Hi Yoda428,

in a weird way I see your story making sense. You write how you sort of want her and don’t – and I think here is the clue to your problem.

In this long relationship you two had she obviously became a meaningful other to you, and the most familial “mirror” you have. And now after learning things since the divorce, you still carry this hope that you could reflect the picture of new you via this mirror so important to you: in her eyes, face and love. She might not be your type anymore – but she still is the person you sort of hope to impress, and winning her back would make it possible for you to show what you’ve learned. As it would make it possible for you to play this role once again – but this time you’d know what to do.

I guess the satisfaction included to this dream is comparable to the one we might carry in relation to some old sweetheart once abandoning us: if they just could see us now. Even though we might not want a relationship with them, how good would it feel to see the impressed look in their eyes..!

I think the one thing in common between these fantasies is, that these are the people we have given important roles in our lives. And having their acceptance feels a bit like acceptance we require from our parents: something, that convinces we are good, lovable and able to develop in life.

There was just recently an article in Tiny Buddha over getting along with your parents. And there was this quote from Ram Dass, saying “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” In my case I’ve noticed this also works very well if being in touch with the most recent ex at the time: No matter what has happened since, and what a great person we’ve become – still a long time after a break up it’s often impossible to hold the control over oneself if talking with the ex. As it’s way too easy to notice that even if you wouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with this person anymore, there’s still a part of you wishing for his acceptance. Or something, that would magically take all those past mistakes away.

But in most cases there simply isn’t a perfect, happy ending closure available, leaving us all satisfied. There’s just endings and goodbyes, where you never get to say everything you wanted. And it’s just something we have to learn to live with: that the train we’re waiting has long since gone. And this other person who seem to make us regress isn’t really the one responsible over our feelings. She/he is her/his very own person, and it is actually a bit unfair to keep burdening them with our unconscious needs after the relationship has ended. They’re someone, just as ourselves too, who deserve to be treated with respect – instead of being someone to keep playing our games with. So my advice would be, that you should really take some emotional distance to your ex for a while, and concentrate on building your own future at the time. It’s not easy, but do remember: you’re the only person who, in the end, carries the solutions to your needs.

Dear Miguel,

I’m a woman around my thirties at the moment, and was just today thinking back the days I was around 18 to 20 years old.

As a teenager I also wanted to be “this woman” – this woman who is well educated, beautiful and having lots of friends, with interesting career and exciting life. But it seemed to be impossible to achieve: I just wasn’t naturally as good dressing up as my friends, and seemed to have difficulties with directing my life. For too long I felt alienated with my life – and later on I’ve realized why was it so.

The problems were:

1.) I didn’t trust myself. As a young person I was in a hurry – thinking, that if I’d just look like this or that, if I’d just have lots of friends and if I’d just had a cool career with my natural talent, I would be lovable & happy.

Wrong thinking.

First of all: you can never, ever be anyone or anything else but yourself. And being successful isn’t actually an outer goal at all: it’s based on becoming the best possible you. To reach this goal you need to breath in and understand this one crucial thing: don’t set outer goals where to compare yourself to (& feel like a failure), but instead: look inside. You are someone already. No matter how young you are – this person inside of you is the one who with you will make the journey called life with. So the sooner you start learning to get along with him, the better.

Learn to love, listen and respect to yourself the way you are. You have certain qualities you can feel happy about: cherish these qualities & feel joy having them. You also have some qualities that needs a practice: don’t be afraid to face them. Everyone fails time to time, and there’s really no reason to be afraid of failure or pain. We all, each single one of us, have to get use having these things in our lives – as pain is an inevitable part of growing up. What happens, though, is that with time you’ll get a higher tolerance to them.

You also have a body: a one, great and working body you are able to take care of. Don’t objectify it, but start to live in it – as it is the only housing you’ll ever have. Do great things with your body: try different kind of exercises, and find the joy in your physical being. Learn to cherish your sensuality both in your physical being and in relation to your diet: learn to love & appreciate food, too. It’s easy to eat properly, when you give up the idea food being “just something”, and open up yourself to cooking and regular meals as a form of art itself.

2.) There is no shortcuts. Every tree grows from a seed – and every person becomes who she/he is a one step at the time. It’s good to have outer goals, as they make you direct your action toward something. But be prepared, that life has it’s ways: it’s often the journey towards something, that will give you the greatest teachings you’ll have. Don’t be afraid of pain or hard times – for example studying isn’t always just fun and easy. To learn and grow you need to accept that you’ve all the time asked to take one more step outside your comfort area: and that’s the thing with everyone. In my case it has often helped me to check if I’m in a right place when saying to myself: there is no place in this world I could be without having to fight. Is this the fight worth having from all the possible, here and now? Would solving this fight make me the happiest person I could imagine at the time?

3.) There is no other way of becoming all these things you desire, than your own way. 30 years of living has showed me one thing for sure: life hasn’t always given me the things I thought I wanted – but it has been generous with the things I’ve needed at the time. Not any of us can choose our wounds that will later on define our greatest battles – so best thing to do is just accept them as the cards you’re playing with. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, as they have different cards to begin with. Concentrate on playing the best possible game with the ones given to you.

So to say: let go of these ideas of outer success: they will come, if you’ll learn to master your inner success at first. The people I know that have really “made it” reaching their thirties have been the ones who never did things based on how they looked like outside. Instead they concentrated on doing their best at every phase in their life – no matter if they were working in old people’s house or a coffee shop – they always seemed to put themselves in things and enjoying what they were doing. They didn’t concentrate on pleasing anyone else but themselves.

As there is also one secret in life that I’ve become to realize when growing up: you can never “get” love, give it, or loose it. You can only share it. And to have something to share, you need to learn to love yourself, your body, your passions – and the life you’re living.

Same comes with happiness: it’s not something you can ever “get”, but something, you can only “be”. The seeds of happiness are often set, when you open your eyes to all the things you can feel gratitude over. Nothing in life is promised to no one, and nothing should we take granted – as it can be taken away the next day (health for example). When you realize this it hopefully inspires you to take care of all the things you have here & now – and start building on them as a true optimist ;).

Good luck – it’ll take time to start getting it, but as long as you stay true to your authentic self, you will make it.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Sanna.

P.s. It’s often said that when we choose a relationship, we also choose a certain set of “problems”. In a way it is true, and sometimes the problems in a certain relationship may be less tolerable than they would be in some other relationship.

But because relationships are always about mirroring each other, in every relationship we are set a chance to really look at ourselves and get to know the uncomfortable feelings we have. Where do they rise from – especially in the situation, where the other person doesn’t mean to harm us in purpose? What do they tell us about our selves? When are we acting in a controlling/abusive way without noticing it? Trying to control the other person/demanding things when the only thing we want to control is our own fear/pain – and the needs something the other person isn’t responsible over (“feeling special”).

We all carry certain set of “problems” inside of ourselves too, and taking a proper look to the uncomfortable feelings we have is something all must do at some point. So to say, in every relationship the situation where problems arise may differ – but there is never gonna be a relationship that saves us from facing ourselves, both in good and bad. A conflict is always a possibility to learn more about ourselves – because nothing really harms us, if it doesn’t touch us somewhere deep inside.

I do know your feeling, actually, as I came to this same page because of concentration problems. What Moon wrote though is pretty much true I guess: much of the upload and obstacles/ways of being stuck are in our minds. Human brain is simply an amazing organ – the main problem often being that the energy and capability very often isn’t in full use – as we need to process so many things at the same time in our daily lives. (Think of autistic people: the amazing skills they often have might give a clue over the potential we all could have if much of the outer influences & mind wandering to those issues were shut off).

As said – I’m myself also stressed at the moment and came to this site to find something to help me concentrate. So no – it’s not an easy task to master the stress…!

First of all: keep in mind that you are here to live your life – and the only person you need to show off is yourself. You wrote that your family is all the time worried about your future, and this actually sounds like it could be a weight on your shoulders. Let it go. Your parents are grown ups and responsible over their happiness: you don’t need to handle this issue to make them feel safe. It might be a good thing to close these things out of your mind for a while: don’t let their emotions come to you. Protect yourself from other people’s stress, so to speak.

Now, face your stress. I do know how it feels – this constant feeling of being trapped. The time is ticking, there’s no room for failing, and at the same time, you already feel worn out carrying the weight of past mistakes. What you obviously should let go are the past failings – and also the huge pressure to succeed. (But this for sure isn’t the easy thing to do).

I suggest you to look for things, images and people that make you feel confident and good about yourself. Take some emotional distance to people who you feel you need to prove something to, or who is worried over you, and concentrate on people who support you and believe in you. The kind, who trust you and see you as someone skillful. This person might be yourself too: think of all the skills you have. And all the things you’ve already been able to do.

Think the amazing person you are. Do everything it takes to switch your mind on to positive things. And try to accept the level you are now: you can’t jump before you can walk. Stress often comes from the fact that we think of the outcome (huge thing to swallow) – when everything is built from a simple practices and small steps, eventually.

Accept that this is an important time in your life, and you have every right to concentrate on yourself. Give up pleasing others, and take the time to practice you need. And most of all: to get in to and to keep on to the mindset you need!

Eventually, try to reach the math as game or a mystery. Try to give up the previous images of struggling, and distance yourself a bit from the tasks ahead. Math is a language, actually, or a form of art. Behind all those symbols is a hidden beauty, a logical structure created to tell stories that would be too long to explain with natural sentences. Imagine yourself being someone who is determined to learn how to read and write in this language. Dive into it. For a while try reaching it as something neutral: not a life or dead issue, but as something having value and point in itself.

You know that brain is a bit like muscle too? It is formed by the way you use it – new neuropathways are created depending on your actions. And just as any muscle, also brain needs some rest and relaxation too, between practice. (By the way, exercise is a very good thing when it comes to learning – as it literally makes you ready to built new networks in your brain. It also relies stress). Best luck!

Dear Ashlie – first of all, a big, loving hug for you.

You write you think you are nothing – but at the same time you are so much already! As it sounds to me that you are relatively healthy, do have family and friends – not to mention pets and a home to live in. You can write, read, and yes – you seem to be someone who does expect big things from life. I mean, there are so many people who never even thought they could have anything more than surveillance.

The reason you think you are nothing is because you have created the picture of things you find you’re not achieving (but you think you should). But here’s the thing I had to learn myself too at some point: there’s no shortcuts in life. And at the same time: there is no shoulds. You don’t need to be anything, my dear friend. As you already are all you ever need to be. The question that seems to bother you though is, if you are all those great things you could be? That is being someone, who is happy and feels “doing the right thing”.

So, the thing is that you don’t, once again need to be anything. Give up on that idea, totally. You already are enough, and I know as sure as anyone can that you are 100% lovable already.

But there are things you can do. As doing the right thing really starts by doing little things.

You ask how can one learn to love herself. You have pets you most likely are attached to. Watch them for a while: aren’t they cute, sweet, innocent and simply adorable as they are?

Can’t you see that you’re exactly like them too? You are cute in your being. Just a small living thing in this planet, and that’s why so very beautiful and innocent in your basic existence. You also need to remember that your mind isn’t “you”: you don’t actually own yourself in a deepest sense. What you think is “you” is actually just your conscious: but what keeps you going is based on the co-work of millions of cells. These cells work everyday for you to breath, walk, think and act. Why wouldn’t you treat them well as you treat your pets too? Give them proper nutrition, enough sleep and some exercise to keep going.

You write you are nothing. I’d say the better words would be: I’m a bit lost now and would like to know how to take myself to the place I need to be (happiness). I just don’t know where to start/I feel afraid/exhausted already (feeling that to achieve my dream I’m just in the beginning).

You don’t need to feel exhausted, as there isn’t any huge thing you should really swallow. Instead – every day is made of little things and little choices. What would the woman you wish to be eat today? Would she be able to cook?

And what does this woman you’re responsible over enjoy to do? What makes her laugh? What makes her curious? Wouldn’t you like to give her some fresh air daily? What ever it is that helps you to start with: to either imagine that you’re already the woman you want to be (and try to live everyday a bit more the way you think she would live) – or to think yourself as one of your cute pets that you must take care of.

And those self hatred thoughts you can imagine as intruders – as they are. They are a bit like a cancer cells: something, that is not working properly and is eating you from inside instead of building you. Don’t listen to them. Think of them as flees on your dogs fur: they shouldn’t be there because they are harming you. Don’t give them power, and do your best to ignore/get rid of them. Nobody has the right to hate you – not even you! Think of your pets hating themselves: wouldn’t that be an awful thing?

Most important thing to keep in mind is that loving anything (life, other people) starts by loving and accepting your inner child. Stop being so cruel to her, but instead get to know her a bit without judgement. Forgive her the things she yet cannot do, and support her the things she’s giving a try. Be your own parent, and get used to being loving and loved. And don’t forget the skill of forgiveness either!

Everything else will follow: you just can’t get the plant before putting the seed somewhere and nourishing its grow on daily bases. The seed is there: good and perfect. But are you brave enough to see the plant it could be?

P.s. You are YOUNG! Nothing lost dear girl. You can get in shape in 1 to 2 years if wish to, and even study a degree in just few years. In just 3 years you can totally come out of your shell both emotionally, physically and intellectually if you’re up to it. And what would it make you – 31 years old? That’s nothing either! you know the last parts of your brain just developed at age 25 – that is, you have JUST grown up. Nothing, nothing is lost! So much time to live, learn, travel etc.!