Dear Anita,

Thank you for your reply.
At first, i wonder if you were being sarcastic: that i will not manage to change it because i’m not brave enough to face the fear with new behavior. But that is me (=my habit), i always think that people are making fun of me and putting me down.
The way that i know you here on this forum, i don’t think that that intention even enters your mind.
I think you just want to point out to me, what it is about.

And to be honest, sometimes i wonder, where you got all that insight. I know you’ve gone through a lot of processes and work yourself, but i am impressed that you know to give so many insights in people’s situations. To me it seems that you have come very far with that.

Yes, fear…
And when i look, what am i afraid of?
1. losing my job – which i don’t think is a realistic fear. And if so, it would be sad, cause i like it there and it’s getting comfortable, but ok, i would find an other job, and losing my job because i tried to stand up for myself, would be a win i think.
2. Guilt feelings. These are much worse, and much harder to tackle.
(3. I don’t know – perhaps a hurt ego)
(4. Just the unpredictableness. Not knowing if she’s gonna shout even more at me, when i try to say something)

Anyway. Today i went to the boss after work. It was not the plan. But she let me do many things myself, and started to do our main work immediately (cleaning the rooms in the hotel). So i started much later, because i had to clean other things and she didn’t bother helping me. So she does the half of the rooms and then heads of. Which means that i can tidy some of her mess afterwards because she never does that.
That is ok for me, we get paid by the hour.
But i am afraid since a while of how it will look for the boss: she often finishes earlier than me (she also chooses the easiest rooms, the ones where people are staying, or where she can, the ones that have only one bed instead of 2), and i am afraid that the bosses are going to think that i am much slower. So i told him, i am starting to think that i have to defend myself, and told him she does 5 rooms and heads off. He explained me that i am there longer than her, so i am the senior in relation to her, so that they like to give me more hours. That is nice. I told him i am afraid that they will think that i am slow or lazy – in the beginning i worked there i was very slow, but i’m much better now. He assured me that i don’t have to be afraid of that, that they don’t think that.
Of course i feel terrified now.

Anyway, i didn’t tell him anything about her behavior towards me, which is getting worse everyday now.
I only said that part, and it reassured me a bit, that he told me no need to worry.
So i try to be compassionate with myself, i didn’t *really* stand up for myself, but it was a little step towards showing and expressing something towards my boss what is bothering me.

Hopefully it gives me a bit more confidence to put up with her behavior, which i’m slowly starting to call bullying.
Perhaps i will get there one day.

Hi Jack,
What makes you say that – that i am a better person than you?
You don’t know me, i don’t think i’m such a good person, but that’s not my point, i think i read some self-doubt in your remark, as if you’re not finding yourself very good. And i wonder why?
Because i get a different impression when reading your posts here..

Dear Anita,
Thank you for your kind words. Yes i didn’t realise, but it is indeed VERY effective for her: all she has to do is to yell and i’ll say what she wants to hear. All she has to do is stand in my place and i’ll run away and let her do my nice task. All she has to do is saying A to me and then B to me and she knows i’ll be doubting myself.
Yes i like your idea, thank you so much. I’m so caught in it myself that i can’t even think about it. But i will keep it in mind for next time. I am so afraid to say anything to her because i’m afraid that she’ll go to other people and tell them that i was rude to her and make me look bad – and that i won’t even know it because they wouldn’t tell me. But i have to stop thinking so much and trusting a bit more that there is not a whole army of enemies waiting to hear about my first mistake to all turn their backs on me.

Yes you are right, we need to be very compassionate and patient with ourselves, and in a consistent way, if we want te make change. Thank you for the reminder, it’s easy to forget sometimes.

Quite likely i will update her later on how it went.

Hi Jack,

Ok i see. It sounded to me that you were further in it because of the way you wrote it, but i understand, these things take a long process in order to change them. Good that you have taken the step already to look at it. I find that often the hardest part, being honest with myself about something that i want to change, and making the honest intention to learn to act differently.
I find work also difficult, even though my workplace is quite nice. But there seems to be more involved – i personally am always anxious to lose my job if i make the slightest mistake, and that other people will make my life miserable there. Even though it doesn’t go that hard it seems. But i tend to get quite paranoid anyway, so at work i have this in a high degree.

Good luck with practicing on it.

Hi sorry for my late reaction. I wanted to wait a few days to try to think about it.
Anita, yes, you are right. The win-win, and helping each other, i have that with most people there and that is wonderful, that it is possible. I like giving and with those people i can do that, because they also look after me and give to me. But indeed, i have to know with who i can do that, and put up a big wall with certain people. It’s now not only anymore about that task – now it is evolving that the boss wants me to do an other task, which means that i’m learning a new, interesting skill, so i’m happy with that. But it is in general with the way she behaves about me – i won’t start boring you with all the details.
I don’t know about the barking though. It is not my style, and my experience tells me that it doesn’t work with her. If i try to bark with her, she just barks back, and louder than me, and i get afraid. If i try to discuss with her, she will keep denying what i see, even though she is clearly lying. So i’m trying more the silent approach, trying to say ‘i do this’ – or whatever it is about and not discussing too much, but staying with what i first said. That seems to fit me better, and to work better towards her. She will argue a bit and then go.

Thank you for pointing it out so nice each time: “the right thing… or easy?” i have some work learning to see the difference between those 2 things. I can be very good at self-deception.

@Lovelimess, yes i find it difficult to go talk to the boss. There are a few bosses, but they are so laid-back and not caring too much, that i don’t know who would be best to talk to and if it would make sense. And then i am worrying so much: what are they going to think about me etc, that keeps me back from it. And then i say to myself “i don’t like to be the kind of person that goes complaining to the boss about a co-worker, that is childish” – which are probably excuses again.
Anyway these days she is making it worse in her attitude towards me, at the moment i’m just letting it happen but i’m starting to think to say something to the boss. Hopefully i manage to do that one of those days, because that would be the right thing to do. I think i have done more than my share in trying to talk with her.

Jack, thank you for your reply, i try to reply you tomorrow, tired now.

I am trying to work on it, but is goes very slow, i guess i’ll have to accept that.