@Jay2023

What’s the famous saying “curiosity killed the cat” there’s no winning is there? It’s done now so no need to fret over an action you can’t retrieve.

It might help to write out what you’ve learned about yourself and the good you’ll implement….what is it that you think is the take away? It can help strengthen our resolve to keep it moving forward.

That’s impressive to fit in 12k walks. It will keep you both body and mind healthy. I found during the initial stages running was healing. I would say these chants “im enough, I’m deserve better” and with every pounding of the pavement hear it almost vibrate through my body. It really helped. Its almost a process of rewiring your brain to create better responses and with consistency works.

How are you feeling today? Do you have any plans for the upcoming weeks 5 more days until one step closer to normal!!

@Jay2023

Oh no 🙁 I feel partly responsible, I thought it was a friend who informed you but instead it turns out a picture on SM has been your undoing. I’m so sorry, I feel I encouraged you to not actively avoid her or actively seek her on social media but it turns out it’s hurt you and maybe a blanket ban or complete NC with her would have been more suitable. The only other thing I can say is even though it deeply sucks right now, I don’t think it can get any worse. She’s moved on, how that transpires is not your concern. However it has cemented at least you and her were not meant to be. In the long run finding this out now will help.

I’m so happy to read you contacted your GP. Jay just stop and look…you are doing things actively to move on. If you were still caught up in the fantasy of it all you’d be stationary. You’re moving it may be snails pace but you are moving. This will lead you to your rightful destination. I think you should dream about Asia and who knows you may find a wonderful Asian and even better adventure. Only you can limit yourself.

I don’t know about Danny but this thread helped me when I was very low and it would be selfish to leave when I’m in a good place. I want to offer hope, I’ll help as much as I can.

You know Jay there are wonderful women out there with hearts of golds, who would dote on you and really support you. Maybe as you mentioned the obsessive thinking and attraction for whats not good for you is a deeper issue it might be worthwhile exploring.

Also you mentioned to Danny you’re looking pretty trim,  is that from a lack of eating though? Heartbreak does two things…comfort eating and piling on the pounds or losing ton of weight! However I’m happy to read you’re treating yourself to some retail therapy! You doing so much better than you give yourself credit. Be kinder to yourself!

@Jay2023 no bother, spending Easter Sunday with my parents just relaxing.

I feared you’d feel rubbish after an alcohol binge. I think you’re doing the right thing in detoxing so your body remains healthier as the stress of the heartbreak must mean your cortisol levels are through the roof. Loss is loss and it’s hurtful but if you keep hope you can make it to happier times,  this is just a moment in your life. It will not last forever keep reminding yourself of that.

Do you struggle with anxiety generally or is it only during breakups? I know you mentioned you were depressed over September when you lost your job. So maybe because you’re struggling so much seeing the GP for medication may help you. Others on this thread like @Tim1 and @Shelbyville took them when things felt too much. So it must help.

I’m glad you don’t want to be in her life, recognising that is an important step in not going back. Like Danny said it helps to remind yourself of the facts especially when we seem to put the ex on pedestal and just put ourselves down. You need to shift it so you are the one who is up there because based on the facts you deserve to be after all you gave. This person didn’t live up to your dreams or potential, she didn’t care for you, make you grow,  she didn’t support you or remind you of your worth.

I know it is inevitably going to be painful but believe it or not you’re so lucky to be out of this toxic relationship now. Also imagine losing a woman who was all the good things above the pain would be unbearable. Although it seems it, you’ll realise soon enough you haven’t really lost anything other than an attachment and physical intimacy.

Are you taking an indefinite break from social media? Or just until Tuesday? It may help just staying off until you’ve healed if you’re struggling with facing things. I’m the opposite I learnt just letting the emotions flow through and confronting them head on makes me heal better.

Jay you’re going to get through this. Each day is about survival right now, soon you will look and see how much further you have come without even realising.

Go for walk or run it really helps almost sweat the bad vibes out. It’s beautiful day.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Sammy.

@Jay2023 Even the most high flying or intelligent people can get blinded by emotion. It’s natural with experience comes better growth. Don’t lose vulnerability though, once you do then you just become obsessed with not getting hurt. It’s better to have loved and lost then never to love.

Just by the descriptions it really does seem she was using you for whatever void you filled for her whilst knowing it was not anything long term she wanted with you. If she wanted something long term she would not have strung you along. Also be aware even though she is in a new relationship if it goes wrong she is the type to run back to the guy who would do anything for her, don’t be that guy! Don’t allow yourself to be treated as the ego boost and get sucked back in no matter how much you dreamed of the fairy tale ending. If she was the right person for you she would not have done what she did.

Any panic attacks if you don’t know how to handle them, @Tim1 posted tips for @Lucie1 if I remember correctly to help reduce the anxiety. I remember the one that stuck out the most was put your hands in cold icy water it changes your focus and de escalates your panic.

I know you will have a tough few days ahead but try and enjoy your socialising, stay safe and this thread is always available x

And Jay, trust me when I say this booze never solves the problem. If you want a beer or two then by all means do it but try not to get drunk to solely numb things, it will just make you feel worse when you come out the other side.

@Jay2023
Aww I’m sorry my last post must not have been very helpful when you’re feeling stuck in a rut and so low. You will get there and the good thing is you’re not in denial, you acknowledge what you deserve even if at times you feel you’ve gone backwards.

There was a period where any progress I made seem to have evaporated, I felt like I was grieving all over again but it was just different emotions surfacing that I needed to process and eventually with some perseverance things turned around for me. So ups and downs are usual, you’re experiencing withdrawal. It’s not easy.

I’m so proud of you that you’re willing to focus on you and your self-esteem. Most men don’t do that, they jump into another relationship to seek distraction. Inevitably they hit the same brick wall. Even though it would give you an ego boost, false sense of confidence it doesn’t give you true happiness. So doing the hard work now will reap its rewards later. I’m proof.

Have you got anything planned for the long weekend? I’m here if you need someone to talk to if you struggle.

Also let’s focus on some positivity,what goals have you set yourself? We can cheer you on and keep you focused.

I agree that constantly moping serves no purpose, eventually your friends no matter how good grow tired of feeling helpless or frustrated seeing you sad, so some start to avoid you not because they don’t care but because they don’t know how to help. Then you start to feel let down and this vicious cycle begins of self pitying. Instead set goals to push yourself out of your comfort zone. The more you do it the more you’ll enjoy even the fleeting good vibes aaand want to feel good again.

@Danny

Thank you, yes I took the plunge and officially began dating my besties bro. Taking it very slow. I have my new home to focus on too. So things are in a good place for me right now. I’m so ashamed to say this time last year u was suicidal over my loss, heading towards indefinite insobriety. Time really does heal. I’m so glad with the work I did. Ex and I have a new found respect for one another too, I’m happy to re engage with our mutual friends again and be mature. How’s ‘B’? You seem flat out, are you in full swing with your wedding or work?

A little off topic but with talk of restrictions lifting, reflecting on Covid I can’t help think of @Kkasxo, the last we heard she had Covid. I hope you are ok if you pick up on this notification. A small reply would be amazing!

@Jay2023

You know it’s almost a year since I first posted in this thread. I can recall the desperation. It was exactly 2 days before lockdown began he called time. So this weekend I had a drink to toast my progress, I didn’t think I would be the person I am today. I didn’t think I’d be a new homeowner, ready to start something afresh with someone who had always been there but not visible. It is all timing, everyone has their own. All you can do is grow and learn to take the better roads.

So thank you for the recognition and I’m touched you read over my story. It was an emotional rollercoaster and on top had Covid 19 to deal with it was intense but it led me back to me, renewed hope and faith, taught me a whole new way to do things, see things. I became a better person because of it. I still have the same abundance of love, just giving it to someone who hopefully loves me too this time.

Write your story on here, or write it in a journal. it’s never late. One day you’ll look back in amazement at yourself! I think you already have a lot to be proud of, you mentioned in Sept you became redundant and split up with her. So look how much on your own you achieved by picking yourself up going through the torture of interviews, landing a job! Yes, you went back to her when you shouldn’t have but maybe you needed to learn the hard way, and break up sex is common.

When I contacted my ex for closure there was a moment where after all was said, we had cried and he held me, the temptation to succumb and to sleep with him or feel his body even if it was the last time was intense but something in me knew that was the easier choice. It is the difficult choices that we are fearful of that end up usually being the right ones, I had to instead love myself, which meant not going back for another round. Now looking back it was the best decision and I have more respect for him as a result.

Everyone told me to block and remove everything and I did initially but I found that suppressing was harmful it made me anxious and my mind run wild, hence the need for booze to numb those thoughts. So feeling the emotions and just learning to be more mentally strong makes you better. So don’t actively seek info or avoid. Also like any fear you can run but not hide, so better to face it head-on and allow it to shrink.

No judgement here, I’ve bent the rules a few times myself. It’s impossible to live indoors without social interaction especially when your job is wfh too. My family home has lovely fields to walk in but nothing beats a chinwag with my bestie and now seeing my new bf!

Gaming can be a touchy subject but you’ve come to that realisation yourself that there is a whole real world out there, gaming can make you a hermit if not careful, my ex used to prefer that to a date night. Everything in moderation is best. Junk tv is a guilty pleasure so indulge in it if it makes you feel better!

Just a thought that came to me as I really see you improving and doing better, in future relationships don’t let this make you want to play games to have control or to avoid being hurt. You need to be authentic and vulnerable to form a healthy partnership. I reached out to my ex for closure, most people were surprised as the general rule is don’t contact if you’re the rejected party as you will look desperate, you have no pride but I did it to heal and forgive, it was the best choice as in the end I’ve taken all the steps to be a better version and I know who I am, what I want and need. I know my self-worth and what to compromise on and give. This thread offered so much insight into my behavior I’m very grateful, that’s why I love to balance the scales and give back, So I try my best to be there for others who have experienced the same.

@Jay2023

I had a tight deadline to meet and it’s hard to catch a break but I still like to take time out for change of focus when I feel bored or unproductive just didn’t realise how much I had delayed so apologies for the late reply. Lucky you, that you get periods of free downtime but it must suck when the mind needs occupation.

Try downloading a game or even watching Netflix or series during those periods to avoid slipping into the habit of ruminating.

I understand the pain you are describing in wanting to be the person for her but I think it’s more rooted in wanting to be chosen and validated more than anything.

Also because it was mainly one sided the feelings you describe appear to be based upon an idealised version or potential you felt rather than the actual reality. Some people do deserve that pedestal but in this case I don’t think she does.

Soon when that fog lifts, I hope you realise your own worth. You deserve much better than a one sided romantic relationship. You seem like a kind and giving person in a relationship. You deserve that in return.

Just thinking about how much you were willing to sacrifice and do for her makes me think she must have been manipulative all along knowing she was never ready for a commitment to you but knew by keeping you around, she could use you as a blanket when the chips were down. You may have codependency maybe because you crave certainty and clearly absorb other peoples feelings, people pleased with her and weren’t assertive to say anything or walk away yourself when she definitely wasn’t meeting your needs?

She strung you along, why would you do that to when you could commit knowing how lucky you are to find a kind, generous man, especially one who is offering stability and willing to be a father figure and take on 3 children! The loss is definitely not yours in this case. Keep reminding yourself of that.

Remember when there’s pure love but circumstances mean you are not the right fit then when one of you does move on for good, it is usually happiness that is felt above any other emotion. You want them to be happy even if it means it can not be with you.

If love wasn’t as deep and pure it’s indifference. If the love was toxic primarily you feel jealousy.

I loved my ex in a very pure way, he didn’t return that in the same way at that time, or not in the way I needed. In the end after an emotional rollercoaster on/off for close to 5 years, I realised we just didn’t fit, I no longer wanted it, love requires work not you losing yourself and damaging your own self worth. BUT I still want him to be happy and grow, I really do. I moved on before him probably because I didn’t date right away and took my time to fully heal and grow from that chapter. But I respect him a lot more for how he made amends, how he has been since, although he realised some things which could have saved our relationship far too late, he was sensible and stood down when he knew I was serious about my besties bro. We’re not friends by any means but after a year we can finally be in the same room and have small talk, we’ve let bygones be bygones. It feels so mature.

I hope if your connection was real, then you both get to that stage one day and can talk again.

You said you worry no one will love you the way you love. I used to fear that too after my ex because honestly I love very deeply when I commit to someone. But i realised I was overthinking, having  expectations. Rather than focusing on having love returned in the “exact” way i give, focus on how I am, who I am with the person. Be with someone who will take care of you, like really take care of you. I mean take care of your soul, your wellbeing, your heart. Honestly to get there you have to do that for yourself first.

Once you start loving yourself in an unconditional way you chose better partners.

In JTs famous words ‘what goes around comes back around’ so I try not to be what I wouldn’t want done to me. Once you start living by those rules overall you make better choices for yourself too.

How was your weekend? I remember in the initial period I used to dread the moments where I had nothing to do and instead of planning or filling it or learning to sit through those alone moments with patience. I filled myself with booze!