Dear anita:

Thank you for your reply.

I’m thinking that the change in my breathing and the noticeable physical sensations (like my heart races a bit) is a result of fear. I think I’m having a hard time fully grasping that fear because of the duality of my mental state. I actively want to be intimate with my partner and still have strong desires for my partner, but as that physical intimacy gradually increases, so too does an anxious feeling. Now that I’m thinking about it (with help from your response), it seems more like a fear of abandonment and/or rejection if I don’t “perform” the way I’m expected to (of course that “expectation” is more of an assumption on my part).

In my past relationship, I blamed myself for my ex-partner’s infidelity, despite also believing that his infidelity had little, if anything at all, to do with me. As an example, it’s as if I said to myself, “He cheated because I was not able to sexually satisfy him.” I think the thought replayed in my head when my current partner and I tried to engage in intercourse, and this realization has bothered me a bit. I guess another thing I’m mentally telling myself is something like “if I just perform better, I’ll be desired more” while simultaneously believing (subconsciously anyway) that I’m undesirable to begin with (and I think this latter thought is baggage I’ve held on to from my last relationship.

I write in a journal regularly and have been using that as a catalyst for healing for a multitude of emotions I’ve had difficulty sifting through and understanding. Part of the reason I posted here was because I also think it would help me to receive insights from others, rather than “healing in a vacuum” in a manner of speaking.

It helps to talk it out… I appreciate you responding to this and also trying to grasp an understanding.