Dear Rose of Yellow.

Thank you for sharing that story. It really helps put things in perspective. I always thought if I loved a man so much I wouldn’t care if I had to take care of him in his old age. But that story shows you can end up angry with your life choices. Consider it a cautionary tale.

And yes, like your boss, I craved the attention of an older man. But really, who doesn’t want attention?

So what is the age gap “limit” which you can both can be partners? 15 years? 10 years? 5 years? I have considered having an age gap friendship, preferably with a woman. I like to think of it like a lioness with her cub. She’d protect me whilst I grew physically/emotionally. But I digress.

I asked this question with Anita: is it okay to be in an age gap relationship if it’s a one night stand/hookup/fling? I know older people sleep with younger people to capture the youth they lost. Personally, I want this relationship to gain the time/life experiences I’ve yet to encounter. And yes, the older person would want to financially abuse the younger person. Yes, there are so many cards stacked against the relationship. So we’re simply not compatible, no matter how hard we try? So we shouldn’t bother forming a relationship? I know it’s delusional, but I consider his “baggage” to be more of an asset than a liability. It adds “character” to the man. Personally, I’d rather look at a yellowing piece of paper with tears and ink stains /mistakes on them than a plain white sheet of paper.

Look, I know I’m crazy, but even I know what Epstein did was sick. 🤢 And on that note, just here to remind you that he didn’t kill himself. In all seriousness, I know you and Anita are head and shoulders over me when it comes to life experiences. I owe a lot to you two. Plus, I can’t wait to find more about myself. Though I know it will be scary, it will be just as exciting. I know trying to “relive” the father-daughter relationship I’ve always wanted is not ideal. What is ideal is “inner core valuing of self, your self love, and spiritual principles.” Then the ideal partner will show up.

Yes, having a broken partner will lead to a broken relationship. But in all honesty, every time you push (i.e. talk against an age gap romance) I keep pulling (i.e. want to be in one even more). But really, I’m just stubborn in nature. I shouldn’t throw your advice out the window. I know you two want me to not make mistakes. Ultimately, the mistakes I make will lie on me. That’s just life, I guess. 🤷‍♀️

Hello Rose of Yellow.

Please take your time with your posts on Tiny Buddha. Your home life should be your #1 priority. On that note, thanks for taking the time out to answer the post. It means a lot. Reading “Codependency for Dummies” right now. It’s EXTREMELY helpful. Actually helped answer a lot of the questions in my head. Can’t wait to read the Melody Beatty book.

What you rattled off the top of your head are the reasons we want validation and control. Trust me, I’m no exception (ha ha). Yes, there are definitely things we can control within our world. But it is most certainly naive to think we can do the same with people and the rest of the world. In a self help book, someone said something like, “fix yourself before you fix the world.” Just trying not to throw stones in my glass house (ha ha). Please don’t feel discouraged. The path to self growth seems so exciting. ☺️

Trying to let go of all of life’s hang ups. So what is this “Serenity Prayer” you mention of? Seems really hippy dippy, in all honesty (ha ha). That’s cool, though. Do pretty much anything to reach “radical acceptance.” My mantra from now on will be: focus on what you can control, not what you can’t. And a friend of Eckart Tolle is a friend of mine (ha ha) 😆. To be honest, anything from him is a gift from the gods. No wonder Oprah loves him so much!

The quote sounds like what every spiritual guru talks about when being “present.” To be honest, being in the “here and now” is one of the most daunting things a person can do! Like everything in life, it’s certainly easier said than done. Still yet to accept that the only thing that can be changed is ourselves. On another topic, that’s awesome CODA’s now doing zoom classes! Do you have to pay/subscribe/sign up to anything?

You have every right to feel hesitant about my “ideal relationship”. Then again, anything considered “ideal” does stem from irrationality and/or delusion. And yes, no partner can be perfect all the time. Maybe I’ve got to lower my expectations? 😂So a fantasy is fine as long as it’s in our heads. So where do we draw the line between fantasy and having standards for a partner? So I’ll have to set aside my “fantasy man” for now and focus on “radical acceptance”. Plus, that’s awesome you’re married to you’re fantasy man! Turns out they do exist. As cliched as it sounds, you really sound like a “match made in heaven.” (Ha ha.) But really, what are “needs” as opposed to “wants” in a relationship? Are they different from “shoulds and musts”? So excited to go on this learning journey. Hopefully it’ll answer the real question in life: what exactly are “needs”?Who would’ve thought the path to a better future started on a Tiny Buddha forum? 😇 Your words mean a lot. We all want you to reach your destination towards self growth.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Suzanne.

Dear anita.

Thank you for opening up about your past experiences. Just hearing about it, you wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Hopefully time has allowed the healing process to be more effective. It feels wrong to be attracted to older men. But it still feels so… irresistible. I can’t help it. It would hurt to be taken advantage of. To feel scars no one can see. Consider it a cautionary tale. And hopefully karma will work its magic on those who harm innocent people.

One step at a time, these “daddy issues” will melt away some day. And we’ll tackle the “real issues” together. (Is it only codependency or is it more than that? 🤷‍♀️)

Suzanne.

Dear anita.

Will sure give it a try. “I would like to be in a relationship with a middle aged man.” This middle aged man will be, well, middle aged. Has to be at least 40. And no older than 60. Preferably my mom’s age or older.

He’ll be the “silver fox.” You know, hair all gray or all white.  He can have the “salt and pepper” look. Can be bald/balding. To be honest, I don’t care. He can be clean shaved/have stubble/have a beard. Not too fussed about it. And I don’t care if he’s wrinkly and/or sagging. To be honest, it’s kind of hot. I’m pretty sure he’ll be taller than me, as most men are. Have to admit, he will look similar to my dad.

He’ll be a gentleman. Someone polite. He doesn’t have to be “useful” around the house. He doesn’t have to be a handyman or be hyper masculine. He’ll be kind, sensitive, understanding. Someone who understands boundaries. Of course, I want him to be able to stand up for me when I’m unable to. To be honest, I’ll treat him like an “emotional crutch.” Kind of like how a child treats a toy. Someone who’ll never talk back. Someone who’ll never disagree with me. Some who’ll never hurt me. Someone I’ll turn to when I feel overwhelmed. And most importantly, he’ll never leave me.

Our relationship will resemble something of a mentor and protégée. He’ll teach me “the ropes” and my job is to overcome them. Whether it is work, life, social, or whatever. He’s stable (both emotionally and financially). He will be my “rock.” And I’ll give him excitement. Bursts of color he’s been missing. Show him how to love again. How to have fun. How to learn new things. But I’m not trying to change him. I will love him no matter what.

And I’m sure you’re wondering about the sex. Of course, it’ll be great. It doesn’t have to be wild. He will teach me how to be better. Someone who knows what he’s doing. He won’t treat me like a “conquest.” Like how most young guys treat young women. He’ll appreciate me. He won’t take for granted being with a much younger partner. We’ll be physically close, even without sex. Lots of warm hugs. Just being close, in general. Dancing together will be a romantic gesture. Looking into his eyes and seeing everything. Being in his arms will feel like I have the power of the entire universe within me. When I’m with him I feel everything, but in a good way. Love, joy, anger, confusion, sadness, disbelief, etc. At the end of the day, I want to feel adored. I want to be admired.

Hello Yellow Rose.

Oh, goodness me. What you mentioned was a real wake up call, for me and my mom. Again, I have no idea what my dad has lost that he needs to control us. When you say say “control is abuse,” it sounds so simple and straightforward. But the more I think about about it, the more confusing it becomes. Don’t want to sound dramatic, but it makes you question your entire existence. If we don’t need control, what do we need? Freedom? Independence? I have to admit, I’ve felt inadequate many times. Not sure if it is because of the control or just self esteem in general. I’ve felt I’ve kept giving and giving. Only to feel more and more inadequate. Now that you mention it, I feel no matter what I do, he’ll still be unsatisfied, for whatever reasons.

Thanks for mentioning the author’s name. Will certainly check out her work. Once everything’s over (🦠🤧🤒😷), might one day to a CODA.

So how do you “find our own emotional equilibrium and wellness?” And how do you know when you’ve achieved it?

It’s fine for you to judge. After all, we’re all judgmental! (Ha ha.) It’s obvious he struggles inside. From what, we don’t know. We still all wish he finds some inner peace. He refuses to see a therapist. And yes, only he can fix himself. Still, we he would open up more. It’s normal to feel shame, guilt, etc. Wished he didn’t have to drink to cope with his issues. Yes, wish he’d join the path towards self improvement like everyone on Tiny Buddha. Still, on the bright side, learned so much from writing a post on this forum. 🙂

Will learn more about Al Anon later on. Currently know they’re aligned with CODA.

You know I want to change, for the better. Like everyone, I want to reach “emotional maturity and emotional wellness”. I have to accept that my parents have chosen their paths in life. Have to stop focusing on them and start focusing on me. Hopefully we’ll reach a “good life” (whatever that looks like). I’ll find someone who’ll be my “equal.” Someone not controlling and someone age appropriate. Of course, don’t love yourself TOO much that you’ll end up self absorbed.

Hi anita,

My dad wouldn’t be considered a “broken man.” I’d really be the one more focused on his flaws than him. I like the idea of “broken men” given the chance to open up and love again.