@Rhaenys it’s nice to hear back from you and to learn of your wonderful news, the new man on the scene sounds so mature and thoughtful, which is promising as you don’t want puppy love again!

You have had a bad deal in relationships but remember it’s given you so much experience, you have learned who you are,  what your wants and needs are.

You’ll enter a relationship being you and should take things at your own pace. Remain in the moment, don’t let fears rule but take lessons from your past and if you notice any distinct red flags don’t settle out of fear!

Some well deserved attention can fool us too, if we don’t focus on a person’s actual character and qualities and just get caught up in the idea of being in love or having a relationship with someone.

Slow and steady wins the race! Do keep us updated and I have my fingers crossed everything works out and progresses. Hope you feel much happier now you’re on vacation and able to be out and about on dates and restrictions in your country are lifting. Just realised I’ve never asked but where are you from?

Thank you for your sweet words to me too. I didn’t quite understand what you meant by the sentence… “did your boyfriend tell you” but he’s not the type who is jealous or restricts me from seeing anyone or talking to anyone. I wouldn’t put up with insecure or controlling behaviour. Having a secure partner makes the world of difference.

Sorry @Dannydan and @Rhaenys if I have been late to reply but yesterday evening I met up with my ex (my bf knew) and I’m emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to rehash everything but it’s safe to say @Dannydan and @Jay2023 you were right. We can not possibly be friends right now or ever, he still has feelings which he would act on if the moment presented itself.

He has matured from before, he is learning to be expressive, he was very vulnerable last night with his emotions, when I told him about my bf, he said he could see my eyes light up and although he is so regretful for throwing it all away, he conceded he’s realised this was not a rebound for me and he’s not the one for me anymore, that we will not be finding our way back to each other.

For most part I am glad I didn’t just ghost him, that i met him in person and we had a real grown up conversation and my heart feels better for it. It’s also sad, it hurt some because I did love him with all my heart at one point and I saw how much it was hurting him in person which is not a nice feeling when you still care about someone.

I asked him about us being friends, he went quiet then what @Jay2023 and @Dannydan had been saying about how it’s so difficult to and the pain when feelings are still there came to my head and so I made a decision for him and said i wanted to move on and so should you.

After seeing him in person and realising his feelings I knew just cutting ties is for the best for him right now and I’ve reached a point in my life I want better for myself and I have it, he may have done the work I always wanted but its all too late being friends right now isn’t my priority. We hugged. I could see he wanted to hold on in a lingering embrace but I pulled away out of respect to my boyfriend.

I’m definitely not going to throw away a relationship with my bf who is everything I needed and want in a partner; he is academically and emotionally intelligent. He spoils me, is a giver in everyway, patient and not afraid to be expressive like so many men,  he is mature and very secure person who doesn’t do anything by force but is able to empathise which I find hot and attractive. I love we can still talk about anything just cuddled up and he takes his time to understand my emotions and he values my expressiveness too. I love him.

Meeting or talking to an ex often makes most people who still harbour feelings even if subconsciously, those feelings rise to the surface and become stirred but I didn’t feel any regret, any what ifs, or desire.

I felt it solidified my current relationship further my mind didn’t once wander. So I know I’m with the right person and I think I needed this meeting just to ensure my reasons for being friends were what I had told you guys and they were. I just care about him still and always will. That’s okay. Like you said Danny I deserve to be happy and it’s time to just focus on me.

He knows I’m serious about my bf and from some of the conversation after that point sunk in for him I have a feeling instead of turning this rejection into growth and looking inwardly. The ex will now just throw himself into a relationship with someone he can settle on and rush it, just to not feel these feelings and to not feel lonely. He said he was tired. When people are tired they go for the easy option and settle for what they can get out of fear instead of sitting with their feelings and working on themselves which is hard.

He’s a fake it until you make it type, never really gaining confidence or sourcing his own happiness from himself but using other people or things to fill the gaps. With the hard work I’ve done i can see this will eventually cause resentment and fractions in his relationships because he’s going into them for the wrong reason but it’s his lessons to learn. It is sad because I want him to be happy.

In conclusion if I can give any words of wisdom is discussion is always better in person and better than ignoring. Don’t follow the relationship gurus but follow your heart and listen to what your mind, body and soul need. I feel much lighter and ready for what adventure awaits. I have no guilt I never tried to salvage a friendship. I have no regrets from the way I treated him and the love I have to that relationship. I did all I could for him and I’m happy with the human I am.

@Jay2023 so sorry I haven’t replied because you didn’t tag me , I assumed there was no message but got a notification today but can see that’s because of Danny and just read you can’t tag on your phone. So next time, I’ll try checking the forum sooner.

That feeling of her having moments will disappear the very moment you become happy within. Also when you’re in a new relationship and having all your needs met you will not care she didn’t choose you or want her to regret her choice. You will be glad, you will not feel like you do now once you find the right relationship. If you loved her deeply you’ll just be left with wanting the ex to thrive. If it was infatuation you will not care or get any warm feelings when thinking of her. How do I know that? Because I’m there. You’ll slowly but surely get there too.

I have some update @Dannydan and @Jay2023. My ex when I deleted him on SM, contacted me a few days later and I know you both said stay completely no contact and I have. I feel so cruel and it’s making me feel horrendous but I’m going to try to see it through allowing him to heal and assess his needs and relationship without me as a variable.

My boyfriend has been so great and he’s incredibly mature and secure in himself and that makes me feel more attracted to him each day. I’m trying to stay level headed but I’m both excited for us and sometimes anxious. I feel once he moves in that will be the big milestone in our relationship because he sees it as equivalent to being married and my bestie has been dropping hints that he is about to surprise me with something lol.

Jay you’re doing the best thing for yourself. Fulfilling your own goals and planning adventures without desperately seeking a relationship to fulfil you.

Danny how’s married life? You seem snowed under so don’t worry if you can’t reply.

@Dannydan you post posted twice but that song is 🔥🔥🔥! I understand things better from the perspective you gave thank you. But Gosh you men really are takers at times lol.

@Jay2023 just proved that by saying he too would want a certain situation to pan out in his favour before ever considering friendship lol. Men and their egos!

I don’t want to torture my ex further after the consensus on here, he’s doing a number on himself already I want him to be happy and accept for me and him it’s over. I want him to find someone who loves him just as much as I did or more. If that means I have to swallow the bitter pill that after all is said and done, we can no longer stay a part of each others lives by being friends then so be it. For me it’s never been a competition to beat each other into a better or “upgrade”. I just want him to thrive and the same for myself.

After listening to that song tune, I removed him from any social media. Any mutual events , I will stay away. Do I message on birthdays guys? Our contact was already limited but do I cut that out too.

I feel sad we can’t become friends and instead I will most likely need to withdraw further, It will hurt him but it’s for the greater good, isn’t it?

@Jay2023 Thanks for replying and I’m super glad your symptoms are not serious and you’ll be out if isolation imminently. I hope your taste and smell return very soon. I imagine it must be weird to eat and off putting. Hope you don’t lose weight as a result.

You mentioned you haven’t been drawn to anyone like your ex….what qualities made you drawn to her ?

Also yes it’s clear there were very strong feelings present for you to be feeling nostalgia.

Try not to just recall the rose tinted memories. Remember things like her attitude she didn’t value sacredness of sex, she didn’t support you emotionally, she wasn’t very kind etc.

You can’t help who you fall for so I would never question a persons love. But I will say there’s no need for you to have any regrets. You were an angel and treated her very well from what you told us. Unlike my ex or Danny to ‘B’ initially hence them having torturous regrets.

I am all for you starting to love yourself and do things which make you feel fulfilled on your own first before getting into a relationship. Because when you use a relationship as your source of happiness it never pans out.

What are your plans for the end of the year? Is it Thailand?

@Rhaenys you can tag me and I will do my utmost to help.

It’s great to hear that you are slowly shifting your focus and have been brave enough to put yourself out there and start dating again. It’s important to not have any expectations and also remember it is partly a number game so there will be some rotten apples amongst the mix.

I think @Jay2023 and @Dannydan will not argue when I say sex is always on a man’s mind. By being wise and not willing to open your legs right away can help filter out the fuckboys from a genuine one.

A genuine man will be patient and follow your lead.

Don’t be a total prude, it’s important for a man to guage chemisty so there will be a need for some flirty exchange not necessarily explicit.

In reference to fear. Danny and I have both experienced it. It is a natural defense mechanism when you’ve been heartbroken but love can only occur if you take a risk and be vulnerable. We spoke extensively on fear so re read the previous posts it will help you feel not alone. You have to be courageous,  if Danny didn’t be brave and try to woo ‘B’ again against all odds he would have lost out on the love of his life. By taking the plunge and believing in himself he can live without regrets.

If I didn’t fight fear of being alone I would have continued my codependency with my ex. Instead I fought and look where I am now in a relationship with someone who really understands my needs and is making me believe in love all over again.

I’m glad things have started to open up and will allow you to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Take pride in your progress , these little steps are going to lead you to an amazing new adventure. It’s never too late to better yourself and attain what you deserve

@Dannydan the ex was selfish but he isn’t an unhinged or narcissist person, at that time he was just very immature and I’ve come to accept and understood it’s all he knew.

Women are 5 years ahead in maturity I’d say. No wonder we prefer to go for older men!

I’m 110% certain even if I was single I don’t want to go back to a romantic relationship with him. I deserve better than I received. We just don’t fit together. The time together drained me and I lost who I was with him. So you’re right I had to rediscover me and learn to love myself again which is why now I value myself more than ever.

I do miss him, he has a piece of me forever because of the way I love, you are right he was a person who I shared a big part of myself with and meeting him contributed to who I am as a person today.

It’s strange to admit but I don’t love him anymore or consider him as the “one who got away” if I did, I know talking to him, considering being friends would never be an option. It would hurt me and I wouldn’t want to do that to myself. I have neither romantic feelings or hope anymore but I care for him.

Women confront things quicker and that’s why we tend to move on from our romantic feelings and realise there’s no going back. It’s done.

Men don’t do this type of introspection often, they can suppress for years until they have something that triggers regret which is why after reading about ‘B’ ex ,it’s got me thinking.

My biggest worry now is that he’s going to still hold hope if I keep any form of contact because your male perspective is completely accurate and what I believe too. I don’t want drama, I did want us to reach a place where we are both happy for each other and can be part of each others lives. I know not from assumptions but hearing it directly from mutual friends he’s conflicted whilst being in a relationship himself.

What do I do? Cut any remaining contact and hurt him for the short term so he tries to heal then try again to be friends, will this make him bitter?

But if I am the “one that got away” a big regret for him, I know we will never be able to be in each others lives and be friends.

It’s that realisation that has made me so sad and either way I’m hurting him. I don’t like to hurt people. Rock and hard place!

My current partner him not wanting to move in did throw me considering he said he wanted a relationship with the end goal being a family. When that happened, my old wounds surfaced but he has amazing awareness and saw that.  He reassured me and still stuck to his guns and I love that about him. He spontaneously planned the stay cay and it was so romantic, he’s definitely a giver in every way possible and I never knew how incredible it can be when you get two givers together 🤯

So both physically and emotionally makes me feel very very fulfilled otherwise trust me when I say after that heartbreak, I’m at that point in my life I’m not going to settle for mediocre. I want the thrills, passion, excitement and someone caring and giving. I always thought you can have one and need to compromise on the other but I’ve been proven wrong.

I’m just scared to say it out aloud because I don’t want to jinx it. I know this sounds stupid, I tell myself little annoying things like oh he works on call etc. just to stay grounded and not let myself get carried away but I’m very very excited and so is his sister who is my bestie so having insider info helps lol.

Sometimes I think why didn’t I notice him sooner, he was there right in front of me but we both had to experience our own heartbreaks, take other roads to find what our needs were and who we were before we could come together and be the best for one another.

Thanks for the sage advice and that very clear explanation of unconditional love vs. codependent love. I can’t believe you’re the same Danny that came to this thread all those months ago. Just incredible. You have really worked hard and become an incredible person. Really warms my heart!

If I panic or become stuck i’ll tag you so don’t worry about replying if you’re occupied. Enjoy your bliss , you deserve it! Been a pleasure Danny!

@Rhaenys and @Jay2023 I’m here if you still want to talk and need. Just tag me X

@Dannydan its great to hear from you and that you had a wonderful honeymoon.

Loved reading your long post but where do I begin? It’s been my pleasure to help you. You honestly don’t owe me anything, but I will tag you if I ever need some perspective but like you I’m doing well now. @Rhaenys and @Jay2023 have gone awol lol. So I only respond to any notifications. The fact you want to return my time and energy, is a true reflection of your character. I appreciate that a lot. In the past, I would get upset by slow or no replies but this thread taught me about managing expectations and made me give in a better way than I did before. So you really don’t owe me anything.

I also couldn’t agree more, having your own personal space is important in relationships too. It’s evident your relationship is built on a strong foundation, you both share great communication and trust. Maybe we should both treasure it as our safe place we can vent anonymously to each other if necessary? At least for now.

I think be careful of setting the bar so high for yourself because consistency is key in a relationship. Are you able to sustain the monthly anniversary surprises? As a woman I would prefer consistency rather than a brief honeymoon phase and then nothing. Having said that I get the feeling there’s also a deeply romantic Danny we’ve discovered that lurks beneath the sexually charged beast. If that’s the case ‘B’ is a lucky lucky lady to have a man willing to continue to infuse romance on the daily. Keeping it real most men win you over and revert back to their true uninspiring boring setting lol.

I recommend something simple, maybe you could write a personalised card or  sentimental poem about what your first month as official husband and wife has meant to you?

Wow! DANNY, that is super progress! Well done on reigning your thoughts in and thinking of it like you should; being proud she is all yours and remembering she chose you.

Too right the other men should be the jealous ones! From all the information you’ve shared about ‘B’ she is quite an amazing catch so you should always remember she accepted YOU because she saw something special in you compared to her “hot Asian ex”  and the many options or dates she had.

I am happy to read you have learned to accept yourself fully that’s why you are genuinely proud of yourself for being the one man that really captured her heart and made her want to be your wife.

So well done for nipping any Insecurity in the bud , if allowed to grow it can become possessive and no woman wants to constantly reassure a man it is draining or have a controlling man, it eats away at the relationship. What did B say upon discussion?

Carry on being you and growing, the love and chemistry you both share can only grow because its evident you two have something special. It really makes me happy to see it! It’s so sweet to read the little things you notice in her too.

It is incredible how far you’ve come and the maturity you demonstrated by inviting your exes to be there, if anything it really shows you both have no lingering doubts or feelings. You trust and are committed to one another. And based on your descriptions of her,  I don’t think ‘B’ would ever cheat even if he did try and make a move, so if that thought ever tries to settle in your mind, discard it!

It’s interesting what you said about men being takers and their role in forging a friendship for their own benefit. It has got me thinking about my ex.

I know it must have been very difficult for you to confront the contents of that letter but look at the result! It’s shown how valued you are by ‘B’ as well as your in laws. Her parents can see you genuinely make their daughter fulfilled and happy. That was incredible her father stepped in. My friends who are in similar positions have not been so fortunate and their partner finds themselves in middle of tug of war and it leads to misery all around. You are united and all on the same page so this union will only continue to soar.

Glad to read your needs are being fulfilled in every way Danny 😜 be careful you mind find she wants it more!

Remember confrontation or locking horns can be very healthy and make your bond stronger if expressed in the right manner. Arguing will occur in every relationship but those that have strong emotional understanding and communication will continue to thrive. I just knew it you two would be like horny rabbits, you have strong emotional intimacy after that incident where you had your first major fight it’s clear when your bond is threatened you seek proximity to one another to reconnect!

Reading what you wrote to @Rhaenys made me cry. It’s just so beautiful to see you so passionately in love and willing to risk loving from your whole heart even if it comes crumbling down. Not many love like that Danny! You’re right it’s our choices that decide our fate. Never let fear decide our destiny.

I’m so glad to have witnessed you morph from that boy who first posted to the man you are today. X

Danny! Awwwwwwwwwwww congratulations! 👰🏼‍♀️💍🤵🏼💒dreams really do come true!

I’m seriously crying happy tears for you right now!

I want to take my time to reply properly, hoping @Jay2023 and @Rhaenys can take the helm and 🍾  with you, I’m on a staycation with my boyfriend for a week now but once I’m back or if I get any time in between I’ll message back properly.

• Danny for now enjoy and make up for the lost time 😉😈😜

@Rhaenys just realised your username has GOT reference lol.

Sorry to hear about your cat, pets are so loyal and give unconditional love it must be tough when you feel you’re about to lose them. I hope your cat is feeling well. @Tim1 lost his dog and it was awful seeing him so heartbroken.

I don’t mean to label you but have you seen your doctor ? A lot of what you wrote sounds like you may be depressed.

That’s something I didn’t have to contend with. So I can imagine heartbreak alongside depression makes it much harder to cope or find hope. I just kept telling myself the universe may have given me a tough hand but I still have the opportunity with each new day to make it what I want. It doesn’t have to be a major change but bit by bit I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. So you need to do things you wouldn’t normally, this will push you and help you discover your passion again. Slowly but surely I recovered. A lot has to do with the way you think, who you have as support can make a substantial impact and there just comes a point where you grow tired of feeling sad, at least that’s what happened for me.

Sometimes we make the wrong choices and that determines our fate but if you grow, learn and trust in yourself you can create something better.

I would never have thought I’d be here. My ex was my life and love for close to 5 years, I thought life was not worth living without him. I had so many of my firsts with him that I didn’t know how to start again. Now the very same man can enter a room, and I can’t believe I thought I couldn’t live without him. Lol. I care about him, he has a piece of me but when you realise your own true worth you don’t want less than you deserve no matter how much you yearn for that person, your love for yourself wins. I think a lot of it is to do with closure. I didn’t have it as he would create walls and was shit poor at communication. That final meeting which I initiated and hashed out everything was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was the only way I could get closure because I wasn’t strong enough to give it to myself. Maybe you still haven’t got closure? By doing this he also learned so much.

I think it’s also helped being in a new relationship which is definitely right for me. When you meet someone who is right for you, you’ll feel the emotional warmth in your heart just talking to them. You’ll be drawn like magnets. You will realise everyone else stops mattering, your past automatically disappears. Your exes will not even cross your mind. You feel at home because you can be who you are without fear. That’s real love. So don’t settle or you’ll find even with someone by your side you are still lonely.

I hope you feel better, don’t be afraid to see your doctor. @Jay2023 @Tim1 @Shelbyville all needed a bit of a boost in the happy hormones to help them over so it may be beneficial to you x