Dear Anita,

Thank you so much again for your reply and your wise words.
Yes, i do have therapy actually. I was still in contact with my therapist from my home country, through skype, although irregular and i haven’t spoken with her since november, due to lack of money and then having no time and no internet in the house. But, i’ve been going to her since ten years and i feel that this kind of therapy (DGT) is not enough. Although, i must say that she has helped me a lot during those years. But i feel that now i am ready for an other kind of therapy, so i contacted a therapist here in the town, that i thought might be a good fit. I have seen him 3 times and this afternoon again. He works with mindfulness and seems to have a similar way of looking at things as me. He doesn’t care about my labels as borderline, he says that i am just a human being sitting in front of him. And he told me that he gets therapy as well, which makes me feel more confident. So even though i am feeling quite lost at the moment, and i am finding it hard to believe that this is going to make real changes, i am quite hopeful (because he is hopeful, and he is confident, out of his own experiences, that these things can really change). Still, i am aware that i have to do the work myself, but now i have support again, from somebody that i feel that can understand and is able to deal with it.

About the reason why he didn’t call me: no, that’s nothing to do with it. He has a house, he lives there with his friend, an other colleague, and i think that he would love to sleep there more often. He usually sleeps 5 days per week (on his workdays) in the hotel where he works, because they need somebody to sleep there and nobody else wants to do it. He is too good, doesn’t say no.
That day on the phone, was his day off, and the girl that usually sleeps there on his days off, wanted to go somewhere, so he had to go. He told me that he didn’t mind because she will sleep there on wednesday and thursday. Still, it bothers me that he has to sleep there so much and i don’t think he is very happy with it.
So in this case, i think you are making interpretations.
I was wondering if it was true that he had to sleep there that night, or if it was just an excuse not to have to come, but i try to be more trusting.

In relation to him not showing up, and if i should try further, or let go of it, and accept the fact that he doesn’t want to keep the contact.
A part of me feels rejected and thinks that this is clear, that he doesn’t want to meet up with me and that i should understand the message, and accept that. That he said yes on the phone because he is nice and doesn’t like to say no. And that i should let go of the people of that previous workplace, where i probably got way too attached to everybody because i don’t have anybody else in my life. That i need to focus on myself, finding hobbies to meet other people and investing more in what interests me.
An other part still wonders, i find it was just a rejection. If maybe he is also very shy and maybe also don’t know how to do that. It feels ridiculous whilst writing here actually. But it hurts, because i felt so good around him, he has been very nice and very supportive towards me and i got to like him a lot. Maybe i should just accept that it was a good contact during the worktime there. Or that he is just a very warm, kind person who is nice to people and that i have taken that more personal than it was meant. Or that he is intelligent, and does effort to get along with his colleagues because that is better for him. And that maybe in his culture where he is from, they have a different approach to people, they are nicer and being not so much lead by if they like somebody or not. Well, i don’t know all these things. What i mean is that, i got to like him a lot, and felt very supported by him, and now i am very sad that i don’t see him or can’t talk to him anymore. That hurts, and that will probably take some time, which is ok. But maybe, it would be better to tell him that. The whole year that i worked there, i have been running away from him, avoiding him, often not responding when he was initiating contact, but starting about something stupid about work. I have also created a certain image about myself like that. Because i was afraid and anxious. Imagine that it could be true and that he indeed does like me, then i think my behaviour was quite awful. For myself i think it might be good to tell him, that i like him, that i am grateful to have met him and for all his support, and that i miss him. And that i find it hard to let somebody come closer, even though i felt really close around him. That i felt so frustrated that i always ran away or started about work, while i only wanted the opposite. Something like that. I think that might be good for me, to learn to be more open and honest with people that i care about. and to help me, to let go of it. But maybe also towards him, to explain him why i always behaved like that and what i lovely person that i find him. Maybe he doesn’t care about hearing all of that, and i would be boring him, and he would be annoyed or find me an idiot. But, maybe i need to take that risk to say what is on my heart and risk looking like a fool.
With him, i felt it was always a struggle, inside myself, to choose for love or for fear. The fear to act normal to him, while all my beliefs said that i was just a stupid cleaning lady, who works to slow and has to do the cleaning work because whe is not good enough for anything else. The fear of my beliefs that say that i am not good enough, that somebody so lovely as he wouldn’t want to be near somebody so stupid and annoying as me. Writing this, it seems obvious that this can not be reality, but i will need some time to truly work on those ideas – which i think will happen, i am wanting it more and i have found a good therapist. That was the fear. And the love was just all the warmth that i felt for him, and to try to talk to him or to smile at him. I felt that i usually was hiding in the fear (he was a supergood worker, he is the only one who does all the jobs in the hotel, and is superfast, so i would always tell myself that he looks down on me, that i need to become superfast and maybe then he will think differently about me), and that he was starting the contact and helping me to act like a normal human being. Maybe that was not personal towards me, maybe that is just the way he is.
Ok, i am getting it messed up with this text, it probably looks very messy. But i still write it because it seems to help me to become more motivated to actually do say it at some point, and maybe somebody has some insights if this would be a good idea or not.

I’m not sure why i wrote this above about the fear and the love. I think it was a big struggle for me to act normal with somebody that i like so much. I am so sad because of the feeling that i messed it up again. I try to tell myself, i was just a colleague for him whom he say had some difficulties, and he tried to be supportive. But for me, he was a human begin with whom i felt a profound connection in a way that i usually don’t feel with people.
Maybe i should stop writing about it and just either say something to him or not and move on. If i say it, it will take a few minutes and in the worst case i make myself look like a complete fool. But then, is that the worst thing in life? Then i can probably be more happy with myself because i have done what my heart wants to do. Choosing for myself and caring for myself instead of feeling desperate about a man, missing a man, and hoping for more contact, and waiting in vain. I totally agree with that. But i think, choosing for myself, in this situation might also mean that i choose to express something, instead of keeping to lock myself up. So i guess i should try it. I don’t think i will phone him, maybe i have to wait until i meet him on the street or something, and can hope that the universe will help a bit in that to put us together in a good moment.

Ok, sorry for all the rambling, it seems that i am using this writing to collect my thoughts and that i am writing too much. I don’t know. I’ll post it anyway.

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your wise and supporting words.
Actually, 2 days ago I wrote a whole reply, and it didn’t get posted.
This happened a few times before the past weeks, the few times that i did try to write a well-thought and thorough reply to somebody. That is quite frustrated.
Right now i don’t have the energy to type everything again, and i don’t remember everything i wrote.
So i will try to keep it short. Monday night i decided to phone him. I had an other phone call with that helpline, and she help me to see some things by listening and by the way she responded to me. I told her, that indeed i needed to do something, because i want it so badly (to keep in contact with S, to become friends or something else..) and that i kept making excuses not to. In the evening, walking back from town, I met him on the street close to his house. He smiled faintly back and me and turned his head away – which made me sad because i told myself he turned his head away because he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Back in the hostel, i realised, that sadness is there because of the thoughts that i tell myself, not because that is necessarily the reality. I had actually bought myself a nice beer (quite strong) just to give myself a treat. When i was drinking it, and kept thinking about your words, I decided that i should just phone him, that i probably wouldn’t have the courage to go up to him (in his workplace probably) to ask him that. So i decided, having a beer might just be a little help to gain some courage. That was a terribly difficult thing for me to pick up the phone. He even answered. He asked if he could do anything for me. And i with nervosity, giggling a bit and stumbling a little bit, ask if he would maybe like to come and have a cup of tea with me in the hostel. He asked immediately when? Today? But then said that he couldn’t, because he had to go to his work to sleep there, he asked me how my new work was going and i actually answered honestly that it wasn’t going to great and why (i probably shouldn’t have said that, but i didn’t feel like putting up a facade at that moment), he said something about why he had to sleep there on his day off, and then asked if i’m off the next day (so yesterday), so he would phone me the next day. I was so happy, partly because i made the step, which is a good thing for myself, and partly because it actually sounded as if he wanted to come.
But, yesterday i didn’t hear anything from him. So today i am really overflown with sadness again, sadness that is paralysing. Because i am sad, because i like him so much, and i never felt so amazing to be around somebody, i feel that he is so full of light inside, and i am not used to feel that with somebody. And i felt, even though the contact often felt awkward and nervous, often it felt so real, and such a connection, even often without many words.
I know, this is how it goes in life and i will get over it. Right now it hurts and i have to let that pain be there, and feel it. I still keep hoping that he was just shy and that i will hear something from him, but i guess i have to stop telling myself lies and making up stories.
And, the other reason why i am so sad, is because this makes me think that my thoughts about myself are true, that i am nothing and that i am something ridiculous and that people just make fun of me and play games with me. The fact that i write it in this way, seems that i already have a bit of distance towards that thinking, but still, this is my basic belief in life and this comes up hard now and i have to be careful with it. That is why i have such a huge difficulty to approach a guy i like (which luckily doesn’t happen every year), because i am always so afraid that his rejection will be a proof of that thinking.

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
And thank you for being fine with it, but it bothers me a bit, because i am a kind of person that likes to contribute, here i don’t do it much because i often feel i don’t have enough insights to give advice, and also, at the moment i seem to need all my energy to keep my own head above the water.
Yes you have a good memory, i remember that as well, that was interested, i did that inner selves exercise on paper and actually had an interesting experience where they started to talk with each other, and getting things straight, haha!

Thank you for saying that i do have things to say. I guess everyone does. I guess i just like to put myself down because i can’t talk about a lot of things, and i’m not good in social talk, and i tend to block easily. But i’m probably not the only one with that. And i forget, that with some people, i just like to be around them, having much to talk about or not.

I mailed about it to a friend in my home country as well, and she replied that if he didn’t do anything to look for further contact, she thinks he is not interested, but i think that’s very easy. That’s what i have done my whole life, waiting until the other takes initiative (also about (potential) friends or acquintances), so i’ve missed a lot of sociale contact because of that.
I don’t have any friends where i live, since a few years, because i’m so insecure, so that also doesn’t help to gather the courage to ask this to a guy.

I had a day off today and tried to enjoy it and relax a bit, but i just keep jumping from one option to the other. I guess you are right, it would be best to ask it. Even just for myself, to take myself seriously enough and to give myself a chance. And if it is no, then i know it and i can stop hoping and fantasising, then i have the pain and can get on with my life after that. And, as we say in my language “You have a no already, a yes you can get”.
I keep looking for proofs that he likes me, or on the other opposite, that it was all comedy. I hate that paranoidness, i like somebody so much and then i tell myself that he plays comedy with me, which would make him a really awful person, to play with somebody for so long. And he isn’t an awful person. It could be that he just likes me, but nothing more, but then also i need to know that at some point. If he doesn’t want to keep in contact, or does in a friendly way. I think it is the worst, to keep going on in my head making interpretations and fantasies because i’m afraid…

Thank you for the encouragement. That is actually what i have been doing for so long: i have to appear perfectly to other people for them to accept me, so i used to put on a fake smile and being hyperactive, because that is what other people seemed to do. I am slowly starting to see that i can be, and need to be myself, even if that means that i am serious and my face looks serious.
It probably makes it harder that i will have to ask this at his work, because if i wait for a random moment to meet him by coincidence and get to talk to him, that might be difficult. So at work i need to have a good moment, quiet and nobody around that shouldn’t hear that – i am quite mistrusting towards many people there, i feel there is a bit a hypocritical atmosphere, and anyway, that is not everybody’s business. But i should stop thinking about it, because the more i think about it, the bigger it might become. Maybe i should just visualise me doing it, so that it seems more natural, i don’t know.
And then i am afraid that he is shy (which he is, towards me anyway) and doesn’t say anything, but then that is his responsability.

On the other hand i wonder, this has been going on for a year and haven’t manage much to talk to each other, does it makes sence to still try it?

Aaargh, and that is how i make myself crazy. I keep thinking about it, in order to avoid feeling it or having to do something, and that way i make things such a big mountain in my head that nothing ever happens.
I can choose to do it, but then, will i manage to do it as well?
I should probably stop thinking about it (ha ha, as if i could!) until Thursday, and then decide if i go or not, with the excuse to ask again for my document (i also don’t want to look like obsessed with that document, which i’m not 😉 ), because Thursday is the weekday that would work best i think, having a slight idea who works when and when it is more busy..
Because i can’t plan everything anyway, it will also depend on him. If i go and he avoids contact, then it will be a different story, then if he talks enthousiastically and seems happy to see me as well.
Pfffff.. Stop thinking about it, and be in the moment.