The day after my last drink binge was horrific. I never want to experience that again. Enough to put me off for life.

Today I just feel very very anxious like I needed to put up a front because my friend and her husband have gone beyond for me. I didn’t want to let them down. So I asked for them to drop me back to my own place. My friend was really sad but respected my choice. I’ve agreed to facetime them at certain points of the day so.they know I’m surviving. I don’t think at least I hope I don’t ever go to the depths of those dark thoughts again. It was difficult being around them it wasn’t making me deal instead I was faking a smile and front because the guilt of troubling them at this time. This was exhausting.

Being around them also made me jealous. I wanted what they had. They were very conscious to not be overly affectionate with each other in front of me but I caught them a few times. I feel like ill never have that again and it made me sick. I had to get out of there.

I’ve cried today not the loud screaming cry but the painful tears which trickle down and show no sign of stopping. It dawned on me I had put too much into this relationship and it was really over. He is never going to change and if he loved me he would have for both of us instead he chose to walk away every time we met a crossroad rather than work hard on the relationship . He ended it 4 times. It took 4 times for me to finally realise this, where was my self worth? I miss him terribly but I’m angry he did this to me too. That is what I need to recognise and I’m starting to rather than holding onto some foolish hope of reuniting. It is bin day tomorrow I gathered all the stuff he had given me as I looked over them , the memories made me think was it all a lie? So I wanted to know @shelbyville or anyone did you throw out the stuff your ex gave you? How soon? Did it help to move on or not have a constant reminder?

I feel blindsided, I felt he had changed and was going to propose. I’m so angry not at him but myself. 4 years these days is a lifetime together yet I still wasn’t good enough for him. The state of the world today makes me feel life is short… Should I be grateful he chose to finally end it when we could have carried on years going back and forth. By then I would have lost so much time and been a bigger wreck? I have the opportunity now to rebuild and find someone who does want me. So many emotions swirling in my head. I just wish there was a switch to turn them all off.

Thank you so much @genie and @shelbyville, I appreciate your feedback.

It hurt like hell yesterday. His scent lingered on the duvets so I had to wash them. His toothbrush was still in the bathroom so in a moment of anger i rubbed it the toilet. How could he do this..hoping to punish him then it dawned on me he wasn’t coming back and if he was I wouldn’t do that to him. So i curled in a ball on the bathroom floor and sobbed for an hour until the phone rang. I ran hoping it was him but my heart shattered into further pieces when it wasn’t. So I turned to the bottle again.

Today I just feel sombre. The tears are dried up. I feel like im in a thick fog I can’t see clearly and find it too much effort to push through it.

I’m worried the drinking is becoming a crutch in itself. The thought of going sober and being alone with all of my thoughts scares me but so does the idea of becoming addicted to it. The good thing is with the state of the world I’m running out of supply and with my anxiety there’s no chance of leaving to stock up. So I’ll have no choice but to sober up.

This crisis has it’s own weird positives in the sense when I get fleeting moments of clarity I too think the man I loved just up and left me without looking back. It wasn’t a mutual decision. It wasn’t discussed. He said his piece which I realise for him would have taken a lot but just like the communication throughout the 4 years he chose to avoid proper discussion. He didn’t give me time to adjust, respond or check how I felt about the situation. He just walked away.

What you are saying about loving myself is true. I’ve never had anyone appreciate me. I’ve always felt like the weakling in the family dynamic. I always felt anything I did didn’t meet others expectations. My worth has always been low.

@shelbyville I noticed you are still in touch with your ex…..is there still a chance for a reunion? Do you feel you and I can be the very few that make it work? Or am I really the desperate, needy woman who has lost who she is in what was most likely another form of addiction. A drug which made me feel better about all my insecurities. Made me mask who I really am and avoid facing the problems within me?

My friend who rang me again last night to check I was coping is incredibly clever and studies psychology. She said Sammy I didn’t mean to hurt you but I cant lie to you either, you need to hear it. She said what I thought was love wasn’t real love. She said when you are in real love with a person you are able to find peace in letting them go and no matter how much you want them your primary concern is their happiness. She said very few people experience or love in that way. It was unconditional.

She said real love doesn’t send you to therapy because you would either be in it or at peace without the person. This hit home.

She said I was addicted. What I was missing was the habit of having that person around, the safety and the idealised version I had in my head of our future together and dreams. I wasn’t missing him I was grieving the loss of those. If I was to look at the relationship properly I was happy to live off the crumbs of his attention even though he didn’t fulfil my needs at all but eventually the desire to realise those ideals would creep in and cause the issues. We were fundamentally not right for each other. She said it was all rooted in my attachment as a child. Is she right @shelbyville after years of therapy do you feel this is correct? All this time I think I’ve been in real love but how could I be if I don’t even have enough love for myself?

My thoughts are swinging from disgust to just desperation as I ring him frantically hoping he will pick up wanting answers. I can’t see my way out. I don’t see myself surviving this pain.