Roll of thumb: Lying = Leave.

Gut feelings are never wrong.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. Having an abusive mother become your inner voice is hard. Are you still in contact with her? If so I would recommend cutting her off.

I used to go to suicidal ideations every time I couldn’t see a way through something. Then life would surprise me. But things are still hard in general.

So I get it.

I’m glad you had a breakthrough.

You deserve to know that you are worthy and have more power than you realize. You survived that abuse. You’ve overcome so much.

I have a book recommendation – Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. It’s from her advice column as Dear Sugar where she compiled her best stories and advice.

I say this book because I had a mental breakdown in 2015 and I researched a TON of self-help to see what would help me. Going rockbottom like that showed me what works and what doesn’t work. So I was reading Joel Osteen (am not a fan now) which is prosperity gospel. I read positivity blogs. And so many things that just didn’t work for me. For the Joel Osteen thing when I was in the psych ward I told a patient that a struggle is like an arrow being pulled backwards in order to go farther so once released it would go a stronger distance than if you had not gone through the struggle. Now I regret those words. That person later died by suicide. I found things that helped me which were Cheryl Strayed’s book and prayer. I had this patient read Tiny Beautiful Things and they underlined and wrote notes in it. Now it’s precious to me.

I’m rambling a bit. But I’ve learned that things can simply be senseless. We don’t have to celebrate every struggle or like it turn us completely around. Pain is pain. Anyways I wish I could have said that to him instead.

There’s “name it to tame it” by Dr. Dan Siegel. I found this out on my own actually. I say “I am in pain.” I don’t now why this helps me. But I usually repress or don’t acknowledge negative feelings. I’ve always transmuted it into something positive or meaningful. I’ve always tried to be inspirational with wisdom (which is what led me to this site). Today actually I said that and was like “Okay I’m accepting it.” For whatever reason I can’t outsmart the pain.

My pain comes from trauma and survivalism white knuckling my life with no breaks or balance.

I don’t know how to turn that pain around to be honest. I know that’s not exactly helpful. But all my life I suffered in silence. So much that I have a guard even with myself.

So I’m really proud of YOU for saying how you feel. That’s step one. I’m glad you were able to pinpoint your pain to abuse.

I don’t know how to fix that pain. But I think that you are a beautiful person no matter what anyone says about you. You deserve to feel happy. Just know that. You deserve it.

Anyways I don’t know if any of that was helpful. I’m right there with you.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.

Leave him. There is no reason to stay. You’ve given him enough chances. For your daughters you need to be an example of someone who has healthy boundaries and high standards for what you deserve. He is nothing. You have everything you need – a much stronger character. So use this situation as a learning one to not give so many chances and to trust your gut. Your gut is always right!

Sometimes there are personality conflicts within an organization, someone attempting to sabotage your success, or inappropriate behavior.

Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

Your work environment impacts your mental health.

But you can also put up boundaries as to what you allow to affect you. Can you just do the daily task regardless of validation? Can you take constructive criticism (so long as it’s respectful and exactly that – constructive)? Can you self-advocate or address your needs with a coworker or manager? Can you talk to HR or someone higher up than your manager? Can you let your manager know what you will and will not tolerate?

Okay so personally if it were me I would just look for another job. I know that’s not easy. But I can’t be around toxicity. It’s about how much you are willing to tolerate and if you can detach and just think “I’m doing this to survive. That’s all this is.”

I’ve been in fields with children at daycare centers where there was abuse or coworkers sabotaging me. Someone once told me if there’s a sick feeling in your stomach, that’s a sign (from God, universe, whatever), that something isn’t right. That’s a gut feeling. If you already know the situation isn’t right for you and can’t be mended – either tolerate it with boundaries and self-advocate OR walk away.

You can’t live with how it is currently.

Visualize your success. What would your dream job or position be? How would it make you feel? I don’t really buy into the whole manifesting thing but sometimes starting over is an adventure and it’s okay to be open to it.

This is not a healthy person. They have no boundaries and chose to be with M rather than get a restraining order or some legal help with this situation. You’re not their “fixer” or their person. They misled you that it would all be okay. You in a way enabled it.

I would say too much happened to be able to just pick up where you left off. I would burn that bridge and keep on moving.

Hi Dave,

It seems like you both have some work to do on yourselves. You said you prioritize going out or work and she gives all her energy to the kids and not to you. Could you guys afford a nanny? just curious!

The question you need to ask yourself is this – When was the last time you were vulnerable to her and showed her any pain or fear or frustration in an expressive manner?

I feel that communication, energy and possibly differing priorities are causing the strain. It’s not necessarily that you don’t love each other.

In the moments you are together, look into her eyes and brush back her hair and just stay in that space as long as possible. You don’t have to talk, or can if you want to. Tell her you need time with her where you just exist for each other – no expectations.

When you’re in love you want to make out all day and can’t leave each other’s sides. That fades out when you stop opening up to each other.

Perhaps even writing a letter of all that you want to say and giving it to her. Have her do the same to you.

It’s a lost spark that CAN be rekindled.

But also NEVER stay with someone because of the kids. They will feel the strain either way.

Lastly, love yourself. You’re detaching from yourself too. You need to focus on yourself in a different way. You won’t be happy in ANY situation if you don’t self-reflect and turn inward. Your circumstances don’t dictate happiness. Your character and inner peace do.

I think that if you think of your wife as a friend, you’re not really in a relationship. That isn’t as fair to her (or to you). I would consider marriage counseling. This is concerning because it means there’s a lack of intimacy.

You’re in an abusive relationship. There is no other option but to leave.