Hi Terrabrandford,

You will definitely start to feel better, the ‘not knowing why’ was eating away at you, like poison. Your heart is still wounded but that poison has gone. The door is open for a future relationship with your friend, you reached out to her in the best and most mature way possible, and she has responded and explained. Now let it go, focus on yourself, expect nothing more and if she comes back into your life, welcome her (if you want to) and forgive but don’t forget. Protect your vulnerable heart.

I have had an experience just like you this year. I see myself in you. You are clearly an emotionally intense person, you would never cut contact with somebody overnight (other than in the most dramatic circumstance), without explanation, and can’t understand why anyone would. I feel precisely the same way, it’s simply not how I react to things, I like to talk things through, explore problems, understand, connect and mend relationships.

But I’ve come to realise that not all people are like that, some people deal with intense emotion, pain or complicated circumstances by cutting contact, hiding away, avoiding, distancing themselves. The idea of unravelling and exploring problems, unpicking issues, talking things through is as alien to them, as the idea of brutally cutting contact is to you or me. It’s not how they deal with things.

In your case, it seems this situation was very much about your friend and her circumstances, she admits as much; she cut contact because that’s what she needed to do, for her. Don’t over-think it, it wasn’t about you. And that means it’s not ‘you’ that is the problem, despite having had a similar experience with an ex. Don’t try to make yourself the common denominator or wonder why people walk away. It’s about them, not you, and I doubt your experiences are connected.

In looking after her own needs, your friend hurt you, and you were going through difficult times too. You are allowed to feel angry about that, and I think it was perfectly fair to gently make that point in your letter.

Please rest assured that, to me, it seems that you have done everything right, everything you could have done in this friendship. You have behaved with dignity, so hold your head high, know that your emotions and loyalty are admirable and that the pain will die down and become increasingly manageable. You’ll be stronger in the future, I certainly am after my experience. Don’t give up on your friend, but you can live without her! You have done for a year now.

Wishing you well!

Saz26