Anita- Thank you for reaching out. I’m doing better- just taking everything day by day, which is the best that I can do.

Anita-

Thank you so much for writing such a detailed response- I appreciate it. Your post yesterday helped me so much- I realized how removed from reality I’ve become regarding my parents’ effects on me.

You wrote: -Please turn down the volume of your shouting  parents and turn up the volume of the following words, your own words: “moving back to my childhood home..  is a recipe for disaster“. Preventing a disaster is a way wiser strategy than co-creating a disaster and then try to get out of it.

This is exactly what I should be thinking. I would be essentially destroying my own life. And at this age (I’m not old, but not young either), I realize I should pick up the pieces of what’s left of my life and make something meaningful of it.

You wrote– (1) preventing the disaster of moving in with your mother/ parents and otherwise, improving your mental health, as well as (2)  not accommodating your father’s selfishness- these are parts of being socially responsible. 

You know, that is a great point! Honestly, I never even looked at it from that angle. I’ve been raised to believe that social responsibility only equals filial responsibility. And filial responsibility is putting up with your parents’ abuse no matter what- because they’ve financially provided for you. I know how disturbing my viewpoint sounds, and I didn’t even realize the extent to which I’ve held it until typing it up now.

“just seeing people bonding, going out, etc., makes me think, why is it SO hard for me to have that?“- This was my own question.

Although…I will say that I’d just been starting to make some progress in this area, when COVID upended everything. I’m now looking at groups and online dating to get involved with people again. But I know that a huge part of this is thinking that everyone’s going to be like my parents (or extended family- and they’re not that much better). Trying to become more aware of self-sabotage here.

You wrote: Parents should not get a right-to-abuse any more than a boyfriend gets.. there is no such right!

Of course, but the scary thing is- a part of me read this and thought- “parents do have the right to inflict damage on you because they gave you life.” I know how incredibly messed-up my mindset is, but it’s what I’ve grown up with. I hope I don’t sound like I’m making excuses for myself– but reading all this in black-and-white in front of me makes me understand just how twisted my psyche has become with regard to this aspect of my life: which of course has affected all the OTHER aspects of my life.

I’m glad you showed me some of my own posts- it’s like I have the knowledge of what’s the right thing to do- just trouble following it.

Promise yourself to always and forevermore live away from your parents… no matter what.

THIS^^

I’ll be referring to this thread a lot when I’m feeling trapped by my parents again- as will inevitable happen again at some point.

Thanks again for providing so much insight.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Selkie.

Anita-

Thanks for your quick response. Wow…I’d forgotten that I’d even posted that 5 years ago. Seeing that post and my post today in comparison- reality about the way my life is and the ways in which it hasn’t changed just hit me. Yes- you’re completely right.

I am guessing that no matter how much you do for them, your father will not be pleased.. and your mother- it may make no difference to her, what and how much you sacrifice. And so, all your loving sacrifice will be for nothing.

Yes. Correct. Although (before all this happened)- I was in more or less in a better place than that post 5 years ago (I find creative work deeply fulfilling and sustaining and that helps my mental health)- not much has changed. Because I have and continued to put my parents’ needs before my own. And now– that my mother has had the stroke, my father expects me to especially do this, if something happens to him.

Logically, the most healthy thing would be for me to severely reduce contact. Emotionally, I won’t be able to do that right now because of this particular situation.

I admit- not taking action has been an issue all my life, and while I do have some good things in my life (living in a large city still, my creative work (outside my not-so-fulfilling job), the most important thing that I should have done- cutting the emotional/codependency cord from my parents, hasn’t happened. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

You’re also right that moving back to my childhood home should my imagined worst-case scenario come true is a recipe for disaster. It’s just that– I can’t see any options re: caring for my mother should it happen. I’m so overwhelmed right now I can’t even think straight about all this. I probably need to calm down and just think.

I wouldn’t quit my employment though- that just wouldn’t be possible. I guess I have to hear my mind without my parents shouting at top volume inside it.