Hi Greengiant,

Thank you for sharing your struggle. I hear you and understand what this must be like for you right now.

If I may offer you my two cents worth, in the best of faith, it would be this:

Human beings are relational beings. When we say we don’t want relationships, what we are often saying is that we can’t handle relationships or don’t know how to be in one. On face value, I would agree with you about she doesn’t want the commitment and perhaps feels vulnerable with making such a commitment. That’s fair enough and her entitlement.

With regard to the walls she quite clearly puts up, you cannot bring those down. This is not possible, nor is it your responsibility or obligation. Only she can do this. Your pursuit of her may actually build those walls higher when she’s pushed.

At the end of the day, there is two people in any relationship and this equal’s 100%. You can ever only be responsible for your 50% and never hers.

Now here’s the light at the end of the tunnel! HOW you take care of your 50% will make or break any relationship you either seek or wish to nourish. Take a look at how you are showing up for yourself. What sort of messages are you telling yourself? How do you actually see yourself? What walls do you have, and why?

These sorts of questions are the beginning to discovering what your 50% looks like. Then, and only then, can you decide how you’d like to be. This is either going to be attractive to her or not. However, by making decisions for yourself and your relationships per se you can then begin to change how you are outwardly to others.

Obviously I am skimming the surface here and I’m going on what you’ve offered, but I hope it helps somewhat.

Best of luck!

Matt.
http://www.seedslifecoaching.com/

Hello Lisa,

Thank you for sharing this common, but crippling problem. I think we’ve all probably been there at one point or another. One part of your original post intrigued me. It was this question you posed yourself; Am I seriously just meant to be a secretary all of my life and live with a mediocre salary??

First, look at yourself in the mirror and answer that question. Yes or no? Then take a look at what you see when you say that. Do you see conviction, fear etc. Depending on your answer and what you see, that will give you an insight into what’s going on at a deeper level. I’m guessing you possibly know this already, but if not, awareness of something deep down is valuable.

Next, think about the question itself. How you see your job, yourself and your salary could be part of the issue. Look at the language you use in everyday life. The words that come out of our mouth are simply a projection of our thoughts, mindset and perception.

Once you are aware of those words, change them. For instance, replace the word ‘but’ with ‘and’. Choose other words you say frequently to yourself and change them with something else. Think about the language you use and why you use it?

I hope these little tips help in some way.

I wish you well and much warmth,

Matt.

Hi Jess,

WOW! I admire your courage for sharing this. I also want to say how sorry I am for the pain you must be feeling right now.

First, I would like to offer you some insight into how we, as human beings, often deal with our feelings. When things are troubling us or we are struggling with our thoughts, our natural inclination is to try and avoid them or suppress them in the hope they will ‘go away’ or that we’ll perhaps figure it out ourselves.

The reason for this is two things; fear and vulnerability. We fear the consequence of what will happen when we face our thoughts and feelings. We are vulnerable when reaching out and asking for help or sharing what we feel.

It may have been that he was thinking and feeling something that he was scared to share with you, for fear of rejection, hurting you or hurting himself. There is a multitude of things we fear in this situation.

We are scared to feel our feelings because it’s painful, so we suppress them thinking that will help. Unfortunately, it dosen’t. All it does is make us angry, snappy, depressed and/or sad. This is what seems to be happening here.

We think that by not acknowledging our feelings we can move on from them, but we cant.

The first step here is to ask your partner what he’s really feeling? What has he been feeling? What is he scared of? What thoughts has he been having? Try to give him a safe and non-judgmental space for him to share these thoughts, no matter what.

The urge and inclination will be for you to get angry, feel ashamed, feel at fault etc. He might want to blame you, blame himself and/or get angry also. In short, this dialogue will not be pretty or easy, but it is absolutely necessary!

This is just the starting point to working through this situation and it will take a lot of time and commitment on both your parts, which is another reason why people walk away. They can’t cope with that.

I know I cannot advise you specifically and give you a solution, because that’s something you’ve got figure out. However, I hope my insights at least help.

I wish you much warmth and love. I hope you both find peace at some point soon.

Matt.

“Mental fight means thinking against the current, not with it. It is our business to puncture gas bags and discover the seeds of truth.” – Virginia Woolf

Hi Ladybird,

A very eloquent post! Thank you for sharing.

With regard to your attitude, both your attitudes are valid because they are your own realities right now, or at least what you perceive them to be. Neither attitude is right or wrong, they just ARE. That could be your starting point.

Let’s face it, life is hard at times and relationships especially. You seem to both have different value and belief systems and this is what is driving your thoughts and perceptions.

You are both very young and do indeed have plenty of time, in my opinion. There is a saying about your 20’s is like getting ready for the party, your 30’s is all about buying the drinks, and your 40’s is about picking up the tab! Think about that.

What’s the party you both want to go to? For you, it seems you live in the present more frequently, which is absolutely fine. The present is the only place we know, the only place we have control of and the only place we live. The past is gone, the future largely unknown.

Take everything off the table – apart from your relationship. What actually is it? How does it work? Does it work? How did you get together? Whats your relationship with yourselves (and that applies to both you)? What do you want out of life? What are your values and what can’t you compromise on? What can you let go of? What can’t you let go of?

These are just some questions you can ask yourselves and each other. Try to talk it through in a calm, considered way. And last of all, what’s the rush?

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Matt.

Hi Erin,

Yes, of course it can.

However, it requires a few things to happen because often these behaviors are quite deep rooted.

First, it will need to person doing the ‘putting down’ to do some personal work outside of the relationship. They need to look inward and find out whats underneath the put downs, or in other words, discover the reason, trauma, thoughts and/or triggers that cause them to behave that way.

Second, it requires the other person receiving the put downs to explore why they continue to receive these, how it makes them feel, how they respond, why they respond this way and whats causing these responses.

Finally, it requires the couple to come together at some point and address what they’ve discovered, recognize how they’ve been communicating and commit to a new path forward together.

These three things are quite large and will require an investment of both unyielding commitment and time. There will be slip ups, backward steps and struggle. However, it can be done.

The first question to ask themselves is; do we both want to REALLY do this? Its a big question, and if the answer is no, then it may be time to step away.

Best of luck!

Matt.

Hello Trixie,

I read your post with curiosity. I hear your pain and empathize how that must feel.

I would ask you these questions;

What do you want to accept?
What CAN you accept right now?
How big is the gap between what you want to accept, and what you can accept?
What does that gap look like?
What CAN’T you accept right now?
(In follow up to the above) Why can’t you accept this?
What needs to change for you to accept?
Apart from acceptance, what else is missing for you right now?

Although difficult, looking into ourselves in times of struggle can help. It’s a process. Do the work and be patient. Discover whats really important.

Another good technique to help gather a wider perspective of your challenge right now is to look at it from above. If you were in a helicopter looking down at you, your struggle and the people around you, what would you see? Whats going on around you? What are you doing to influence that environment? Whats contolling or influencing you? What would you like this aerial view to look like?

I sincerely wish you well in navigating a path to healing. You deserve a chance to move forward and grow. I hope this helps a little.

With warmth and love,

Matt.