@Driftwood: Hi.

That’s alright. I’m always checking the forum, so just write back whenever. I understand you’re a very busy guy, but that’s a good thing. The ability to be productive is taken for granted all too often.

And thanks. I’ve really been trying. Different views bring different realizations, and all of those realizations fit together like a puzzle. So far, so good.

@Anita: Hey. Just came back home from trick ‘o’ treating a few hours ago.

My friend is very aware of everything that’s been going on, in my life. I don’t hold back with her. She read the text messages from my father right after I got them, and helped me form replies. I’d like to think I’m helping her by letting her know that she’s not alone, when it comes to tough times.

Her father lives with her, but he gets a bit mouthy at times, from what I hear. I don’t know much other than that, besides that he was raised in an abusive environment, and has his flaws. There’s really not much else I can say there. All I can say is that she’s been taking it really, really badly lately. I’ve been telling her that time’ll pass, and we’ll move on to better things. Though, I’m not sure what her future looks like, and I’m not sure if she even knows. I’m sure anything could be better for her than now though, I’ll try to make sure of it.

—
(This bit gets a bit off-topic, beware.)

Her boyfriend decided to tag along, which made things a bit awkward. He doesn’t really understand how to be a proper boyfriend, yet. He’s devastatingly clingy and rather insecure. Very needy. She’s on her phone for a second, and then he interrogates her about who she was contacting. During the trip, he even did things like whisper to her about me or ask her if I was staying the night at her place (instead of the simple and polite option of just asking me directly). There were very many times where it was obvious, by body language, that she was dreading his physical contact. (At one point, he even fell asleep in her lap for an hour, while we were sitting somewhere). He was grumpy and quiet for the majority of the time, and it made me feel a bit unwelcome; almost regretting coming along in the first place. I almost felt as if I intimidated him, or made him feel like I was going to snatch up his girlfriend as my own. I couldn’t shake the feeling, even after quieting down my confident personality. There’s not much I can say to her about this though, because, well, they’ve been together for double the duration of my longest relationship. They’ve been together 3-4 years, and mine has only been going on for the past year and a half, thought that is still a relatively long time, especially for my age.

It’s both their first relationship, so they don’t really know any better. This is how train wrecks occur. Since they’ve been together so long, they grow attached, obviously. But making all of these rookie mistakes could lead to skewed visions of what’s right/wrong in a relationship, later on. She might go on to the next guy, with idea of clinginess being normal. Or she might never leave him (and grasp tightly onto what they define as “love”, which is really just two awkward teenagers copying what they see in media), just in fear of what she might lose, in her eyes. I’ve been there, but I sucked it up and moved on. A decision I’ll never, ever regret making. Change is good. But I definitely see the relationship ending ugly, and that’s sad. Maybe she’ll learn to move on, or just not to date for a while, but it’s going to break his heart, either way. He’s gotta learn somehow, though. Women love confidence. And trust.

This has happened with other friends, too. I have another female friend, and she has a bit of a crush on me. She goes through guy after guy, and they all end up swimming in their newfound insecurities, as unintentionally provided by me. It’s actually a bit problematic. Even in the household now – my mom’s boyfriend is jealous of me. I get all of her attention and affection, as little as each are. She’ll always put me first. I feel like his words definitely only point out just how insecure he really is.

I have a shield forming gradually, it seems.

Also, I have an art piece in the works, currently, and I’m genuinely satisfied with it, so far. (Didn’t know where else to squeeze this info in this post.)

@anita: I’m having a hard time letting the thought go. I think it’s worth a shot, but I’m still a bit iffy. I’m not sure if they allow people to sit in for a class or two though, or if I could even find the time/transportation for it. It might be something that I just have to take a dive into.

And of course. What mother would want to acknowledge that they’re basically the cause of the majority of their child’s stress? I don’t blame her. She’s acknowledged this before, a few boyfriends ago. I even got an apology. Not sure what happened, since we’re back in the same loophole now.

@Driftwood: Howdy. I was awaiting that lengthy reply of yours.

Yeah, I’m trying my hardest to apply everyone’s advice, slowly. Baby steps are still steps, aren’t they? It’s slowly getting easier to not be as affected by anything related to him or the situation, which is nice. It’s been a lot of “fake it ’til you make it” up until this point. Lots of times where I just became practically unresponsive on the outside, just because I was holding so much inside, and if I were to try to communicate (usually to mom, on dog walks) it would be nothing but negativity, or a painfully useless cry for help. These days still happen from time to time, but they’re not as often as day after day anymore.

It sounds like you really enjoy your job; it’s definitely something you’re passionate about, by your writing. I’m very glad that you’ve found your place in the busy world of adulthood.

My creativity has drastic highs and lows, which are rather irritating. Sometimes I’ll have a few spare hours before bed, my favorite time to draw, but I just can’t force things onto paper all the time. Or since I have the new monitor, I’ve been trying to test it out by drawing something with my tablet, but nothing amazingly great is coming from it. But usually, whenever I draw something, the first hour or so is just me contemplating to keep going or not. But, sometimes I keep going and the outcome was worth the 8 hours. Drawing/painting is something I’ve thought about giving up on, just because part of me loathes the idea of being that sophomore who scribbles stuff on paper sometimes, with the thought of it going somewhere. Like a phase that isn’t embarrassing now, but would be in retrospect. I only get that feeling because I spent all of 7th grade drawing nothing but anime garbage, with the intent of it actually going somewhere. I don’t know. I’m the type to go through 5 different phases in a day, and my art usually travels with me, when it is present. I have a handful of friends who are cheering me on, which keeps me going, because they actually care about my art. Like a supportive mother.

Oh – speaking of mother, she’s another reason why I’m not throwing in the towel. She has a bunch of regret with giving up art (she kind of had to, after my grandmother booted us both out of the house, many moons ago.) She’s pretty supportive of my own art, though, which is nice. If I ever need something art-related, she’ll usually provide it in a heartbeat. Which is why I think she’ll be supportive of the charter school. Also, on another note, college is terrifying. And I’m not sure if I would have the motivation to sit through the entirety of college, since it’s optional. Just getting through high school is hard enough, and I have it as laid back as possible. I don’t do too well in school environments, just because it gets nerve-wracking for me fast.

I’m being rushed, so I’ll end it here. Mother dearest wants to go see a movie in 30 minutes, but she wants to take a 20 minute convenience store stop, to load up on snacks to smuggle in.

@anita: The idea crossed my mind before, to show her the forum, but I can’t let her find out I’m dating right now, and I previously mentioned my boyfriend. There’s a various amount of reasons why she can’t know, but the most important one being that I don’t need her interrogating me about it. Not to mention – she doesn’t bother clicking on the links I send her, no matter how helpful they could be. Or how much they could open her eyes.

@Driftwood: Howdy.

Everyone has their flaws, as uber cliché as that may be. I always try my absolute best to see every situation from every side. Mother dearest (my mom) is a bit conflicted, indeed. I don’t see her madly in love, though; just madly in love with the rent discount, since he pays half of the it. I don’t necessarily loathe her for any of her actions, but you can see how it is a bit frustrating on my part. There’s an incredibly annoying financial problem going on here, rent keeps going up in the general area, but income isn’t budging. But since we have that monthly discount, we’re fine. When we have a roof over our heads, running water, electricity and everyone fed, that’s us doing completely fine, to her. Mental health has never been something that’s ever crossed her mind, which is a little annoying.

As for him – I understand where he’s coming from, partially. I don’t do anything around the house, and don’t plan on it. But that’s really only because my mother has never, ever expected me to do anything, and so I don’t really see a point in doing so. I would be able to respect his opinions if his communication skills weren’t so god awful. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he spent the first 10 years of his life being raised by wolves. Though, I’m no better (in a different way). I flinch sometimes when cashiers hand me a receipt. If only he could convey points in a way that don’t make me want to sock him in the face, you know, if socking people in the face wasn’t considered impolite. Oh, and not to mention how so very unintelligent he is. I know. I feel like I can even see some primal behavior in him; something will upset him in the slightest bit and he starts throwing a fit. It’s like when you take a banana away from an ape thing. He’s such a simple-minded creature. Personally, I even consider him proof of evolution.

I really hope this year is the year that something – anything, changes. And for the better, preferably. And on the topic of school, I have some ideas. I’ll list them at the bottom of my post, just because it makes more sense to me, in the sense of delivery.

Yes – all of my current “sensitive” writings are secure (the only things that are really accessible to anyone who stumbles into my den are my old math notebooks, that are mostly just 7th and 8th grade pen doodles, which isn’t a lot of information). Everything’s currently stored on my laptop, pc and phone, which all have passwords. And there’s even a password on my diary phone app. Everything’s kind of under one PIN code currently, though, but that’s just because no one really has any potential access to any of my electronics without my supervision, anyways. And them dumbfoundedly attempting at my PIN code a few times should usually give me more than enough time to catch them, since I don’t go without my electronics for long. Also, there’s an application I had for a while that passwords any/all other apps of your choice, and if someone gets that password wrong, the phone takes a front-facing photo, with a time and date. I deleted it after a while though. I got tired of accidentally fumbling with the password, and then the off-guard 3am selfies of sleep-deprived me piling up.

And in any case, if he ever dared stepping foot into my room while I was gone, and somehow got my password, I don’t see much going wrong. For anything, I feel like it’d give him a little more insight, for the better or worse.

Feel free to rain more useful metaphors on me, anytime. And feel free to go on about the creativity stuff, I could very well use it. I was looking back on some of my favorite pieces, and apparently the piece I thought was from a “few months ago” was actually done in October, last year. And the most recent piece I feel confident was done in July. And to think I used to draw daily. What happened?

@becca1982: Hi, Becca. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

I have no idea as to why he bothers calling me names. I don’t know much of anything about him, besides the basics, and I have no clue to his past. His parents are genuinely decent people, so I have no idea what went wrong. Poor treatment at school, possibly? I don’t know. I just don’t know him well enough to really make assumptions there.

And to me, the majority of males I’ve met have had an incredibly difficult time expressing themselves, emotionally. Some of them from my early childhood, adults, would harmlessly pick on me to show affection, and this took me a while to learn. Maybe while he isn’t trying to show affection, he’s still doing a lot more damage than intended. Like stepping on daisies, and expecting them to survive.

—-

Thank you all for your replies. I went to counseling earlier today, well, yesterday. Nothing’s really been happening. That appointment was just a little over 30 minutes long. But in those 30+ minutes, she mentioned something. A local charter school she worked at a few years ago. Just a bit over 100 students, or so. It’s based around creativity and individuality. Not to mention, the principal loves cosplay, so every friday you’re allowed to cosplay. I’m seriously contemplating enrolling next year. Everyone’s always nagging me about socializing more, and this might be a bearable amount of social interaction, whilst still being mostly enjoyable. And no homework.

Main concerns right now are waking up early enough for that school, and the commute. My mother, most likely, wouldn’t be able to drop me off/pick me up, and there’s no way that I’m walking 4 miles (it’s still in my district) to and fro school, everyday. And I don’t know about school buses, I’ve never had to ride them before, and I wouldn’t know where the stops are.

Rah, who knows though, it’s still all theoretical. Online school is just something I keep putting off, just because I can. I really can’t afford to flunk 2 more school years. I don’t even plan on college, I just really, really want my degree, and asap would be preferred.

Also, thank you guys, again. I always look forward to logging back on and reading everyone’s feedback. It’s gotten to the point where I use it to motivate myself. It’s usually either “Stop oversleeping, you have forum replies to check”, or “The sooner you go into the living room to leave to walk the dogs, then sooner you can come back and check the forum”. It can even be “Maybe I’ll go make a quick snack, and then check the forum”.

Hm, I really need to stop writing 15 minutes before I intend to go to bed. This took me nearly 2 hours to write.

@Anita: I don’t think she’ll ever understand, which sucks. I’ve had people ask me if I’d still consider keeping her in my life and in the life of my (theoretical) future children, and I hesitated. It’s an ever-changing answer, to me. I don’t know. She’s still my mother, but I could only tolerate her from a distance, when I go on my own way. She’s a nice lady, just a nice lady from a distance, when you don’t have to endure the shenanigans that she puts herself through. It’s really depressing that this is show she chooses to spend her adulthood. I can only learn from her mistakes.

@Shipp: Thank you for your reply.

I don’t know. I think I would rather ease a rusty knife into my throat than leave my room while it’s just him and I alone; or starve to death. It’s just something I can’t get myself to ever do. At this point, “rights” are a thing of make-believe, to me. Even though I know they’re not, they just feel selfish to me. I understand that they’re really not, because it’s a matter of staying alive, but I just don’t see myself worthy of rights, I suppose. It’s hard to explain, but I would rather be deprived than sit through more mistreatment – it’s more difficult to remember later on. As where any look, word, or gesture would repeat continuously in my head for the next month, at least.

Also, thank you for the encouragement to keep posting. It’s very welcoming. I’ll be sure to keep updating, for as long as people are interested.

@Driftwood: Hey, again.

Ah, your username makes sense to me now. What a cute lil’ backstory.

Thank you for all of the advice, and fresh outlook on the situation. I’m going to save that reply to my notes(/diary), so I can review it again later, for a better grip of the situation. I love collecting little things on the internet that give better perspective to things, or just helpful advice. I’ve been thinking about starting a physical diary, but filling it mostly with valuable lessons I learn throughout life.

As far as his victimizing goes, you hit it right on the nail. He’s always asking my mother about why her and I are so sensitive, and whining on about how he never did anything wrong, and him agressively making uncomfortable jokes at me is his attempt of “getting along” with me. He’s genuinely made me feel oversensitive, and nearly insane. The other day, on the drive to my birthday dinner, he called my mother (she had her phone on speaker) and said to have a good dinner. I can’t help but take it as another passive agressive attack. I told my friend this, but he says it’s reasonable, since I’ve never had any trust in him. And why should I?

I’m just tired of his bullshivic. There’s been days where I really wish he’d just do something physical, so I’d have a ticket out. As dreary and overdramatic as it is, I’ve even contemplated suicide a small handful of times. But the subsequent disappointment of my loved ones eats away at me. I hate bringing people, anyone, any sort of discomfort or distress. So if staying alive means keeping a handful of 4 or 5 people decently content, so be it.

Something that has been really eating away at me lately, is the heavy burden of potentially hanging out with my father. (I only bring it up because the last time I seriously contemplated chugging nail polish remover was on my birthday, when reflecting back on the 40 unread messages from him.) I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s gotten to the point where I can’t check the date without having my stomach flip. I don’t know how to tell him I don’t want to talk, or have much of any contact with him. I tried to tell him I’m just not ready right now, and he texted back “I’ll just send a late birthday card, I guess”, and continued to plea for me to hang out with him soon. He’s stubborn and manipulative, and it’s just too much right now. Not only that, but I don’t want him to witness me in my jaded and somber state. I wouldn’t be able to tell him what’s wrong, because he wouldn’t do anything but make the problem a million times worse. I don’t know what to do. This month has been absolute hell.

You said you had some other things to go on about, so don’t hesitate to do so! I love listening to what everyone has to say. This is the most reading I’ve done since public school. I wish that was a joke.

—

Sorry everyone for the really half-assed replies. It’s been a long day. I went out computer shopping with mother dearest, for a late birthday present. I’m currently sleeping at a friend’s place, since I’ve been begging her to let me escape from my house for just one weekend. The car ride here was painful, because she, my mother, decided to bring him along, for whatever reason. It was the first time all three of us were in the car together for at least a year. They kept small talk going the entire time, but I felt extremely obligated to keep silent and limit my eye contact to only my phone; that’s the only way I could feel even slightly invisible. It killed my phone battery, but it was better than any sort of uncomfortable situation I could’ve ended up in.

Anyways, I’m laying next to my friend’s sleeping body, and I should probably try to sleep soon, too. I dread tomorrow, because that means going back home.

Also, I’m super appreciative and honored that so many people take time out of their busy days to write me paragraph after paragraph of nothing but support and advice. Thank you. It all really makes me feel a little more sane, even manages to boost my self-respect, even in the tiniest bit.

I’ll probably have more time and energy to write tomorrow, so expect better replies that aren’t so sloppy and irrelevant. I’ve spent 3 hours looking at electronics, and the next 6 hours socializing nonstop. Sigh.

@anita: I know. Whenever I do seem a bit under the weather to her, though, she likes to throw money/candy at me. A few years ago, she actually paid me some amount of cash, and told me it was just for putting up with him. After that last breakdown, she gave me $100 USD. She just doesn’t know how to deal with things emotionally, so she likes to fill that void with gifts and perishable items. I’ve tried to deny her before, but she never does let me. I tell her it’s pointless giving a teenage girl money, because it’s going to be gone the next day.

@Driftwood: Thank you for your reply. I appreciate that analogy, and it really gets the point across. I’m sorry that someone decided to ruin your architectural masterpiece.

I feel like I’m giving the few last pats on the grave where my passion for writing now lies. I don’t know, I just don’t see it becoming much more than a decently enjoyable fallback, for now.

And as far as the “I should do ___ again”, I understand. Art runs in the family, and it’s something my mother gave up many moons ago. I really enjoy drawing and painting (and photography, though it’s a bit out-of-reach right now), but I’m not very sure if any of them could become an income, as much as everyone I know insists. They’re something I wouldn’t mind doing full-time, but I struggle with finding inspiration and motivation. I think that might be a given, just with how the home life is currently going. Friends tell me that times of crisis could lead to better art, if I just put my feelings onto canvas. It’s easier said than done, though, I think. And when I do have some motivation, I’m stuck dealing with schoolwork until 2am, when all my motivation is gone.

Also, thank you for your kind words! Though your intention may not be specifically to be “kind”, it’s still kind of you to go through all of the trouble to give me hearty advice.

Oh, and I really hope you get that job, it sounds like something that could really help you appreciate your talents more. I’d be greatly honored to be able to have a job that solely revolved around my creativity.

@mitchellspielberg: Thank you for taking the time to reply! You made some very great points, that I haven’t even considered before. Also, thank you for your kind comments.

I think I’m doing the best possible things I can in this situation. And I really appreciate that you can identify mistreatment, as a father. I would hate for someone else to go through this. Though it’s inevitable, that doesn’t mean there can’t be some prevention.

As far as childhood goes – to me, it ended very long ago. The magical, innocent feeling we all know is not something I’ve felt for quite some time. I went through other abuse when I was very young. I’d rather not bring it up, just because I don’t want to make anymore of a sob story out of myself than I already have. And mentally, I’ve always been a few steps ahead. I’m reaching that point where I have this urge to spread my wings, and I feel like staying around the nest is pointless. In reason, I know it’s irrational, because I really wouldn’t survive a day on my own. Oh dear, I rambled a bit.

And as far as writing goes – it’s an old passion. School’s kind of killed any interest I might’ve had for it. Writing bland prompt after bland prompt for years has made it more of a chore, and doing it as a hobby is just kind of a dreadful thought. Though, I still love grammar and editing (just because it reminds me of first grade literature classes) and I edit some of my friend’s work from time to time. It’s nothing special, really.

@Anita: Hi again.

I can completely agree. Even having control over little things like that is pretty comforting. I’m always trying to plan things into ways that’ll bring me the least amount of discomfort. When I did manage to work out, during the summer, I would always make sure that I would be home by 1pm. He comes home around 2pm or later. I always make sure to grab something from the kitchen around that time too, or after everyone is asleep that night. I walk my two dogs daily with my mom, right after she comes home. Sometimes, he comes home first, and I usually wait for him to go to their bedroom for whatever reason, before I go to the livingroom to put on my shoes and leave. He’s caught onto it though, and likes to point it out. I’ve managed to take a deep breath and just quickly get my stuff and go, while he’s still in the livingroom. I have a slip-on pair of shoes I put on daily, just so I spent as little time in the livingroom as possible. I almost think it’s ocd-related, just because I have some extremely compulsive habits, and excessive planning has become one of them.

I’ve been thinking, to soothe my worries of coming back home a little, I can leave to go to the mall while everyone’s still gone, and then text my mom to pick me up when she gets home. Though, sometimes, she’s stuck working late. Well, I probably won’t be able to go for a while, just since I have my online classes in the afternoon, and everyone is home all day on the weekends.

I’m very glad to hear that you’re doing well! I can only hope that I can heal after all of this is over, too. My counselor said that with the cortisol(stress) surges I get daily from him, it can lead to PTSD. It’s a little unnerving, but I’m always trying my best to de-stress as much as possible. I do aromatherapy, listen to soft music, and take brisk walks, daily.

@nan: Thank you for your reply.

I’ve been homeschooled for the past 2 years, by my own choice. I was miserable in both elementary and middle school. Being around people, mainly people my age, only makes me feel more isolated. I’ve heard from a former middle school classmate recently, and she apparently thought I was so miserable that I could’ve easily been suicidal. I wasn’t, by the way, I just really didn’t like being there. I prefer isolation, or being surrounded by a few very close friends. (Two of my middle school friends come over on the weekends.) I can’t be around people all the time either though, I get drained and grumpy after talking to people after a few hours.

In my opinion, online school is a lot easier on me. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get stressful though, but what school doesn’t? It’s just convenient and extremely flexible. If I want to paint at 9am – with the morning sun shining in – instead of being trapped in a classroom, I can. I’ll forever be grateful for that. Plus, it’s a long story, but I’ve moved to another city and moved back after a few years, so if I were to transfer to the local highschool, I would have to encounter former best friends, who cut me out of their life. I don’t think I want to endure that. Also, as mentioned previously, I don’t know what I’d come home to. And the bus ride home would be unimaginably horrendous.

Hi Anita! Thank you for taking the time to read and respond thoughtfully!

Yes, my birthday is tomorrow. It’s only one step closer towards a brighter future, I’d like to think.

Thank you for your sympathy and support, I truly appreciate it. Emancipation is a thought I’ve gone over many times before, but I just don’t think I could do it all by myself. Any housing around here is well over $1000 USD, and not very many of them would take emancipated children, either. Any job I could get right now wouldn’t be nearly enough to cover what rent and bills would add up to. Traveling out of state would only be more money down the drain. I don’t think it’s an option right now, as much as I wish it was, and as much as I wish I had the motivation to go find a job, and work. Being in public alone is a scary thought, and being stuck at a job alone, surrounded by strangers, is another scary thought. I think my best choice is to stay put, and take advantage of having a roof over my head for free, for the time being. Change is scary, though well-needed. I just worry that if something does change, I’ll end up in an even worse situation, or a situation where I can’t contact my friends/boyfriend. I wish my father was a more trustworthy person, so I could just request to live with him. There’s just not much to be done right now. And I’m sorry that you had to grow up in a similar environment. How did you cope? How did you get through it?