Hi @Jay2023 

So now that I have more time, I thought I’d respond properly. 

The memories! How we cling to that wistful perspective. We can be our own worst enemy. We create an idealised version of the person. In reality what we actually had was not what we imagined. It’s confronting that truth that is hard. I have one question; were you 100% real and authentic with her? 

If no, then that’s a red flag there, your emotional connection was never there. The trust and vulnerability you need for a successful relationship was lacking. 

If yes, then the hard truth is you were not accepted or else she would choose to be with you. A person who sees all of you, your flaws and still chooses you is one who is worthy of your time, attention and love. Thats what your standards should be. 

Don’t worry about filling your weekends, firstly unexpectedly things come up and sometimes learning to be okay with the silence and by yourself is just as important. It’s times like this the emotions that have been brewing inside can come to the forefront. This I know can be confronting. Who wants to face the hard truths, the critic, the sadness etc but it is an opportunity to finally pass through this wave of emotions rather than be suppressed. 

Learning to cope with your emotions is incredibly important for your long term mental health and ability to form healthy relationship connections. You mentioned to Danny you feel anxious but you’re unsure. Sometimes it’s not as obvious as we think. Like when you’re angry with someone you’ll get hot and red. But if there’s a certain inner struggle or unconscious reaction happening, you will feel anxious the only way to deal with it is to try and identify its source. 

When I used to get a negative emotional feeling, I’d sit and try to label it, where’s it coming from sometimes certain emotions manifest as a body pain or ailment. I’d write reasons for why i may be feeling it. Then I would express it sometimes that meant doing the hard thing and talking to someone. Sometimes it meant confronting the truth and the person. 

Then I learned power of exercise to expel negative energy or excess energy and meditation to calm and find inner peace. It can help with the lack of sexual stimulation too. Have you considered incorporating both in a structural routine? I know you’re not spiritual but it may help to feed the soul. 

I learned techniques to change the train of thought from negative to positive. Reframing. If you do it consistently you’ll reap the rewards. 

Danny is right, sometimes we have to be brave enough to focus our attention on other connections. Do not be afraid to reach out yourself. To be frank romantic connections aren’t the only ones that matter, you know! 

As humans we are sociable creatures we need connection. To connect with meaning, you have to practice being vulnerable and sharing your real self with those you can trust. You may already have lots of friends or acquaintances but often they never really see the deeper feelings or wounds or you. So maybe you should focus on connecting with someone who you can be 100% you with, this is hard to find i know but seeking to share a bond that goes beneath the surface can be powerful for healing and growth. Maybe that’s all you need right now. To explore who you really are, where you want to go, to talk to someone about your concerns and not feel alien, to lean on someone. If you reciprocate you can form a unique connection.

Later who knows? They often say date your best friend. As I get older I realise relationships based on a strong foundation of friendship are incredible. If your connection ends up being with a female and you develop romantic attraction then you’ve hit the jackpot. If not you’ve still won because you have a connection that most crave! 

Just to add you found the week challenging mentally. But did you reflect on the fact you have survived, you didn’t crumble. You made it through. So well done! You’re progressing without even realising. Try that exercise Danny posted. It might help clarify the memories you miss were incomplete and you can have the full picture in time after healing and growth.

@Jay2023 I understand how you feel. Overthinking is your worst enemy, I’ve been in the exact same place. It’s quite embarrassing how I was at times.

Learn to just take things at face value. Try not to over read or question because most of the time the truth is right in front of us. Its us that twist and contort things in our mind to make it seem something it isn’t and its a very hard habit to break when you have a very querying or analysing brain. I get really understand and sympathise. That brain makes you intelligent, curious to learn but also gets you into trouble.

Danny,  how the heck did you deduce that? Too right you’re wrong lol! I was dying to say that lol 😆  Jay is not at those depths, he has just lost sight of the bigger picture that is all!

Jay,  you should never need to force these scenarios if you do then it normally ends like your previous relationship has. Like we discussed previously there was an aspect of you trying to make amends for the regrets in your previous relationship in this relationship but you lost yourself.

Is there anyone on your radar or someone naturally in a position to offer you support and what you need in return – company? A morale boost from the right person can do wonders. To be frank my current bf and I formed a friendship before it developed into anything romantic. Maybe that’s a better route for you, if nothing develops you still have a great friendship and don’t need to worry along the way.

I definitely wouldn’t advise jumping into another fully fledged relationship. You are not healed and in no position (no offense) to be a good partner right now.

One thing that Danny did do right was ask himself this list of questions, he posted it a while back it might be useful for you to look it up as an exercise for yourself.

In this situation I don’t get what you would gain from contacting her, so I agree don’t do it you’ve come a long way so far, reinserting yourself right now would be foolish because you’re clearly not ready to be just friends or acquaintances so you would only hurt yourself when rejected again, and the same spiral will begin. So don’t do that to yourself.

Only contact her after enough time has passed – several months or year usually, and when you are over the romantic feelings. Just like I did with my ex. We had a heart to heart then cut all contact again, I had to change my number, sever ties with his family. I healed some more and finally we both reached a stage of peace and became reacquainted. Like I said we will never be best friends, given the physical intimacy we shared but it’s nice the person you invested so much in and still care for you can still be in touch and care about still – just like Rhaenys is learning.

Sometimes we reach a stage where the infatuation disappears the rose tinted glasses lift and we realise actually this is a person who wasn’t very good to me, this person used me, I don’t care any longer. Then you’ll naturally not be bothered by wanting to establish any reconnection. Like Danny said when time passes, you’ll realise your and others true intentions.

Finally just some reassurance, I don’t have any medication but as a woman my mood goes through 15 different phases a day lol. So don’t think you need to be happy 24/7. We are exposed to so many stressor that it’s impossible to be just learn how to COPE with the varying feelings that is the key to success. Better emotional regulation.

Morning @Jay2023

Well that’s a positive you have had an excellent night sleep. It might be the medication making you drowsy but who cares if you get some proper kip! Win ✔

I know you said you’re not spiritual and this is just a suggestion so hear me out. When you start to believe or have faith in something I.e. God or the universe etc.  You realise attachment is often confused with love.

Learning to let go of something or an attachment you are holding onto, you start to make room for your destiny to move in. If you keep yourself in a space where you feel “loved” because of an attachment then when something enters your life, something that is good for you repel it unconsciously due to fears. You then lose the opportunity to form a real union of love. You lose the chance because you were blinded, you didn’t practice gratitude.

Have you heard the story of the drowning man? He is stuck on the rooftop of his house drowning in a flood, a motorboat comes,  a helicopter etc but he refuses them all because of his faith in God himself rescuing him. Then he drowns when he meets God he says why didn’t you rescue me, I had faith. God replies I did through other means I.e. boat. So the moral is sometimes the very people we need are right there but because of fears and lack of gratitude we reject them. Because of our attachment to one thing we lose perception.

So what I’m saying is letting go has been a combination of having gratitude and then faith in the process, trust that you are going to a place you are meant for, a place that might not make sense now but will make plenty of sense later.

I don’t believe in coincidences I believe we cross paths with people for a purpose. The order of it all, no matter how painful or beautiful, was exactly what it needs to be.

You also need to remember and learn what real love is;

“Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn’t about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full.”

When a person loves and cares about you, they will give but expect nothing in return even if they are empty, they will still think they are full because of gratitude so they will not want anything from you. That’s pure love. Have you ever experienced that Jay?

Your ex didn’t give you that. My ex didn’t give me that. That’s what I want and that’s what I’ll give. Which is why I’ve let go, learned to be in the present. Acceptance.

A lot of what we are or think comes from the attitudes of those we surround ourselves by. Think Danny cut off a lot the lads for this very thing and he’s prospered. I had to distance myself from those who were not bettering me. Which is why I keep saying you need to find those people to surround yourself with that have and always will challenge you to be better and not just molly coddle or be a yes man.

It will be interesting to see what you think and you don’t have to agree at all but discussion often leads to a light bulb moment.

@Rhaenys that’s so thoughtful what you wanted to portray to @Jay2023. Yes there are wonderful people out there who want to love,  spoil and express affection. The journey is to believe in yourself that you deserve it and then accept it when it enters.

Your advice to @Jay2023 and your behaviour towards your ex shows the size of your heart. It’s nice that although you have a yearning for him you are reaching that place of peace where you realise you don’t fit but can offer him advice and support because he is a good person. So that is very mature and giving of you. Be proud of yourself!

Thank you for the hint to allow my new bf to help. I do feel a little awful now but I will definitely reach out and include him.

With your new prospect, keep it light and gave no expectations that way you can’t be disappointed. Let it be by being in the present. You might surprise yourself! If he offers to meet , do it rather than get into a virtual attachment. You do want eventually meet a man so don’t hide behind a screen for too long !

@Jay2023 yes it was one day so it’s not like you have spiralled out of control. Like I said we are all prone to mistakes, we’re human. You have to have compassion to a degree.

Einstein been quoted before so listen lol!

Establish light contact then with someone else…..what’s stopping you, if it would help?

You will get through it, got to just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. You deserve 1st place!

@Jay2023

Smack on the wrist for you! I’m just joking. What feeling triggered you to look? You were doing quite well. Was it pure curiosity that was too much, if so understandable but upon learning that information do you feel you want to be with her again?

You’re right you two are not in any form of relationship so you should be focusing on you now. Who knows what’s happened. It could have been rebound, he could be her fwb etc but without asking her you’re just letting those obsessive scenarios or thoughts eat you up.

The thing is Jay,  do you really believe she’s good for you? I know you enjoyed a physical romance but scratch beneath the surface there wasn’t much else. You need to keep reminding yourself of that.

As a person she has shown no care for your feelings throughout your relationship. Hasn’t supported you in your lows or given you the encouragement to gain emotional strength. Yet you’re allowing her to have such a grip over you emotionally. The medication like you said will not stop you making the bad choices. It will just take the edge off the feelings that arise. Only you can have the power to steer this the way you should.

I feel your pain, I really do. As much as i don’t want to see you get hurt, I don’t think you have closure, I don’t think you want to let go. So maybe you need to learn the hard way? Or maybe you just need to have a good heart to heart with her like I did with my ex.

Are you feeling lonely? Missing company? Also Jay always be honest on here we will never judge you. Will give you an honest opinion but the choices are your own at the end of the day. You should be able to spill without feeling judged, that’s the point of anonymity on forums.

@Rhaenys you’re welcome but it’s you who has done all the hard work. So be good to yourself and do cheerlead your progress.

Sorry I assumed you’re on tinder because you eventually want to meet up in person once the restriction lift. However if it’s just virtual company you’re enjoying and you’re both on the same page then there’s no harm in it.

How did I get to where I am? I let go. I stopped trying to control things, I stopped letting my fears convince me that it was never going to happen or that I had a time limit.

I learned about my needs , and now know exactly the type of relationship I deserve and want.

I reframed my thoughts. I lent on my spiritual side and it gave me hope if it’s meant to be it will be. I started just enjoying relationships for what they were rather than letting my mind run ahead of itself. When you’re present and just accept the outcome you feel more yourself and less likely to self sabotage. My new bf I just let it happen after discussing our needs and we were pretty much aligned, we started off talking then sharing more time in each others company and it naturally progressed from there. I think forming a strong foundation of friendship and communication is better than rushing in and being swept away by infatuation. My main concern was if something went wrong how would it impact my friendship with his sister who is my bestie. I think just the reassurance from her and knowing that I’m passed the phase of getting high of the drama. I want stability so I invest in that. If it works great if not then I’m sure there will be some meaning in it and I’m already aware of the mistakes I don’t want to repeat.

I think the fact my ex and I are finally in a good place really helps. It was a combination of acceptance, growing up, learning to be present. Like I said to @Jay2023 if I was single i have got myself to a place where I am very happy. Thats down to using the past year to do a lot of inwardly healing after the ex and I had our final heart to heart. It cleared the air. Everything was left on the table. Last week I bumped into his mum and she said he completed a very personal goal one we had often discussed and I felt so much happiness for him and I spoke to him.  Relationships don’t have to be toxic forever and I’m glad that after the amount we invested it isn’t all wasted and lost. That’s all you can hope for.