@Jay2023

It’s okay, I don’t mind you talking about yourself right now, I have nothing major I need advice on and I’m just one of those people who enjoy helping others. From the snippets of information, I’ve learned you are self aware to not just take from others, so you’re not being selfish.

I’m in a good frame of mind and grateful for how things turned out in my life. But I will be sure to ask you boys if I do require anything and I’m sure you’ll return. If you don’t, again I have learned to have no expectations and it says more about you boys than me lol!

I agree that having a romantic relationship is not what you or the other person would deserve right now. You need to really build on who you are,  your worth, discover yourself and what you want. Learn to be happy alone. Solitude is where we discover ourselves and learn to listen to our soul, sort through the chaos and reach inner peace. So being alone is not the same as loneliness.

You wanting to repel any effort is understandable and the right thing to do to for yourself and your boundaries.

However I think you missed my point; it is the manner in which most people do things! They burn bridges by being obstinate and lack emotional intelligence. They want to be better versions of themselves but still lack the tools to deal with emotions in an effective way.

A lot of the advice out there on dating or even sustaining any type of relationship is really damaging to people. Instead of teaching ways to be empathetic, effectively communicate and work through emotions, it teaches power plays,  passive aggressiveness and that’s why so many relationships are failing. Almost as if toxicity has been normalised!

Psychological warfare is an ineffective, immature coping mechanism used to hide feelings and avoid being vulnerable. If you can’t be vulnerable you are not being true to yourself.

If you have ever come across a well adjusted person with emotional intelligence, you’ll realise they do not care to use tactics or games like that. They are authentic to themselves, do not care how they may be perceived because they know their own intent and validate themselves. Ignoring is a tool in their box but you’ll find they will only use it when being abused or harassed. Otherwise they are direct and expressive with their feelings.

For example, if contacted by an ex they directly deal with it and respond. If they are not feeling strong enough or feel communication will affect them adversely they will not be afraid to express that they require no communication. If they want communication they will not wait x amount of days etc.

However the script out there is to play mind games to have control.

[  ] If you reply you’re perceived as desperate.
[  ] If you respond immediately you look like you have no life.
[  ] Open and ignore to look like you don’t need them.

Yet the ironic thing is if you’re engaging with tips like this in any form, you are actually giving control to the other person, you’re relying on how they perceive you. Therefore at the root of all this is lack of self esteem and emotional regulation.

So yes stick to your own blueprint that inspires better emotional regulation, intelligence, and authenticity.

I’m a woman Jay,  and gender differences do play a role also in the way we deal with emotions.

A woman in a relationship who cares will always give her all, she will try when a man resists her, but once she reaches the point of deciding to leave or let go then 95% of the time she will never look back. That’s why it is easier to move on and be strong.
Whereas men are complacent, they do not realise the relationship is crumbling, they will burn bridges and then once it is too late they realise what they lost and then only a very small percentage are able to rectify it i.e. Danny. Certain variables need to exist for that.

So yes. When a woman’s done in most cases she’s done. If she’s reaching out its most likely because she still cares and wants to be friends.
Whilst a guy will only ever want to be friends if he thinks he has a chance at banging her or reconciliation. That’s what hurts women the most, they thought the friendship was worth more. Correct me if I’m wrong about your gender lol!

Don’t just wait for your feelings to pass, try and label them and source where they are coming from. That allows you to create tools to cope in future.

Definitely looking forward to you posting your selfie and reporting on how you feel! The new haircut, trim figure, venturing out. Sounds like an excellent care plan!

@Rhaenys thank you, drawing is a fantastic idea. I wish I could draw, I’m jealous of those with those skills. My friend he is amazing, he once drew me a picture and I loved it, utterly priceless and unique. I’m good at origami though, something I got quite skilled at when I used it as therapy for calming and focusing my attention. Maybe I could put origami messages in the bottles @Jay2023 suggested and lead it to a naughty treasure (me) at the end as suggested by @Dannydan. Wow guys you really are bringing it all to life! Thanks.

I’m glad you’re sleeping better now but when you use it to escape reality it can be sign of depression so although you’ve made a lot of strides don’t be scared to reach out for professional help if required. I hope you start to experience more and more positive days x

@Jay2023 I think well done you your flight mode was perfect. If you had ignored her then that would just be childish. You handled it with maturity by responding and class!

When you genuinely care about a person that will never go away. That just means you’re a good hearted soul, I feel that for my ex still, always will.

The fact you’re so calm really shows how far you’ve come. If you had an anxious reaction then I’d say you’re really not getting over her or moving on. But I really think your indifference says it all. The opposite of love is not hate,  it’s indifference.

I’m really proud of you Jay! I don’t know if you recognise it but this is a big milestone. Are you ready for your next adventure because with some self care and loving its headed your way , you’re making room for it!

@Jay2023

The weather has been decent where I’m situated. Do you feel you may have SDD too?
Don’t worry about your dip, you should realise by now you have it within you to rise above whatever is bringing you down. You’ve have survived your dark days and found the sun still rose, so you hold onto that hope that you will come out winning. There will be more happy days then sad to look forward to ahead.

Why do you fall asleep so early,  is to escape reality or because you’re just tired?

You really don’t want anything to do with her so I think you’ve started to let go of that attachment which was having a grip hold on you. So another baby step towards progress.

Jay, I hope those you know who do that to women are not part of the company you keep!  Also of course she had started to develop feelings lol (the woman dates to marry!) She wouldn’t be hurt otherwise would she? But agreed glad his creepiness was revealed earlier than later. If she had known his true colours, she wouldn’t have gone anywhere near him. He manipulated, led her on and thought he could selfishly do it until he got what he wanted. She’s a really beautiful lady inside out, intelligent and it is her soft heart which blinkered her. But like Danny said she’s strong and showed him the exit as soon as his mask slipped and she stuck to her values. She doesn’t need to change anything, she’s an amazing woman it’s the jerks who have a lot of work to do. Quite often you will find the kindest people have higher tolerances for crap and more likely to be taken advantage of. Just like you were.

Anyway it is better to change your picture after your fresh cut tomorrow rather than today. You’ll feel even more self confidence. Another pat on the back for the new trim figure too, it’s all coming together slowly but surely. Have a lovely dinner  i need to head to B&Q for a new toiletseat and bits for the bathroom might check in later. If not tomorrow!

Wow @Dannydan, to begin I really didn’t mean to cause any upset for you. When I was typing a reply to @Jay2023 the topic of sacredness of sex reminded me of my friends situation. I really hope you are not being hard on yourself or self shaming.

First of all like you said you didn’t use any of those terms, you made it clear there was no verbal volley or physical abuse in your relationship and you took full accountability for any immaturity and mistake by meeting her to make amends. You didn’t rely on her soft heart to automatically forgive you, your conscience went deeper than that. ‘B’ forgave you and chose you. She knows you better than any of us! So please don’t be upset. I’m glad your expressing your gratitude and I’m pretty certain she is grateful for the work you did do on yourself because you proved your own potential.

Thank you for the comprehensive reply. I’m actually going to copy and paste what you wrote and send it to her. So she knows good men like you exist. Also no he didn’t make any amends or any apcknowledgement in person. Was just after sex and conquering the challenge, she is well rid. She is hurt but moving on.

@Jay2023 Everything okay with you? Are you just riding the wave of change and happier or has there been a dip? Here for you and concerned so do drop in.

Boys will be boys 🤦🏼‍♀️ @Dannydan don’t you be giving @Jay2023 any more bright ideas! GOODBYE SEX oh dear! Lol

Check you out with your amazing insight for me. I agree with @Jay2023 you do have a heart, a much bigger one than you give yourself credit for at times. Thanks so much for that, going against his wishes was what I was worried about and you’re spot on, continuous dialogue is paramount! So I will check if his feelings have changed about the matter or if he still definitely doesn’t want anything and then respect that.

I don’t think he is a game player in any way so i know he wouldn’t be testing me. His reasoning was pretty straightforward after the pandemic and what he has seen, he felt he had everything he needed already and was grateful to make it out unscathed. His work life balance is very difficult because of his job, sometimes he is on nights or on call , so I think you’re right quality time will be more special to him.

The thing I value the most about him is that he expresses and communicates his feelings. You and Rhaenys correctly picked up and mentioned him feeling excluded. Rather than just ignore my texts like the ex would have when it came to confronting or dealing with difficult emotions…  He was responsive and shared his thoughts upfront so we came up with the bbq we had. In fact he is very very giving that’s why I wanted to spoil him. He deserves the best but I want to give him what HE will be happy with. So I might just incorporate @Jay2023 and your idea with messages in a bottle stating things i value about him with clues leading onto some sort of naughty trail. Thanks boys!

@Jay2023, wow this new found attitude I’m loving, she’s not your problem anymore for sure! You don’t need to concern yourself with figuring out what went wrong because you know it was definitely not right!

There’s definitely been a huge shift in your attitude this past week. You’re working really hard on big changes, and letting go of bad habits like drinking. What’s been your driving force? You’ve really caught the bug to change. I have a feeling you have enough strength to really put this chapter behind you. By the time free therapy rolls around who knows – you might not even need it!

Sorry to hear about your friends difficulties. If you need any tips on alcohol addiction let me know. It is hard because you naturally love your friends, they have always been that constant. However your inner circle can tell a lot about yourself and affect your life outcomes too. So it’s very important you have positive energy and force around you, you will make better choices and vice versa. Sometimes when you begin to change for the better it does mean creating boundaries from those no longer good for us or likely to draw us back to bad habits. It’s all part of the process. It doesn’t mean you do what I stupidly did and cut them all off entirely. That’s just the coward’s way of dealing with stuff. You communicate you need time to heal, you then create a different space for them in your life but be firm in your boundaries and express in a kind way why things have changed. A good friend no matter how much time you’ve been away will still accept you and be happy with change, they meet you halfway. A bad friend will just ignore your feelings, not really care and do what they know.

@Rhaenys thanks for your post! I’m glad my posts to Jay equally help you. I hope you have a good day and I’ll definitely consider those recommendations.