@Michelle

One thing I’ve learned from my relationship and @Tim insight is that it is easy to fall in or out of love. The long-lasting relationships are not based on the love you had in the beginning, that love itself is not enough. When two people genuinely care for one another they want to be there for the person regardless of what they might go through- through thick and thin. They are on the same page, they work through whatever comes their way. That working through is an action! That action is love. That type of love requires commitment. So real love is honoring that commitment to keep the love burning, trusting, and being loyal. You are choosing to stay in love no matter what.

Some people have difficulty committing even when they love someone with all their heart. So without the commitment, I would not call it true love needed for a healthy long-lasting relationship. My ex loved me at one point in his own way but he never committed as I did hence we are not together. When you commit you are saying I’m willing to risk it, I’m willing to do anything to keep us together.

Being platonic friends is not real love, because you are willing to date others and find love elsewhere, it is saying you are an option, I’m not 100% all-in. If you think you will regret closing the door then to make it work and keep it as an option, you will need a healthy boundary to put distance between you so not talking daily, not being each others main emotional support, etc.

“Pseudo platonic friends” will get you into trouble, the chemistry will not change, you will talk daily, you will become more emotionally attached, your needs will then seep out. You may go on dates but one of you may hold yourself back but the other may find love. Are you prepared to do that to yourself after becoming more attached? Is this all worth the pain if you both are not on the same page, you both can’t commit to stay loyal and see this through to the end?

I think Tim (where are you by the way???!!) would say where is your self worth? Why are you not believing in yourself? You deserve someone who is all in. So if he isn’t committing to keep you and fight to be together even with the distance then move on. Let go of the security blanket. You admitted you are not caring for yourself, lost motivation, a good relationship should not drain you. Love your self. I think Tim would say that.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Sammy.

@Michelle

It is a tough situation because you have no issues between yourselves, you have a deep bond, staying in contact allows that glimmer of hope but will it close you off from trying a new relationship? If it will not then keep the door open, you may beat the odds and reconcile if you have chosen to be platonic and date others. It would be silly to put all your eggs in one basket in that scenario.

It is sad if COVID didn’t happen you would have gone down a different path with him. But it is best to accept the situation for what it is currently. Talk but keep some distance otherwise your attachment will naturally deepen and if the worst-case scenario happens down the line it will make the pain worse. Maybe ripping off the band-aid may be a better option now.

It’s hard but choose whatever you feel is best, there is no right or wrong.

I do believe if you actually want and love each other then you can make the best of a long-distance relationship. True love can survive distance, my grandparents spent 5 years apart but their love never waned. They had nothing but mail, now we have so much more access to one another, if you and your partner truly love each other then you will understand the amount of willingness and continuous commitment it requires to stay in a relationship with someone and not be moved. Long-distance has never been a barrier to having healthy relationships, it’s just harder and requires trust and commitment but is do able.

Think about that, are you both willing to fight for the love, if not then move on.

I hope things get easier for you.

@Tim I read your post …so much to discuss, will write up a reply but I will give the space so @Lucie post can be picked up, I feel so sad for her :*(

@Michelle

I am so sorry to hear you are going through heartbreak. Although I am in no way out of it, I can attest that the initial pain you feel will definitely ease. It must be even more difficult for you considering there doesn’t seem to be a major issue other than distance.

The best thing to do is keep busy, throw yourself into work, binge watch a tv series, call all your support, do not try to do it alone it makes the pain so much more acute. You said you have done it before but every heartbreak is unique, grieve as you shared yourself with another person, you had hopes and dreams and now it feels it has been taken away. It is okay to be feeling all these emotions.

Right now you are not ready to hear the reality. So what you need is lots of love and comfort. Life is not fair, but you can only control so much. Is there no way to keep in contact and see if in the future things may be better to reconvene because it sounds like there is a lot of love there but not the right timing?

You can post here anytime, this thread has been my secret savior.

Hey all,

@Tim that’s ok, I can’t expect you at my beck and call. Sorry for being impatient, but I was a bloody saint with my ex. One of my many negs! I was having a tough day because my ex’s sister got engaged, we were quite close and she did reply to my congratulatory message but I expected more I was once part of their lives and now I’m reduced to nothing.  You are right in the sense I’m trying to rush to a place where I’m stable because I have no idea where to go, who I am anymore. The more I think. the more I sink probably why I resort to the alcohol.

I need a proper buddy and it would be unfair to put that on you and Shelby. Although I would definitely appreciate your advice as well as a conversation to aid my loneliness. I am wary though, what if I begin developing a co-dependency. What is your view on that?

I have asked my best friend, she was unaware of how much I was drinking and it felt like a relief to share it and she is very firm. I wasn’t being sarcastic about my toasting, but that has made me see I need proper professional advice.

I’m sorry for being the female equivalent of a male chauvinistic pig. I can see some of my angst I release on you and I’d prefer it if you were not so nice and rather just gave me tough love. It is what I need I think.

I liked what you wrote to Lucie about victimisation. I do feel lately I am being more self pitiful. It makes me angrier with myself and so another cycle continues. So fucking tired of shit!

@Shelbyville,

Firstly you are right I am a self-aware person but why can I not muster enough strength to act on it? What is wrong with my willpower? I see all my stupid mistakes! Do you believe it is wrong to act on your emotions, in truth, I am avoiding therapy because I’ve seen a lot of people come out of it just over aware and everything becomes an over-analysis of each and every decision, I would want enough insight to not ruin future relationships like Tim offers but I wouldn’t want so much knowledge where I assess a person rather than let things happen as they should naturally. I am a bit skeptical about spending so much money on a therapist, at what point do they become a crutch too? I do feel they draw out info slowly and sometimes just want to rehash your childhood? Not everything is rooted in childhood, is it? I was a very confident person before I fell in love, I loved myself and would have often done the rejecting. Maybe it is just karma?

I like the idea of pushing the body to detox, maybe walks will clear my head and have me reaching for water. Maybe I can set goals to work towards that seems like a good idea. Thanks

Also, to both Tim and Shelby what did you do with your mutual ex-friends and ex-family? Delete and block too? Does that help you move on better?

Sucks you had a panic attack @Shelbyville, what is causing it? Is it your ex still or work?

Also soz for us all jumping to conclusions about you having caught feelings, again that selfish hope if Shelby can do it, I can too. It’s amazing how our brains can fill information from the snippet of information we read, the friend you described previously sounded amazing and like a gem, like someone who was always there and cared for you and I thought maybe like Tim mentioned you may have begun to have high expectations, as you mentioned this yourself once too but when you add all the above then it becomes clear he continually lets you down and you don’t want someone like that. Urgh, men! Bet he went flaky when he knew he wasn’t getting some! Probably doing what most men do in the friend zone biding their time.

Your new attitude is totally motivational, go for it even if shit hits the fan, so much of it flying around anyway !!

@Tim, thank you for continuing to motivate me, you give me hope there are some good men out there at least. I have definitely got my self into knots but with some guidance and virtue, I’m hoping to untie them all. I’m tired of everyday feeling like a drag, effectively wishing my life away. I have definitely gone backward and can’t pin down why? I think I need to go back to my roots and seek solace there because during the pandemic the faith kept me going. Yesterday I had a visit from my best friend who you may have read about in my earlier posts. She is very much like yourself, very perceptive and insightful, she has a psychology background and I guess your therapy has made you very clued up too. I think it is admirable that you are trying to help others when your initial post was seeking help about being rusty! I’m glad you stuck around because you have been a great support to me.

I think the buddy idea sounds fab, over the past few days I have reduced my units. I now wait until midday to drink…can I toast to that? Progress?

Tim, I do want the loving long term relationship, I’m aware enough to know that I need time to work on me and getting into casual relationships for me would take me away from working on the issues I am burying and only set me back. For me, it would just be a total waste of time as I want something meaningful. I probably with the issues I have, be a blubbering mess even kissing a new man. I guess with men it is different you tend to do this when hurting so it makes sense why you did even though you regret it

I’ll keep you posted on, by the way, I have noticed I have been making digs at men, you are outnumbered on here but I want to say I am grateful for you perspective!  Sorry if you get caught in the broad strokes!

@shelbyville,Wow! I mean with all that going on I’m shocked your head didn’t explode. You made it through!! You sound so positive now, that is so encouraging. I think you have begun to progress towards feeling more fulfilled. I don’t believe in happy endings anymore either, stupid fairytales! I’m sorry for adding any pressure, I guess in a way it is pinning hope, if this person who is so great and suffered so much, gets back up and starts to see the light then I can too. I was looking to you for inspiration, a bit selfish to want you to hurry to a good place. Tim is right, it is your journey.

Did you always suffer anxiety or was it a result of the ex?

Shelby, you are already showing so much more resilience, after coming across your ex on the app considering he claimed to be happier alone, you appear to have handled it well, you didn’t act out of desperation and beg or even confront him. I would be tempted to do that in your circumstances. Tim, I would have screamed your inner voice too! I don’t think seeing my ex with someone new would hurt though, I kind of feel he probably already is. He is a man, they are so thirsty! Sorry TIM! What would hurt is if he committed/proposed to someone, I hope I’m not still in this mess if/when that happens!

Shelby thinking back the way you would describe him and how he made you feel like the ground you walk on was golden etc gave us all pangs of jealousy and I remember thinking you were lucky to connect and someone makes you feel that way, you yourself described it as incredible. So yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if you caught feelings, I also recall you wanted from him things you wouldn’t expect of a friend but more of a bf, do you think Tim’s observation may have legs? You may be acting out of fear because of the way you described this friend to us he didn’t sound like a flaky person. Flaky is my ex telling me he is going to meet me after work for a date night I took weeks organizing and then him going to watch the footie with his mates, not bothering to call or text me. Yet I thought he would change?! I feel so pathetic sometimes!

You asked me for reasons you think he decided I was not good enough;
I guess I will never know, but I tried in every way I could to make him happy but it never was enough. Over the years it wore me down, when he would disappoint me in a substantial way like not turning up for our date night or forgetting to buy me a gift for my birthday/spoiling me like my friend’s significant others would, this made me feel shit when others would call him out, by the end I was making excuses, justifying his behavior and accepting that because I thought that was all I was worth. Maybe he thought I was boring, maybe he lost attraction or I wasn’t smart enough, I just felt despite giving all of me he still didn’t love me enough to commit. So now I feel unlovable. I feel like everything I did over the course of time we were together he chose the odd moments where I wasn’t there for him in the exact way he needed and then made a decision that impacted the whole of our lives, how is that fair when I was so selfless with him? My friend said he was someone who refused to fully accept me because it was easier to make me think something was wrong with me than it is was for him to be vulnerable and human and open to the idea of being hurt if he gave his all too. This makes sense but doesn’t change how I feel about myself, I sometimes cry about how I allowed myself to be treated, which makes me feel even more worthless. It is just a shitty cycle and I desire to be hugged and made to feel loved, alive and it is such a strong feeling I end up drinking more to quell that loneliness.

So that is where I’m at :((

@shelbyville

Shall I make another thread so I don’t interrupt yours and @kkasxo communication? I’d still like your input /thoughts though Shelby, you helped calm me in the beginning days.

@Tim,

I find myself reaching for the bottle as comfort more and more, it soothes the emptiness at least when I’m merry there are moments of happiness or maybe ignorance but the cold reality of the situation hits after I get sober and the cycle repeats. I don’t know what to do with my life, I feel so lost. My friends and family think I’m doing amazingly well. The mask is working but remove it and I’m a mess.

It’s been 4.5 months since the last and final break up. I made a pro/con list like you suggested and the encouraging thing was there were definitely more cons. Whereas just thinking about it in my head I tended to focus more on the positive memories. The more I wrote the more I felt the view change to stark facts and not the rose view I had clung to. Writing it with a clear honest mind I see beyond our physical connection and the comforts/familiarity we definitely were not the right fit as you said. I was disappointed time and time again, he was a shit communicator, selfish, emotionally immature/ low Emotional intelligence, I wanted him to be the father of my children but he couldn’t even commit or handle the responsibility of adjusting for the both of us, I even wrote down his grooming habits which peeved me off like using my shaving blade for his privates!! Yet I was so blinded that I had convinced myself he was going to propose but instead he dumped me once more! Definition of FOOL = ME!!

There have been more days of when im not holding onto hope of a reunion anymore, I acknowledge if we did reunite it would be for validation and to try and play out the idealisation I had of him in my head. When that person doesn’t exist. So i find I’m the opposite I have no hope for the future. I’m scared I’ll never find someone. What’s it even like to have someone love you like you loved? What’s it like to feel special? What is a healthy relationship? I’ve never been in it and this experience seems to have scarred me. I feel like I’ll never get to experience that so thoughts of going back to what I had creep in it’s better than nothing?  I don’t know. I don’t know. I go from one extreme to the next. When does it become better? Is it really better for you with your new partner or is it settling because you can’t have your ex?

I don’t know maybe I’m just rambling nonsense and I need to pull myself together and get a grip!