Thanks, Anita. I’m sure you’re right. I was tempted to ask him to get together, but that’s probably not a great idea.

Thanks, Jon. My long term relationship was 6 years. I cared for him a lot but did not see a future together. We had grown apart and I wasn’t happy. I was not interested in being in a relationship, but a few months after that ended I started casually seeing another man. I was not very attached for the first few months, but eventually I fell for him. He told me that he loved me but was not ready to be serious with anyone. I (stupidly) kept seeing him for about a year. Then, he ghosted me – no argument, no goodbye, nothing.

After that I jumped into another 4 month long relationship. This man was very kind but we had nothing in common and I ended things. Then, I had about three shorter term “relationships”. They were each 4-8 weeks. Two of them broke up with me with an explanation (see above) and one ghosted me. This last one has hit me very hard, I really thought that I had found someone I could see a future with, but he did not feel the same way.

I don’t like dating very much because of my sensitive nature. I hate hurting other people’s feelings and I get hurt very easily. I want to be in a serious relationship. To me, that means spending quality time together, confiding in each other, trusting each other and eventually taking “next steps” like living together, getting married, etc.

I’ve decided to take a dating break for the next few months then reevaluate. The anxiety I felt with this last relationship made me absolutely miserable. The weekend that he was at the wedding and I didn’t hear from him I literally felt paralyzed. I couldn’t go out with my friends, run errands, etc. I never want to feel like that again.

Thanks for the new replies. Its been a few weeks and I’m still really upset. I keep ruminating on all of the things I should have done differently to “keep” him. Any advice on that?

Mark – There have only been two cases where I was given an explanation for the man leaving. The other times they’ve “ghosted” me, or I decided to end things. For these two times, however, it was because I let my emotions get the best of me. As someone said on page 1, I tend to act cool at first, then kind of “blow up” with emotion. I’m usually attracted to very laid back, outgoing and charismatic guys. I’m the opposite of that.

I’m sure you’re right, and I will refrain from reaching out to him.

I can’t help but get discouraged, though. I have been dating consistently for years (after a long term relationship ended), and I feel like I keep driving men away. Everything always starts so great in the beginning, but then I feel like I do something to mess it up. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes, but it seems that I just keep repeating them. I’m exhausted.

Thanks, everyone!

Anita – I’m sure that the argument on Friday was compounded by the anxiety I had been feeling the past week. It was a pretty long conversation, so I’ll try to include everything I can remember in case it is relevant:

As I said, we had seen each other Tuesday, but had no plans for the weekend. I had told him that I would be out of town Saturday, so I was hoping that he would make plans for Friday night. We had been texting back and forth all day Friday. He had not asked to see me, so I made plans with friends. Finally, I  asked him what he was doing that night. He told me that he was getting dinner with some friends then grabbing some drinks (I have met his friends multiple times and had gone out with them before). I felt hurt that he didn’t invite me and that he was not prioritizing spending time with me, so I sent him a passive aggressive text (I know that was a bad idea). It read: “Ok, have a good night. Bye.”

He called me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was really hoping to see him that weekend, and that I was disappointed that he did not make plans. He responded that he didn’t know that I wanted to see him that night, and asked me if I wanted to go with him to dinner. I said that I already had plans, so he said something like, “then why are you even mad?” He told me that he didn’t think that it was a big deal that he was going out with his friends and that he had assumed that he would see me at some point that weekend. I told him that it would have been nice if he had tried to make plans with me, and that it made me nervous when I didn’t know when we would see each other again. He said that he thinks that I am taking out my past relationship on him (I previously told him that I had been ghosted by a man I had dated for a year). He then told me that I was stressing him out and that he should not be stressed this early in a relationship. I apologized for the passive aggressive text, but he seemed very irritated. I asked him if he still wanted to see me, and he said that he wasn’t sure and that he was going to think about it.

Sunday when he called me he still sounded irritated. He simply said, “I can’t do this.” I said, “I really care about you. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about things and give it another chance?” That’s when he said that he just wasn’t ready for something serious at all. I said “I understand. I had fun with you and I’ll miss you.” He said “I know.” That’s how we left it.

Hi Anita – Yes, he contacted me yesterday and we made plans to get dinner tonight. I am not sure if I should bring up his lack of contact this week, or just wait and see how he acts in person.

Also…

On our second date, we talked about past relationships and what we were looking for. I stated that I wanted to be in a serious relationship with the right person, and he said that he did too. I believe that he meant it, but the problem now is if he feels that I’m the “right person”.

Also, if his cooling off has to do with deleting the app, I am confused as to why he wouldn’t have just ended it with me, you know? I asked him if he wanted to date other people, and he said no. I did not want to pressure him if he was not ready for that step, but obviously I would not have stuck around if he wanted to continue dating.

I understand what you’re saying, it’s just so hard to relate to. I hate online dating, and really want to be done with it!

To answer you question he’s made a lot of comments about my personality – saying that I’m fun and funny and he loves hanging out with me. I thought that we were very compatible there as we always have a really good time together. He also compliments my looks a lot, calling me “pretty” and “beautiful” pretty much every time we talk.

Also, we spent Christmas Eve together. He kept saying how happy he was that I came over and that he wanted to spend the holidays with me. It probably isn’t relevant, but it just makes everything so much more confusing.

Yeah, I know that I should wait for him to contact me today. I told myself I would do the same thing yesterday, but I got so anxious I ended up texting him. I’m assuming the worse, but I really hope I’m wrong.