQ this afternoon for a bbq she’s going to, so I’m framing my day around that. I went for a walk this morning but other than that I can’t find much purpose to anything.

Im trying to be smart. I’m trying to think of the things I say to a close friend who suffers long term depression and anxiety, that it’s lying to her and she will know happiness and feel better one day, but Martha is out in full force tutting that ‘who am I trying to kid’…..you can’t magic away despair! I just wish I could feel that life will get better but I cannot shift the feeling deep inside that it’s over, nothing more to be done.

I don’t know if that has come from my ex leaving me, because the pain of that stabs me every half hour and thoughts of him, especially moving on, cut me like a knife. Or if I have come to the end of a cycle in my life of my job/living situation/friends. I don’t know.

I have therapy next week but I don’t know if it helps anymore. I have such immense respect and rapport with my therapist, I don’t feel like starting off from scratch with someone new who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my ex, doesn’t know my family. I feel 3 years of therapy with one person is hard to try and shift to a new therapist.

I wonder each day about Kkasxo too and how she’s doing and how she pulled herself out of the hole and she evokes a positive outlook.

Thank you for explaining your story Michelle, I can completely understand that happiness didn’t just fall into your lap. From our interactions I get the sense that you did indeed put in the work to get where you are today. For me, I feel like I’m broken deep down, irreparably. I don’t know why, my mum, my step mum, my ex, the life I thought i’d have, who knows?! Or maybe I’d still be this person if none of those things happened.

Today I feel sick as the situation with my sisters is ‘fine’ for all intent and purpose. We’re talking again which is better than not, but it doesn’t feel…right. I also messaged someone I considered my best friend the other night. She lives near London so I don’t see her often but we have always remained besties. But in recent months, she has had a lot of stuff going on with work and her family. She doesn’t have a huge support structure where they live now and he children and active!!! So she has her hands full! But she often doesn’t reply to my texts anymore. Anyway the other night I messaged as I was in a really low point, as I always felt I could do this- and have done in the past and vice versa- but I received no reply which hurt a little. The next day she posts on social about being out for boozy lunch with her hubbie as they both had the day off, which was lovely but I don’t think I’d ever not reply to a struggling message from her, no matter what I was doing.

Sorry for going on, I suppose all the little things are adding up to the bigger things this week. Thanks as always for your support. You don’t have to and yet you do. It’s appreciated more than you can know. x

Hey there,

Im sorry I’ve not been posting. I’m not in great shape. On the outside all looks okay, but on the inside it’s a puddle. Again, I’m sure my hormones are playing a part, but it doesn’t make the feelings they evoke any less real to feel.

I’m sad Michelle. Like sad in my whole life. I just can’t stop the tears from coming out today. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but deep down I know one whole truth. I am not happy.

And being unhappy for a really long time in one way or another makes you feel like you could never really know what happiness is.

I’ve tried so many different things in my life to be happy and I feel like nothing has worked. Not in a moany whiney type woe is me moan, I just mean factually speaking, it could genuinely be a case of me being one of those people that can never really be happy in life. There is just nothing in this world that for the type of person I am. It’s unfortunate but I’m sure I’m not the only one.

We all can’t be the same, some people are meant to be happy, some people are meant to be curious, some people are not meant to be happy and we all just share this world together for a time and then it’s over I guess.

Im afraid of travelling yes. Of the loneliness but not being alone. You can find people to hang out with anywhere, but what about the loneliness deep inside no matter how many people are around. I can never fly away from that.

It does however make me glad to hear your stories of daily adventures which make you happy. You’re one of the people to get happiness and that’s wonderful. X

Good morning,

I’d have to give a month’s notice to be fair. They will really be in trouble when I leave as we are currently in a protracted process where we’re fighting the company because they haven’t replaced someone who quit last year. So it’s tricky times. I have been trying to hold on until they make that hire. if they ever do, but it gets to the point where I can no longer put my colleagues ahead of my own wellbeing.

I’m excited about travel but not so excited about a lack of salary I must admit! But I’ll take it day by day and try to do lots of research.

I have a gig tonight but the weather is atrocious so I’m thinking I’ll be a drowned rat by the end of it though! Tomorrow for the big gig though the weather is supposed to be better! I’m doing everything I can to get into the mindset of enjoying tomorrows concert, even if I bump into anyone or have any reminders and I’m going to try and make it fun for my friend’s bday!

Some days are strange….some days I get sad and down and miss my ex and then some days it’s like i just ‘switch off’ and don’t really feel anything at all. The distance and lack of contact – out of sight out of mind type approach- makes me briefly acknowledge to myself that I don’t love him now. Now that’s not to say I won’t be in a puddle next week again, thinking I’ll not be able to live without him and love him beyond measure, but it’s ebbs and flows and right now, because I feel distance, I feel detached somewhat, so we’ll see how this progresses.

Kkasxo, how are you doing? Michelle have you any fun plans for the weekend? Biking and beers always sounds so fun to me!

Kkasxo,

I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. While I was on my walk in the countryside, I literally shove good vibes out of my body and asked the universe to take them to you wherever you are because you need them today. Anniversaries hurt. I think they can be said, even if they’re a good anniversary because they symbolise the passage of time. But yours is just that. In the past, something that happened you before. It is not the here and now. I still vividly remember my two emergency surgeries and to this day when I think about them I shudder as if I were right back there. It was traumatic for you, it makes sense. But it can’t hurt you now. Your brain is just running a re-run, which is normal. Things that hurt us in life, our brain (as a protective measure), will re-run them with the same intensity, less we forget and make the same mistakes again. It’s like what you talk about when you say it’s really old instincts and they date from prehistoric times. It’s okay ya know, but I promise you will be fine. Let it run its course and it’ll naturally fizzle out.

Yes you’re right. my family are not so aware of my plans to quit and travel. My sister and her husband know – they’re pretty much my best friends but I’ve no idea how I would break it to my Dad or how he’d manage. Tomorrow I’m meeting someone about a job I saw advertised that looks interesting, but if I travel, I won’t be able to apply for it, but I know someone who knows someone in the same company, so I said it could be no harm to meet for a casual cuppa and make the contact, who knows what will happen in the future.

Michelle, this is something my therapist finds…….unusual, or perhaps amusing! I always felt the home I left my home house for, would be my final dream home with my dream man! I know, could I get any more Disney! But that’s just how I feel. My older sister used to encourage me years ago about buying property and getting on the ladder, but it was never for me. I never felt like buying a flat or whatever for the sake of it and secondly, I think she vastly underestimated what salary I was on!

Last summer, I did go see a mortgage advisor about trying to get something on my own. I was with my ex at the time, but it was my way of trying to take control of the situation and creating my own space and if he eventually moved in with me, so be it. The options were limited to say the least on my 4-day salary. Basically if I scrimped and saved and didn’t go outside the door for the next 20 years, I could afford to build a very small cottage/house for myself on a family site about a mile from where I grew up. To be honest, I just didn’t feel like taking on that responsibility at the time either and what if I hurt my back again and ended up out of work, you’re solely responsible for the bills each month, at least when you have someone to support you half way, the burden doesn’t seem so big.

I do know I don’t really feel like urban living anymore, I’m kind of past that. Since I started uni when I was 17, I had lived in the city in various house shares or apartments and it was fun, but I’m more of a peace and quiet type girl now and I life fresh air and space! I guess I have princess wants on a paupers wage!

Travel anyway seems to be the priority for me right now and of course, that debt will push me back further from having my own home so it seems a bit too fantastical to have my own place any time in the near future.

I am sick of thinking about my ex, where he is, where he might be, what he might be doing, where his family are all home from abroad for the summer, he’s even taking up my sleeping time, constantly appearing in my dreams. For goodness sake, when does this phase (i hope) pass? I have been watching my diet lately and exercising as much as I can and am starting to see the difference a little and people have commented which is nice. It’s kind of giving me the motivation to continue. I have two music gigs Im supposed to be going to this weekend- Fri and Sat. The one on Sat is one of his favourite bands and while it’s unlikely he will attend, and even if he did, there will be thousands of people there and I’d probably not even see him, I’m nervous. I considered not going but then I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but I also DEFINITELY don’t want to bump into him. In my head i can believe he is sad and bunkered down and forgive me….dead…..but if i see him out enjoying a music gig with his friends, I think I’ll break. It is my friends birthday though and I’m bringing her to the gig as part of her present, so I guess I’ll just bite the bullet and suck it up!

As for travel, I don’t know how long I would go for but Oz & NZ, Fiji would be on the list, my friend has recommended Kuala Lumpur for a few days too, so I need to find a good travel agent who is not affiliated with any companies, my friend said for a large trip like this, possibly round the world, travelling solo, a travel agent is usually a good bet, so we’ll see! Eek, I might for for two weeks and be in bits and arrive back home!

Michelle,

Lol…..not old just a longtime friend i mean!!!

I met from friend who is home from Oz for a visit with her fiance and baby yesterday evening and she’s the friend who I have always been drawn to so much, she’s incredibly charismatic and motivating with such strong self assurance.

She was going through flight options with me as if it were a list for the weekly grocery shopping and completely doable! It is a little more reassuring that if I go Down Under I will have her as somewhat of a security blanket within the country if I get in trouble!

I think it’s time to let go of the job, eek, I’m going to hand in my notice in the next couple of weeks! It’s mad! I’ll be so broke, but as my friend says, you have the time or you have the money, rarely do you have both and you will never regret travel!

I am going to write out the list Mark suggested when I get home from work, because everything still hurts about the whole situation. Sometimes I get so mad, other times I miss him like a limb. I went to therapy yesterday but got a bit of an anxiety attack when he described the method we might use to see if I’m still holding on to grief about my mum. I wasn’t ready to try yesterday, but I’m going to give it a go at my next session. The gravity of my attack even thinking about it, seems to indicate there is definitely something there that needs to be addressed!

Kkasxo, I too have been wondering when your family departs? I’m so glad you are in a stable situation now to deal with whatever might come. Go you!

Michelle, when or where is your next trip?

@Kkasxo,

Im so sorry, I’ve been so caught up with work this week, I’ve only had brief chances to glance at posts and missed your previous post. Anxiety is not fun, we all know this, but you had a pretty darn good attitude about how you felt the other day, that’s a far cry from what you would have previously said and done when you felt so low. You have indeed come a long way and bit by but you can figure out what is causing your fear, because that’s all anxiety is. Fear.

You sound so like me last weekend when I had to go to the hen party! Initially when I rsvp-ed I thought it would be a good idea but as the date approached I felt increasingly anxious and just wanted to back out! I have to say it wasn’t have as bad as I imagined! It wasn’t the best night ever, some elements of it made it incredibly sad, but at the same time, it was fine……it didn’t break me down into pieces.

You will have a lovely break in Birmingham, maybe its a part of you that has regained some level of routine/safety/security in your new place and new life and you’re just anxious about going to a different place where you can’t escape to your sanctuary if you need to. But this could be one of those challenges of growth we all endure and maybe you’ll be back here afterwards to post about what an enjoyable weekend it was!

The funny thing about my job is that, while I feel underpaid, under appreciated and overstressed, it’s not all bad. I’ve worked there for 15 years and I have made some lovely friends and I genuinely know I’ll be a ball of tears leaving. Not because I want to stay, but maybe because I’ll miss some of it. The ‘place’ I had there. I’ll have to build it all up from scratch again somewhere else.

One thing I do need to get on is practicing more of my makeup. Since my course finished I’ve let it fall by the wayside a little and that was never my intention.

Ye are going to think I’m mad, but I was actually thinking about booking a flight to London at the end of the month for an event all about dating!!!! What on earth am I like??! I mean I have no interest in dating, but I just like the motivational speaker! However, I think I’ll save my money for proper travel.

My family used always be teasing me saying they were jealous because I was always nipping away for holidays (particularly with the ex cos he loved to travel) and then my brother mentioned the other day that he’s going to Spain for a week and I said ‘well for some’ and he said ‘what are you talking about, you are gone off somewhere every second weekend’ and I had to stop him and say ‘actually no, those days are gone. I haven’t been anywhere since Jan 2018 when I last went to the Canaries with my ex’. And i couldn’t believe it had been that long and I guess my family were surprised too and I got the feeling that they felt a shift and the way they thought of me, has got to kind of…change now….I felt them kind of feel ” she’s right, that was her old life, when she lived the high life, but we forgot that’s gone now for her, old habits die hard I suppose”.

Anyway, I need to go somewhere, I feel like I need time to think……but that’s my modus operandi, I always want to be in a distant distant place when I’m feeling all over the place! Watching a show called Miranda on TV this evening, I don’t like a lot of comedians but I really like this show for its sheer silliness. Sometimes, we just need a bit of silly!