Hey @anita,

The last couple of weeks were really hectic for me as I started working on a completely new project. Thank you so much for being understanding.

The experience you shared resonated with me very much. I am also very sensitive to how I am being treated, so much so that my mental peace is disturbed regularly as well as relationships with people around me. I always feel that others are not being just with me and I try to passively respond to that. It is true that I often go overboard for many people and their actions fall short of mine but then my behavior is capricious due to which others probably don’t feel secure. I feel that it is my insecurity in friendships and fear of confrontations which causes my fluctuating behavior.

Therefore, I think I am doing the same thing of thinking inward so much that I am not able to accept people with their flaws.  On more introspection, I found that I have accepted many people in my life who have their eccentricities and were a source of annoyance for me initially but as time went by they accepted my flaws and me theirs. In all such cases, probably the other person accepted me first and I probably reciprocated the same. On the other hand, many people drifted apart as we could not accept each other. What do you think about this? How can I improve my behavior?

Can you please share what was your journey in being more accepting?

Just a parting thought, I feel a great deal of gratitude towards you for listening to me patiently. Again, thanks to you, I am able to identify with the feeling of selflessness and gratitude.

Hey @Ravi,

Thanks a lot for sharing your thoughts. As you suggested, I took one of the introversion/extroversion tests and it gave me the following results –

“According to your results you appear to be the type of person who doesn’t socialize very often. You likely have a limited social network, and possibly aren’t really interested in extending it beyond a few close and intimate friendships. Having an active social life doesn’t appear to be an important thing to you. Chances are that when the opportunity arises to socialize among a large group of people, you’ll most likely turn it down if possible. This doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t enjoy socializing or being around people. Rather, you tend to prefer spending time with smaller groups of friends. Individuals who score similarly to you typically aren’t conversation-starters, especially with people they aren’t familiar with. In addition, they aren’t known to be exceptionally outgoing, unless among close friends.”

On reflection, this is almost entirely true. I do have a limited circle of friends and an even limited circle in which I can share my thoughts without hesitation. I have observed that If I am not afraid of losing the other person’s friendship then I am more of myself and do not let them trod on my self-esteem. I can have somewhat difficult conversations with them. But that is not the case when I am too afraid of being left alone. What do you think about that?

Cheers

Hey @anita,

My hesitation to share personal stuff usually happens with newer friendships which I have developed in the last couple of years. Perhaps it is because of the difference in our thought processes. They are more chilled out and I am not that easygoing. In fact in all such friendships, I believe that there is not much future. 10 years down the line, we would probably be busy in our lives and won’t have time to be playing video games regularly or going out drinking every Friday night.

However, the people I wrote about on 19th May are those with whom I have shared my lows and highs. I am comfortable with these people to share my thoughts and feelings. Similarly these people are also comfortable sharing personal stuff. It’s just that I am not amongst the primary friends with whom they would share their hard times.

Regarding being a priority with my family, I feel that they care a lot for me. They always accommodate to my schedule and remember small details about me. I also care a lot for them. However, I cannot share all the things with them because of the generation gap and the fact that they would be derailed by my situations and there won’t be much that they can help with.

Anita, Can you please help answer a question of mine? I always wonder how can I mentally brace myself to stop feeling hurt when I see my friends making an effort for their other friends but not me. It’s not that they don’t make any efforts for me but just that I care a lot more about them than they do about me. I know that I shouldn’t have expectations is friendships but can a person go about without having any expectations from anyone?

I care about these people so much that I can never hold anything against them despite feeling hurt for anything intensionally/unintentionally they do.

SearchForSelfPeace

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a nice answer. I really wish that this world has many more caring people like you.

I was dumbfounded after reading your analysis as it resonated very deeply within me. Your observation that I have low self-esteem is on the point and that is something which I have been aware of for some time. When I came to the US, one of my key objectives was to become more assertive and not be a pushover. However, I could never navigate the thin line between being assertive and overcompensating it to become over-aggressive. For example, with my flatmates, Initially, I tried to reason with them but it soon became a big argument/fight and I lost my temper. In reality, I hate confrontation with anyone. Perhaps that is really the reason for my lack of clarity on most aspects of my life. I get swayed easily just to please others.

I am not sure about how to develop better self-esteem. I always feel the need for validation of my actions to ensure that I acted in my better interest and the argument was necessary. For example, currently, with my flatmates, I try to avoid as many arguments as possible, even if that requires additional work on my end. The reason is that, after 3-4 months, we all will graduate and would go on to work in different companies. From my past experience, I feel that they would not matter at all after at max a year or so. Therefore, it would be counter-productive for me to fight with them over small things which might help me take a stand but would hamper my mental peace for now (Though a certain resentment builds up due to all this). What do you think about this?

There is one more thing about the boundaries of self-esteem. What exactly is the boundary of self-esteem? For example, I might consider cooking regularly for a “friend” who is not well-versed in that area but tries to help me out in different ways. Would that be reasonable given that I would probably put in much more effort than him? I always thought that to be fair and therefore can go out on a limb if I consider someone my friend (I don’t know but I consider others as my friend much before than they reciprocate which causes hurt expectations sometimes.).

I was really looking forward to the group counseling sessions but they got canceled for this semester due to the COVID-19 outbreak. On a side note, please be careful and safe regarding this.

I am often insecure about various decisions that I have taken. What actions would you suggest for me to become self-confident?

Cheers

Hi Anita,

Around six months ago, we had just started our school in the US and it was a cultural shift for us. For example, one needs to cook and clean his own utensils every time. Back in my country, domestic help is very cheap. Additionally, cleaning the house and getting the household/grocery items needs to be taken care of by yourself.

So, initially, when we arrived things were fine as I wanted to adjust with my flatmates. I cooked for all three of us and cleaned the dirty dishes as well. But after some time, when coursework pressure started building, it became annoying for me to handle all the chores along with my studies. There were times when I cooked a meal for all three of us and then stored it. Later when I checked the fridge, the meal had been finished by my flatmates and the dirty dishes were in the sink. This made me livid but I didn’t react to this as well. I tried to passively handle the situation and I thought that my flatmates would show some maturity and things might settle down. So, one day while I was with one of my flatmates, some discussion broke out between us and I remarked that we need to distribute the cleaning of cooking utensils among all of us as it becomes difficult for one to handle cooking and cleaning of dishes for three people. The third flatmate only consumed the food and never went to buy any groceries or cooked the food or cleaned the dishes. Now, in the evening, this flatmate mentioned this to the third flatmate who became livid and started bashing me. Whenever I become angry, I usually overcompensate for that and the arguments are more like fights. This happened that day and it was decided that everyone among us would cook and clean after themselves.

Now, things have been really weird between us many times. For example, If he is cooking anything then he would ask the other flatmate (who is more of an opportunistic) if he wants to eat but would not ask me even if I am in the same room. I would reciprocate similarly.

Once, I told him to clean his dishes and even though he didn’t say anything to me, he cleaned up all the dishes of everyone. That was not out of altruism or care but out of anger(might be).

Then, we usually buy a particular variety of frozen pancakes and that has been discussed as well between us. Almost 95% of the time, I go out and buy household stuff from toilet paper to groceries. That time I didn’t replenish the pancakes when we ran out of them. Now, he went out and bought a variety which I particularly hate. Though this might not have been done out of spite, I could not prevent myself from overthinking.

I am not looking for any special concessions but just some empathy. I want to be in an atmosphere where If I need something then my flatmates/friends can help me out and that I can reciprocate the same to them.

For your third question, he said in a pitiful voice that I have to do all the stuff and I should be helped by others. But then helping in mandatory household chores is his responsibility as well which is implicit. I should not have to run after them or remind them to do all that. He just said this and never did offer to take out the trash. I had to explicitly say this again that the chore of taking out the trash should be shared by all.

Thanks Anita for these kind words. It gives me the courage and hopes that the world indeed is full of kind people.

I read a Quora post recently which resonate with me a little. The link for the same is as here. The reason for the same is that in the recent past (few years), I found myself in various positions where I was on the outskirts of my social circle. Other people in the group resonated a lot with each other and less with me. It hurt me a little every time to find that very few people in my life actually cared about me. I did crave approval and love from a few people who didn’t feel the same way. This led me in and out of depression in the last couple of years. Compared to the last phase of my life, I am much more detached and carefree right now. I just hope that it won’t be jinxed.

I have felt over the past year or so that I have begun to dislike conversations over WhatsApp and other social media. Sometimes I feel that it might be the reason for being the odd one out. Others are more prone to connecting over social media and then taking it forward in real life.

In your post above, you mentioned that I should connect deeply with other people and experience no judgment. I am a bit skeptical about it sometimes. I have felt people judging others. And that is why they unconsciously decide whom they want to connect more and who they want to keep on the sidelines.

Just a random thought came to my mind. Am I too critical of myself and others?