Rose Tattoo-
You are soo welcome….be kind to yourself. Let us know how you are.

Seaisland

I would stick it out a while longer–he has many good qualities and no one can be all things you need. Would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you. I am thinking that if you came up with some ground rules of needs you both have and agree to and put them in writing it might be worth the energy. I am not saying a contract but an agreement that he can see and visually refer back to.

I read a great funny heartwarming book written by a man with Asperger’s–about how he had to memorize what he needed to do to meet needs of his wife and others that just didn’t come natural. The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. If your boyfriend is shown how to be a better boyfriend and you do the work to be more understanding–it may be worth your while.

I am an older woman-a bit older than you. I was ready to be alone. then I met C. approx. 6 years ago. C. used to be a therapist(retired) and is a Carl Jung scholar. He is still a pain and does not meet all my needs. He isn’t suppose to–nor do I meet all his.

He is so good at having healthy boundaries. He does not and will not “treat me”. Its like living with a grown up all the time. He has been meditating and practicing yoga for 35 years. Its still work to make it work. I love him dearly, we are committed to “stand” in love. (a retired therapist is probably what I always needed) I have been in therapy for approx. 4 years–I wanted the peace of mind it appears he has.

You are going to be ok regardless of whether you work it out with your friend or not. Decide together or apart whether you are both willing to do the work. You probably may find someone who is a better fit later–or you may not. Life is scary like that.

Seaisland

• This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Seaisland.

First I am sorry you are feeling anxious and hurt.

There is more information needed for advice. Do you have money to live on -or you dependent on the friend you are staying with? Do you have employment? Was the home you made with him-rented, owned–who paid bills? Do you have transportation? Money? What is your relationship with your family?

Did you have anxiety problems in the past? Do you have an emotional support system? Have you ever lived on your own?

These are survival questions, Love, relationships change–but having the basics of a physical shelter and emotional support are paramount. Is the friend you are staying with able to willingly take this on?

Your boyfriend continued to watch porn when you asked him not to—you decided it was a deal breaker and left him. you blocked his number and he has not hunted you down and tried to convince you to come back. That is harsh and hurts.

You asked what someone would do in your place—I would make sure I was helpful around the home you are living in. I would find out how long I could stay. I would get my life together without him. Some people cannot be with a partner who watches porn–I happen to be one of them. I find it offensive.

I would cut him out of my life like a bad spot in an apple.

Be strong–get out of bed. If you need a therapist see one. If you need a job get one. Treat yourself kindly.

Seaisland

thanks Anita–I was hoping you were out there….we posted near the same minute

CLAU—it was good advice she gave you.

Breathe–feel others caring and lifting you up.

Seaisland

hmmm…..so are you saying you want to have sex with your husband ? wondering why that physical/mental act is important while you are having a satisfying sex life with your lover.

I have made many mistakes I am not judging you–I have cheated and been cheated on in my past. Hopefully I learned somethings
If your lover knows you are not having sex with your husband and now you do–if I were him that would hurt me. You might sabotage that relationship that seems to give you joy.

You are going to make things so much more complicated–and possibly not get to make choices if you start having sex with both of them. Both of them could abandon you if all the truth came out.

If you were to get pregnant now–what about that poor child.

Quit begging your husband to stay with you–don’t guilt him into getting intimate with you. Live separately.

Double check some things about your lover–is he an alcoholic, drugger, owe child support. Has he ever been arrested? Does he have any history of abusing women. Is he gainfully employed? ARE YOU?

You need to move on with your life-but do it with your eyes open. Can you see yourself living without a man in your house? are you capable of having a home with just yourself? notice the house/home indication. do you feel like a whole person capable of having a home without a partner–as I call it a “party of one”—

I was so afraid to live without a partner loving me…..I had to grow and learn to enjoy my own company. Can you be proud without someone patting you on the back and saying “you did good” Can you tell yourself that, can you be a friend to yourself. By the way I am in a successful relationship now….but it took quite a few tries. Then I was alone for 3 years–didn’t date–got my head on straight, learned to love myself. Still have issues –But we are all a work in progress–or stuck in a rut. Life is constantly changing
Please take care of YOU, don’t wait for your husband to be kind to you–You be kind to you.

It would be wonderful if all worked out with your lover–but you need to work it out with you first. Other advice given here sounds good to me–work out your past–get excited for your future.

Honor your feelings–honor yourself
hugs

Seaisland

Hello again
Missed talking to you–still reading and taking away what is useful to me on the forums. Secretly, getting my fix, discarding what is not useful in my battles/happiness.
Continuing to see my therapist and physiologist and feel I am with the right game plan.
I am about 6 weeks into Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD. WOW !!! It has been excellent for me personally—heart retching at first but the steps and narrating my story were what I needed.
Anita, to you personally–I am proud of you, as I would be a friend who was doing good. Your empathy and patience combined with your tenacity makes me smile and think….there she goes, she is at it again my Buddygirl.

Seaisland

thx for the feedback Jock–yes, its almost like I run “their” thoughts thru the filter that is mine. Worrying about others judgement.

I hope that as a step of becoming more mindful-somehow it will make my being more present have my own thoughts– instead of agonizing myself with other voices in my head.

LOL hope that didn’t come across too loopy–I know what I meant. ( see there is a step in owning my thought)

anita—thx for today

off to watch another game–quality time with the Mr.

Seaisland

YES
but what is also interesting -is YOU have made it clear (to me) on a post that you would trust and express how you really felt. I trust YOU to tell the truth and hear MY truth. Someone else I might have “jumped the gun on”.

BUT-except for Jock I haven’t ventured out and trusted anyone else-not to attack me–I even over imagined and interpreted something Inky said as personal–and I WAS WRONG. Sorry again Inky.

So it is also a step forward for me to “know” you are just telling me your truth and its ok for me to come back again–and tell you mine.

I feel almost like a well adjusted grown up -lol
Seaisland