@Dannydan Troublemaker? ME? Never lol!

I do apologise for the slight delay in my usually prompt responses. I saw the notifications but I’ve had women issues not that you boys would care 😭

I don’t even know where to start ,wow, reading that made me feel overwhelmed, can’t imagine how tough that must have been to face then to lso reopen. I just want to reach out and give you a big bear hug.

Naturally having had a shared experience of heartbreak I can understand but the feelings you described sound so frightening. I’m really happy you found this thread big shout out to @Shelbyville (I wish she came back and gave an update) I think knowing where a person is at can give other’s perspective, sometimes hope and sometimes not feeling so alone even if things are not good.

Those words are going to resonate with so many readers and I’m so glad you shared it. Thank you for being vulnerable and informing us on exactly what depression can feel like. I hope it comforts those reading who suffer like @Jay2023 (please post to let us know how you are!)

@Rhaenys was clearly touched by your post too. I loved her ending quote. It was beautiful 😪 you got that now so good it tight no matter what!

God works in mysterious ways and I know you had this conversation with @Shelbyville in reference to the concept of journeymate. I think you really derived more meaning from that concept than any one of us would. Two souls don’t just cross paths by accident, I am spiritual and God sent her for you. Her reason was greater than you recognised at first, you always knew this deep down, and when you started paying attention to your own soul. You realised that you weren’t a fuckboy, you weren’t a player. You weren’t just meant to meet and touch each other like pervs 😝 your souls went one step beyond and the love was powerful enough to motivate you to do the self work and have a true awakening that pulled you out of the darkness.

Your ego, depression, anxiety were all conquered when you decided to fight for her. So you have the grit to fight the remnants of this disease that you described as insidious. You can find the tools to cope because you already harnessed your fear once before with great courage when you made amends and then loved her with the wholeness you have. So keep loving, believing from that place.

What struck me the most was how in all this struggle and pain you still wanted to take accountability and didn’t tell us those feelings that were haunting you. So in one sense you didn’t let the depression, heartbreak, anxiety be an excuse. You faced the consequences of your behaviour even though they weren’t from a place of evil just a place of you being lost and hurt.

I think admitting it and facing it head on is going to really change a lot for you. You’re determined and you are willing to change. I can’t say this enough but I’m so proud of you Danny

I’m more proud that you don’t feel like a weak man for expressing your emotions. I’m proud you’re able to admit that darkness was depression. If those fears troubles you to that same extent. I feel you will reach out and seek help. You really have come an extraordinary long way. Well done!

I’m excited and rooting for you and ‘B’, she is amazing and I know she is very loved too. I’m probably just as excited to see you cross the line and celebrate your union by popping the Cork🍾 and the cherry 🍒. Lol! Roll on wedding fever!

@Rhaenys darling you’re doing great too! I’m glad Danny grew on both of us. It was a very useful insight, that you never really know what’s happening inside a person psyche. That’s why communication and expression of emotion is so vital for sustainable relationships.

I also want to say I didn’t have these layers,  I had addiction, I had the initial anxiety and feeling of I’ll never survive and wanting to commit suicide but I snapped out of that relatively quickly at that time because there was a poster Dose of Reality who sadly was terminal and said a lot of hard truths, there was initial shame but it just happened to resonate with me. I returned back to my faith with it being the pandemic and the self pitying began to lift because it is draining!

So I worked hard on my inner self and there were times I felt I was going backwards and I did slip thankfully this thread and my bestie helped me. I just wanted to do better, be better and have a better relationship that I knew I deserved. I can be very straightforward but I love from a very deep place and I realised that I wanted a person to love me unconditionally too. I realised I already had that person and that person was me.

Once you start self loving you appreciate and have gratitude for the right people. Just like Danny he had to look inwardly before he could accept ‘B’s’ love otherwise they would be in a continuous loop and toxic. So keep doing work. Work never ends x

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Sammy.

Hi @Rhaenys

Sorry you had such a downer of a weekend. I think like I tell the boys you need to really work on the self esteem. It’s okay you went on a date and didn’t quite feel it. If he is doing things to make you anxious then it’s okay to say NO. It’s great you have maturely communicated that across to him and said so rather than ignore. Don’t feel like you have to settle, stop listening to people who make you feel crap for not being in a relationship. Everyone has their own timing. What you need to work on is YOU and building your worth, learn to not expect everything from a person either, if you go back pages I wrote a post to @Jay2023 about hope and expectations. It applies to us all.

Yes in my crisis I pushed everyone away, I went on a cutting rampage. I felt bitter and angry, became obstinate it was at a time where all i felt was self pity and some people deserved to be dropped but some there was a lack of communication with so I have since apologised and made amends. You have to be careful that you don’t go to the extremes when creating boundaries otherwise you will end up isolating yourself and hurting even more.

@Rhaenys love will always require a degree of risk. That is why you have to learn to be okay with being vulnerable. If we stay closed off to protect ourselves we will never allow real love to flood us. When you have enough self love or esteem alongside vulnerability, and for some reason it doesn’t work out, you should love yourself enough to not let it change who you are and impact you in a negative way for long.

We can use our past experiences as lessons to not take certain actions or spot red flags and we also need to be in the moment that we don’t completely self sabotage. There’s a very fine balance needed. It’s not good to be an extreme of either. Too in the moment makes you impulsive and unaware of the consequences of your actions. Too living in the past makes you miss out on what you deserve and the baggage weighs you down.
Initial thoughts were he like majority of men during pandemic was bored and lacked stimulation so had no intention to meet. But he made an effort to meet you so you have to give him some credit.

However if this guy is consistently tardy or letting you down with communication and that’s giving you anxiety just call it quits and tell him that. BUT even if he was playing games you can CHOOSE to be mature about it, don’t be hypocritical and choose to ignore addressing him because that very same thing hurts you, so don’t do it to others.

Just communicate and say these are my needs , you make me feel x and I feel my needs are better met elsewhere. The way a person behaves in conflict situation is actually a mark of their character, how emotionally stable and mature they are.

It’s fine if after dipping your toes in the pool for the first time, it didn’t work out. Just keep learning from it and growing. It will happen when it is meant to.

Don’t fall into the trap of needing to play power games to get someone. Love is not meant to be like this. Just be YOU and if someone doesn’t understand or accept you as a person it is their loss. Don’t go into any relationship with FEARS it will cloud your judgement.

@Jay2023

I’m glad to hear from you. I thought as much after reading your last post and that is why i was concerned.

You are going into your shell but you need to keep channels of communication open even if it feels challenging. Because whether you have a diagnosis of clinical depression or not – isolation is dangerous it will cause a spiral of negative thinking.

Feeling ashamed, feeling shit about yourself is not needed.

You need to take action Jay, you need to not just mask over things with distractions. You need to really connect and engage with people who really care about you and haven’t given up and want to listen openly, so don’t push them away. We always end up pushing away the ones who want the best for us instead of taking them up on their offer to be there.

If they didn’t care they wouldn’t bother. So no matter how conflicted your emotions are don’t just sit their passively waiting for them to wash over you, you have to confront them too. If you’re feeling confused talk it out and talk it out some more. Ignoring something will never make it go away. It will just brew inside you leading to anxiety and one day explode into other health problems.

The urge to back away, to shut off and isolate is expected. But this isolation, in turn, only feeds depression and makes it worse.

@Dannydan and I will support you but having irl support is very important too. Just like when I was drinking @Shelbyville and @Tim1 were a godsend but i needed people irl to back it up too.

Do you have people who care and want you to be happy to whom you can share how you really feel, be open and not feel judged? Because it’s time to swallow the pride, the negative self critic or view needs to be hushed. So accept the help if you really want to improve your happiness. Life will put people in our lives for reason You don’t have to just survive you can thrive from all this.

Why have you gone into your shell? What are the confused feelings Jay? What is your inner critic having you believe?

Do get back to us, as hard as it may be. I try not to get frustrated by you opening up and shutting down because I understand there’s an internal battle happening but people care about you Jay, you can overcome this by accepting the hands reaching out. In the end it is your choice x

@Dannydan you don’t have to keep thanking me!

I may have given you the directions but it is YOU who took the right steps for yourself. Forgiving yourself is just as important as forgiving others. So well done 👏  You are not a coward, you’re able to face up to the consequences of your action so take from that and continue your growth.

Let me know what therapy is like. Something I couldn’t bring myself to do lol

Just like for men you feel you need purpose and to be the providers and protectors . As a female we attach too early, it’s something we are naturally wired to do.

I also happen to innately care deeply for those I become invested in, that is why I get worried when you or @Jay2023 go silent. It’s instinctive. However I’m learning and growing too. So if you boys don’t respond i know TRY to see it as a reflection of YOU and nothing about me not being helpful or supportive enough lol.

You and ‘B’ are great for each other, I’m so glad you feel you can be yourself now. Those lads really added nothing to your growth, so good for you in breaking away from negative influences. Be proud and I’m sure ‘B’ and her friends and yourself all felt good supporting and being a voice for the oppressed. It’s such a desperately sad situation. My bf being a medic is often upset by the crisis and humanity too. I love his expressiveness and ability to share these emotions so I’m sure ‘B’ appreciates your softer side.

Also just to add a slow burn is WAYYYY more likely to create lasting warmth and love.

If I had chased the sparks again, I’d not have given my bf a chance. I’d have lost out on the best relationship by far.

People chasing instant sparks and wanting to jump each others bones are wanting some sort of Disney love lol. They give up too easily on what could be a lasting connection looking for sparks. Because at the end of it all you want to have someone by your side who will be your biggest champion. To find this type of relationship you want someone you are at least a bit sexually attracted to, who makes you laugh, enjoy their company and click with. Then build the romantic attraction which comes with mutual respect, affection and loyalty. Unfortunately most of us have to learn this the hard way by dating idiots and being hurt and going on an endless search for the sparks or bust!!!!

Let the wave of productivity thrust you forward after a heavy period you are doing great!

@Pushhpak thanks for your post. Not sure who it was addressing but applicable to us all!

Boys @Dannydan and @Jay2023 hadn’t received any notifications so logged in today but seems you are both AWOL . Are you both doing okay? Just busy I hope and not stressed! Do let me know how you are and if you need any further help.

@Rhaenys you’ve come such a long way. Well done you! You’re learning self love because you’re setting boundaries and doing things that make YOU feel good not over extending to appease others. Don’t go to far the other way as I always say. I ended up becoming a little bitter, obstinate for a while and just cut everyone off, you need to keep that compassion you have and just set better boundaries. Going to sound like a broken record but it pays to never burn bridges.
Glad that tinder match hasn’t hampered you in anyway. Chalk it up as experience. No body i mean no body should make you feel depressed!

If that’s happening it’s time to take back the reigns and practice self love!

Good luck on this journey, with patience you’ll realise solitude is not the same as loneliness. You will realise you want people who uplift you, add to your happiness and you’re capable of being happy alone. Whatever is meant to be will reach you.

@Dannydan

Aww thank you. I’m in a good place so happy to help you. I would let you and @Jay2023 know if I felt otherwise so don’t worry.

It’s okay to feel fear of the unknown. But it’s not okay to let that feeling rule you. Shrinking the fears can only be done by confronting them and not running. Being proactive in action!

So some hard truths now. Yes you’re right you could get married and end up divorced. Look at Bill Gates and Melinda. You could lose her to illness. You could be cheated on. There are so many hypotheticals.

But if you’re AFRAID TO LOSE HER you’re not really loving her from wholeness. Think about it, you’re not giving her authentic no strings attached love which is unconditional love. You are saying I’m so afraid of losing you. Instead of I love you, and I’m confident in my love for you.
So definitely need to get a tight grip on the remaining fear so you can submit to the loving her from a place of wholeness. You’re almost there, tell yourself that YOU not being the man you’re capable of is more important than fear of losing her. By working on bettering yourself it will improve your self esteem and act from place of confidence!

I don’t know what @Jay2023 thinks but the house idea I’m not sure. First of all is it your money being used to purchase or both? If it is both of you contributing then don’t do it! I’d want a say in where my money goes. That would be very wrong to do without consulting her Lol

If it’s all yours and you want to gift the home then wow! That’s a big gesture I mean if my fiancé did that I would be very touched, but you just need to make sure it’s somewhere she would want and appreciate. It needs to feel homely and have the right vibe. Maybe you could go for a viewing together,  not comment much and gauge her reaction. If she’s keen then you act uninterested and then surprise her. It’s such a big purchase that you can’t really undo. So tread carefully and go with your heart.

I think you’re really stepping up for her and I’m so glad her giving nature is rubbing off on you. That’s how it should be you inspire each other to be better. I’m so proud of you Danny for really working on things. It’s not easy I know but it will make your love stronger.

Slightly jealous of these weekly flowers and doughnuts too! But B deserves it! You’ll definitely be in the good books and in for treats of your own very soon 😉

@Jay2023 darl I hope you’re okay, sending big bear hugs! Just tag me when you need me x

@Jay2023 and @Rhaenys

Self esteem or confidence that’s determined by the opinions of others is precarious; it can just as easily be given to us as it is taken away. So I am glad you both are not looking to fill voids and that you don’t need to resort to those measures to feel confident within yourself. It’s a step forward in self loving and healing.

Besides the fact that in the long run using apps for validation can make you feel worse, you might also be leading people on.
If you are going on with lingering vibes from your last relationship without healing first. You can’t fully commit to another person and be capable of having a healthy relationship.

To avoid being hurt ot hurting others, only chat with people you’re on the same page with i.e. both happy with a casual encounter etc or with someone you’re genuinely interested in and you can avoid deceiving them.

Rhaenys you found out the hard way that you were just being led on. Sorry you had to go through that. If he was genuinely interested in building on the connection he would meet you and be equally invested. Danny is right, most people especially men have been bored and lacking that stimulation so are using people. Don’t take it further, he had his chance and showed his colours. You deserve more than to be strung along for months. Time is valuable. Maybe try a different app when you are ready for something serious, some like Tinder you’re more likely to find those in search of casual encounters and there’s a higher percentage of finding the wrong uns.

I believe when you and @Jay2023 really have found yourselves within. Something will present itself naturally. Look at me, my besties bro had been on the fringe all along, I never saw him as a romantic interest but then one day it all just fell into place. He adds to my happiness and finally my needs are being met. It took pain and struggle to figure out what those needs were and who I was. So keep believing. Oh @Jay2023 I remember you saying it’s your exes birthday in May too, how do you feel about that now?

@Dannydan
I’m in a very good place right now after a very long time. The on/off nature of my last relationship naturally led to an addiction to him but like any addiction it ravaged my soul, confidence, body and mind. So was a hard road but to have a man who just steps up, spoils me, is expressive has been beautiful to experience. I’m trying not to get ahead of myself because it is still the honeymoon phase and I don’t want to have expectations and then be disappointed but at @Jay2023 personalised idea really did cement our relationship, I can if i allow myself see a long term future. Oh and of course I did what you suggested at the end of the message trail 😉 which also went down a storm! Alot of barriers were let down last weekend and I feel great !

Awww thanks, I know what you mean, when you just connect with someone, you do develop an affection for them even if they are a stranger. You feel understood and seen, not so alien! I’m glad you found that in me. I’m really touched and like I said I’m rooting for you and ‘B’ it’s a really heartwarming tale and I’m looking forward to you two beginning the married life chapter.

I think it’s fairly obvious physical touch is up there for both of you 😉 maybe acts of service is another one for her? Maybe ‘B’ needs you to do that more to feel appreciated. Eg. instead of her chasing up a wedding query you do it on your own accord to make her see this is an equal partnership and she’s appreciated. Us women want you to WANT do it yourself not tell you what we want! Lol

Oh Danny you will hate me but didn’t you just promise ‘B’, you wouldn’t keep things from each other even if it’s to protect one another and instead would deal with them together?

Maybe you should tell her what’s happened, she will have a better understanding on what’s caused some of the resistance around the wedding events (other than you being a typical man🤦🏼‍♀️).

I have friends who are in interracial marriages and experienced something similar it is difficult navigating but they’ve always had each others back.

It is actually so selfless of you to not voice your hurt because you know she’s a family girl and you don’t want to cause any internal conflict for her so are putting her first. It makes sense now why your insecurities have surfaced again! But she seems to be very sensitive and perceptive, hence detected possible resentment so explaining things to give her will give her a clearer picture and do you both good. You don’t have to play victim, just express how it made you feel. Also you must remember not everyone will like you but she LOVES you and CHOSE to spend the rest of her life with you. That’s all that matters.

You are good to her, you have a bond with her immediate family. She will value that and she will have your back. I think she already does that’s why she said I feel pulled in all directions. You just need to reassure her too she’s your first priority. I think that’s all she needs to hear.

@Dannydan that’s karma for mocking those ladies literary efforts and feelings. I kid! Lol. Writing is very therapeutic for some especially women and it indicates they are engaged in conversation but like everything there needs to be a balance!

So much can be misconstrued in written text without tone and body cues. Nothing beats a good old fashioned heart to heart in person.

I want to say I’m here for you and @Jay2023 (I got invested in your boys journeys ☺) and sorry if it seems I’m distancing myself or slowly fading out. It’s not that it is just difficult to tell if you boys want me to continue conversation or just reply when toy need only. It’s no fun taking time out to put a post together and it’s not what you needed. So that’s why I said it would be easier to just message me and tag me so I’m not looking out for updates and I’m not annoying you or @Jay2023.

Anyway, Oh Danny, that sounds like a very emotional reunion. Sometimes following the arbitrary rules is needed and sometimes there’s a time to do what is instinctive.

I think after the events of Monday you instinctively knew that leaving it longer was not in either of your best interests or what she really needed. That proves you do know her better than you give yourself credit for. You also recognised he behaviour was out of character so although you made mistakes don’t be so self deprecating.

I think us women are wired completely differently to you men and it requires effort and patience to figure each other out. We will fail our partners in our relationships, even when we don’t mean to do it.

Sometimes, when we fail, there is no immediate fix. We can only recognise where we’ve gone wrong by being self aware, be humble enough to reach out apologise and make amends and most of all work to be better the next time. Both of you definitely are willing to work at it, you respect your commitment to one another and that’s what will make your love grow stronger.

You’re so blessed to have a partner who forgives your shortcomings, and still loves you. It is up to you to not take that for granted. Keep showing her in ways she appreciates how much she means.

I think the reason why you have managed to sustain this relationship without sex, is because she really understands your love language. Remember you thought it was sex you needed but you must realise now physical touch independent of sex is highly effective – so kissing, cuddles, the way she holds your hand is actually what is meaningful to you and she expresses that so well to you. I think you need to really understand what her love language is too. It might be a combo but explore it in order to express your appreciation in the best possible way.

I understand you don’t want to reveal what ‘B’ has told you in confidence but reading between the lines, I sense that something is not well with her and I’m so sorry to hear that and will say a little prayer for you guys. All you can do now is be strong Danny. She needs you.

I get your disinterest in weddings, I know you men don’t understand the fuss but for her try a little harder, do something special that she isn’t expecting or has arranged herself. It will make her feel you are invested.

Also the family thing, I think you’re letting insecurities overrule here. You feel you’re not good enough for her still so it wouldn’t surprise me if you feel pressured to perform in front of them. Just be you. She chose you and she clearly accepts all of you. Let go of the idea you’re not enough otherwise you will do what you did the first time just sabotage it. You can’t keep expecting her to reassure you because it will one day come to a head if you’re doing it excessively. Resentment sets in. You want her to feel like a partner not a therapist or mother. So I think you should take a leaf out of @Jay2023 book and get therapy on this issue and dealing with fully healing the wound left by your ex and ex mate.

I’m sure @Jay2023 can cast his own light and offer a male perspective and ideas. If I think of anything else I’ll let you know.

Don’t hold onto this mistake and rake over it. It’s done and forgiven. You should now focus on growing from it and making full amends with her.
For now after work, do something special or fun. It’s been a heavy week. Release those happy hormones and remind each other why you belong together ❤

I will always root for this relationship because I see how much you want to grow, how much you love her and I see that she is an amazing woman who isn’t willing to give up on you. So don’t you dare give up on her. What you have is rare. Most people discard each other even when being together for years because there is never any solid commitment to keep working at the relationship and growing together in the first place.  X