@Kkasxo

I’m really sad to read how much you are struggling of late. My heart breaks that you can’t be with your nana. My prayers are with your family and I hope you get to make the most out of technology and facetime or videocall. I know you’re with Mr A and I hope he does something to return that incredible gesture. Look how big your heart is, even when parting you are showing him kindness.

That feeling of just wanting to shut yourself off from the world and retreat is so familiar.

It is okay to want some space, do what feels most peaceful. I will say don’t isolate yourself to the point where it makes you feel more empty, unwanted and drives you further into a spiral. For me it drove me to alcohol just to numb myself.

Come on here and scream and write those messy thoughts out. If you don’t want any interaction, we will just post gentle reminders and encouragement so you feel heard and not alone.

You are a such a brave and beautiful soul. I know you are feeling sad for yourself, you probably thought you’d be at a different point in life but we will get there just at a different pace.

It’s easy to place blame on yourself for what’s happened. But you’re right you didn’t deserve to go through hell, you didn’t deserve to have your heart broken and confidence shattered.

Try to think about it the way I do now; our exes were perfectly fine with hurting the heart who loved them the most. They lost out not us! I mean if they were the one for us all the shit we went through and going through wouldn’t be happening.

I don’t know if you are spiritual but it is the universe or God’s way in eventually leading us to the one who will understand us, will show up and despite our wounds love us unconditionally. The best is yet to come!

You need to show yourself the same compassion you gave to other posters on this thread. You are were never the problem. You are not unloveable. Don’t let these thoughts consume you that you end up losing all optimism for the future.

You may be depressed slightly especially with being away from family, nana and Mr A exiting? I know what it’s like to feel alone, but you’re not. I’m just one of the many people who are here for you and will listen. Don’t ever feel scared to ask for help from this thread as well as your GP.

I know you are so strong especially to have got to where you are after the trauma you faced and grief at hands of Mr A. To fight back is strength and you’ve been doing that for so long, it’s okay to need a helping hand from time to time.

This year is nearly over. Bury the past and just focus on YOU. You can’t change the events of the past or other peoples selfish actions. Let karma do its thing. You need to start loving yourself so the trauma can no longer haunt or define you in your mind. Because Kkasxo if I was to describe you your trauma would represent your strength. Your relationship would represent your capacity of love, forgiveness. Your are a beautiful, kind soul.

The poison we have endured stops with us. Set yourself free, Tim and Danny were fortunate to have angels bless them and then guide them to the light and they then fought for their angels.

Maybe we just have to be our own angels and see the light and fight for ourselves and we will still win xxxxxx

Dear Mute,

I don’t normally post on other threads outside the relationship forum. I just feel like it may be beyond my remit and wouldn’t want to hurt anybody with my advice but I happened to see this thread when logging in and the title drew me in. I know the feeling of just wanting to give up.

I may be wrong but “I’m investigating ways to finally sleep.  The kind of sleep you don’t wake up from…” this points towards suicidal thoughts. I don’t think your post is to garner pity for yourself. I see this as a cry for help.

Asking for help is the first step towards conquering the demons within us. So don’t give up there’s something within you that is fighting so make that voice bigger. Make the voice hush the inner critic.

If you need to let it all out and feel heard, do it we will listen without judgement. There’s free counselling helplines. Don’t give up, you are very much valued in this world. This is just a blip and in time shall pass. Tag me if you need anything sending prayers and positive vibes your way.

Hi @Shelbyville

So good to hear from you! I’m looking forward to Xmas, I am also starting to feel better tuning out! Something I really struggled with and it would get my back up not having something to focus on. I’m learning to appreciate the stillness and quiet.

My parents have fields near to them so we’ve been going for long walks at lunch and I love it even when getting my shoes mucky in mud! Nature makes me feel serene. I think I know what I want for Xmas pair of Hunter wellies!! Getting old.

Your job is really stressing you out isn’t it?😬 I think you need to decide if you can cope with a pay cut and doing something less pressured. Do your anti anxiety tablets still work?

I do wonder Shelby, who is prioritising you?

You’re like me constantly over extending but as much as we love to do anything for the ones we care for, eventually it leads to burnout. For me that led to me feeling so isolated even though I was surrounded by so many people who loved me, but they didn’t quite understand what I needed. That’s why having someone who really gets your needs without diminishing your feelings is so important. It really steadies you when you really really need it. The right person makes the chaos around you quieten and not feel overwhelming, in turn giving birth to productivity and positivity like it has done for Tim and Danny.

Have you considered moving in together with your BF permanently? You seemed happier when you were WFH at his place. Has this changed now, because you mentioned distance? I mean do you see this relationship as being the one and long term, because if you do have you considered discussing financial stuff, I would want my partner to see I’m struggling and offer some solutions…

Family is a tough one because they really do always have your back when the shit hits the fan so you always will feel obligated. Just do it in baby steps, don’t pull back on what you normally do completely, communicate, don’t over extend but compromise as they are family.

Friends at the end of day understand life changes with new careers, moves, relationships and responsibilities. The good friends understand the ebbs and flows and will always be there. Those who stop caring because you’re swamped are shit friends, The real ones even after months pass will still care and still check in. So hold onto those in your inner circle and always return the loyalty and care down the road when you can. IOU’s!!

The birthday texts with exes are difficult!! I discussed this with my wise friend, concluded and believe this now, if you have an agreement or are friends and keeping in regular contact then it is normal and given. If not, then the mature thing and reflection of an emotionally intelligent person is to say nothing.

Because there’s usually two reasons really to still say it when you’re not actual friends;

1) ego boosting/narcissistic- Oh I’ve moved on and I’m so unbothered I can take the high ground by showing how “nice” I am/I still believe I have an effect on you.

2) Underlying reason – you want it to lead to more (even though i love wishing hbd to anyone, when it came to my ex I too had other reasons😳) but I think it is lame sending a HBD text if you want to reunite, it is so lazy!!

Does he know you’re in a new relationship? He might be jealous now? Didn’t Tim’s ex start to text more frequently when he finally started to move on?

At the end of the day if you were the “rejected” one, I think the respectful and greatest gift is to just let your ex enjoy their special day the way they wanted to — without you! Otherwise you’d still be together or a friend.

It’s coming through for yourself, a high value person would reason if your ex didn’t appreciate and value you enough to be with you, they shouldn’t be blessed with your giving, they should lose that benefit! You should extend the giving only to those who do value you just like @Danny ‘s ‘B’ did. She cared a lot still but came through for herself! That takes a lot of strength and self love!!

“ I used to go out with that, ok” this really made me laugh 😆 😂 🤣  the anger is palpable in that statement lol. I do hope that’s you referring to him and not yourself ??????????

Even though it’s taken 2 years I’m glad to read you’ve moved on! I don’t have the patience of serving half the length of my relationship as a sentence lol. I want to grow, heal and love myself enough to be ready for the right one and not push him away by allowing my ex to have further power over me. It’s been 9 months too long already!! Going to leave 2020 where it belongs somewhere deep in the abyss!!!!

@Danny

Reading your post made me blub like a baby!😭

Please don’t apologise in your reply, not your fault I’m hormonal too!! I feel a mixture of happiness, enlightenment, sadness and then finding your journey remarkable. A 🎢  of emotions!

Just a tidbit about me, for 4 years I poured my soul into trying to make an unfulfilling relationship work, I prayed my BF would eventually have the self awareness and emotional awakening you’ve had. By the time he did, it was all ruined and at a point of no return. I clung and destroyed my own self esteem by staying far too long. I wish I had acted with the strength and character of ‘B’ , the very first time we split up.

You’re incredibly lucky, lucky LUCKY that ‘B’ had the foreknowledge, presence of mind and self worth to stop your relationship when she did. It was the perfect timing.

Sticking together would have led to a toxic mess like that experienced by me and @Shelbyville. She entered your life for enough time to pull you out from drowning which shows how special she is and her positive influence clearly caused major change in you. As strange as it is to say she also left at the right time too, not because she didn’t love you evidently she loves you a lot. She knew better, that the potential she saw would only come through evolving, you needed to do the work on your own to realise that potential.That’s a Queen!

And boy did you! You became self aware through reflection and regret. You grew up. You realised what an amazing, supportive, generous, kind woman you always had. You didn’t allow your past conditioning and childhood to be an excuse for your adult behaviour. You took full responsibility and had the courage like a mature adult would to take the necessary actions to apologise in person and undo any limiting thought patterns and fight for a new chapter you both deserved. You committed with intent.

Her giving you another chance shows she has always felt strongly about you but wasn’t foolish to stay and be treated undeservingly or with the contempt you earlier described.

I’m so happy you have proved to us, her but above all YOURSELF that you really do love her and deserve her love too. I’m so happy you controlled your urges and are treating this classy lady the way she needs to be treated. I’m so happy she is still very much like how you initially described her and I think it is beautiful how much effort she puts into understanding your needs and emotions. You did it Danny 👏

Well done Danny! That is no easy feat, unlike @Shelbyville (I admire her complete non judgement) I’m keeping it real, when you first posted on this thread I thought what an absolute tosser to do that to a woman who cared so much and built him up when he was at his weakest.

Everyone make mistakes though and you have rectified it in the correct manner which shows who you really are as a person. You could have easily used your past as an excuse and just carried on. So I’m sorry for that moment of judgement.

Today you realised by being vulnerable with your emotions and letting her compassion and understanding all in that it’s okay to be cared, taught, supported and loved. It doesn’t make you less of a man it makes you a greater man. Be the King your Queen chose!!

Tell this woman you LOVE HER and put a ring on it. I would want to know ASAP how much I mean and I’m valued by the guy who I would do anything for. You don’t need more time, you already feel and see the positivity she adds to your life! I’d bet my roof on it she will say YES! I’m so elated for you!

Do let us know how it all progresses. I hope one day I meet a man like you and Tim. Self aware and not afraid to confront his mistakes and grow to be better. Most men never do the work on themselves let alone push through their fears.

@Shelbyville, @Kkasxo and I as women were mostly telling you to move on and just focus on yourself and leave that wonderful woman alone but you persevered and backed it up with good actions. She could have easily said no but you fought for her and showed her you’ve clearly changed. It looks like that connection was real and special all along!! I’m proud you didn’t just go back to stringing her along and are taking the actions to show how serious you are.

@Shelbyville I’m guessing you must be busy with work as I haven’t heard back. I hope you got some support by putting an appeal forward and work isn’t causing you tears!

@Tim thanks big bro ❤ your words always mean so much to me!

I agree being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. I was in one for 4 years supposedly happy but not. I’m learning to be ok by myself like truly happy alone. I’ve learned so much about love, my own behaviour, my needs and how much strength I actually have when I put my mind to it.

I’ll try and enjoy the lull or quiet because I’m sure before I know it my life will bring me to where I need to be. If I just work on me when I get there I’ll be the best me.

Have you considered private
3D scans? It is beautiful for a first time pregnancy experience as a couple. It will allow you to have a video of plum too!

I hope it continues to go smoothly for you both!! Before long you’ll be holding him or her do you know the sex yet?

@Shelbyville

You’re welcome, I did read all this thread not so long ago from the very beginning and have a photographic memory. So I  remembered Kkasxo in Oct and yours in Dec.  Everyone else hasn’t stated theirs but I’d be happy to recall anyone else’s special day, everyone deserves a birthday wish ❤

I did want to ask you about your insight and journey on where you are at because you are further down the line now and I look forward to getting to that place too one day soon…

I feel with Covid, I’m suspended in limbo. I don’t think it’s a great time to seek out a relationship because everyone’s just feeling lonely, bored and looking for comfort. I want to find my lasting love! Happy to take my time and grow first.

I actually said goodbye to my ex forever, it kind of brought all the feelings up again. I had previously told him lets take a year apart, date others and see where we end up but I felt I was giving hope to both of us when in my heart, mind and gut.. I knew I was holding on because of the co dependency and familiarity but I knew it wasn’t healthy after the amount of times we had tried, too much water under the bridge to start afresh. So I told him it’s completely done. I changed my number, removed any mutual friends from my socials and I have moved back to my parents and just focusing on me and WFH. Any attempts by him I will not entertain.

I needed that unconditional support and love so I didn’t slip into old patterns – alcohol!! So it’s been good being with my family, although I don’t forsee me staying with them for too long, I do actually like my independence it seems.

Anyway how exciting – a suite!!!!!! Someone’s going to be busy this weekend with a whole load of lurvvvving! What did he buy you? How’s things with your fav sister and family did they put feelings aside to spoil you too?

You’ve come a long long way, I’m so happy you are being treated in the way you deserve. Having read all this thread you do know your guy friend you also projected the exact same so obviously it’s old patterns! I recall you saying you thought he was in “puppy love” yet he made you feel golden, had a lot of emotional understanding for you. That was a person who too expressed what he saw in you but you obviously let your own self doubts and low self esteem sabotage that it seems.

If you let your fears and neediness take over you’ll cause your BF to feel overburdened and resentment will kick in because he’ll feel whatever he does is not enough. You’ll leave him feeling worse about himself and then wanting an out. It doesn’t mean the love is not real it just means the person has a strong self esteem to know in a relationship they deserve to feel good too and if it’s not being offered to cut losses.

Don’t let your mind do it again and again- you will sabotage all your opportunities of happiness! Just accept the moment for what it is. You are being loved, you deserve that and you should let it develop without fear. Real love is a risk a 50/50 one. Sometimes it works out but sometimes it doesn’t. But putting your heart on the line, being vulnerable is part of actually letting any love in and allowing it to grow. Don’t focus on is he going to get bored and leave me eventually – your self esteem should be strong enough that you personally focus on what you need and give your best self to someone else. That you never cling or want to stay in a relationship where you are not wanted and loved.

Focus on things like, does this person actually cater to my needs, are our values aligned, is he someone who accepts my flaws, all the type of questions Tim and Danny asked of their partners. Is he someone who is self aware and capable of growing in the long term nourishing a strong relationship with me once the lusty honeymoon phase wears off.

Do you feel your BF accepts and is understanding of your anxiety, panic attacks being part of you as you can’t get rid of it. It will be with you long term so he needs to accept it.

If the answer is YES then you’ve found someone worthwhile risking it for!

Do you now at least feel you did deserve better than your ex and your current relationship isn’t a passive choice because you were forced to move on?

I feel happier for setting myself free from my ex, i thought I’d never be strong enough but I was and it hurt all over again but I’m feeling stronger now for doing it. I’m proud of myself.

However, there is that niggling fear in my mind that I’ll never find the type of relationship or connection I feel I really deserve i.e. the one Tim and Danny have with someone who really gets them for who they are and wants to grow with me. Just need to be optimistic for whatever the future holds.

Btw, I don’t want to come across as jealous  because Tim and Danny I’m really so glad you both have found something special. I just after hearing it really want the same. To feel understood and safe that my partner accepts me. I guess I want the type of love I gave my ex. Wholehearted and unconditional.

@Kkasxo I’m glad to read you are choosing YOU. You are incredibly special and the right guy when the timing is right will come in and put a ring on it. You have self awareness, depth, courage and an abundance of love so well done on doing what will lead to a more fulfilling life! Growth is painful but so worth it x

@Tim thanks for being real with me it always helps me grow and I’m working on it. Anyway, I’m so so so excited for you! You’re going to be a DAD 🥰 omg my heart feels so warm and could explode right now reading your news. Rupert will always be with you and waiting at the end of the rainbow to meet you all again one day. I’m sure the little kumquat has grown by now! I hope you and your beautiful partner have a safe, healthy pregnancy x

@Danny Sorry for my absence and not replying sooner, I see you have received plenty of amazing advice, you’ve taken it on board and come such a long way.

Don’t worry it’s evident to those of us who have the experience that you have actually LOVED HER all along. It explains that pang, you are feeling it physically. To feel so upset and hurt by what you did means you’ve always cared about her deeply. Your feelings were true and deep, it’s hard to admit sometimes, isn’t it?

‘B’ is everything you wrote, reading the ‘It went like this text..’ to her fort date night theme for you makes me jealous in a good way. It’s so cute and I see you have the chemistry still!! She’s funny, kind, and clearly has a big heart to forgive you, what more could you want? You have turned into a real man of honour and respect. Continue that growth.

I love that your softer side is appearing, it’s ok to cry, you don’t have to be the HERO all the time. Share that vulnerability and those tears with her and I can only surmise that your love for each other will solidify.

I’m sure you’ll be able to contain yourself out of respect too. As a woman, I have to say it’s sometimes more exciting and intimate having that SEXUAL TENSION. So get your gratification from the fact you are respecting her and building it to a point you’ll both feel comfortable, and no doubt it will be incredible and significant when it does happen because it will be borne out of real love.  I really hope the love will just flourish between you and the fears and insecurities that plague us all do not win. Best of luck Danny!

@Shelbyville Congrats on the ILY milestone. You must be over the moon! I’m glad you’ve found someone you adore. You really do deserve it!

@Kkasxo Hope you are OK..we haven’t spoken too much but I wanted to say you only realise your own strength when you are forced to be strong on your own. You are a fantastic, kind insightful woman and capable of living a fulfilled life. Happiness awaits you. Cut the cord, I know how hard it is but I’ve done it and I was shaky for a while but I’m getting there I’ve realised what I deserve in a relationship. I’m finding myself and willing to be entirely authentic to one day find a relationship like Danny’s and Tim’s. Someone who understands me deeply helps support me emotionally and regardless of my flaws chooses me! I believe in myself and believe I deserve that… You should do, plenty of posters have remarked how wonderful you are <3

@Lucie I hope you are well, you’re also incredibly strong and more than your past, so keep on pushing through those barriers. You can and will get your happiness!

@Rhaenys Time is only wasted if you didn’t learn the lesson. You have and want better for yourself, that’s a milestone. Those guys were users and for them to never give you the closure and respect is a reflection of them. It will all catch up with them. It always does. Focus on your own self and be happy. Good luck!

@Danny yeah you get the random post on here about promoting a website, first for an ED medication. You would think they’d remove promo posts, anyway, you can find @Tim ‘s posts by clicking on his tag and also from pages in the 100s on this thread. You’re not being selfish, you are allowed to think about what you would like that is natural but put that aside when approaching her, ensure your actions don’t hurt her so if she is showing signs of raw pain then don’t push her for reconciliation. If you are willing to be brave then that means risking rejection which is a high possibility but like I said before who are any of us to decide what she wants or deserves. She may have grown and realised you are not for her but there is also that chance she may be willing to chance it if she saw so much in you. Unless you ask you’ll never know her true feelings, being an adult means confronting them with vulnerability and authenticity. It looks like you have got your shit together and are on the right road to being a better person. Just be prepared for whatever outcome and continue to be that potential she saw because it can only bring you good.  I think it’s good you are facing your fears too. It’s what got you in the mess. You will not lose either way if she gives you a chance again great, if she indicates she has moved on then you will have made amends and taken accountability like a man, you’ll also feel lighter.

I’ll keep an eye out for your responses on your thread. Best of luck!

@Shelbyville

I don’t think this thread is serving me right now because it causes negative feelings when I always take time out to post a response to everyone whatever little I can do to help. Sometimes I feel my responses are ignored. I just get the feeling I’m an afterthought and at times the one doesn’t relate to so CBA to engage with or “too busy” to respond to unless something is worth responding to. That is a feeling I’ve struggled with all my life and it will cause me to spiral when I feel lonely during a lockdown. I don’t want to go back to alcohol. So the easiest solution is not to post on it.

I stuck around after Tim went because I didn’t want you to feel that loneliness, @KKasxo is back now so I won’t feel bad.

I hope you settle into your job and feel happier, I hope your new relationship offers you what you need and want. You deserve happiness.

@Kkasxo, @Lucie, @Michelle, @Tim I hope you all keep well and making progress in each of your journeys and I wish you happiness and peace x

@Danny

Just listened to Golden you mentioned, it’s a tune. Listening to the lyrics I can see why you really miss her maybe you could make a reference to Harry Syles in your text might break the ice but don’t be manipulative. Let us know how you get on.