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September 16, 2016 at 2:40 am #115333John CoppinParticipant
Hi Vlad. Surely this canât be the UK or US or any European country. In the UK those work conditions would be jumped on, that is if they were brought to the notice of the authorities.
Gaining a reputation as a good and valuable worker has not got a lot to do with lack of oxygen or a good working environment. You will be spending a lot of time there so have a word with the management. A nice polite enquiry should not go amiss.September 15, 2016 at 10:59 pm #115321John CoppinParticipantHi Tex. Well, if thatâs how you feel then so be it. There is another word that may help understand unconditional love and thatâs Compassion. Would you suggest that Compassion is blind idealism? Does the world not need Love? What are we doing to each other and ourselves? I would suggest that what is going on in Syria and other parts of the Middle East is âblind idealismâ. I am not suggesting you go round loving everyone in sight irrespective of who or what they are. I am simply saying that if we have love in our hearts and a respect for our fellows, then what we do will always be right. I do agree, it is an odd thing and alien to most of us, but unless we begin to understand it will all spiral into chaos, which it may already have done.
September 15, 2016 at 5:31 am #115242John CoppinParticipantNo Midnight. You must get the thought that you are different or abnormal or in some way strange out of your mind. I have heard your story so often that it never surprises me. When I said about confusing love with need perhaps I should have explained better. We all have needs, emotional, physical and spiritual. Now these needs must be met or we become introverted, self centred or even anxious and depressed. The natural expression of a need is necessary for a healthy mind. Now if you have love for someone that does not mean that you canât look to them to fulfil those needs. Of course you can. Thatâs what relationships and partnerships are about. When I talked of attachment that is a different matter. Attachment is total reliance on another person or thing. You are unable to give them space of their own. It becomes overwhelming for them. âSmother loveâ is a good example. A mother loves her child, but is continually looking after it. cosseting it, makings sure itâs safe beyond all normal caring. She has become so attached to the child that it has become almost an obsession. The child enjoys this attention even though it has no âspaceâ of itâs own and can grow into a psychologically disturbed person in later life. We all need space of our own to be us. We need to give our partners space, freedom to be themselves.
Of course I believe you love your partner. Why would I not think so when you come over so loud and clear that you do. You may be projecting on to me, (psychological projection), what you feel yourself, doubt. In fact you say just that. Itâs one of your biggest fears. Love the guy. the more love you give the more is returned. It an age old axiom.
It IS NOT unhealthy to think that way.
What I said about labels is that we are so open to suggestion when anxious. If you Google your feelings and symptoms you are making a big mistake. No one is the same and there is no âcover allâ for any emotional problem. You have to be treated as an individual. You will be OK if you can take things as they come and not anticipate. Easy? Oh no, not by any means; been there.September 15, 2016 at 3:20 am #115233John CoppinParticipantHi Midnight. Are you confusing love with attachment and need. You are obviously a loving and caring person, but you seem to want the best of both worlds and that rarely happens. Love is about sharing but, above all, recognising that whoever we have a relationship with itâs always going to be flawed in some way. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, a perfect partner or a perfect life. No way! SO, we have to compromise. Now that can be hard when we have this âimageâ of perfection in our minds.
Would having a baby solve the problem? Would it have to be the âperfectâ baby?
âThe partner is not right or good enoughâ. Yes, you have said it all. I do feel that when the initial stages of a relationship are over and the physical side has become habitual and less rewarding, the doubts begin to form. Perhaps, and I am not saying you feel that way, but itâs then we can go looking for new experiences, a new partner that will give us that initial thrill we had before. Marriages often break down after a few years because of this lack of the thrill we had in the beginning. Itâs called incompatibility. But itâs more often just the plain fact that we have got used to each other and are no longer willing to overlook the faults in our partner that were always there but were masked by our initial enthusiasm. Can you begin to see things as they are and not what you would like them to be? Try not to âlabelâ yourself.(ROCD). Labels stick and we can begin to identify with them.September 15, 2016 at 2:24 am #115229John CoppinParticipantYes Hablu Exactly! Thereâs a little poem that has always intrigued me because it is so full of meaning. But before I quote it let me say I am NOT religious in the generally accepted sense of the word, and am not trying to push religion. On the contrary religion can muddy the waters of true spirituality. Itâs so often used as a power base to influence others.
âThe Shellâ
If thou could empty self of self like unto a shell dishabited,
then would He come and find thee on some ocean shelf and say, âthis is not deadâ and fill thee with himself instead.
But thou art so very full of thou and have such shrewd activity
that when he comes heâll say, âTis so very small and full and has such shrewd activity,
best let it be, it is so full and has no need of meâ âHow many of us have shrewd activity? How many âfull of ourselvesâ? How often do we put the other person first or try and understand how they feel?
You are so right. It matters not a jot how many possessions you have or who loves you and who doesnât; itâs all about how you feel in yourself. St. Augustine said, âLove, and do what thou wiltâ. This was not a license for abandoned living, because if whatever you do you do from unconditional Love you can do not wrong, to yourself or any other.September 14, 2016 at 4:55 am #115108John CoppinParticipantHi. Charlotte. Unconditional Love is what it says. Love is a word full of connotations about all sorts of emotions. â I love my carâ to â I love you as a personâ. Itâs sexual connotations are obvious and thatâs the way it is usually put over. But, of course, there can be parental love or love for siblings, and even love for our fellow man, but NONE of that is Unconditional Love because it is dependant upon something else. Itâs usually âI will love you ifâŠ..you look after me, feed me, wash my clothes, give me sex, look after my kids etc. etc.â Unconditional Love has no expectations whatsoever! Is not bound by race, religion, creed, gender; anything. It is pure giving without any desire for reward. If I place ANY condition on it then itâs not unconditional, is it?
If your partner wants to leave you and go elsewhere then your reply is OK, do that. âAlthough I love you you have to do what you feel is best for youâ. Now you will appreciate how difficult it is and I am in no way minimising the difficulty. It really is a total abandonment of desire. A complete giving of yourself to any situation. If your love is rejected then that is how it is. No regrets or âwhat might have beensâ. Difficult? Yes indeed, because the habit of so called love has become so tainted with need it has lost all meaning.September 11, 2016 at 4:41 am #114914John CoppinParticipantHi Tammy. I am not going âreligiousâ on youâ but the words âForgive us our trespasses as we forgive others who trespass against usâ comes to mind. If by arrogance you mean being assertive then that is no bad thing especially in a woman. But arrogance in the sense of always being right and riding roughshod over others is not good.
I donât honestly think you are that kind of person, and may be beating yourself up without cause. We all say and do things we may regret and if we can make amends and feel we need to apologise then we should. But you must not believe YOU are always in the wrong. Sometimes it may harm being done to you. Only you will know that. -
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