Hi Minnie,

You just described me to the T. I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. I’ve been indecisive my entire life (had parents who told me what to do) and am recovering from this pattern.

I have a fear of vulnerability and failure, which kind of plays into my need to know that I’m making the right choice. A few months ago, I read something in the book “There is Nothing Wrong With You”, by Cheri Huber that stuck with me – “Failure, making mistakes…the person who is agonizing over “should I take that job in Hoboken”, as if transportation only goes in one direction. If you take the job and that’s not where you want to be, you’re dooooooomed to stay there forever. It’s not possible to say, “Oh, I don’t like Hoboken”, and leave. It becomes life and death, all or nothing. She goes on, “this reminds me of early Ram Dass with questions like: “should I cut my hair?” “should I lose my virginity?”, “should i..?” And of course the answer is risk it. But the attitude of mind that is focused on this sort of thing has already failed. If you are afraid of making a mistake, you’ve already made it. You’re already in as bad a place as you can be in.” Basically, she’s saying it’s impossible to fail since we are going to learn from everything that happens. It’s our conditioned beliefs that think things should go a certain way that cause our suffering (and for you and I, our hesitation to decide).

I think it’s helpful to get out of the mind. Before you go to bed, calm your mind and ask for support in your decision. Then tell yourself that everything will work out, and then ask your heart to tell you what it feels. The mind will always find a “what if?” and “but”.

Good luck to you in finding your place! Today is a new day – we can start anew and look forward to being able to make decisions. No need to think about the past and the suffering our indecision may have caused us!

Hi Anna,

I was just about to post something similar – how to get through others’ negativity and not let it affect you. Maybe by responding to you, I can see some answers myself.

I believe that everyone in our lives provides us with an opportunity to practice compassion and acceptance for life as it is. So, in situations where you’re around negativity, like with your mom, allow yourself the space to accept the moment and see that anything – feelings, voices which cause you to want to turn and leave or shut down, are simply the voices of your conditioning or your ego, which wants us to feel separate and disconnected from others and to focus on what’s wrong.

So, knowing this, I myself am unable to practice. My parents, whom I moved back in with a few months ago (I am old enough to have teenage children), are both hyper-critical of myself and others. Nothing but negativity comes out of my father’s mouth. Before I moved back with them, I was able to have compassion for them and see their suffering. Now that I’m back, the feelings of low self-worth and negativity that I felt from my childhood have returned. Ironic because I was on a roll with self-discovery and learning to accept myself and cast off all my critical nature that wanted to judge and be separate from the world. I’m thinking this is my ultimate test – if I can find the love, positivity and acceptance that I want, I have to do the same. Accept their critical natures and not take it personally. I think if I work on building self-acceptance and acceptance for all things in my life, I might even have the courage to speak up and let others know how I feel. If they don’t want me around, again, I won’t take it personally. I believe things will naturally fall away that aren’t in alignment with how we live our lives. And I do strongly believe that our lives can only be filled with what we are/what we see.

As for the self-esteem, I’ve found lots of great Tiny Buddha articles and posts. I’ve found it needs to be a constant practice – to re-wire the brain, otherwise we will fall into our conditioned selves of low self-esteem and negativity. In addition to meditation, following a self-acceptance practice, and reading positive stories, I’m starting to get into the neuroscience aspect. This article about the brain – being a person who needs to understand how things work, it really helped me: http://www.ancientbrain.net/home/science-behind-stress-anxiety-ancient-brain/

I think we can rise above, Anna. I struggle with this daily; it’s probably the biggest challenge of my life, but one I see as necessary to be able to live and stand on my own in a life full of love. I thank you so much for posting. Having the opportunity to reply has given me some clarity.

I would like to hear how other people work with these types of situations.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by sandy.

Thanks for sharing! I can’t wait to check them out!

Hi Meghan,

I think you responded to my post – to which I replied. I’ll copy and paste it in another post below. Oh, also, you can check the box below the Reply text box so that you are notified of follow-up emails. 🙂

How thoughtful of you to take the time to share this information with me. It resonates with what I feel sometimes – that I would like to just start praying for friends. I do also resonate with the idea of soul sessions and understanding that things are working on a higher level. I really appreciate what you’ve shared! I will check out the blog right now.

Love and light to you, too! I’m so grateful for you and what you’ve shared with me!

Sandy

I started this post as ‘Anonymous’, but now my name is showing as Sandy. Just in case my last post was confusing.