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SParticipant
Totally understandable. Iām in a moment of fear and anxiety so I word vomited. I apologize. Well, I donāt apologize because itās my truth but I hope I didnāt overwhelm you. See you in 16 hours.
and – Iāve considered moving out many times – but donāt have a job, am stuck as a student. And Iām mentally miserable and dysregulated. But thatās 50% because Iām here. So itās a self fulfilling prophecy. I need to leave though. I need to figure out how. I donāt want to leave and then come back again (hell no) so thatās why I didnāt rush to move out. But youāre right.
SParticipantNow I have to make a decision, for college.. when I donāt even know who I am or my true nature. I donāt know how to feel comfortable in my own skin or connect with people. But have to decide my career. Itās so overwhelming.
SParticipantRecently I took up journaling about fears – and then meditation after. It helps. But I still feel afraid and angry. And numb with meds that I canāt seem to get off after 8 years. Itās just so difficult. I donāt wanna die like this.
SParticipantI was a kid who wanted to be free to express who I am but was too afraid. Other kids saw my fear and took advantage of that and made me a punching bag for 3 years. My parents were too stressed to care. Once the bullying stopped, my mental health was in such a shitty place, I hated myself more than I ever had. And now my body was growing; I tried to sit comfortably in the cafeteria and make friends, but the anxiety had grown so strong. It felt like everyone was looking at me and I couldnāt shake it. I tried to make friends but I felt no connection to anyone, and if I did, I would be so anxious I couldnāt stand to be around them and for someone to think I was āgay.ā The suppressing my fear of myself and all my emotions for most of my childhood caught up with me. So I went on meds. And more meds. Came out as gay. And become a straight A student. Until I broke down. And broke down again. More therapy. More and more. Until I became dependent on weed. Would chase chaos. college parties that were pretending to have fun. sex and relations with men who made my gut feeling hurt. Jobs where I thought would make me happy but didnāt. Still empty. Late nights with men who I could express my femininity with, but I was treated/treated myself into this fetish, hyper sexual trans package for them. I would smoke weed, drink, take sleeping pills all at the same time and meet up with guys. The lines of consent got muddy a few times, basically. I was falling asleep while he did the things he did. Or I just didnāt even wanna do it, I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am.
its been a painful existence. I want to be a success story but how am I supposed to do that when I keep getting in my own way?
SParticipantI know what you said about the past itās true. Itās been repeating itself for years and years and years for me.
I just donāt know the next step, how to resolve the past. Or I do, but Iām afraid. Of repeating the same past pattern. And that itāll just keep repeating. So I do nothing most of the time.
Iām so far away from where I want to be that it feels like a dense empty/numb fog that Iāve been living in for so so long. I meditate and journal, and therapy, but this is to cope, this will not free me or bring me peace, I know that as a fact. I know I want to feel connected to myself – but in the past, when I tried to express who I am, I got shut down so many times that I closed off for years, being completely numb with antidepressants/internet/porn and now; Iāve got to start or Iāll waste more and more time in my life. Iām 23 but am frozen at 14. With the same unresolved emotional issues. Iām so tired, Iāve almost ended it all many times. I want to be free And happy but Iām scared. Iām scared to live with regret and not change even more. Itās horrifying.
SParticipantThank you for saying all that. I feel like I’m being seen by you – an experience I’ve only had a handful of times in my life. So thank you so much for that. You’re so right about all that.
I once felt an emotional connection to a boy a couple years ago and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments. When that ended, it’s like my life did too.
I also lived away for 2 years and experienced a slight decrease in inner turmoil at an out-of-city college, but my past trauma, fears to express myself/femininity and walls built-up made it only moderately different than being in my home. My friendships were surface level. When I would put glitter on my eyelids and smile at the lady at the coffeeshop across the street, that was a pleasant moment.
I would love to communicate with you.Ā Enough about the past, though. I’m here to embrace the now. It seems almost impossible to find people to connect and express with in this time during COVID. That’s what feels like my roadblock. My gut feeling is telling me maybe people at a job will connect with me, but my brain/body is so scrambled and pumped up, a job seems out of reach.
I’m not sure how this forum works. Do we reply to each other on here?
Sean
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