Although I’m not in exactly the same situation, some of the feelings you are having really struck a chord with me. I’m a military wife, 38, moving around, my career (which i’m also good at) isn’t portable, so I don’t work much. I got accepted into grad school, got a teaching assistant position and 3 days later we were told we were moving… I do not have kids- it’s not that I don’t want them, but I just feel too old to start all of that right now in my life. We are on our way to move again- we don’t even have a dog because we keep moving and the added stress and expense of a dog seems overwhelming.

Anyway, all of that said, what we have in common is the fear of dreaming, since things that are important to us just don’t seem to be working out. What do we do now? Stop dreaming? Find other dreams that aren’t really truly our heart’s desires? I don’t have the answer. I am learning to be happy in the moment and thankful for things that are good in my life. I actually have a lot of what I wanted, even though it just doesn’t look like what I want.

I have 5, yes FIVE, pregnant friends right now. Although I’m not exactly in the same boat as you, I can assure you that I feel no less isolated and alone than you likely feel. I wonder if anyone else is like me (choosing not to have children because of age, lifestyle, social issues)? I have spent a lot of time in the last months wondering, second guessing, feeling frustrated and anxious about not having children… I have some skills that can help with these feelings, so they don’t overwhelm me anymore, but I still struggle.

I’m wondering, have you ever read or watched the documentary “The Secret”? This book/idea was BIG some years back, and I wasn’t really interested, but seeing that it was available on netflix I watched it not long about and it really gave me some insight about how my feelings are affecting what is (or isn’t) happening in my life. Even if you don’t totally subscribe to the science/spirituality behind it, I think it’s a great concept to learn to put things from the negative into the positive. For example, if you keep hoping that the police won’t pull you over, are you actually willing that to happen. Instead, learn how to put your wishes into the positive!

I wish you the best and I’m glad that you are trying to figure things out.