I wish I could be that optimistic, strong, ambitious, happy type of person that my friends and family could admire… but I guess I’m not. I feel like a rock that’s been crushed down to a small, pathetic pebble.

Hello. I’m writing this because I am going through a hard time too myself, even though the circumstances are different. Anyway, I’d like to refer to the fragment where you talk about strength. That’s the idea I try to re-define in my life too, so my words may sound empty a bit, but I’ll share it with you anyways.

(TL;DR: You’re strong when you feel weak, but still do what you want to / have to do)

I tend to idealize the image of myself. I divide it to “perfect me” and “real me”. Perfect me is… well, obviously perfect. 🙂 It’s strong, it’s hopeful, it’s full of optimism and hope. And then I look at me and I see this miserable, self-loathing bastard. And guess what. I loathe myself even more. What I have to understand (and you probably too) is that “strength” concept is imaginary. It doesn’t come naturally. And actually strength shows up when you feel like you couldn’t been weaker. But the most important part about it is that you are not strong when you go through life, defeating all the obstacles that get in your way with ease. You will not feel pleasant and happy and content while fighting your fears and inner barriers. I wish it was that way but it’s not. It’s just a wishful thinking. The real strength shows up when you do all you have to do, struggle with all that’s painful to you DESPITE OF lack of energy and faith. Do you know how many times I don’t feel like doing anything? And how often I actually DO NOT do anything? But I’ve noticed that what works for me is to say to myself “get your damn butt off that bed and do something”. And slowly, gradually I gain energy and motivation. When you talk about isolation… Trust me, I know how comfortable “comfort zones” can be and how hard it is to convince one’s self to get out of it. All you want to do is to run away and hide somewhere safe. And be left alone. However staying inside it is the worst thing you can do. Not worst, because >I< say it or someone says it, or it’s some mythical general rule. It’s bad to you.

And you are important. Valuable. And I think very, very hopeful deep down inside. It’s just that at this moment, life is more you can stand. And it’s fine! Really, it is! Nobody has a “good time” all the time. Just remember that this particular, painful situation will NOT last forever. Nothing does. And I don’t know what’s the point in your pain, but I promise you, one day you’ll look at who you are now and you’ll know what was that point. That’s how it always is.

If I was wrong at any point, I apologize. My thoughts and my conclusion don’t have to be right in your case after all. I just hope you don’t hate me right now, after reading this. 😀 Even though I’m at another side of the cable, I wish you all the best. It sounds (totally!) cliche, but I will say it anyways:

I’m sure everything will be alright.

Best regards,
Sebby