Hello Hans

This sounds like a very difficult situation, and I’m sorry you suffered through it. I wanted to give you my opinion here because I think as a women who has been through a bit of trauma, but has also dated several men with difficult pasts, I have a perspective on both sides.

1) Her parents divorce most definitely effected her. I believe that you are a product of your past experiences, and each one of them shape and mold you into the person you are today. When I was 15, the puppy-love-of-my-life cheated on me with my cousin. It’s been 8 years now, and it still effects me. I still get a bit nervous when my boyfriends spend a lot of times with female friends. The way I combat this, is simply by communicating. I tell them why I feel the way I do, but it’s never an ultimatum. I dont want them to stop spending time with the people they enjoy being around, I simply want them to understand where my fear is coming from. Your ex sounds like someone who has experienced a traumatic past and hasn’t learned how to cope with it yet. In my experience, my best relationships were with men who could bring this to my attention in a loving way. “I love you and I have chosen you to be with because I’d rather be with you than anyone else. These other people are friends of mine that I enjoy spending time with and I would like you to get to know also”. Take out any of the threat she feels. Let her know she is the most important person. Backing away will only breed more insecurity.

2) I do believe arguments are relatively normal in a relationship. Someone once told me if you never argue with your SO, neither of you are being completely honest with the other. Nobody agrees 100% of the time with another human being. It’s part of what makes you unique. That said, I do believe there is a constructive way to argue in the form of a discussion rather than bickering and fighting. Everyone speaks a different language, and to be able to communicate effectively, you need to learn how your partner best communicates. There are always multiple ways to say the same thing. Find one that works best for you and the person you are with. As for not initiating communication, I never was able to understand why that is a way to react. Fighting among couples is not a matter of who is right or wrong or who starts the conversation. It doesnt matter who starts it. You both want to achieve the same goal of not fighting. Why not just initiate the conversation? You lose nothing that way. Waiting just wastes time for both of you.

3) I dont believe anyone should ever be demeaning. It’s unpleasant for all people involved. However, if she is being demeaning, it likely is coming from another place. It comes from her own insecurities and issues and has nothing to do with you, most of the time. That said, you shouldnt sit back and allow it. You should talk to her about how it makes you feel and make it clear that it is not okay with you.

Anyways, do I think you should feel guilty? No, I dont. Relationships are a lot of work, and every single one is a learning experience. This is one person who didn’t work out. You can reflect, perhaps decide how you will act differently in the future and examine the qualities in this person you liked and disliked to make an even better choice for your future partner.

I hope this helped!

• This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Dina.