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August 10, 2024 at 11:26 pm #436047
SereneWolf
ParticipantThat’s totally fine. Not in hurry. Just wanted to check in.
Have fun filled holidays.
I’m doing alright. At my hometown.August 9, 2024 at 12:26 pm #436007SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
I hope you’re in good health?July 21, 2024 at 8:30 am #435196SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
Howās your weekend going?Slowmadingā¦. wow, thatās a completely new term to me, needed to look it up. It says: āsomeone who travels slowly ā spending anywhere from 2 to 6 months in the same place. Some slowmads might even spend a whole year with the same home base.ā Okay, got it: first you want to be a nomad, then slowmad š
Iād say first my plan is for slowmadding. Since I would at least be spending one month in the place that I choose. And after that (Probably after marriage) Just settle down in one country.
So you hooked up with someone, after having a lot to drink? Is that what youāre saying? And then your young friend scolded you for that?
No not hookup. Just drinking and dancing. But my young friend scolded me because I joined the stranger group since it wasnāt that ātrustfulā area. Sometimes people get scammed that way.
Although they did drink the alcohol from my money and didnāt even ask. So I guess I did get partially scammed?š But I had fun, But yeah lession learned.I donāt know if you should specially declare it. In the old days, when I was dating š it was somehow understood that you mean seriously if you start dating someone. By seriously I donāt mean that you are planning to tie the knot with the person, but to have a committed relationship with no predefined expiry date. So the intention was to stay together for as long as it feels rightā¦ and then of course many times the relationship did expire because of various incompatibilities. People did break up. But the intention was to at least in theory have a long-term relationship (at least that was my intention š ).
Old days dating was much simpler than this right? But looking at that it did also mean try again and again until you get the right partner. But when you get into fully committed relationship one after another in case they donāt work out wouldnāt it get hard to move on? And Tiring. Because then it feels like pure luck. It doesnāt matter what you do or what efforts you make.
Thatās why I think youād need to work on your fear of intimacy before you can be ready for a serious relationship (or aĀ potentiallyĀ serious ā because there are no guarantees that things will work out.)
So do you suggest that I should wait even for dating? Iām not dating only for the sex part. I feel like Iām ignoring my physical needs for quite a while. I want to hug, cuddle and hold hands. Iām tired being tough guy who doesnāt needs hugs and kisses and always have to act strong.
Itās not so crucial that youĀ tellĀ her that you mean seriously, but that youĀ knowĀ it within yourself, and then act accordingly. That you arenāt afraid to develop those āstringsā (emotional and physical bond), so that your relationship has āstrings attachedā.
Okay thatās the answer that I was looking for. Thanks for clearing that out. And yeah I think if we say on level 1 to 5 Iām at 2.7 for not being afraid of developing the āstringsā
I think the best is to let things develop organically. If someone is rushing things and suggests marriage on the first or second date, thatās of course suspicious and a red flag. But no woman (emotionally healthy woman) is afraid of a committed guy, who cares about her and is showing interest. Also, someone who listens to and takes into account her needs.
Okay I need to know psychology behind it. Whatās wrong with when someone suggest (or more like mentioning and talking about marriage thatās what you mean right?) 2<sup>nd</sup> LDR started talking about marriage and husband and wife stuff right after like 2 weeks. And then doctor also mentioned marriage I think around a month or so. But yeah, there was more than 2 dates. Heck even in my Senior Highschool days there was this girl. We were mostly spending time together. And she was one year older than me. So I was like 17 years old and she was like 18 years old. And she literally told her parents that she likes me and she wants to marry me and their parents came to my house for engagement proposal. And I wasnāt even at home. And my parents did actually like her too so they didnāt told them no. and then that evening they told me. And they be like itās not you have to get married tomorrow. Just engagement for now and then get married after 2-4 years. I was able to say no right away. I guess I didnāt want to disappoint them. And I canāt even told the girl that I donāt love her. But after like few weeks when they started to discuss engagement dates, I snapped like what the heck am I doing? Iām still studying, Still have to build my career. I canāt do this just because I ālikeā this girl. And dodged that bullet.
So I donāt think you will scare her if you behave as if you mean seriously, relatively soon into the relationship. But I guess your problem is not that youāll scare the woman with being too eager too soon. But ratherĀ youĀ are scared of any kind of commitment (and specially of telling her that you mean seriously), because for you, commitment is tied to many negative things, things you are afraid of.
Maybe you could write down what being in a committed relationship means to you. For example, it might mean the following:
Thatās right and thanks for the examples itās really helpful
ā giving up on my needs ā At this point I donāt see it as a threat because I think now I can express my needs better
ā giving her the right to hurt me ā Working on this
ā giving her the right to control me ā Working on this since I was quite controlling myself
ā being seen as a bad person if I have my own needs ā Relevant in the past but not now
ā being seen as a bad person if I donāt accept her wishes ā Why wouldnāt I compromise a little on some of her wishes? Because the man has to step up (most of the time) for their partnerās wishes. Otherwise how would I be supportive if all I can think is my comfort?
ā being seen as a bad person if I change my mind, – Yup I do think this. Since I believe you have to stick to what you say.
ā being seen as a bad person if I stand up for myself. ā I did this in the past
Does any of the above sound true for you? If so, those would be false beliefs that you would need to dissolve before you can let go of your fear of commitment.
Sorry, I didnāt quite get it: so this friend of yours has a habit of replying late, like 24 hours after you sent the text? And youād like to receive a reply more swiftly and not have such a delay between messages, right?
Yes I donāt like late replies. Depends on the person but yeah.
Well, you always have the option to explain what bothers you and what youād like instead. You do have the option to express your preferences, set boundaries, etcā¦ what weāve been talking about recently. This should reduce your fear of feeling helpless and trapped in the relationshipā¦
Yes exactly. In the past If I had to repeat something it would make me angry and then give a silent treatment. But now I think Iām able to express myself little more clearer than before
Okay, itās good that youāve identified one of your key problems: lack of self-esteem and the belief that you are not good enough, which also applies to intimate relationships. The impostor syndrome, where you believe that some women are out of your league and you are surprised that they would even be interested etc.
So youād need to keep working on your self-esteem, on believing that you are an asset, not an a** (similar word to asset, only without the last two letters š ) Ha, this could be even used as an affirmation ā provided that you donāt find it stupid or offensive š
Haha good example. Iām actually thinking about starting affirmations and mirror work. But I donāt know mirror work feels funny but I think Iāll give it a try (again).
Cool! Thatās why youāll be nomading/slowmading for the next 3 yearsā¦
Yes mam
You didnāt feel loved and accepted by your mother when you expressed your protest, your hurt and anger against your father. Now, as an adult, you probably project your mother into your romantic partners, believing that they would be hurt and upset if you expressed your needs. You believe they would react the same as your mother, who felt hurt when you were disobedient and rebellious towards your father.
Yes thatās right
The truth is that if the girl is emotionally mature, she wouldnāt feel offended or threatened by your legitimate needs. Your mother did, but an emotionally healthy person wouldnāt.
Thatās the thing that I need to remember.
Yes, the only option for you was to suppress your ānegativeā emotions (your anger and hurt), and so suppression became your automatic reaction. So now youād need to feel all of your feelings (remember what Henry Cloud said: anger is a signal, not a solution). You donāt want to suppress your signalling system ā because anger might be telling you that your boundaries are being crossed and that you are being violated. So you donāt want to suppress that very important signal.
But you also want to learn how to respond appropriately, without lashing out and exploding with anger. Thatās the task ahead of you: to feel the signal (i.e. feel all your emotions), and then to respond appropriately (in a balanced way).
I donāt lash out that easily. But yeah Thanks for the good reminder from the Henry cloud. Gotta read those signals more.
Ā
Yeah, I am not an expert, but it doesnāt seem to me that youād need to start taking medications. And if you go to a psychiatrist, I think thatās what theyāll suggest because thatās the main tool they have. Iād suggest finding another psychotherapist, if you feel the need for professional help, rather than going to a psychiatristā¦.
Haha you know the Therapist that I had kind of higher my bar so I feel like finding another psychotherapist wouldnāt be that easy. But I can try to have maybe some demo meetings. I looked it up online and thereās like lots specialist for different things. There was also for CPTSD but even my CPTSD isnāt that severe. So what kind of specialist I should find?
When you say short focus span, you mean when focusing on work, right? It occurs to me now that if there are suppressed emotions in your subconscious (your inner child), they always want to come to the surface. And so you need to distract yourself with something pleasurable so you wouldnāt feel those unpleasant emotions. So perhaps ADHD for you is a way to distract yourself, so you wouldnāt feel the unpleasant emotions.
Dopamine is high when we are motivated by a reward. If you feel not good enough, and that nothing youāll achieve will ever be good enough ā then it would make sense that your dopamine is low, because nothing can motivate you. Because every achievement seems futile ā if it can never be good enough. Do you feel something like that? Like, the futility of even trying?
Haha very smart observation. Even psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to say that directly
Yeah, and you can learn how to be polite and kind in your expression, and yet firm. You donāt need to be rude, and yet, you can keep your boundaries. But of course, that needs practiceā¦
Haha yeah, I donāt remember when was the last time someone called me rude. Firm but polite and kind does needs practice.
Ā
Good! You saw right through him ā that appearances are more important to him than the real concern for his father ā and you challenged him on that. And he didnāt know what to say ā which is great! So you did speak up for yourself and refused his attempt to falsely accuse you of being inconsiderate/lacking empathy for your grandfather. Well done, SereneWolf!
Iām gradually able to see my positive progress now. That’s because of you. So thanks a lot Tee you’re like my guiding start!
July 13, 2024 at 8:24 am #434959SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
thanks, yes, my knee is getting better, things are manageable again, and I am really grateful. (praying hands emoji š)
Thatās good! Iām happy to know that. š
Ā
Cool! Wow, there will be a lot of traveling then. And all while you are working fully remotely, right?
Yes. At least for few years. I’m guessing around 3 years and maybe after that something like Slowmading. But I believe slowmading would be better with a good partner. or if I’m already satisfied than just settle down in a good country that we like.
Ā
People usually go on a self-discovery journey when they donāt know what they want in life, what their values are, what is really important to them, what path forward to takeā¦ If there is a major confusion about themselves and what they want from life. Do you feel you are in the similar position? Or you actually want toĀ live your valuesĀ ā which you already know what they are: freedom, adventure, enjoying Mother Nature, being one with the universe?
I believe itād be more like living my values. And I think Iāll explore myself more while travelling and know my values on a deeper level.
So perhaps this is not a self-discovery journey for you, but a self-affirming journey? Affirming your True Self, and living from it?
Yes I think so.
In any case, if you want to live from from your True Self, I guess it would make sense to also work on removing obstacles on being your True Self in intimate relationships. Because thatās where the fear kicks in. Not in the jungle, in a close encounter with a lion, or on an unknown road, miles away from homeā¦ but in intimate relationships, with someone who should be so close and so familiar, and yet, they represent a threatā¦
Youāre right indeed. Physically Iām not that scared. On a recent trip I just blindly follow group of friends because they approached me. But later on, at night lot of drinking and dancing happened. I did have some fun. But I know next time Iāll be more aware, my little friend scolded me for that a lot haha
Well, if you donāt sabotage the relationship (due to fear) but really give it a try, and then it turns out you two are not a good match, then of course, you donāt need to stay with her. You donāt need to force yourself to be with someone who isnāt your match.
And then gather energy to try again finding a new match? How?
Ā
I think it depends on your intention ā whether you only wanted to fool around with the girl, or you had serious intentions but things didnāt work out. When I say āserious intentionsā, I mean you want a committed relationship, you are not afraid of it. I donāt mean you need to marry the girl, but youād need to be willing to be in a long-term, committed relationship.
If you havenāt healed your fear of intimacy, then I think you per definition canāt have āserious intentionsā. And if you get involved with a girl, it would be primarily for fun and some short-term pleasure, in which case I think it could be called casual sex, yes.
Okay tell me after how long time normally I should tell her? Because we canāt tell someone directly that are you ready for the serious relationship? Thereās a certain amount of time needs to be spent together. Iām asking how much time and after that asking for a serious thing is appropriate? Because I think being in hurry for that would even scare the good woman.
Ā
Yes, and this is a great insight: that you associate being attached to someone with giving them to right to hurt you. Thatās a false belief, and probably one of your core false beliefs. Great job detecting it! š
Thanks! Learning from you haha
Again, a great observation: that trust is needed to counter the fear. But also, you need one more thing: you need to be able to protect your own heart ā should you need it. So you donāt give a free reign to your partner to hurt you. If you notice some hurtful behaviors on her part, you react, you let her know, you express that you donāt like it. You set some boundaries.
I totally agree! Thatās the part Iām kinda working and again speaking up matters in that as well. Doesnāt matter friendship or romantic relationship. I was talking to one my friend and then she be like donāt you miss me why you being left me on seen messages. And I simply told her that I have texting manners and I simply donāt like reply 2 text every 24 hours. Thatās not how conversation works for me. I donāt mind if youāre busy and donāt talk itās okay for me. But if you do want to talk have some texting manners first. I guess I did build a boundary there?
But good thing is that she understood. But I guess in romantic relationship I’d have the fear like what if she doesn’t understand that and take it wrong entirely?
In other words, you are not helpless in a relationship. You can protect yourself āĀ should you need it.Ā But you enter the relationship trusting that the person has good intentions and doesnāt want to hurt you.
Of course, you donāt enter a relationship blindly, you do use your discernment (like you did now, with this latest girl). But you also trust, if things feel right. You are not so guarded that at the first sign of disagreement, you pull up your walls and go into a defense mode.
So you need a fine balance: to have discernment, but also to trust. And then if there are problems, you talk about it, you express your needs and concerns, rather than suppressing it and pretending that things are fine.
Yes thatās what Iāll try to do. I think Iām being more self-aware about it
If you do that, I think your fear will lessen. Because you 1) trust the girl that she doesnāt want to hurt you, and 2) trustĀ yourselfĀ that youāll be able to protect yourself should you need it. Which means that by staying in the relationship, you are not giving her permission to hurt you. So the control stays in your hands ā because you can protect yourself from hurt if needed.
I think thatās my biggest priority as of now. Believing in myself. My self-worth. My self-esteem. Because that would help me try to change these some deeper beliefs that I need to change. It would help also protect myself when I need it and almost every areas in my life. And it would also help in the self-love that I really need. Iām finding ways to increase the self worth. Because whatās happening is sometimes Iām also not even approaching the woman that Iām getting the good vibes from and that’s mainly because self-esteem.
Ā
Yes, maybe her advice contributed to you playing games. But I guess your fear played a role too ā you didnāt want to give an impression that you care too muchā¦
Haha yeah thatās also true
Ā
So she is helping you stay in touch with the adventurous kid in you, who used to encounter lions while riding his bike, huh? š
Haha yes. But the thing even from my older friends circle I think Iām the most adventurous and rebel kid
I think so, yes. But itās a good feature ā to not rush into things. If itās meant to be, it will be, without rushing it.
Thatās what Iām trying.
Yes! That requires vulnerability too, and it didnāt occur to me until recently. That vulnerability is not only to admit that you like or care about somebody, but also that something they do bothers you, that you are hurt or upset about it.
Yup hard for me because I don’t like making them feeling discomforted because of me. Even though I’m hurt. But I’m trying
The Courage to be disliked. I like the title. Yeah, you might fear expressing yourself in front of various audiences, not necessarily only in romantic relationships. I remember you said you sometimes feel strong anger when talking to some judgmental people, but you donāt dare to say anything. You donāt dare to express your opinion, for fear of being judged. Or disliked. So yes, we need courage in those situations to still express our opinion, even if someone might not like it.
Yes thatās right and Iām already enjoying the Good Vibes Good Life an even in that itās mentioned about expressing about one self.
Yeah, when we name our emotions, we use our rational brain, which enables us to observe ourselves and not get ālostā in the emotion. Not get overwhelmed. In that sense, naming our emotions helps us to remain cool-headed and not get hijacked by our emotions. It not only gives us clarity, but I think itās also good for emotion regulation.
Yes I think Iām getting better at emotional regulation but itās journey since I didnāt learn how to emotionally regulate myself since childhood
So that would suggest pretty low likelihood of C-PTSD. I mean, pretty mild symptoms, right?
Oui madam, Thatās why Iām thinking visiting a psychiatrist once, But my sister was like what if they make you start meds even with little to no symptoms. Because obviously itās business for them. But those meds can have side effects.
What are those symptoms?
I donāt really know much about ADHD, but there is a video by Gabor Mate, a trauma and addiction expert, who talks about ADHD being more a developmental problem than a medical/genetic problem. It might have to do with impulse control and emotion regulation.
The title of the video, if you are interested, is:Ā ADHD: The Misunderstood Condition (Eye-opening Insights on ADHD from Dr. Gabor Mate)
Actually, Gabor Mate talks about tuning out, as a coping mechanism for too much stress in childhood. When the child cannot either fight or flee, and the emotions are overwhelming, and there is no one to soothe/calm him down. And so the child tunes out and dissociates from their emotions.
And I think rationalization too can be a way to not feel, i.e. to dissociate. Because when we are thinking, our rational mind is active, and we are not in our limbic/feeling brain. So I imagine it can be a way to feel less.
Ā
One of the main symptoms for me is the very short focus span and low dopamine. He says about impulse regulation I think for me that part is good enough. But yeah tuning out is something more resonating like how I was ignoring my emotions for so long you know. and like you mentioned weāre not our limbic brain during that time
Yeah, because you were not allowed to feel your spontaneous emotions, specially anger and sadness. You needed to behave and be a good boy. So your automatic reaction is to try to suppress the unpleasant emotion ā rather than let it out and show it.
Thatās how you lost a part of your authenticity too ā I mean authenticity in relationships. Because you always need to be on guard and kind of monitor yourself to show a āproperā emotion, i.e. not to let out anything āimproperā, right?
Totally agree! I always tried being a āgood boyā but no more of that sh*t!
Iām trynna be more authentic even if I have to be bluntĀ
Yeah, itās like the emotion needs to be acceptable to others, otherwise you donāt show it, and you perhaps try not to even feel it? For example, since your parents didnāt approve of your anger, youāve learned to rationalize that it doesnāt make sense to feel angry, right? And why you shouldnāt feel angry in a particular situation. And I guess as you are trying to come up with the reasons why you shouldnāt feel angry, you start feeling the emotion less, i.e. dissociating from it.
Yeah! Like I would think whatās the point if thereās no result from my anger so I just suppressed my anger for so long
Ā
Yes, thatās a good advice. To feel it, not immediately try to suppress it and rationalize it. Allow yourself to feel it ā you are not a bad person for it.
So give yourself the permission to feel all your feelings, without judging them. Of course, you will still know how to control yourself in public, because you donāt want to overreact and make a scene. But you can acknowledge your emotions and later journal about them. Give them space, let them flow, because they are a part of your authentic self.
Actually thatās hard for me because my immediate go to is like Calm down and supress. Doesnāt matter public or person. Iām trying to speak up more though. Like recently again I raised my voice at my father. So Iām back to my hometown because my grandpa is very sick. But I was travelling and it was more than 2 days journey back to home. Even my sister said heās sick but no need to be in rush. But my father was like what people and relatives would say that your grandpa is sick and you were not with him? And directly I told him that are you worried about what people what say or worried about Grandpa. Silence again.
July 2, 2024 at 2:25 am #434531SereneWolf
ParticipantI’d like add to feeling my emotions, I’ve been rationalizing a lot, Like Ā a tendency to disassociate myself a lot, whether through daydreaming or activities. So, I rationalize so much that I reach a point where I don’t know if my own rationalization is a way for me to disassociate too. And also, I have to try to understand much more how I have to feel, than what I’m feeling, because I don’t know what I’m feeling, so any conclusion of “which feelings makes more sense at this moment” would be my feeling right now.
And like when I was in therapy she told me something similar like you said she mentioned that this kind of existential crisis that happens is a form of rationalizing ā of having to make sense and rationalize my emotions by relating it to others– as opposed to when you cry because you’re sad or you’re laughing even when things are scary. she told me to feel my emotions when they come, and to not repress myself when I’m feeling upset because “it is better to feel yourself now than build unhealthy mechanisms and hurt yourself and others in the future” and I repressed myself for many many years as you know
July 1, 2024 at 3:59 am #434467SereneWolf
ParticipantSalute Tee,
I hope your health is getting better?
Does it mean youāre planning your trips and explorations outside of India as well? Or the bucket list includes India only, and then you plan to settle somewhere abroad?
Obviously bucket list includes the Worldwide places. Mainly Europe and Southeast Asia though. Some South America and few places in USA.
Ā
What you are describing is a very beautiful idea: to find your true self on your travels, and be one with mother nature and the universe. And if in that state of Being, you find someone who clicks with you and can Be (herself) alongside of you, thatās what youāre actually hoping for, right?
I just want to juxtapose this idealistic, romantic view with the idea of casual sex and āsee ya senoritaā, which you mentioned as a preferred approach during your travels. You cannot meet āthe oneā ā who might be written for you in the stars ā if you engage in casual sex with random girls you meet on your travels. You also cannot meet āthe oneā while in deadly fear of intimacy.
So you would have to choose which path to take. The path of trust (in the universe, to bring you closer to āthe oneā), or the path of fear, where you opt for casual sex and no strings attached.
Yes like I said intentions matters. And Iām not travelling just for casual sex. But let me give you an example what I mean, Like if I met some girl during my journey we hit it off at first, We kinda start dating and explore places together might even physically involved. But after sometime Iād find out that Iām still not feeling that connection & warmth with her as Iād like in a relationship even If I donāt let my fear of intimacy come in between. In that case what Iād do? Force the connection? Or just appreciate moments with her and move on?
and In that case physical involvement would described as casual sex? Again, Itās not a need but I noticed that these things happens in the moment. Because it happened with me in the past.In fact, when you meet āthe oneā, youāll want to be attached to her with as many strings as possible, and for as long as possibleā¦ so actually, to be attached and bonded to the right person is a good and beneficial state of Being. It is called true love. But it cannot happen if you are afraid of those āstringsā, i.e. of attachment to someone who deserves your love.
Yes thatās what Iām thinking! Like I believe she will make attached to her yet it would feel so natural. It wouldnāt feel like Iām giving her the control to hurt. But more like hereās my lil heart I trust you to take care of it and there would be no fear. Just thinking about making me go full of joy haha
Ā
In this case, your being on guard was justified because you saw the behaviors you donāt like (some of what you mentioned is: childish, angry, drinking, smoking, sending confusing vibes). So there was a reason to be on guard and not follow your emotions, even if she seemed exciting and mysterious at first.
So thatās cool that you didnāt throw away your rational mind but included it in the decision making. Because we need both the heart and the mind when deciding about important matters, including matters of the heart.
Thanks, and Iām not regretting it. Because I want to be around the woman who make me feel like yeah good woman do exist.
Although itās same for woman though, I keep hearing from my female friends that there hardly good man left on earth lolWhat I was warning you about is not to stuff down your emotions in general, even if you meet a girl that you like and whose behavior doesnāt raise red flags. When things are fine, and she seems fine, but then the fear in you awakens, and you start pretending like you donāt care.
I remember that with the doctor, you failed to write to her during your entire stay at your parentsā place, which was for more than a week, if I remember well? She was upset about it, and Iād say rightfully ā because you were officially in a relationship.
I donāt know what you felt about her, but if you failed to write because you didnāt want to seem needy and like you cared too much ā thatās a defense mechanism. Thatās when your avoidance stems not from proper discernment, but from fear.
So I just wanted to make that difference.
Yeah youāre right about that that was my mistake and I guess at that time I unconsciously just played around relationship game listening to one of my female friend. But I wonāt make that mistake again. Clear communication is very important in every relationship. Romantic or Friendship. But to update you on that one nowadays I reduced my communication with friends a lot. And I only talk to one of my female friends who is quite younger than me so it kind of also helps because she make me remember my teenage days and what silly and fun things we used to do.
Ā
Yes, you can allow yourself to feel, but you also donāt need to switch off your rational mind. Like, you are not completely swept off your feet that you throw away all common sense through the window. But I guess there is a little probability for the latter, since being careful, rational and on guard is your default āsettingā š
Haha thatās what you think for my current āsettingā? But yeah something similar I guess
So I am encouraging you to keep using your common sense, also when it comes to romantic relationships. But also not to give in to fear if there is no real objection to the girl, but you suddenly start feeling trapped and you want out. Because thatās the fear speaking, not common sense.
Also, I think it would be important to express if something is bothering you about the girl. For example, if she is always late, you can say āI donāt like that you are always late. Iād appreciate if you arrived on time.ā
Yes exactly instead just being angry or using the silent treatment. Like I need to express whatās really bothering me.
Because if I understood you correctly, you have difficulty with expressing when something bothers you. You rather take it a danger signal and start withdrawing immediately, and shutting down vulnerability (as a part of your fearful avoidant attachment), rather than talking to the girl and expressing what is bothering you.
Because she might not be doing it on purpose, but because she isnāt aware that it bothers you. And she would be willing to change that behavior if she knew it bothers you.
But if you donāt say anything but start feeling resentful, you sort of circumvent vulnerability, because admitting that something bothers us is vulnerable. Because we might be rejected or ridiculed or told that we are too sensitive. We might be accused to being weak if we admit that something bothers us.
Something very important! So does that mean even though I feel like I donāt need that person, Unconsciously just the fear of rejection or want for the acceptance makes me stop being vulnerable?
I actually stumbled upon a book because of the YT called Courage to be disliked itās already on my reading list.
So I guess expressing our boundaries makes us vulnerable in a way. But itās a must for communicating clearly and remaining emotionally intimate ā remaining both true to ourselves (authentic)Ā andĀ open towards the other person.
So we donāt betray ourselves (and our needs), but we also donāt withdraw from the person. We express what we need. Thatās how emotional intimacy is maintained.
Definitely and that balance is something Iām struggling with
So I guess a part of the exercise of allowing yourself to feel your emotions, is not only allowing yourself to feel excitement about a girl, but also to feel angry and hurt about something that she is doing, that you donāt like.
Agree and those bad emotions what I was trying to reject but it was there
You donāt suppress your anger and pretend itās not there (because thatās what you were doing in your first LDR), but you express what is bothering you. And then if you see they keep doing it again and again, with no regard for your feelings, and itās something that is important to you, you may want to consider whether you want to be with that girl or not.
Understood.
So in general, allowing yourself to feelĀ allĀ emotions, not stuffing them down, is the way to go (of course, you donāt need to show your raw emotions to everyone. But feel them and acknowledge them ā for yourself).
BTW feeling all emotions is the way to decide what we want. Without being in touch with our emotions we cannot make good decisions.
That was even scientifically proven by a neuroscientist Antonio Damasio. He discovered that in patients who had a specific brain injury, due to which their neocortex wasnāt receiving signals from their limbic and reptilian brains (our emotional brain), the person lost interpersonal skills, the ability to read social cues, as well as the ability to make decisions. Which means that we need emotions to know what is good and bad for us ā we cannot rely only on our rational mind.
That’s very interesting and I think thatās also has to do something with naming our emotions? Because lot of times I would be feeling lot of different things at the same time so journaling and naming and then acknowledging those emotions?
If you go to youtube and search for āCrappy Childhood Fairy Daily Practiceā, youāll get several useful videos, including the one titled āFREE Course: The āDaily Practiceā for Healing Childhood PTSD and CPTSDā. In the description of that video is the link to the free āDaily Practiceā course. Which is basically the way to journal about your emotions. You write about things that you are afraid of and things that you are resentful about. So basically you journal about your fear and anger. And lots of good stuff comes out of it š
Thanks for sharing! I checked it out and I think I did try that before as well but I didnāt sticked to this habit. Now Iāll try to. And it does work very well I remember that. I also took an online CPTSD test again and the score is 38/80
0-32 = None-low
33-80 = Likelihood of CPTSD
also checked again for ADHD test. It says Mild ADHD but I feel some of ADHD symptoms are quite bothersomeAnd because of that Iām thinking about starting Bullet Journaling
BTW I hope I am not burdening you with these ātractatesā (because I see this ended up being a looong post again). I sometimes tend to go overboard in trying to explain my point š Anyway, let me know if I should cut down a little š
Itās fine as long as youāre okay with it. Just take care of your eyes and back too haha
June 24, 2024 at 11:39 am #434174SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
Oh wow, congratulations! Iāve checked the Statue of Unity (didnāt even know about it), and oh my, itās 182 m high, which is almost double the height of Statue of Liberty! Must admit, itās not that beautiful :), but it is impressive, for sure. How did you cope with the high temperatures that were measured in India recently?
Yup itās not that awesomely beautiful statue. But that man helped the India how it is now otherwise it would like Europe now. So many countries. Sardar Patel made all the small and medium size to big states sign the treaty to join India. Thatās why itās called statue of Unity.
It’s starting of the Monsoon season here, and actually because of the heat I decided to move to a city with a better weather. (Iām already in train as Iām writing this)
Thanks, my back is now behaving a little better fortunately, so itās the knee that is giving me the most trouble. I hope itās temporary and not some big setback.
Ah I hope so too. Try to have more calcium rich food it may work.
Ā
Does it mean youāll be living like a digital nomad, working remotely from various places, not having a fixed address? And for how long are you planning that?
Yes. Iām planning to live as a Digital nomad as least for 2-3 years. Until I finish my travel bucket list. After that Iāll decide where I want to stay. Like good and peaceful place for a family to grow. As of now India doesnāt seem like it for long term.
So is that what you have in mind for your next phase? Or how exactly do you envision your love life in the next phase?
Thatās a hard question to answer. And you may still think that Iām being too much hopeful. But I think love of my life will just come. If itās written in my destiny she isnāt going anywhere. Weāll meet when the time is right. So, I donāt have like a foolproof plan for how to find love during my travel journey. But just a hope that itāll happen.
During the journey my work wouldnāt be finding love, but try to find my own self. Enjoy the mother nature. Be in the present and know that Iām part of this big ever-changing universe.I also know that during my journey Iāll also meet lot of people and Iāll create lot of connections. So who knows it could be one of them? Only time will tell.
Well, if you didnāt miss her, why were you angry that she is playing games with you and sending you confusing vibes?
Because she said stuff like that and then acted like nothing happened.
Ā
This doesnāt sound like you didnāt really care about her. It sounds like you care, and you are hurt and angry that she is playing hot and cold. But you pretended not to care, by replying sarcastically: āwell, whoās stopping you to contact me?ā You didnāt express your vulnerability (e.g. you didnāt say āI miss you tooā), or your upset, by you pretended not to care whether she writes or not.
Yes because like I said Iām being logical and seeing the end result here? Why should I put energy into those things If I donāt want go deeper into that relationship? I donāt even like her that much.
Thatās why I asked you to be honest with yourself. To acknowledge your feelings ā not necessarily to her, but to yourself. To acknowledge that she did stir interest in you, that she does seem mysterious and exciting in a way, and that it doesnāt feel good when she is playing games with you and playing with your feelings. But also, that you donāt like her drinking and smoking and I donāt know what else you object to.
Okay youāre right about this. I kept shutting up myself like shut up sheās not your type so donāt hype up about her, donāt think about her. Donāt get excited. But yeah, reality is she did stir interest in me a lot At first. Now that interest is faded. After knowing she keeps repeating her mistakes. Sheās quite childish and angry and no improvement in her even after years of therapy. And itās not just about her in this. But Iām being selfish here. Why should I put time and energy for this? Sheās older than me. She knows whatās right and wrong. Iāll just let her be. Because if Iām in her or not it wouldnāt make much difference.
Perhaps write it all down: everything you feel about her. Like in that exercise by Anna Runkle (youtube channel āCrappy Childhood Fairyā, her āDaily practiceā exercise).
So what I am suggesting is to be more honest with yourself about how youāre feeling. Donāt share those emotions with her ā donāt show your vulnerability to her ā because she might not deserve it. But be honest withĀ yourself, allow yourself to feel those emotions, donāt stuff them down immediately.
Youāve been stuffing down your emotions for so long, and now itās time to let them flow ā to feel them. I think you now have the capacity to let them flow through you and not be overwhelmed. Youāve grown a lot in the recent years and developed that capacity.
Remember, you are allowed to feel those feelings, and you donāt need to hide them, because neither your mother or your father are watching you. You can feel whatever you feel, and thatās okay.
And as I said, you can start writing down your feelings, to make them more contained and less all over the place. Itās something you do only for yourself, for your own healing.
Thanks, youāre right this is something also I really need to work on. When something like this happens, I just deny my feelings, Like what? This canāt be me. So I should be more honest with myself and accept that itās okay to simply allow those human emotions. Itās normal.
I think there should be some good journaling course. Because there are times when Iām able to write down what Iām feeling but sometimes if Iām overwhelmed with lot of emotions at once itās not easy to put it on paper.
And no I wonāt be vulnerable with her. Like you said because I feel like she doesnāt deserve it.
June 22, 2024 at 1:23 pm #434144SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
I am not doing that well, since some old health issues (knee problems) resurrected again, which have magically disappeared in the last 1.5 years, since Iāve been suffering from back pain. Well now they are back, so now I need to start dealing with that tooā¦aarrghā¦ I hope itās temporary though and will get betterā¦
Ohh I’m sorry to hear that. Knee and back pain, both. That’s hard to deal with. I hope you find the strength to deal with that pain. Try to rest as much as you can and don’t push yourself too much. I hope your pain eases up soon.
To get to the essence, I understand your point of view. But are you suggesting me to find someone and have a committed relationship just when I started my travelling journey? Like I mentioned I don’t want LDR again.
I mean I know as a good mentor you’re trying to point out the things and without facing that fear maybe there wouldn’t be true healing. Because all this time I just tried to tip my toes in the river instead of actually diving in and start swimming.
Before I wasn’t very clear , But now I know that my real fear is being vulnerable with someone I try to be intimate with. That’s something I need to work on.
But question is should my priority right now should be only working on relationships? or my self esteem? Or the sense of feeling good enough?
I also wanted to mention that I started reading the book from the Vex King, Good Vibes, Good Life: How Self-Love Is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness. Only read few pages (Because my focus span is still ain’t good) and I’m enjoying it.
So would you like to be FWB with this new girl? Have you told her that? Because as far as I know, you refused a regular relationship, but you didnāt tell her youād like FWB, right? You werenāt really āclear and straight forwardā.
Like I said I don’t want to continueĀ with this girl. We’re not enemies so we can talk sometime and that’s about it. Because even for FWB I have some ground rules that I follow and she doesn’t meet that area. FWB for me is more than casual sex. and I talked to my friend who warned me about her and she said she have many options so maybe that’s why she be playing games like who wins and I don’t want to be a part of that game. and I don’t understand what’s wrong in telling “well if you miss me, why donāt you write more?” Because I didn’t missed talking to her that much.
I’ll write second part later on.
June 18, 2024 at 2:08 am #433933SereneWolf
ParticipantI don’t know why quoting isn’t’ working as it should be. But I’ll try to come up with a fix next time.
June 18, 2024 at 2:06 am #433932SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
How you doing?Sorry for little late reply.
I finally started my travel journey! Yaaaaay!
I started with worldās tallest statue, Statue of Unity. It was so much fun.It could be that if they donāt pick up immediately that something is bothering you, you feel unseen by them, and you conclude that your needs donāt matter to them, and that they might hurt you (maybe itās not even conscious but unconscious reasoning). And from that moment on, you are on guard and you start distancing yourself.
If so, it means that a minor slip on their part leads to a major danger alert going off in your subconscious mind. And so you switch to defense mode, where you are on alert for being hurt. And in order to prevent being hurt, you preemptively withdraw and stop being open and vulnerable. This is what might be happening.
The reason for that is the old trauma, which causes you to make a big deal out of a minor issue. And to put up your shields.Okay I think this is moderately accurate. I do think thatās what might be happening
What happened in your childhood is that your mother didnāt really care about your emotional needs: she didnāt care if your fatherās anger outbursts hurt you. Moreover, she told you to accept it without any resistance. She basically told you your emotions donāt matter (in this case fear and anger), and that you should be able to control your anger and pretend that itās not there. She told you that you should silently take the verbal ābeatingsā and be a good, obedient boy.
In other words, your mother didnāt have much regard for your emotional needs. She didnāt let you have boundaries. Or to be rightfully upset for being mistreated. And it felt horrible. It felt like a prison. It felt so horrible that you left home at the age of 17.
She didnāt let you set boundaries, and so you didnāt get the chance to learn how to set boundaries. The only way to protect yourself from being invaded was to leave. To remove yourself from the situation/relationship completely.Again accurate. Because boundaries felt like Iām being disobedient. Not a āgoodā in their perspective. So it was nearly impossible for me to put my needs first than that others.
Like okay I started travelling yet somewhere Iām feeling guilty Iām not spending time with my siblings and family, specially my sister since she gave birth to a baby boy. even though I spent 3 months at my hometown. They told me to stay and like take care of my sister but still just listening to my grandpa nowadays boils my blood heās old and sick so I donāt like to disrespect so I just wanted to leave. I did whatās good for myself. I raised my voice. Yet still I feel guilty for that.
I had to told them even though Iām doing a remote job. I need lil more peaceful environment to focus on work and at home I canāt do that.So this is I think whatās happening: in a romantic relationship, when you feel that the person doesnāt care about your needs ā and it could be that even a minor thing can trigger such a feeling ā your knee-jerk reaction is to want to leave the relationship. Even if you donāt leave physically, you start withdrawing emotionally, and the intimacy is lost for you. Intimacy is not an option any more.
So instead of working to repair the relationship ā and maintain emotional connection and intimacy ā you put a stop on intimacy. You block it. Even if you stay in the relationship, you stay in a self-defense mode, with your shields up (weāve talked about the shield/armor around your heart).Hmm I see. Good analysis. I think itās like the sergeant you mentioned before. Once heās aware that thereād be an attack. All he thinks about is war. Not peace.
And I think one aspect of this self-defense mode is the superiority/inferiority dynamic, where you feel less vulnerable if you can feel superior than your partner.
In the relationship with your father, you felt inferior and never good enough. It seems that with a romantic partner, you never want to feel that way: worthless, unlovable, not good enough. And so you either avoid relationships altogether, or if you opt for a relationship, you want to feel better than your partner. Because thatās how you feel safe(r) from her criticism.Yes and also because of that my self esteem went lower so like even if I get women out of my āleagueā (It happened most of the time, Physically or career wise) Iād just question my worth like how did I get this kind of women? She way better than me thereās no way this is gonna be long term. Sooner or later sheād know that sheās somehow ābetterā than me and sheād obviously choose something better and leave. And I think thatās where superiority/inferiority dynamic is happening. and because of that I mostly tried keep on edge and improving myself like lil better than her.
I think thatās why you also want to perfect yourself as much as possible before getting married:
[I said] Maybe loving hard also means that you need to work hard to be lovable? That you need to be successful, so she would love you (āshe can always find a rich husband but a for a guy, he got to be something goodā)?
[you replied] Kind of yes I guess like trying to perfecting the relationship and my partner too.
I imagine itās because the idea of being stuck with someone who criticizes you all the time (such as a criticizing, judgmental wife) is unbearable.
But I think also the idea of being stuck with a woman who is full of faults, who is unaware of her issues and refuses to work on herself ā is equally unbearable to you:Yes Exactly
I just donāt want to deal with the women who arenāt even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority.
In your last post you said the girl should be similar to you:
I donāt think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
Putting all this information together, it seems to me that your perfect partner is someone who has similar issues, i.e. someone who similarly like you doesnāt feel good enough and wants to āperfectā herself.Ah right Eureka moment haha! You right she kind of āFulfilā those criteria and thatās why I felt good with her
Now this latest girl has issues as well, possibly some similar to yours (anger), but overall, she has bigger issues than you in terms of mental health. She also seems interested in working on herself (she has been in therapy for 4 years), which is a must for you.
So right there youāve got 2 potential attraction points: she has similar but greater issues than you, and she is (at least in theory) interested in self-improvement.
You also said she is mysterious:
I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first. ā¦ She smokes, sheās dramatic and her anger is always on the edge. I tried to understood why sheās the way she is and I noticed that itās just her coping mechanisms, At heart sheās kind and loving woman.
It could be that you were intrigued by her anger (because it reminded you of your father), and started hoping that underneath her anger you might find a ākind and loving womanā. So she would be someone similar to your father, and yet different: someone who appears rough and angry on the outside, but is actually kind and loving underneath. This might have been a hope and the excitement that your inner child felt in the presence of this āmysteriousā woman.
Maybe I got carried away too much here. But in any case, I can see why you were intrigued by her, even if she appears the āopposite of what you likeā (another friend told me how she is opposite of what I like).Yes that could be also the thing. But nowadays who wants to show their true self? She mentioned few times how hard it is for her to open up and being vulnerable. But she makes me angry too. Like on Weekend she texted like She missed talking to me. I replied whoās stopping you? and then she replies me for that 2 days after with a funny IG reel. And I have much better things to do than focusing on someone like her who isnāt sure of anything and changes colour like a chamaeleon. Like Iām exhausted with dating games. Like if itās a Yes or no. and confusing vibes. With Casual I can at least be straight forward and clear like hey Iām working on myself and I canāt commit with you for a full fledge relationship but I wouldnāt mind spending a good time with you if youāre okay with it. I want clear and straight forward things. NO BS. That way thereās also good possibility of gaining a friendship first which is must having a good time or like you know not feel alone since weāre all social creatures. And from friendship thereās also good possibility of deepen the relationship if things go well. Because I know my intentions are good and Iād prefer the same from her. and another pattern that I noticed is that if I’m good friends with a person I’d try be vulnerable with them more easily
But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We canāt say that Iām attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah sheās more troubled thatās for sure.
Well, you were attracted to a troubled person in the past (your first LDR), with whom you stayed for more than 3 years. And you said she was your best LDR.
Maybe I am looking too much into this, and I apologize if I am talking nonsense. But still, hereās what I am thinking: perhaps the reason why you considered her your best relationship is because she fulfilled the 3 criteria that I listed above: 1) similar but greater issues than you, 2) openness (at least declarative) to self-improvement and change, and 3) openness to being coached/helped by you, as someone who is āfurther alongā on the self-development journey? Perhaps these are the āattraction pointsā that make you fall in love with a girl?
Please note: this is just an assumption. Think about it, and see if it resonates at all. If yes, then itās kind of a formula of how you fall in love, a formula which is more or less based on self-defense. It doesnāt really allow for intimacy and vulnerability.
Let me know what you think. And I apologize if I went overboard with my assumptions and analysis.I like the word āFormula of How I Loveā and no you didnāt go overboard and I request that you do. Iād prefer a brutal honestly.
I mean it may have been somewhat true in past but I think now my formula of love has been changed. Or I at least have to meet someone so I can experiment/explore about this further.But I thought about it a lil and let me tell you things what kind of women attracts me the most or like kind of feeling of melting for her (Is that similar to love?)
Similar life values & Someone who have the same priorities so we can support each other in our goals/shared goals
Honesty & Trust ā For me Love comes after those two things
Feeling of Unconditional love ā I know in past and also from my childhood I mostly felt āConditionalā love. So I want to have proper feeling like what actually feels like when a person loves you unconditionally.
I want to mention that in my 1st LDR I did feel unconditional love but not the level of reassurance that Iād like with that so it was a shaky feelingKind to others (Specially animals)
Empathic (Thanks for making me realize value for being empathic)
Have some passion
Creativity ā I know Iām not that much creative person but I absolutely admire various kind of arts. So l like Art (Woman) creating an Art? How awesome is that? Another thing Is that I donāt know if its true or not but I think creative woman would be better at expressing her emotions. Something I can learn from her
And above all someone who values of words and even more the actions. Because again Efforts are sexy. Show me how you love instead of just saying things.I know relationships arenāt about transactions. But Iām expecting these things because I know I can provide those things.
June 9, 2024 at 7:47 am #433615SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
Hope youāre having a good weekend.
Iāve watched another video by the same psychologist (Heidi Priebe), where she goes into a great detail explaining the main features of the fearful avoidant style. The video is 1 hr long, and itās calledĀ 10 Signs You May Have A Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style.Ā She herself used to be fearful avoidant, so thatās her specialty and she knows a lot about it.
First of all thanks a lot for putting that much time for me. Youāre a truly good mentor and supporter. Itās good that if she herself used to be fearful avoidant she definitely has more insights.
I also watched the video you suggest and I do think Iām leaning towards more avoidant style
Anyway, I watched it and recognized similar features that you shared about your own behavior in relationships. Here are two signs of the fearful avoidant style that she described, which I think youāve expressed too (her bullets are expressed in the āyouā form, so I am keeping that form):
-
You crave intimacy but fear commitment
-
You want other people to be vulnerable before you are
Yes I agree I can resonate with both of the points and again leaning more on avoidant side
In the following, Iāll paraphrase what she said about each of these signs:
- You crave intimacy but fear commitment
The false belief (based on their childhood experiences):Ā to be in a relationship means to give up my independence and my sense of selfĀ to give endlessly of myself to the other person.
Fearful avoidants like people and intimate connections, but they are afraid of losing their sense of self in the relationship. So they make a deal with themselves: āIāll go into the relationship, Iāll get that hit of intimacy and a sense of connectedness, but then I am going to pull back and Iām not going to enter this relationship long term, because to be in a relationship long term means to lose my sense of self. So Iāll sacrifice my sense of self for a while, to get the intimacy I need and crave, but then I pull back because I canāt bear to lose myself on the long runā.
They donāt realize that one can keep their sense of self and still be deeply emotionally connected to another person. They engage is merging with the other person, but at the expense of losing themselves, which is painful. So the fearful avoidant only feels comfortable in relationships when there is an expiry date. The idea of a long-term commitment, even to someone they really love, is terrifying.
(end of paraphrase)
You too expressed this same notion of losing yourself in the relationship, and completely focusing on the other person and their needs and wants:
Sometimes I canāt say No to a person even though Iād like to say No. ā¦ I really fear disappointing them.
In relationship I care too much and even if theyāre little careless about their health or things that affect them or make them worry it makes me worry 3x times more and I canāt focus on my things.
In relationships I just loose myself in the process because over caring and overthinking about partner. And it affects my mood and even the sleepā¦
If I even notice even a little that what I suggested made them uncomfortable I wouldnāt hesitate to change my plans just to see them not disappointed.
The above are the examples where you lost yourself in the relationship and started caring not to disappoint your partner, not to want anything for yourself. You also started overly caring about her physical and emotional well-being, to the point of getting enmeshed and not being able to focus on your own stuff, and even losing sleep over it. That was happening in both of your LDRs, if I remember well.
So thatās the āhardā love that you want to avoid. The enmeshed, self-denying love, which is I guess the anxious part of your personality.
No wonder you donāt want it. You get exhausted in such relationships. And then you go back to being alone and restoring your independence:
I donāt like being even partially ādependentā on someone or affected by them. It could be because I like to control (Itās lot better than before but still) but not being controlled. Because I prefer some things should be my way. And It should be without judgements.
Like I know Iām in touch with my inner child and I still do lot of things that an adult actually doesnāt do like I turned into a kid when Iām with kids, Different kind of bicycling, Singing and dancing for no reason (Lot of times while cooking, Watching Anime and Cartoons and lot of things like that). And I kind of fear they would judge me for that and not actually understand.
When I asked you what you wouldnāt compromise, you said:
I think my freedom and ability to do whatever I want.
Also ability to go wherever I go. Itās like a parent would be like donāt go to hike there itās dangerous out there and then even after she said no and Iād go I feel guilty.
But the problem is when this independence turns into total self-reliance, which is the opposite extreme of enmeshment. Which again isnāt a healthy state. And so the goal, according to this psychologist, and I agree with her, is integration.
Whereas now you might be prone to suppressing your emotional, overly reactive and needy part (the one that goes into enmeshment), youād need to acknowledge it and give it more room for expression. For example, dare to speak up if something bothers you about the personās behavior. Donāt suppress your frustration and pretend that you are so very tolerant and understanding (which you used to do in your LDRs, if I remember well). Set boundaries. Express your likes and dislikes. I donāt want to go into details in this post, but setting boundaries and expressing your dislikes would be the way to integrate your emotional, reactive part.
The second feature of the fearful avoidant style, which I think also applies to you is:
- You want other people to be vulnerable before you are
This is what Heidi Priebe says about it:
People with fearful avoidant style do want emotional intimacy, but they also fear getting hurt. They are quite guarded, even if they are warm, empathic and engaging. They ask a lot of questions, but they donāt share too much about themselves (specially not the vulnerable parts). They are good listeners ā they make other people comfortable and safe to express themselves and talk about deeper things. But they donāt want to share similarly deep about themselvesĀ until they are sure that the power dynamic is tipped in their favor.
Thatās because they believe that people are naturally inclined to hurt and betray each other. They donāt trust people. So the only way they are willing to open up and share vulnerable information about themselves is if they are sure that the other person is āworse offā than them, i.e. has bigger weaknesses than them. Or that the other person is more in love with them than they are with the person, and so the other person has more to lose than them.
The fearful avoidant is always evaluating: whatās the likelihood that this person is safe for me to open up to. But their indicators of safety are not that the person is warm and kind and comforting, but itās more likely to be something like: āthis person has already shown me all of their cards, so now I can flip over mine, knowing that their issues are bigger than mineā.
People with fearful avoidant style usually donāt pursue, but wait to be pursued. Because pursuing/chasing someone requires vulnerability, which fearful avoidants donāt want to show.
(end of paraphrase)
You talked about not wanting to be too vulnerable with your partner (in your LDRs). You also mentioned feeling inferior (at least in the beginning) with the doctor. And you were attracted to troubled people, whom you perhaps unconsciously saw as weaker, or with more problems, than yourself.
So perhaps the tendency to get attracted to problematic girls is a part of this need to not feel judged by your partner, because you kind of feel ābetterā than them, and thus safer from their criticism and their ability to hurt you (which would be a defense against the wound your father inflicted upon you, criticizing you for your āweaknessesā and your āimperfectionsā). I am not claiming this, but it is a possibility.
Anyway, it seems to me you do fit some of the features of the fearful avoidant style. And the good news is that it can be healed ā via integration. Integration of the emotionally reactive, angry and needy part (which you are perhaps ashamed of and want to keep hidden from people) into your main personality. By allowing yourself to say No and have boundaries, basically.
Let me know how all of this sounds?
Those are very good insights so thanks for pointing that out and the thing is that Iām trying to create a healthy boundaries but most of the time what is still happening that If I get a minor inconvenience or feel like theyāre not respecting my boundaries even once or twice I distance myself from them and after that I kinda feel much less connected to them. Because something I really hate is repeating myself so like if I get vulnerable with them and say look this is whatās bothering me so it would be better if you be aware next time. And after that they still do that the respect I have for them starts to fade. Because Iām very strict when it comes to other peopleās boundaries. And not in just romantic relationships but friendships as well.
And the thing is that itās draining for me.
About the angry part I think Iām getting better like the recent things I told you Iām not suprassing my anger like before.
But the needy part? Thatās kinda hard I hate to kinda express people I need them. It does feel better when I know that I can be dependable (Not 100%) but to be honest in all this time life kept gave me reminders that I can only depend on myself so thatās why that part is hard for me. I do have some good friends but if I think deep enough I feel like really donāt want to be vulnerable with them that much. Does that mean I need friends? And I donāt think that some damaged people but hmm more like someone I can resonate with a little, Not too much different from me so it would be easier to open up for me.
Also about the troubled people part, I donāt actually see them weaker like I said I stopped that kinda comparing while ago. But yeah maybe subconsciously. And I also agree with her on the Power Dynamics because thatās what I did in the part. I liked control. But just because this recent woman which I barely talked to her for like 2 weeks. We canāt say that Iām attracted to troubled people. Can we? But yeah sheās more troubled thatās for sure. And nowadays who isnāt troubled more or less everyone is troubled. Everyone is trying to fight their demons and heal. I just donāt want to deal with the women who arenāt even self aware about their traumas and not actively working on it. Because effort is something that really attractive to me. Kind of a priority. Because I did noticed that when I donāt see efforts I also lost interest quite fast. One of the reasons why I broke up with one of the Best LDR I had. Because I felt like I was the only one putting the efforts there. and that’s why in 2nd LDR I sensed like I don’t want to deal with the same thing because I felt like she wouldn’t even put the effort more than the previous one. so I broke up with her as well. and now I’m not interested in LDR at all. and now I crave physical intimacy more than anything. Hand holding. cuddling, kissing and just playful activities together etc.
May 31, 2024 at 11:11 am #433352SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
Thanks for sharing. I’ll watch the video and share my thoughts with you.May 30, 2024 at 1:54 pm #433319SereneWolf
ParticipantI think doctor was able to get really close to my heart. But there was fear of intimacy. fearful avoidant attachment style you know.
and I guess also part that I wanted something more again because I did enjoyed when we doing different things together. But then I got bored and after that because of the job anxiety I totally ignored her.
May 30, 2024 at 1:48 pm #433318SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
So the doctor didnāt touch your heart? Or she did, but she wasnāt able to break down the walls in your heart?
You see ā itās not about the woman. Itās about you. If you fear (either intimacy, or losing something good and hurting afterwards), then you will keep those walls up, even if itās the best thing that ever happened to you.
If fear prevails, no woman will be able to break down the walls of your heart. The person who needs to do it is you.
Yes I know it’s about me. and when talking to one of my friend after a while I think there could be some different thing playing role in this. I thought I had just mild ADHD but it I think it increased to moderate. Because my dopamine levels would low most of the time and I would keep seek novelty. That’s why maybe I’m just getting more curious at first and then when there’s no novelty like I know enough I get bored and move on to next
May 30, 2024 at 1:36 pm #433317SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.
And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! Thatās the spirit! You didnāt feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!Thanks! I think Iām finally able to start working on my new identity shift
So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldnāt provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldnāt explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).
How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?
So for that matter itās like 10 days now. And I think thereās no feeling of guilt. Although My father does started to tell my mom (Not to me or my brother directly) that weāre not obedient like before. We siblings talk back a lot. And My mother still just listens to that. But she did told me that if you think itās hurting you then speak up I didnāt speak up in all these years so I donāt speak up or just rarely.It seems the inner protector ā the inner Uncle Iroh ā has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?
Hmm I think Yes. But because of his patterns I knew what heās going to do so I sorta decided that this time I wonāt be silent Iāll speak up. So I guess Inner voice helped me to stand up for myself?Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think itās wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.
Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other peopleās abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.
Yes! Thanks for the reminderYess! That was a great success ā your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.
Yes actually this is a big point for my identity shift because of my past failures I was considering myself as a failureOkay, it could be that some ārewritingā of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, youāve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some ārewritingā has happened for sure.
Yes I definitely think so, and there are some other ārewritingsā are needed to remove the old beliefsIs there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?
No I donāt think I need validation from them.Do you feel that you still donāt believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?
Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the āgood oldā (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you youāre not good enough?
Yes I think maybe itās that. How to tackle that and make the newly found voice stronger?
Iām slowly starting to believe about some positive things about myself but I do still have kind of inferiority complex even though I donāt compare myself to othersYou mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner āvalidatorā is not strong enough?
Yes ExactlyWhat exactly do you feel you are missing right now?
Thatās the thing. Iām not sure sometimes I feel like I need to befriend with myself so I donāt feel alone or just self-sabotage and waste time -
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