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sandy

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 46 total)
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  • in reply to: Finding the Core of Contentment #49733
    sandy
    Participant

    Erik,

    I forgot to add that a lot of the reasoning for wanting to find my core of contentment is because Iā€™m also trying to regain an appreciation for my life independent of approval from my past partners. I realized that I was completely dependent on them for my happiness and as long as I had their approval and love, my life was good. Itā€™s a hard thing to get over – especially learning to be happy with the love and approval of friends (or even just the love and approval of myself). Itā€™s probably the toughest practice in my life. So I need to add that to my list somehow… appreciating the love and joy that I get from everything and everyone, not just one person (so not fair for them, nor myself!).

    šŸ™‚

    in reply to: Finding the Core of Contentment #49731
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Erik,

    Thanks for sharing. It makes perfect sense, and Iā€™m grateful that you have articulated many things that Iā€™ve been thinking. It is a tricky thing to wrap your head around. Pema Chodronā€™s book, ā€˜When Things Fall Apartā€™ came to mind while reading your post.

    I appreciate your story about your ankle. How brave and selfless of you – I commend you and hope it healed well. I have seen, as you have, that this state is hard to explain and that it must be lived.

    I have been studying eastern philosophy for about 10 years now, mostly to try and end my suffering. Iā€™ve spent a good 8 months trying to dig deep (following the end of a relationship). I have learned a lot and my emotions and feelings allowed me to discover new perspectives on life. I was still suffering greatly until I started to listen to Rick Hansonā€™s lectures on the brain. They helped me to cultivate a perspective that has lessened my suffering greatly. Itā€™s quite amazing how it has helped me to recognize the patterns that I have created in my brain over my lifetime. The times when I find myself really suffering have been shortened significantly since reading his books and becoming aware of my thought patterns. Itā€™s pretty neat. Somehow this ties in with acceptance of what is. Itā€™s helped me to better live the philosophies that I was learning and knowing, but not practicing (everything is impermanent, wanting something else is suffering, etc). I used to really get stuck in ruts, thinking things over and over in my mind. Now Iā€™m able to snap out of it pretty quickly. I used to think that wisdom only came through suffering and by really delving into it (I learned a lot, but wasnā€™t able to keep my head above water during the exploration).

    Tonight, after posing this question on the forum, I took a walk. During the walk, I was able to come up with a list of the things I want to remember – especially during the times when Iā€™m suffering. My list:

    1. Make it a point to take in the good – I learned this from Rick Hanson. The single most valuable practice Iā€™ve ever had.
    2. Everything is impermanent.
    3. Practice gratitude – list 5 things Iā€™m grateful for
    4. Let go of needing to know and control situations – trust that things are as they are supposed to be.
    5. What I see is what I am (or believe). My reality is only my perception and beliefs.
    6. I am in control of my life (contradicts lesson 4, but it is something new that Iā€™m practicing to help me to stop blaming others or feeling less-than)
    7. Be kind to myself and others – everyone wants to be loved and accepted. ** Very hard for me to do
    8. There is nothing else but the present moment.

    Itā€™s funny how big perception is in all of this.

    Thanks again for your wisdom, Erik!

    in reply to: Chronic indecision #48949
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Minnie,

    Itā€™s Sandy again. I just wanted to share with you this amazing Tiny Buddha blog posting that I just found:

    Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    in reply to: Chronic indecision #48945
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Minnie,

    You just described me to the T. I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. Iā€™ve been indecisive my entire life (had parents who told me what to do) and am recovering from this pattern.

    I have a fear of vulnerability and failure, which kind of plays into my need to know that Iā€™m making the right choice. A few months ago, I read something in the book ā€œThere is Nothing Wrong With Youā€, by Cheri Huber that stuck with me – ā€œFailure, making mistakes…the person who is agonizing over ā€œshould I take that job in Hobokenā€, as if transportation only goes in one direction. If you take the job and thatā€™s not where you want to be, youā€™re dooooooomed to stay there forever. Itā€™s not possible to say, ā€œOh, I donā€™t like Hobokenā€, and leave. It becomes life and death, all or nothing. She goes on, ā€œthis reminds me of early Ram Dass with questions like: ā€œshould I cut my hair?ā€ ā€œshould I lose my virginity?ā€, ā€œshould i..?ā€ And of course the answer is risk it. But the attitude of mind that is focused on this sort of thing has already failed. If you are afraid of making a mistake, youā€™ve already made it. Youā€™re already in as bad a place as you can be in.ā€ Basically, sheā€™s saying itā€™s impossible to fail since we are going to learn from everything that happens. Itā€™s our conditioned beliefs that think things should go a certain way that cause our suffering (and for you and I, our hesitation to decide).

    I think itā€™s helpful to get out of the mind. Before you go to bed, calm your mind and ask for support in your decision. Then tell yourself that everything will work out, and then ask your heart to tell you what it feels. The mind will always find a ā€œwhat if?ā€ and ā€œbutā€.

    Good luck to you in finding your place! Today is a new day – we can start anew and look forward to being able to make decisions. No need to think about the past and the suffering our indecision may have caused us!

    in reply to: Repressing Emotion #48944
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Graham,

    As others have mentioned, I think itā€™s of the utmost importance to just accept what you feel, at least in your body (like you said you could feel a lot of emotion in your chest). I think on a deeper subconscious level, doing so helps to remove some of the blocks. Itā€™s something you can do in private and in public. Allow it to come up and silently acknowledge it.

    Iā€™ve been practicing accepting my emotions/feelings like Onder recommends. It gets easier with time. At first it was impossible (due to years of repression), but it really is getting more comfortable for me to allow myself to feel without judging. Changing the mental workings of emotions is important and takes time.

    So just trust that your desire to feel, then your practice of allowing whatever it is you feel (in your body) will eventually lead to a place where you might feel at ease with being vulnerable. Baby steps. And know that you have a community of people on this forum to share with who you can be vulnerable with!

    in reply to: How to Cultivate a Sense of Belonging? #48224
    sandy
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom. Itā€™s comforting to hear that others can not only relate, but are/have been searching for answers on how this comes about and what we can do to help ourselves so that the suffering of it is lessened.

    Like B.Bells, I have often times (especially in adolescence) associated with those who might not have provided the most healthy friendships. Iā€™m proud to say that I do have a good number of solid friendships with very amazing people (yay!), despite still feeling like I donā€™t completely belong. For about the past 10 years, I directed my energy outwards – working and volunteering in non-profit social services jobs with the less fortunate or for environmental causes. This brought me a sense of satisfaction and I really identified as someone who wants to heal the world. (Now Iā€™m studying Oriental Medicine to really heal the world). In relationships, I spent almost all my free time trying to make sure that others were taken care of, and felt good about it. Now that Iā€™m out of my long-term relationship and realized that I have never given myself the love and attention I need, it has become my mission.

    In this mission, I realized my need to belong and socialize and have let go of the idea that Iā€™m an independent, strong, self-sufficient person. And now Iā€™m in a place where I donā€™t have friends or a social life to nurture my need to belong. Iā€™m working on improving that area of my life, while also trying my best to give myself that belong through self-acceptance.

    Last week, after writing this post, I came across the book, ā€˜Hardwiring Happinessā€™. This book has given me lots of valuable information on why I feel the way I do and what I can do to increase my sense of belonging – like a few of you suggested, it involves being in the present moment and learning how to really take in the good. I havenā€™t yet finished the book, but it really has changed my outlook. The author is a practicing Buddhist and in both this book and his other ā€˜Buddhaā€™s Brainā€™, he emphasizes that the practices he has researched and describes in his books are not simply about forcing positive thinking and wishing away the bad, as it may sound. I highly recommend looking him or his books up and checking them out. I think he has a TedTalk, too.

    Along with all the practices you all shared, Iā€™m committed to practicing with my brain, as is outlined in the book to see if I can nurture my brain/mind/bodyā€™s need to belong. Iā€™ll try and post my progress along the way. šŸ™‚ But for now, a deep deep thank you to you all, my community at this moment in life, for the connection that you have brought and the sense of belonging that comes from feeling heard and cared for.

    šŸ™‚

    in reply to: The Stars and my Self-esteem #47780
    sandy
    Participant

    How beautiful! I just posted a question on this forum on how to cultivate a sense of belonging. Your words will help me to contemplate this. Thanks!

    in reply to: Negative Energy #46442
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    I was just about to post something similar – how to get through othersā€™ negativity and not let it affect you. Maybe by responding to you, I can see some answers myself.

    I believe that everyone in our lives provides us with an opportunity to practice compassion and acceptance for life as it is. So, in situations where youā€™re around negativity, like with your mom, allow yourself the space to accept the moment and see that anything – feelings, voices which cause you to want to turn and leave or shut down, are simply the voices of your conditioning or your ego, which wants us to feel separate and disconnected from others and to focus on whatā€™s wrong.

    So, knowing this, I myself am unable to practice. My parents, whom I moved back in with a few months ago (I am old enough to have teenage children), are both hyper-critical of myself and others. Nothing but negativity comes out of my fatherā€™s mouth. Before I moved back with them, I was able to have compassion for them and see their suffering. Now that Iā€™m back, the feelings of low self-worth and negativity that I felt from my childhood have returned. Ironic because I was on a roll with self-discovery and learning to accept myself and cast off all my critical nature that wanted to judge and be separate from the world. Iā€™m thinking this is my ultimate test – if I can find the love, positivity and acceptance that I want, I have to do the same. Accept their critical natures and not take it personally. I think if I work on building self-acceptance and acceptance for all things in my life, I might even have the courage to speak up and let others know how I feel. If they donā€™t want me around, again, I wonā€™t take it personally. I believe things will naturally fall away that arenā€™t in alignment with how we live our lives. And I do strongly believe that our lives can only be filled with what we are/what we see.

    As for the self-esteem, Iā€™ve found lots of great Tiny Buddha articles and posts. Iā€™ve found it needs to be a constant practice – to re-wire the brain, otherwise we will fall into our conditioned selves of low self-esteem and negativity. In addition to meditation, following a self-acceptance practice, and reading positive stories, Iā€™m starting to get into the neuroscience aspect. This article about the brain – being a person who needs to understand how things work, it really helped me: http://www.ancientbrain.net/home/science-behind-stress-anxiety-ancient-brain/

    I think we can rise above, Anna. I struggle with this daily; itā€™s probably the biggest challenge of my life, but one I see as necessary to be able to live and stand on my own in a life full of love. I thank you so much for posting. Having the opportunity to reply has given me some clarity.

    I would like to hear how other people work with these types of situations.

    • This reply was modified 11 years ago by sandy.
    in reply to: Do this if you’re sad #46379
    sandy
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing, Tim. I think Iā€™ll go find some flowers to cut and arrange tomorrow. I never was much into growing or buying flowers until I went and visited a friend with a flower farm. I spent a week helping her and watching her make arrangements. When I got home, I began to notice the flowers in my environment. Then I went out and cut some and made a pretty little arrangement. It was so fun!

    I like using wildflowers since Iā€™m too cheap to buy from floral shops. šŸ™‚

    in reply to: Two Great Buddhist Movies #46378
    sandy
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing! I canā€™t wait to check them out!

    in reply to: Advice for those feeling lonely #46377
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Halcyon Musings,

    Hiding from myself in friends is exactly right. Or trying to anyway, since I donā€™t have any friends around. I really never did this before, so I must really be hurting or escaping. In the past, Iā€™d hole up and figure myself out and then usually take a trip somewhere or move somewhere new and find my problems still with me because I was doing something based on what I hoped to get instead of just being inspired from who I was then.

    You said you had to give up the hiding from yourself in people who only mirrored your good traits. How did you do that? Did you just take a break from finding a distraction when stuff came up? And do you think you couldā€™ve done the growing with the friends around?

    I think social media and especially Facebook, are making things more difficult this time around. Itā€™s very easy for me to get caught up in what others are doing. I over-think everything, which gets me even more into my head with making comparisons. Heā€™s hidden from my Facebook feed, but we have some mutual friends from long ago and heā€™s always liking what I post or what they post. I hate to put any energy into the person Iā€™m trying to get over, but I never know what his intentions are which keeps me, as an over-thinker, working full time trying to figure this all out.

    I think I just have to let go of all my thoughts, anticipations, anxieties, and control of any sort. Drop it all. Just work on continuously dropping it all. Beginnerā€™s Mind.

    Thank you for the kind words of encouragement and for sharing your stories. It all really helps.

    in reply to: Advice for those feeling lonely #46376
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Meghan,

    I think you responded to my post – to which I replied. Iā€™ll copy and paste it in another post below. Oh, also, you can check the box below the Reply text box so that you are notified of follow-up emails. šŸ™‚

    How thoughtful of you to take the time to share this information with me. It resonates with what I feel sometimes – that I would like to just start praying for friends. I do also resonate with the idea of soul sessions and understanding that things are working on a higher level. I really appreciate what youā€™ve shared! I will check out the blog right now.

    Love and light to you, too! Iā€™m so grateful for you and what youā€™ve shared with me!

    Sandy

    in reply to: Feelings of Inferiority #46375
    sandy
    Participant

    Dear Matt,

    I would like to give you an honorary peace award for your dedication towards helping me and so many Tiny Buddha community members find their way through this forum.

    I could never thank you enough for all the support and words of wisdom you have given me. I have copied and pasted your responses so that I can have them as a reference – weeks, months and years from now. They are like receiving a reassurance from the universe that everythingā€™s going to be okay. A comforting hand on my shoulder. šŸ™‚

    A deep bow of gratitude towards you, Matt! THANK YOU!

    in reply to: Breaking Down – So Lonely #46374
    sandy
    Participant

    I started this post as ā€˜Anonymousā€™, but now my name is showing as Sandy. Just in case my last post was confusing.

    in reply to: Breaking Down – So Lonely #46373
    sandy
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    Yes, the opportunity to learn from it and to really get to know yourself and give yourself the love you deserve is a real gift to be treasured. Itā€™s the one thing that gets me through when I start getting confused and asking why such a terrible and painful thing had to happen.

    The past few days my mind turned over a new leaf and I have been able to act on what I want in my life. Instead of the woe is me attitude, I just started doing things that I used to judge, that were out of my comfort zone, that I never wouldā€™ve done if I werenā€™t so lonely and bored. It definitely has helped. And I started reading ‘Buddhaā€™s Brainā€™ and practicing creating those grooves for good feelings in my brain. Iā€™m gonna be bold and say that my life will never be the same again since reading this article about the brain. Even if my heart never stops hurting, at least Iā€™ll have the knowledge that I am the only one responsible for my feelings. This is the article: http://www.ancientbrain.net/home/science-behind-stress-anxiety-ancient-brain/ has really helped. I always have to know why and how things work to be able to accept them. (Iā€™m also learning to stop questioning and just accept).

    Your words helped me. I thank you deeply for taking the time to share. šŸ™‚

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 46 total)