@Jay2023

That can happen after a high day, but it’s okay. Just got to learn how to surf through or against the wave..like you said an early night and some sleep will aid in reachieving that revitalised feeling again.

Also don’t forget to commend yourself on your progress. 3 weeks NC is an achievement. Bit by bit you’ll be further than you thought. You’re not purposefully wallowing or self pitying. You’re feeling the sadness and recognising it’s normal but actively trying to carry on. So keep at it!

You’re doing the right thing letting your mum decide. Like I said with time naturally communication dies down or becomes less bothersome.

So its just boils down to immaturity and inexperience in men?

The cold facts of life are that no one is obligated to stick around and put up with the other’s bullshit. You should never get complacent becayse no one deserves to live a life filled with stress and emotional pain. You can’t keep someone waiting while you figure out what you really want from life.

Your previous ex rejecting you when you were like that, was the most powerful step she could take in moving forward in life even though she loved you. In the end it was your actions that resulted in that moment. I guess you had to learn the hard way when a woman is done – she’s done.

It is good to hear maybe not to you that she moved on, it may help you heal deep down to make real amends, re engage and express what you just said to me to her. Tell her you are happy she found what she deserved in a letter if meeting would not be welcomed. I doubt anyone would not want to hear that even if they found peace themselves.

It may be the catalyst to letting go of regret and trying to fill a void. It may help you make better choices and set better boundaries for yourself too. Just an idea.

In addiction recovery there’s a 12 Step recovery process, so step 8 and 9 includes the practice of recognising how your behavior has harmed others and seeking to repair the mistakes and damage caused during that phase directly or indirectly if it will cause harm.

I think to become better humans and have better relationships we should do this type of reflection and action taking regardless to demonstrate our new way of life. It shows your intentions and actions are aligned.

As they all say on this thread. In time, this too shall pass. On your down days stay clear of socials and find a hobby to distract you. I know whats it like opening Instagram and seeing a picture of your friends new baby or engagement and although you’re happy you feel you are losing in life. That comes from our own train of thoughts. You need to reframe them. Once you do it consistently you see things differently.

@Jay2023 was mothers day so had a jam packed weekend to pamper my mum at home so didn’t get chance to reply sooner.

When we are inexperienced in relationships we always are in the grass is greener on the other side frame of mind. However, the grass is greener where you water it. It’s about recognising the essential qualities needed in a good partnership and compromising on the shortfall. If your previous relationship entailed you walking away from something worth working with, I’m not surprised you’re in this predicament.  Can i ask why you regret it exactly, did you hurt your ex?

It could be you wanting to do it right this time is making you accept anything incase you don’t get better.

Don’t live with a scarcity attitude it makes you settle for less than you deserve because in this situation how you’ve described her, it’s clear she has been stringing you along and treated you poorly after all you did.

Don’t go off on the other extreme end either, in wanting everything because relationships require nourishing and growth. Real love is not an instant spark and when you’re inexperienced you place emphasis on the physical connection rather than focusing on who you are when you’re with the person.
A healthy partnership brings out the best version of you, you don’t stress about how the other person feels because there’s strong communication, understanding and you are able to keep a strong sense of self because you’re not forced to appease to retain the relationship. Give and take is equal. It can take the tiniest spark but real love develops creates slow lasting burn.

I really understand your pain of longing for someone. It does get better, I promise. You start to learn to live without them. One day you realise how strong you’ve been, how many days have passed and then you can really focus on further improvements within. Of course it will hurt severing an attachment. That’s normal and you have it harder as it may be with more than one person , you may have become enmeshed in her whole life as you got to know the children. So go easy on yourself.

I disagree with Danny, men and women can not be friends if a line has been crossed. If they do it means neither of them loved each other, or one still does. Also if sexual desire was involved to go back to platonic would require both of you to have fully moved on. Even then sometimes given the right set of circumstances if there’s been strong chemistry in the past you could run the risk of setting yourselves alight, if you lack control physically. So you’re better off just parting ways for good. It will heal you quicker.

Once you get to a stage when you feel nothing at all then by all means enquire about her, if you still care. But in most cases people’s caring nature is fickle as the perceived love, they stop caring if they’re not getting anything out of it. So you may find once you reach a stage of not wanting her romantically, you realise you don’t really care much either. It’s rare to find the genuine ones that still care after all is said and done.

Love will enter your life unexpectedly, when you think you’re done with relationships, when you’re in the pits, life will make you cross someone who will awaken all those feelings. But if you’re not ready and haven’t done the work on yourself you’ll self sabotage and ruin your own chances. That’s why although it’s very easy to hop back on the saddle, you should heal, work on you so you don’t screw up the right opportunity.

You’re not old at all, you’re lucky as a man you can get to 60 and still have an opportunity to procreate. You don’t have that ticking time bomb us women have.

I would say get to a stage where you’re happy being alone, then when love enters you can choose better. Right now you’re desperate and are choosing the wrong option just to fill that void within you.

Well done for owning your soft side, Danny is correct that a lot of men perceive it as a weakness. A strong intelligent woman will see it as a strength in a man because with that sensitivity usually comes an attentive, caring and nurturing partner and that’s what you need in long term relationships. Looks fade, sex dies down inevitably but if you can’t find comfort in your partner or emotional intimacy then what’s the point?

So don’t feel like @Tim1 did that you have to hide that part of you. The right fit will appreciate every aspect of you and value that, not manipulate that side to seek attention, ego boost etc.

If she contacts you again. Don’t be afraid to be firm. People treat you the way you allow them to.

If that connection was deep and meaningful then I do hope one day you get to the place where you understand that you can’t fit together but still care for her as a friend.

Don’t stop believing, you have to have hope. None of us are perfect but we have the gift of starting a new day and being better than yesterday. As long as you keep self improving you will reach a place where you soul is happy.

I’m glad you have a good friend to lean on, those who love us always get upset when we make stupid choices but that’s because they deeply care. You’re lucky to have people around you who do care and want you to do better. Hold and cherish those bonds.

If you can’t stomach anything because of the anxiety and nausea @Shelbyville once advised to @Luciel I think that a bar of chocolate is a start. Dont let yourself spiral.

Feel your emotions and let them pass through,don’t suppress. You’re entitled to feel how you feel. But don’t dwell in it. Heartbreak really sucks but you will rise up again. Nothing is permanent not even the negative feelings! X

@Jay / @Jay2023 @Dannydan

Guys, do you think I’m brutal? 😳 “cold” “hard” truths lol! I guess I don’t sugar coat it but I mean well.

Danny I’m genuinely sorry at the beginning I admit I did have a not so great opinion of you, maybe if I wasn’t in the middle of my own mess, I would have been a little more sympathetic. In the end you did the work and you proved to yourself and everyone exactly who you are and who ‘B’ saw. An inspiring, intelligent, resilient, loving and caring man who made a mistake, had the courage and capacity to admit his errors, take accountability and make amends. Then you thrived. It’s what we should all aspire to have: the drive to change for the better each day. I’m so glad you met your ‘B’ and like I’ve said before I hope you realise the huge amount of growth you have undertaken. Really proud and you restored my faith in men!

Jay, I completely understand if you just needed to write it all out to get it out of your system rather than needing advice. Feel free to dump your feelings anytime and put a side note of just venting. That will at least give me a heads up about what you are needing. Sorry if my advice was full on. Like Danny said we all choose the path we take, I jope you choose wisely. Keep us updated if you want. X

@NBC you’re welcome. I’ll keep posting as long as someone needs help and it’s within my capacity. I hope you got something out of this and are moving towards healing and growing.

I really do hope the case with your B is now closed for you. I hope you realise chewing on it for this amount of time can only be detrimental to your mental health. Just like chewing gum, can cause ulcers in the stomach. Chewing on the past can cause sores in our minds and soul.

For you I had hoped your B would undergo a reformation because you had held onto hope for so long. You did form a sincere emotional connection with him. Love on its own is never enough.

You said you don’t wake up or go to sleep, with him on your mind. But he is there somewhere even if at the back, it’s enough to make you still care, enough to make you want to dissect, because he’s made an impact. It’s usually the insidious nature of those thoughts at the back of our mind that can make them so dangerous. You need to decide if he is worth all this energy you expend.

Prior to your meeting it could have swung either way but I hope now you are fully aware and able to look at it objectively.

The only thing that matters is your latest interaction and information you garnered. The guy has taken no accountability, he is supposedly dating someone else. You deserve a man who can step up and apologise sincerely, who wants to rectify his mistakes, who wants to grow and be with you and wants to marry you. B proved in his latest encounter he doesn’t. So don’t let him take up any amount of headspace, chuck him out of your mind entirely girl!

@NBC I wanted to say I’m sorry if my take offended you or is incorrect. I’m going off the information I read.

I do recall you wrote he was intending to divorce when you met and yes there may be many variants of “married”  But in terms of my own morals or standards, I always believe if you haven’t legally separated you are still married and should honor that commitment, if not then leave asap, before getting involved with anyone new. The fact he went back again at some point indicates he was enjoying the best of both worlds but that fantasy can never last long. In the end people get hurt.

Just an extreme analogy to get the point across, if a man says I’m going to stab you. He’s warned you but you stand there instead of running away in time or defending yourself. Does that mean he is now not accountable? No, his action is still wrong. You just didn’t have the tools to cope with that situation in a better way to stop yourself getting hurt. You have had reflection now so in future can run when you see these red flags!!

You are a kind person, I know you care about him that’s why you seem to be defending his actions but to me he appears to be a mess. He stated so himself. You should always heed these warnings next time (that’s one major take away).

We have all stated the red flags were there. Why you chose to ignore them against your better judgement is the biggest issue. I really believe that you’re so fixated on finding out the why’s of his behaviour, when really you need to focus on yourself now. Heal yourself,  love yourself and build yourself in such a way you are not mistaken again!

The only way to prevent it happening again is working on your self esteem and worth.

If you had it then you’d not feel this need to seek answers, you would feel indifferent after the length of time it has been. You would have moved on, not necessarily to another relationship but just not been affected by him anymore. I really think seeing a counsellor or therapist may really benefit you.

You sway from feeling anger to feeling sympathy for him again. It’s just hurting you more going back and forth over why he didn’t choose you. There comes a point we must accept if he had been your person then you wouldn’t be where you are now, questioning everything. He clearly isn’t so why waste precious time?

Do you not value your time either?

I’m a little unsure how I can help you further, because I know analysing his behaviour is not healthy for you 5 years on, if it was a fresh break up it’s normal but so far down the road I think it’s deeper issues that need healing. I don’t want you to spiral further and further. I am going to be cruel to be kind and say I will no longer comment on him.

However if you want observations about yourself and how to strengthen your self worth I’ll happily offer feedback or my thoughts on anything else.

The term adventure clearly has negative connotations for you. I just meant don’t hold yourself back any longer by allowing him to control your thoughts.

You can take a risk again on somebody new. Love will always be a risk, and you can only risk it if you are willing to be vulnerable and go in search of it. An adventure doesn’t mean casual or not long lasting at least not to me.

You asked Danny, what he thinks about you and B, I think it’s not the same situation as his and B relationship at all, so to hold out the same hope for your B to do a Danny is hurting you.

Move on and leave him and his mess in the past where it belongs in my honest opinion x

@NBC I’m super glad my advice has helped. Yes,  it’s time to let go.

I don’t believe he was just after sex. I think he was after an escape and the benefits of a relationship. Emotional understanding, the warmth, the cuddles all the things he was deprived of in his actual relationship. When shit hit the fan he knew he had you. He was cold enough to use you in that way. He like many men didn’t understand that for majority of women spending that quality time causes them to feel more attached and fall. Whereas men can compartmentalise and remove themselves and go back to playing happy families. He clearly never had any intent of commitment to you. You were just an escape and he was able to live out his fantasies.

Him asking you are you his, was probably empty words and breadcrumbs to fluff you up.

The old saying goes why buy the cow if you can milk it for free. He used you. He took advantage of you and was opportunistic. He knew you’d offer him a place to sleep etc.

I do think you can learn to set stricter boundaries and never get caught up in a triangle. It always will end up with you hurt.

Can I ask just out of curiosity and no judgement, did the fact he was married still and not officially divorced not send red flags and deter you?

You were a single agent but he embarked on emotional affair cheating on his wife. In essence emotionally cheating on you too everytime he would think or be with his wife.

Can you see that this is not healthy. That you deserve so much more than to be an afterthought, an option.
I’m glad you knew for yourself you wouldn’t have sex with a married man. Even if you wanted to. Its just not worth it for a few minutes of lust.

What worries me is the fact you said you supposedly gave green lights by offering him a space to say. Always remember consent!!! He has no right to assume you will have sex until he has gained consent. I.e. if you have a Netflix and chill date doesn’t mean sex is guaranteed, if you go for dinner he pays doesn’t mean sex is guaranteed for him. If you kiss and cuddle doesn’t mean he can automatically assume you will give him sex. Any man you are with if a gentleman will gain consent.

If he was of sane mind as he claims or self aware enough to know what he was doing and knew you weren’t the right one but continued anyway then that’s wrong on so many levels, he is ROYALLY MESSED UP.
That’s cold, cruel and calculated. If you have room in your heart, you can forgive for your own healing but you should never let that happen again or trust him.

Yes an authority does exist that can tell you if NBC version 21 is different. That’s you. Have you changed? Grown? Made improvements for YOURSELF? You are in control of your self worth and esteem. Don’t seek validation from others.

Don’t rush your process but do make positive movements towards change. Staying stuck in hopes of the past are never healthy or good. I hope this interaction with your B makes the interest wane and you move on to find your next adventure.

The fact you are questioning why he can’t turn to you for an ego boost shows how little value you have for yourself. Come on you deserve so much better than that! You deserve to be chosen.

The reason why you didn’t call him out entirely for your pain and tell him you were hurt is because a part of you didn’t want to rock the boat, you still had or have that glimmer of hope that you didn’t want to dash. You didn’t want to give him a reason.

He is by the sounds of it a coward who can’t admit his accountability by himself. He is the type of guy who doesn’t ever leave you when he knows he doesn’t want you long term, and in the end offers the typical “you deserve better” to just look like the good guy.

He hurt you. I’m sorry you got hurt. But you know what you are in control of how you let that hurt define you. You can let it cut you deep and wallow in self pity or be determined to never let someone hurt you again by loving yourself and moving on.

I’m sorry if a lot of what I said is very blunt but I think sometimes the hard truths are what push us to level up and better our own lives and selves x

@NBC we can’t control what emotions surface for us, but we can control how we act. Yes, your action of trying to be a friend whilst he was ‘lost’, hurt you in the end. It is something you chose so that at least can’t be blamed on him even though the rest of what he did was wrong.

So we have to take ownership and not allowing ourselves to remain in situations for longer than we should. Learning when to quit is actually a really good tool to possess. I learned that the hard way through my alcohol addiction and my on/off past with the ex. I wish I had left and taken a stance and shown myself respect and love sooner.

I’m glad you feel it was even in the end. I didn’t which made me feel more unworthy but again I’ve learned not to expect back in return and set boundaries. Something I had no concept of before. I just poured and poured until I lost myself.

I agree with Danny you haven’t let go fully but you definitely are now making movements. Once you let go fully there’s no need to rake over it. But you take your time to heal, I’m just impatient when it comes to being miserable or in a rut. I feel an urge to move my life forward in a meaningful way, staying like that can just make you spiral downwards and develop more bad habits.

Double standards sadly exist, unfortunately I see where you’re coming from, men do get hypocritical when it comes to body count but why on earth would he think you’re promiscuous just for kissing??

I think he was a mess, needed an escape, found you but ended up connecting emotionally. Men do not go deep with people they just want to shag. There was a deeper connection there that’s why he is able to recall you and thinks about you. Otherwise if it was a cheap fling he wouldn’t recall your name let alone the content of your conversations 5 years ago.

Like Danny said men are deprived and he even though he knew you were not what he was looking for at the moment did what most immature men do, took advantage.

Don’t allow this one man to steal your future happiness. Do it for yourself. Love yourself enough to believe something better is out there.
Treat him like a radio he’s playing somewhere but tune out of this frequency and tune into a new frequency, go discover a new soundtrack. You may find a hit!

Never ever take this man back even if he calls around and you’re still single or feeling lonely.. UNLESS real growth has occured and is demonstrated,  that would mean taking accountabilty foremost and being mature enough to express it. Otherwise trust me when I say you’ll regret going back to only find out he’s the same person.

But he doesn’t seem to want marriage as he’s stated, I’m sure you do. That’s a deal breaker so find a guy who’ll treat you and show you how much he wants it with you too! They are out there.

Honestly once you learn to be okay with being by yourself and loving your self. You no longer NEED a relationship. You will want one only if the right man steps up.

Danny thanks for that perspective, good on you for not being misogynistic. I know if I go out with my besties bro to not to cut back on that tlc you men crave, hopefully if he’s the right one he will appreciate me for it.

@NBC here if you need further advice x