Good Morning Susan,

I wanted to start by saying this: you’re not crazy. Your feelings are warranted and very real to you. These are not feelings of a crazy person! These are feelings of someone who is hurt and wants answers.

I read the whole chain, the comments between you and Anita, and I also found myself wondering if there must be something else going on his life. Some other type of crisis he needs to figure out on his own. It doesnt sound like he has only shut down from you, but has also shut down from family and friends. Clearly the breakup is painful for him, but I think there is something else there. Something else he is trying to understand about himself. I would bet anything that he is not entirely sure why he broke up either. He fought for a long time, and I think something must have made him crash. Something in his own life back home. Something you had control over.

I know this next piece of advice is significantly easier said than done, but here are my two cents. I think you need to decide for yourself that this is over. Stop holding out hope that it may work out because he’s not communicating and you will simply be left miserable with a mind swimming of unanswered questions. It may be easier to move forward in life if you make the choice for yourself. It’s possible he will come back later in life with answers, as so many in difficult situations do, but the only way that can happen is with a complete break. In my experience, the tighter you try to hold on to someone who is suffering, the more they push away. I want to give you an example of my own life.

I once dated someone who I was madly in love with. We were so compatible and everything seemed wonderful, but all of a sudden one day he changed. He became distant and accusatory. I had no idea what had changed in his life, and he was too proud to admit it to me. All I knew is that he was treating me differently, out of the blue, for reasons I could not understand. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, he accused me of cheating on him, and shortly after broke up with me. He then told me he was too depressed about circumstances in his own life to bring pleasure to another person. I was heart-broken, upset, and could not understand why he wouldnt let me work through this with him. So, I left him alone. After some time he came back and asked for a second chance.

My point here is not that he came back, but that the break happened over something that was not in my control. The point is, sometimes you just have to let people figure it out. Yes, he told you a piece of it was your controlling nature, but this had been happening since the beginning, and he decided it bothered him at a very strange time: right as things were about to finally move forward. My hypothesis is that there is some kind of commitment issue there. Some fear of the relationship becoming a huge scary reality.

I hope this helps. I know how hard these things can be and I’m rooting for you 🙂

Hi Again Adam,

How do I get over what he’s done in the past? Honestly I think the only reason I tend to hold onto things is when I’m unsatisfied with the answers I’ve been given. So generally, I tend to ask questions and discuss something until I am comoletely satisfied with my understanding. Past that, you just have to recognize that holding grudges hurts noone as much as it hurts you. Being angry at someone takes a lot of energy that can be spent elsewhere. I know, easier said than done, but by looking at things through that perspective, I’ve been able to let things go much easier because I think to myself “noone should have this big of an impact on me but myself!” 🙂

I think you are calmer without her because you able to put the discomfort out of your mind and not face it. When she is with you, you remember how much you love her, but then you again faced with the past. I really, truly believe you need to learn to let go. It’s very difficult to do, but it will help you in all your relationships (friends, family, etc). If someone does something despicable that you simply cannot forgive (like cheating or intentionally hurting you), then I can understand not wanting them in your life. However if they have apologized already and you care for them, best to let it go and move forward. If you cant move forward, there is no way the relationship will be able to grow. So ask yourself, can you let this go? Is she worth that to you?

Hey dfh,

I understand your plight and sympathize. It sounds like a very difficult situation. I know what it can be like to not have friends (I moved to a city recently). However, I think thats why its even more important for you not to date this person. Not only has she told you she is not ready to date, but dating her would leave you without friends. Perhaps she has called you less because she is concerned you are not willing to be just friends, and are not giving up on the relationship aspect. She may very well like you, but being a 25 year old working single mother is hard, and I actually applaud her for recognizing it is not the time in her life to date. She is not in the same place as you are. You want stability and a wife and kids and a family. She is trying to support her child and become a stable mother on her own. Bringing someone else in is too difficult right now and you should respect that.

If you truly want her friendship, I would suggest calling her and telling her that you are 100% happy with the friendship and would like things to go back to the way they were. Then, you need to join meetups, sports, pretty much any kind of social activity you enjoy. Age group doesnt matter. Just get yourself active and social. I think you need some social stability in your life before you can even consider a relationship. And who knows, the more people you become friends with who do activities you enjoy, the more likely it will be to find like-minded potential women to date 🙂

Hm. I dont believe she is trying to hurt you, but I come from an interesting background so I’ll explain why I feel this way.

I was brought up in a family where omitting any detail of my life was considered “lying”, so in my relationships, I am very honest about all of my interactions. It’s never to hurt someone, it’s more because I want them to know what I’m doing and that they can trust I will always tell them what’s going on. In my mind, this would give them absolutely no reason to doubt me or the relationship.

I think work friendships are pretty common. Work days can be long and boring. You said yourself that this guy was a good friend of yours, so you can understand why she might enjoy his company. This doesnt mean she has any romantic feelings for him. She just happens to spend a lot of time with him because he makes the work day go by faster and because he works with her.

The game, to me, just sounds like something she was doing to pass time. She instigated it because it was fun and work can be boring. Nothing more to it than that. The fact that she told you about it in my eyes is not that shes trying to make you jealous, but that she is trying to tell you about her day and the little things that made it fun for her. I dont believe you ever mentioned that you asked her to stop telling you about her interactions with him. If they bothered you so much, that could have been an option. But I dont think it’s fair to hold it against her. She didnt cheat on you. A lot of this is internal anxieties (which i can relate to as I have them often in my relationships too, even when my partner is undeserving).

As for the beginning when she used to use a guy against you…I think she was trying to make you jealous likely because she was insecure in the relationship. In my experience, other people tend to talk about someone else when they want their partner to fight for them. They want their partner to reassure them that there is no one else.

This is just one perspective though. I’m sure there are many! Best way to find out is just to talk to her bluntly. Tell her when she brings other guys into the relationship as a threat, it hurts you.

I hope this works for you. Relationship troubles can be very consuming and hard. You will get through this!