Hey Gary! I’m back and can read in peace now!

You asked “How would you summarize the article on the science of love?”

Hmm I guess more then summarizing the article, I can tell you why it resonated with me? I was in a relationship a while back, and when I told people it ended, one of the first questions they asked was “was it love?”. If I said yes, I would always be asked to prove that it was. “what made you call it love?” I would give my reasons, and the reply would always be “oh but it wasn’t REALLY love because XYZ”. If I said no, the relationship was trivialized. I guess it bothers me that we’re all supposed to be looking for love but no one quite understands what it is, or knows how to differentiate it from infatuation or limerance or what have you. It feels like a quest for something mythical. So this approach to love, as a temporary, transient but powerful connection and understanding of others appealed to me. It removes a lot of the display and trumpetry of “true love” and makes it more human and accessible. It also removes it from a purely romantic setting.

“This understanding is blocked from human awareness by social/environmental programming and the distortions of distance and density in the so-called 3D world. The distance and density mentioned are also illusory fabrications, made to feel very real in their effect. What we call love is a distortion of the emanations of O.B., normalized in fragmented human historical perspective. That is not to put down the experience humans call love. It appears to be the best we can do in this ‘point in time.’”

Thank you for answering this! I understand better now what you were saying. Do you also think that the stories we construct in our head (our defense mechanisms, I guess) to protect ourself from reality also get in the way of experiencing this love? Because they are artificial constructs distancing ourselves from our core, and therefore from the source of love? Maybe you seeing misused authority as a block to love also stems from this? The person misusing authority is not comfortable acknowledging their vulnerability, and therefore distanced from the truth of who they are? that is, vulnerable beings.

I really love Kurt Vonnegut’s quote, a reminder to be in the moment if there ever was one, and much needed for me.

Thank you for this correspondence Gary, I am currently in therapy and am struggling with lowering my defense mechanisms that have been in place for very many years now, and this is discussion has given me a little more insight, even though applying it is a whole different ball game.

Hey Gary! I’m sorry, just saw you had replied to this!
Hmm that is an interesting concept…I think I’m struggling a bit with separating the cause (love) and effect (emotion). My understanding of love has been as something very human and very mundane in how commonly it is felt but very unique in that it is how we manifest the divinity in all of us. I would love to hear more about your understanding of it, especially if you think its possible to acknowledge the cause and the effect it has on us as separate, if that makes sense (I’m having trouble phrasing this clearly lol!).
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts, it is appreciated :)!

Dear Anita, thanks for your reply and for pointing this out! I am struggling finding a happy medium between opening up emotionally to my friends which I have never really done and leaning on them too much. I guess I have to keep telling myself baby steps here too and give myself time to figure this out.

Hey Inky !thank you for the affirmation !!

Hey Anita!I always appreciate your perspective so I’m glad you like reading from me :D.
I do think I feel threatened by guys and I felt safe with him because he had a very quiet, calm presence. I also think I have pattern of making more effort in my friendships than other people do and it was so wonderful to have someone make the same amount of effort.It also contributed to the sense of security right? Like crazy things weren’t expected from me. I also realized today that he sort of held up a mirror and allowed to examine my thoughts, which was a very new experience for me. I feel like I need to really do that right now, and I think that also played a huge part.He was basically acting as a therapist for me.

Hey guys thank you for replying!

Mahesh, thank you for saying this:”I suggest you to not to focus on why are you feeling so attached to him,instead focus on its such a great thing that I feel attachment to someone” reframing it in my head does help!

Hi Inky! I guess I should give some details. We have known each other for around 2 years but started working in the same division recently. We became very close very quickly and both of us started acting like it was a relationship. It wasn’t platonic anymore so I decided to cut contact a couple of weeks ago, but that triggered a lot more pain than I was expecting. I do agree that it was safe to have feelings for him, since I did not expect them to be returned. I guess answering the why is my way of gaining closure? Or maybe I feel like understanding it will help me feel better, but maybe I just need to wait for it pass and let the why go.

Hi Anita! I did know he was unavailable from the start. The closest I have gotten to understanding is I felt I could count on him, that is he made an effort to be present and that made it feel like the entire burden of the friendship wasn’t on my shoulders, which was very liberating. I have been hurt by friends in the past so I am grateful when my friends are there for me, but I don’t expect them to be. In terms of parents, he and my mum are both soft spoken, so that is a similarity. But I generally like soft spoken people otherwise also.

Phew. lol

Hi Anita, just saw your new reply here..hmm I guess I have to think about this. It is true that we were closer when my dad was abusive, there were lots of chances for “grand gestures” in terms of protecting each other and that made us value our relationship and there was a lot of mutual gratitude. Even while she was angry recently if I made a “grand gesture” move it would improve things for a day or two.
I think it has been two years now since my dad has stopped being abusive completely, even though it has been slowing for a while. Her anger has present for the past few months and wasn’t there before that (or it wasn’t a pattern that I could pick up on).
Something did happen in December. Arranged marriages are part of my culture, and there was an interest shown in me from a guy’s family. I did not say no, but did lay the condition that I wanted to talk to him before deciding. My mom initially did not respond to this either positively or negatively. She appeared to accept it as was. My dad , I believe, has problems with the thought of me leaving home. He has sabotaged university choices that would involve me leaving home (by refusing to send documents that the uni required) and does use emotional black mail if I have a work trip. He put his foot down and absolutely refused to consider the proposal (which I was secretly relieved by. Based on surface impressions I am pretty certain my answer would have been a no. I am also not mentally ready or willing to get married right now). My aunt who did talk to my mum about this, thought it was unreasonable of me to ask to speak to the guy. The end result was that my mum laid the blame for the situation not working out on me, even though I was willing to at least explore the option, with reservations.I had also expressed concern because the guy was settled in a different country, and I do not think I can move away permanently as it is very clear to me that my parents need me to be present in the city at least. This caused a lot of defensiveness from my relatives.When I made career decisions based on this everyone was fine however.
I was very confused about what was happening during this entire incident, there was a lot of deception and manipulation and I’m not sure what anybody wanted at all at this point. By the end of it, I got the feeling my mum wanted me to say yes immediately and get married, which is not what she had expressed initially.
I wondered if there was residual resentment from this episode that maybe resurfaced when she wasn’t happy. Around 10 years ago, she went though a similar period of anger with me. At that point I was young, she was the one who dropped me and picked me from school and extra curricular activities, and she was depressed, so she found the routine overwhelming I think. I did not realize she was depressed, our GP did and started her on her anti depressants, after which her lethargy and anger both resolved.
I am sorry for the information over load! There are just so many circumstances which seemed relevant!
Thanks and love, Anita, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to bring all of this to the surface.
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