Anita,

Sorry for the three posts in a row.

I was also going through Midnight’s post. The fact that she is married and feels trapped in these thoughts and there’s no way out.

I mean, I don’t want to get married to him and still remain with these thoughts and remain trapped in them and be unable to walk out of it, this will make me miserable. That is why sometimes I feel it is best I walk away and save him from this drama, and save myself from this guilt.

Sorry.

Anita,

Thank you for writing back, True, my feelings were to myself only and I remember clearly that I always had this thought that I will keep things to myself and people need not to know how I feel, they wouldn’t understand. I would like to mention that I am also very sensitive and take things personally. However, I don’t think I was invisible in the family, my parents were too occupied with problems.

I am not angry with them at all, I understand where they were coming from, I understand the problems that we went through and I don’t blame them for being occupied. The things we went through is just out of hand.

I firmly believe I was loved by my mother at least, maybe not dad, but she tried her best to give me the attention I need. Even now my parents mention that I should be more tender hearted and nice, they would love it if I am kind towards them and say nice words and such when they are trying to be loving and caring, but I just refuse and turn away.

Really bothers me and tears me up when I read the words that I may be angry with my parents, I can’t imagine that I would be angry with them because I do love them at the end of the day, and I know they tried their best to be there for me and provide me with all the things I need in life (I’ve attended the top school and university), even if they failed, at least they know they tried amidst all the bad times. I feel sorry for them and for myself for the things that we had to deal with. Even now my mother passes by my desk she sees me sad she hugs me and holds me cuz she can tell when I am upset and when I am not.

And about my doubt for my feelings, probably yeah, and I didn’t get the help I needed because I did not open up to begin with.

I have a strong tension over my chest, because I am considering leaving my boyfriend, I still can’t seem to find the answers to whether I love him or not, and it is killing me. I cannot keep leading him on, the guy wants to marry me and I am worried to marry him and live miserable all my life for still wondering whether I love him or not, I don’t want to repeat history of living miserably like my parents. I am so lost, so lost, maybe I just don’t love him and I am pressured to love him back?

Hi Anita,

I see, I don’t really go with medications and things like that, so thank you for pointing out the difference.

I mean, I can’t remember how my childhood has been, but it was quiet depressing if I look back, but I was too young to realize that. But now if I rewind and look back, I go like what a life I have been living, my parents were most of the time stressed and miserable, where they too busy or too occupied to show me the love I need? We moved out to a different country and lived all on our own as a family, we neglected everything and everyone back in our hometown, we left everything behind. So as a child I never really had a lot of family interactions or celebrations, it was very limited and within our family only. I can’t remember as a child if I was rejecting love from my surrounding, but I definitely do now.

I love my family that’s for sure, but I am very cold and not very kind or care-giving, I replace my expression of love with generosity and with things, like buying things and giving it to people, I find it the best definition or form of love expression. Even my family, I always lend them money because they are my family at the end of the day the most important thing in life, but still keep a straight face and remain formal with them.

Sometimes my mother tries to discuss this and says that my actions show that I am cold-hearted and cruel (with no intentions to hurt me, most loving mother ever), but I can’t seem to find an explanation to her argument. She tells me once you get the attention you need, you just back out, you keep backing out when someone runs after you and showers you with love.

It’s very hard to explain how I feel about love, but it is always black and white, never grey. I want to welcome love with arms wide open, but there’s always this block preventing expression. All of my people who are around me call me mean and cold, with a straight face on, and it is true, I seem so but I am unable to prove the opposite. PS: I was always labeled as a depressed person since high school.

Hi Midnightradio,

Thank you for your reply and advice about this. I will look into it. I also sometimes find that I am very much related to borderline personality disorder, which is quite confusing.

I have never went to a therapist before, and I kind of finding it as if I am surrendering to my disorder by going to a therapist which I find quite devastating. I am trying to handle the thoughts myself first then see if I need a therapist, but it seems that it is going nowhere…

Oh, and I feel like he knows that I am always contemplating, but he is still sticking around, quite tolerates me and handles me well, if it were another guy, believe me he would have walked away long time ago.. Should I confront him about my anxiety if it doesn’t wear out when I change my lifestyle? People are encouraging me to keep myself busy and change my lifestyle, maybe this will help. <Maybe because I have so much time on my hands that all I do is overthink about him, maybe I should distract myself and this may help the situation. Basically, since my lifestyle changed ever since he walked in my life, I probably saw it as something bad interfering in my lifestyle, changing and altering it, maybe I should go back to my old hobbies and keep him in my life, maybe things will get better.