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sandyParticipant
Hi Michael. Just wanted to say that you swooned me with your post of nice gestures, genuine feelings, respect for others and want to understand your situation.
I feel like I’ve been in your shoes, but with less respect and more selfishness. I forced situations and didn’t give the other the space that they needed. I did go through the part of feeling like I hadn’t given enough, though in retrospect, I absolutely did. (I gave through care taking, which was pretty much my way of loving another).
It may be that the timing is not aligned for this relationship, and if that’s the case, I wanted to let you know that I once had someone caring in my life who sounds like you. This was 20 years ago, when I was very young. To this day, I’ll never forget how he made me feel and how much he lifted up my heart and soul in knowing that there are great, loving and caring people in the world. And that’s HUGE!
If I could know that I had that type of lasting impression on someone I loved, but couldn’t be with, despite the initial heartbreak and pain, I would be happy. Sounds like you brought a lot of love, kindness and respect to this woman’s life and you’ll probably hold a great space in her heart.
Love and peace to you. š
sandyParticipantNike,
What a nice website! How great of you to create and share such a precious practice.
Just wanted to add that this practice is great for the health of the heart and body, as well. In Chinese Medicine, over-thinking and stress can scatter the qi. By focusing on a place in the body and being aware and conscious of the feelings and energy in that space, one allows the qi to flow more freely, specifically to this area. This is a great practice for those who are suffering from grief and heartache as it gives attention to those energies and by breathing into the areas, diffuses energies that could possibly get stuck.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
sandyParticipantJasmine, youāre right about the labels. I deeply appreciate your words of wisdom. Iām printing out what you wrote to help me work on having compassion for myself during tough times.
The Ruminant. I know that feeling you described when letting go. It is the freest feeling in the world. I often wonder why I donāt put myself into that space more often since it feels so nice and everything just falls into place. Itās great that you are able to get into that space when youāre stressed. I fall pretty hard when Iām stressed and usually canāt pick myself up very easily. It would be great to get to the place where letting go can be my savior. For that to happen, I feel like Iād need a personal coach with my at all times, telling me to let go. Iām so fortunate to have you all here to help and be that coach to help me out. What a gift — thank you!
Giovanni, what you described is how I would describe my situation and the other who Iām suffering over. I see both of our sufferings and know that we both may have had issues with self-worth in the past (and present). My greatest hope and goal in life is to do the work needed to overcome my negative self-worth so that I can be infinitely loving and supportive to others. I really really wish for that. Secondarily, it would be nice to live with more happiness and contentment with what I have.
This all takes lots of work and effort and I want to commit to it. Itās going to be a tough full-time job, but Iāve been incredibly fortunate to have such supportive souls as you all are helping me with this. You are all so much appreciated! Thank you!
sandyParticipantI just wanted to mention that Iāve been looking into āsnoopingā and based on what I read, it can be a pathology. Also, if one has been hurt by someone elseās dishonesty or disloyalty (I have), one might do it for self-protection when they have a sense that the other person isnāt what they purport to be (itās always nagging at me), so I donāt have to be vulnerable. They say the pain of worry and fretting about the problem can be more painful than getting actual proof.
Some good advice provided was that everything I need to know is within me and that I should trust my intuition and gut feelings when I start to feel the need to know whatās going on. I like the idea of turning within to listen to my inner voice – something I ALWAYS ignore and donāt know how to trust because I often choose to to suffer in denial.
Anyway, never thought I was a snoop, but now I know my tendencies and putting a name on it might help me to be more mindful. Thanks for listening!
sandyParticipantThank you, Jasmine for sending me hope and good wishes! Iāve heard of that Susan Jeffers book before, and may have even borrowed it from the library. Iāll look it up again, because Iām sure that it has information that would be helpful for my situation. I really appreciate your help. Thank you!
Hi Will, thank you for your helpful advice and perspective. Iām trying to figure out that āshit sandwichā, which is a perfect name for what I get into. Maybe just calling it a shit sandwich will help me to recognize what Iām doing – AND STOP! Or as you recommend, finding something else to replace it thatās healthier and more positive. š
The Ruminant, your words really took me by surprise. And make complete sense to me. I think you hit the nail on the head with that. When I think about when I get myself into the situation, thereās a total disregard for just letting life happen. I have to know something and I think probably try to control things instead of letting them unfold. Iām a recovering control freak, so maybe itās a passive-agressive way at trying to control my circumstances. Iām also a total snoop and always have been (I should look into the source of snoop-ishness). You make so many good points… I loved your duck story and how you had forgotten the conclusion (sounds just like me) and keeping enemies close, being honest, healing my wounds, etc. The honesty thing is probably the hardest thing for me to do. But maybe if I read the Susan Jeffers book that Jasmine recommended, I can get a step closer to speaking my truth to him and asking for space.
Hi Giovanni. Your question about what Iām missing was timely. It made me think about how great he made me feel. Always supportive, always encouraging. Although our communications have been superficial, mainly about my pet, when he found out yesterday that I was studying for finals, he told me to study hard, that I could do it and good luck. Itās been hard to lose that supportive rock that I had for 9 years. Until now I’ve been in denial about what a great and supportive companion he had been to me. I had never had that in my life, least of all from the people closest to me. A crying fit this morning told me that Iām really having a hard time letting that go. I have to keep telling myself that Iāll be in his heart (while imagining the scene from ET where he points to Elliotās chest before boarding his space craft and says āIāll be right hereā.) Remembering that connection that transcends space is helping me to get through. Thank you for your insight!
Thank you all for taking the time to respond and help. Itās great to get otherās perspectives and advice. What once felt like an unsolvable problem seems to make a little more sense and I think Iāve been pointed in the right direction. Now I just need some courage, will, hope and heart.
Love and peace to you all! Thank you again!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by sandy.
sandyParticipantAwesome, Nike. I used to feel that same thing – during metta meditation, Iād try sending love out and just open my heart space. Such a freeing feeling. I donāt do it much anymore, but just last week I started re-focusing on my body to get out of my head during meditation and walks. Itās a great thing. Thanks for sharing!
sandyParticipantExcellent advice, Chad. I needed to read this right now.
And April, I too grew up with major criticism and rejection from my family. Iām 37 and still suffer from the insecurities that being rejected has created. For most of my life I hid from myself in relationships. I was never happy in relationships, either, because I was still not accepting myself. Itās major hard work to get through it, but keep trying, keep working. Even if it takes a life time, itās worth it if for a few seconds of your day to see yourself as you truly are, without the labels and perceived flaws.
When I was more determined and working hard to eliminate the awful thoughts, I was practicing focusing on the good. If itās not good and full of lifeās true beauty, I took my focus away from it. After a few days of practicing focusing on the pretty flower, the kind person, the one thing you might love about yourself, it will get easier, and easier… Check out the book/audiobook āHardwiring Happinessā. Itās a neurological perspective on happiness and acceptance and really helped me to see why I have the patterns I do.
When I stop hating myself and procrastinating with practicing focusing on the good, like Iāve been doing for the past month, Iāll get back to my place of contentment and self-acceptance. Iāve been lazy and now Iām suffering for it. For some reason, after working hard and seeing results, I get into a space where I think it shouldnāt be such hard work and happiness and self-acceptance should just come naturally, but it doesnāt. It takes mindfulness and hardwork to re-wire the brain! But I still encourage others who suffer as I do to try it! Meditation and practice.
Sending love and acceptance to you and hope you can find your peace and beauty to love and accept yourself!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by sandy.
February 21, 2014 at 10:47 pm in reply to: Toxic Negativity Ruining the Life I Desire to Have. #51533sandyParticipantAdrian, I too can share some of your sentiments about your thought process and how you view life. I had been diagnosed with ADD in College – over 10 years ago, when my life was sort of like how it is now – disorganized, stressful, chaotic, emotionally challenging, etc. Just the other day I realized that my life was kind of unraveling and starting to look like how it did in College and I realized that Iām really only in this state when Iām single. I just canāt get my life together as well as when Iām in a relationship (co-habitating with a partner). Iād really like to understand this. But while in relationships and it feels like my life is a little more put together, Iām suffering because of how this stuff plays out with others, especially during conflict.
I hope someone can shed some light…
sandyParticipantI, too could have written your post. Itās comforting to read your words on your self-reflection of your actions and thoughts. I donāt have any answers as this same type of jealousy is and has been something that Iāve wanted to understand and change for years.
I know the answer is in letting go of the contact with the ex, building myself up and getting to the place where I can begin to practice sending him love and compassion and wish him the best. It seems like a constant practice as Iāve done that, only to find myself down and out again at another time after reading or hearing about his life. But yeah, for the jealousy thing, I would like to hear some suggestions to help me better cope with my feelings.
sandyParticipantThank you for sharing that, Elisabeth. Iām grateful that I have you and others on Tiny Buddha to walk the path with. Iām going through a particularly rough patch in my life – been sad and grieving for almost a year now. I go through huge growth spurts with self-discovery – something that is so important to me, but I canāt help but wonder about the regular bouts I have of grieving. They always seem to be the same and I feel like Iām back at the start again and it takes A LOT to get back to my non-suffering self.
I wonder if some people go on like this for their whole lives.
sandyParticipantThanks, Karla, it does help. I like the idea of cultivating a feeling and then projecting it out into the world. I will try that now. š
sandyParticipantThatās absolutely true, Erik. I hope that in finding my core of contentment I will concurrently build up my self love.
January 25, 2014 at 11:49 pm in reply to: When you're tired of being understanding and forgiving #49739sandyParticipantMemm, Elisabeth and Lindsay,
I hear all your comments. Memm, until you brought this subject up, I had never discussed it, though itās been an issue of mine for a while. I used to ALWAYS let others know what I felt. Uncontrollable emotions, usually anger and frustration. Then I started bottling it up. I felt resentment doing this so I started to make it a practice of how and why am I being affected and do I really need to express this to the other or can I see the lesson in the situation and just say, āitās okayā.
Right now (for the past few months), Iāve been trying to see through this exact same problem. My ex contacts me and wants to be in touch (long-distance booty call). Since I still have feelings for him and hold on to hope of getting back together, I havenāt been able to voice my thoughts about wanting more for fear of it all blowing up and never hearing from him again. I always think that there will be some day in the future where Iāll be able to express myself to him; that future me is strong, knows she wants more, and is settling for less. I think Iām making progress in getting to that strong me, but I continue to brush things off, say itās okay and sometimes feel slighted.
Lindsay and Elisabeth, your comments regarding authenticity, inability to set boundaries and holding back an essential part of me due to a somewhat negative self-worth and need to be liked hit the nail on the head for me. I canāt seem to bridge this gap of valuing my self and my truth and speaking up and the fear of losing this person and the corresponding feelings of unworthiness. Itās a weird place to be in knowing that I should take care of myself and not being able to do so.
January 25, 2014 at 11:03 pm in reply to: When does feeling good about yourself become self-righteous? #49736sandyParticipantThank you, Matt. Youāve addressed questions Iāve had about my actions (same as Danās), but also addressed my feelings that come up when I feel my actions have not been properly reciprocated (a huge issue in my life!). Thanks so much!
January 25, 2014 at 10:49 pm in reply to: When does feeling good about yourself become self-righteous? #49735sandyParticipantDan,
Iāve been in your shoes and have actually done things like sending emails (genuinely written) to others to spread love, but primarily to cultivate a sense of connection and to feel socially supported. I too had thoughts that doing so were to feed my ego and wondered if the initial high I felt in looking for and cultivating those connections was just feeding into desire and clinging to a need for appreciation and acceptance.
I have learned two things from this:
1. The ego is the part of you that says that youāre selfish, self-centered, a bad person. You, as a whole person living from your heart and soul will seek out love and enjoying and appreciating life. Itās easy to judge that part of your, especially if youāre used to being hard on yourself, as I am.
2. From reading the books āBuddhaās Brainā and āHardwiring Happinessā, Iāve learned that cultivating a feeling of belonging and social connectedness (part of our evolutionary biology) is necessary and that we can rewire our brains to feel this connectedness by doing things that make us feel connected (duh). For years I felt left out, like I wasnāt enough, that I didnāt fit in, that I didnāt have enough friends. Then I tried to compensate for these feelings by telling myself that I didnāt need friends, that I was different and stronger than others, etc. But finally I overcame that egotistical thinking and realized that I did need and want others and the only way to feel a sense of belonging was to do things that would make me feel loved and accepted – getting out of my comfort zone and contacting friends and loved ones.
How nice to be the recipient of your emails. Sharing love and appreciation can never be wrong. I think itās a wonderful thing that youāre doing and you know that itās coming from your heart. The world needs more of that!
Best of luck to you on your journey. Glad to know thereās someone else experiencing what Iāve experienced.
š
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