Edit…I thought you deleted your thread “a message for meliss” but you didn’t.  It was a mistake.  I apologize for saying you did when you didn’t.

m

Hi anita,

Re: you feeling pressured

Please understand, I do not want to exchange emails with you.  I revisited the dialogues to see what I did and I posted them below so I could learn from them(and you could see clearly what I did) because I didn’t remember insisting on anything.  I apologized because I didn’t want you to be upset and I thought I must have pressured you… but I am not the kind of person who insists on things, so I wanted to revisit for the purpose of understanding, not for changing your mind.

You said:  it was you who initiated the idea of exchanging emails and insisted on it.  You also said in your previous thread, Being pressured to exchange emails with you, (2) Giving in to your pressure, (3) followed by 6 days of technical (and whatever other) problems with the email exchange, (4) The Lose-Lose aspect of this: you felt nervous and uncomfortable after you got what you wanted — has resulted in me feeling stupid and quite angry for having given in to your pressure.

-has resulted in me feeling stupid and quite angry for having given in to your pressure.– It must have been really uncomfortable for you feeling like I was playing games, maybe?  I don’t  think you have anything to feel stupid about.  You were trying to respond to me and work with me, and it did not work out how you or I would have hoped.  I wish your anger was directed at Hotmail and not me (but coupled with my curt responses on Monday, I guess it did feel like I was taking you for a roller coaster ride? Playing hot and cold?) .

To be honest, I felt angry too because you just shut it down, not even wanting to hear anything I might have had to say on the subject. You said you won’t respond to emails, your thread is closed cause you don’t want to respond to it anymore and basically you were done with the whole email thing(which is fine)—and all because I said I was nervous. All my worry and struggle when I hadn’t heard from you that week,  all the work I put it, and was putting it even as you posted (googling how to fix Hotmail issues and then trying to type it so you could understand-i even created a alternate email in my yahoo account) didn’t matter one bit.-I am not angry anymore but we did say that we should tell the other if they did something to hurt(I assume anger is included).  You told me why you were angry and I’m telling you why I was…

This was the dialogue we had about emails. I printed the thread. I wanted to see how I was pressuring you so I typed it here.

Me:  “I tend to be private.  After the initial burst of energy, it does feel uncomfortable talking about deeply personal stuff on an open forum.  On the site I mentioned where the lady had given me advice, each member had their own personal inbox and we could communicate outside the forums  if we wanted to do so without giving out any personal info.”

Anita;  I exchanged email information with 6 or 7 tiny Buddha members over the years, talked on the phone several times with two members, but overall, the communication with each and every member was way more productive on this public forum than it was privately.  And so I learned my lesson

Me:  Point taken.  I didn’t think you would have exchanged e-mails with me although I hoped we would long before I posted on this site.  (I’ve read on Tiny Buddha for awhile).  My thought was that I had the privilege of knowing you are a decent person just from reading your posts but you knew nothing about me, so I didn’t think it would be fair to ask, after all, I could be anyone.  I see you know what works for you by way of communication and I get it.  As for the phone, I rarely talk on the phone.  I see how that would be uncomfortable.  Writing is so much easier.

Anita: Again thank you!  I am having a bigger smile reading the decent person part.  I didn’t know anything about you before, it is exciting to get to know you!  It is possible that in the future we will both believe that it is a good idea to exchange emails.  Also, like you, I much prefer writing and avoid the phone.

Me: I like that there is a possibility.  I hate posting personal things on a forum.

Anita:  I felt recently that I want to exchange emails with you, being that I feel closer to you, two things get in the way of this ….(I simplified, long exchange)1) slow forums 2)you explained some of what happened with other members you emailed.

On January 5^th

Anita: Please respond to any part of my posts whenever you feel like responding, there is no requirement in my mind, that you respond to everything I write in a timely fashion.  You can go back to any part of any post at any time and respond when it suits you.

Me: I appreciate that you take the time to respond…I was trying to give the same courtesy… Plus, I wanted a pen pal so I guess I am treating our interaction like one

Anita:  You have me as a pen pal.  I still prefer to communicate here but I am so tempted to offer you to be my penpals via email if it would make you feel better….

Me:  You have me as a penpal(anita)-This means something to me .  So simple but not really.I really hope you would but I respect your wishes.  I just don’t understand why it’s less likely to be productive if we are the same people (here and on email)…

At this point we talked about your interaction with the lady who wouldn’t leave her abusive situation, courage, emails are too personal, etc., (I skimmed this part)

Anita:  Here is what I can offer you in case the website shuts down and we can no longer access each other…(here you said you would take my email and only use it if the site closes down).

Me:  No, thank you.  I’ve accepted we won’t be emailing and the site isn’t going anywhere…not emailing is best. (For me it went from a possibility to a no, so why give my email just in case the site shuts down?).

Anita:  okay.  Thank you for being open and upfront me and for your appreciation.  I am a bit sad though…

This is when I wrote a whole email asking you to reconsider and addressing some of the above points including previous people you emailed and how I would be different (this was where I pressured you, I think) –  At the end of the post, I said,

Me: “If you decide your answer is still a forever no, I understand.  You have to do what’s right for you based on your experiences.  As I said, I won’t bring it up again, I just think I owed it to myself to try…Thank you for reading”

Anita:  …If you are saying you do want to exchange emails with me after all, that you want to leave this public forum and communicate with me privately, on email, then I say okay it’s fine with me (you did say you were really tired, so maybe that influenced your decision-that doesn’t mean I didn’t pressure you in that last post).

I honestly expected you to say no…

Then we exchanged emails…and all the drama started with my blocked email.

You see, I thought we were dialoguing.   However, I can see that I did not respect your boundary when I asked you to reconsider way at the end.  Because we were talking about it, and you expressed sadness at saying goodbye, I thought I could change your mind. Before that, I kept saying…okay, I get it in one way or the other.  It reads to me like you kind of wanted to exchange emails too-at least a little. Anyway, I’m sorry for making you feel any kind of pressure.  I hate that I did and I hate how it all turned out.  But it’s likely for the best.

 m

hi anita,

First, I hear you that you do not want to email anymore and I respect your boundary.  It was never my intent to make you feel pressured.  At one time, you said “there was a possibility of us both agreeing that it would be a good idea to exchange emails in the future,(pretty exact quote)” I replied, “I like that there is a possibility.” I was ready to let it go.  Then you said, “…but I am tempted to offer you to be my pen pals by email if it would make you feel better long-term…” You then shared a couple of experiences you had and reasons why you thought it would turn out poorly.  I thought you wanted to email me but had reservations.  That’s when I actively tried to show you that our email exchange didn’t have to be like the ones you experienced before.  I certainly did not mean to pressure you and I am so sorry you felt pressured.  It really was not my intention.  I repeatedly said I would respect your no but I guess that did not come across?  Either way, I am sincerely sorry I pressured you.

On Projection:

One of these times is a week ago, when you panicked about the idea that I will hack your email account even though (1) I repeatedly told you that my computer skills are very poor, and (2) it was you who initiated the idea of exchanging emails and insisted on it. – How do I explain this?  I did not think that you would hack my email account.  After you shared your email address with me, I felt anxious in my body.  The experience reminded me of a situation a few years back when I actually was hacked (It wasn’t me being paranoid; I actually had strangers come up to me on the street telling me they saw this or that about me online). It was a very difficult time for me.  So, I had an anxious reaction.  It’s like if someone was raped.  Years later, in a romantic situation, they may be with a good man, however their body might have anxious feelings even if they know the person before them is good.  I knew you wouldn’t hack my email.  I was just reminded of a situation and that made me tense. I recognized it. I took steps to calm my emotions and continued with the action of sending you an email because I did think you were trustworthy in this way. I gave you my real email addresses(If I thought you were untrustworthy or going to hack me, I would’ve created an email just for you or not wanted to email you at all). I hope that makes sense.  I honestly thought that once we got past my blocked email, everything would be fine.

I think this is hard because when I share something…I feel you put me in a box…You’ve already decided that I’m paranoid?

Cold?  Was I?  Did you experience me as cold?  I ask because one of the things that I do is to speculate as to why someone may be mad at me(or why you hadn’t responded to me) and I offer excuses before the person tells me there is a problem.  When I didn’t hear from you, I started to worry.  I wondered if you did feel pressured (before I even read you last post in your thread), I wondered if I was cold and tried to explain.  It’s just like when I explained my “god serendipity” moments.  I was explaining why I wouldn’t push my beliefs on you even though you never once said you were offended.  You see _ I didn’t know why I didn’t hear from you so I was covering my bases.  I think you focused on the “cold” example because it fits your views about me.

Your biggest problem in relating to me would’ve been me thinking I offended you in some way and apologizing or explaining things that you might not have even been thinking about. I worry I offend others a lot (I think with time that goes away when I see a person isn’t easily offended-like one person I know for years-one of the people I mentioned in earlier posts- I don’t really worry about offending her, as over time I saw she’ll tell me if I did something and when I did address things(politely not angrily), she’ll say no that’s not what I’m thinking.  So I don’t have that worry-based reaction with her.  Seeing a person’s consistency over time makes me less nervous about accidentally offending, etc.  I’m just getting to know you…)

I have to learn conversation is a two-way street.  Ask the questions and wait for a reply.  I just try to explain myself too much, before it’s necessary.

 I will be patient with you. I want you to share with me more about your inner world, but I am aware that you feel unsafe about doing it in any context: public forums, private emails… and in any other context. Even if you and I were alone in a room. – You don’t understand what I mean.  I feel anxious because I am stepping out of my comfort zone.  It’s not about whether you or anyone is trustworthy in this instance, it’s about me communicating in a way I haven’t before.   My mouth will get dry, I’ll get butterflies, I’ll be nervous.  I’ll worry about your response, I’ll worry if you’ll get it.  Not psychological diagnosis nervous, not paranoid, just growing pains.  Does that make sense?  It’s not about me feeling unsafe as if I’m in danger.  It’s just I would have been communicating my inner world, my possibly traumatic past with you, of course I’m nervous.  I chose you because I’d seen you in the forums so I was willing to take the risk(it’s  always a risk communicating with someone because you can’t know fully what will happen) Based on what I saw, I was thinking that the risk was worth it and there was a high probability that communicating with you would benefit me in the long run.  But the nervous feeling, it’s more of a growing, stretching, stepping out of your comfort zone, kind of feeling: I think it’s normal and natural.  I don’t think I crossed the line into paranoia yet.

So yes, if you and I were alone in a room communicating,(or emailing or whatever) I would feel nervous at first, because I’d be learning about you, because of what I had hoped to share with you about and to get your feedback about, and because I would have been choosing growth. With time and consistency, I am sure that the nervous feeling would go away. What I mean is growing is never comfortable at first.

And I feel nervous about lots of things, things most people probably don’t even blink at, but it’s me. What can I say?  I do try not to make it a problem for other people if I have to interact with them.

 “I was really hurt when I thought you were blocking me so that must mean something, right?” what may it mean?  I think I might have meant I was invested in our interaction.  On my end, I had no idea what happened.  We had just confirmed that you got an email and then silence. I tried to send and email and ask if something was wrong—which would have been the healthy things to do(the name of the email was ‘are you angry at me?”).  No response. I sent posts that Tiny Buddha blocked(I wondered if you thought I was a hacker because you felt pressured and you told TB about me…I think one day it’ll be funny).

I was so sad.  I felt bad that you didn’t write to me and I felt worse that I might have done something to really offend or hurt you…and I couldn’t reach you.  The last email I sent this morning (the one that disappeared)said I was sorry for whatever I did and that I hope you’ll be able to forgive me…I said I wish you would have told me you didn’t want to write anymore instead of just throwing me away, that I would have respected your decision(at this point I didn’t know you weren’t getting my communication and I thought I must have done something really wrong-not that you did something wrong, and I was upset at myself).  I said goodbye and that I wished you well and continued healing.

I worked really hard to fix the situation even up to right before your post this morning…so yeah, I was invested.

 Anyway, I won’t forget when you told me that the lady who told me F’s words to me were only words was wrong.  That meant something to me.

m

Rewriting above post because it looks weird

It’s funny but, just as you were writing me you don’t want to do it anymore, I was writing instructions to deal with the situation(I was thinking about it all night because I do want to communicate via email).  I was thinking about it last night.  If you would’ve waited a few minutes, you would have seen me working on the problem.  I understand this is frustrating but…I will copy paste the email I sent on Tuesday to you, so you know that it really is just techinical difficulties not my hesitation.

Email below

On Tuesday, January 11, 2022, 8:43 PM, M. S. wrote:

Hi Anita,

I’ve been kind of waiting for your response to my last post. Not hearing from you got me thinking, and now I feel I may have done something to make you not want to write to me anymore. I guess I got used to the way we communicated on Tiny Buddha so I’m …I don’t know. I will address each thing I think I did to change the course of our interaction.

1.) I think maybe you read in my last post where I said I wanted to communicate weekly. Maybe that’s why you haven’t responded yet. I actually miss hearing from you regularly (which is uncomfortable for me…that emotion). In my post, I was trying to be responsible. I didn’t want you to think I would use writing to you as an excuse not to handle responsibilities (dealing with F). Anyway, I like when you respond to me and let me know when you intend to respond. I like writing to you too. In my post, I was thinking ahead and I wanted you to know that I could commit to writing at least once a week no matter what the circumstances as to reassure you that I wouldn’t disappear or stop writing. I worried too about how I would manage my time and emotions as I think we would write about deep stuff -meaning there would be times I wouldn’t be able to write as often as I would like, but I would be committed to our interaction. I also wanted you to know I wouldn’t pressure you to write to me…I hope that makes sense. I was dealing with a problem that hadn’t happened yet.

but I still want to stay in the supportive(?) context we had…So, I hope we can continue writing like before

2.) When we communicated on Monday regarding the whole process of switching to email, I was responding via my phone and I was at work, so my responses on Tiny Buddha were kind of curt. So, I may have given the impression that I wasn’t too excited about communicating via email anymore…which wasn’t the case. I’ll explain below.

I didn’t think that you would say yes to my email request. I really thought you had made up your mind that you would only email me if Tiny Buddha shut down. After you said yes, I was really happy and then I had a panic/fear based reaction. It came out of nowhere. I was just so scared. I think I was fearful of what I did…(I had a scary situation with someone I once wrote to that turned into a hacker situation and all of that came up and I panicked).

I did reread our posts(I printed them all out) and then I realized you’ve been nothing but thoughtful to me and I calmed down. If I came across, cold maybe, that was why. Also, I’m not used to communicating with people so openly. I’ve been more open to you about my inner world than anyone. Even though I haven’t share a lot I guess, for me it’s a lot. A part of me feels its best to stay guarded.  Exchanging emails isn’t being guarded, hence the panic, which just happened out of nowhere.

If you’re just busy and haven’t gotten to me yet. I understand. There are a lot of people on TB with big problems. Maybe it’s not as easy for you to respond the same way in email? Either way, I can be patient and wait until you have time. However, if it’s because of me, I didn’t mean to communicate disinterest in continued communication.

You said, “Good thing, I am glad, I feel good about it!!!” I didn’t know I would feel good about it but I do,” I was happy that you felt good about it but my fear was a little stronger when first I read those words. I now want you to know that I liked that you felt good about communicating with me. It was nice to read as (outside of my fear), I was happy that someone whom I really respect wanted to write to me.

I guess I think people can only like me for a little while or if they don’t know me well and my panic was about that too.

I’ve been feeling a little bad about this.

I wanted us to write for a long time….I imagined asking you advice about life stuff.

But if you don’t want to write to me anymore, please let me know.

PS. If you’re worried about all the God talk in my previous post, I don’t push my beliefs on others and I definitely wouldn’t do that to you. I just shared because you asked(as He’s a part of all of my serendipity moments). No, you blocking my email was not my kind of serendipity. I wondered if you unconsciously didn’t want to write to me, if it was a sign. I decided, however, that I was reading into it. But when you’re scared, everything is possible.

It could be too, that I am just overreacting and anxious until I find out how to communicate with you here.

I hope you’ve been sleeping better and you got your truck fixed. What helps when I can’t sleep is a “sounds of nature” app on my phone. I listen to waves and whale sounds. If you want to know more, please let me know.

Please be patient with me.

m

This was what I wrote in the beginning when I thought you were angry at me.

Do you still not want to try communicating via email?  I was really hurt when I thought you were blocking me so that must mean something, right?

I’m interested in your thoughts.