@Driftwood: I’m just gonna dig for your email address from a few pages ago, and continue conversation from there. We’re both having trouble with the forums, and I think I’ve dragged on this thread for way too long. See you there.

Hey.

I might’ve forgotten to mention that I hung out twice with my father and little brother since I saw them that first time. To clarify a bit, the time that they visited my apartment was my first time meeting my brother, and the first time seeing my father in several years. Don’t know what the situation is with his mother, but I think it’s a back-and-forth situation.

Doing the Seattle thing would be pontentially awful for several reasons.  The first being my mother fighting it tooth and nail. The divorce and custody battle, some years ago, was extremely harsh. I don’t imagine her letting go easily. Transportation is also worth mentioning. I really have my heart set on the charter school, and I’m not gonna endure a 3 hour commute, to and fro, daily. Also, I have an inkling that my father wouldn’t give me any privacy, in hopes to make up for the past 16 years. That’s quite a problem, taking the fact I’ve grown to appreciate isolation.

The actually “is this the day?” thing seems doable. Baby steps are my favorite kind of steps.

The closest asian grocer is 10 minutes by car. Though, I could probably pester my mother into taking me, since it’s been a couple of years. I’ve actually been meaning to go for green tea ice cream. It’s the only place you can get it in tubs around here.

@driftwood: Hey. Long time, no see. Hopefully you’ve been putting bread on the table, though. Also, just a disclaimer, it’s 7am, and I’m on my bathroom floor, sick (my friend with a “slightly scratchy throat” came over), typing this up on my old, cracked phone. So, excuse any errors.

When I said lied to, it really spans from my mother, to everyone else. I’m sure you know how everyone makes out absent father figures to be terrible people.

I’ve visited him twice, since then. He’ll message me nearly every night at roughly 10pm, til when I go to sleep. With further evaluation, I really don’t want to be around him. He’s an awful pity party, and nothing is ever his fault. He even went out of his way to blame him leaving on my mother, saying it was her idea to move states, and things got wonky from there. He says that he only stayed here so long cause he couldn’t leave without finding me, and hopefully taking me with him to somewhere east. I am, of course, a doormat, but I have my limits.

Also, this entire thing feels like it’s out of pity. He treats me like a cancer patient, or an intimidating date (gross, I know), more than anything. To him, I’m this wilting flower to be kept alive, and I obviously suddenly need his help, after 16 years.

Whenever I’m with him, my anxiety goes haywire. I’m usually lost in derealization until I can leave. I just don’t feel comfortable around him, because he’s so uncomfortable. Last time, I told him I don’t eat in the afternoon, and then he insisted I eat repeatedly the entire drive home. (Yes, I actually let him drive me home. He insisted, and prolly wouldn’t wait long enough for my mother to pick me up. Also, he chugged an entire glass of beer before this, so I knew I was in safe hands.)

I don’t know. He’s nice, but it’s a uncomfortably fake “how can I win you over?” nice. He bought me an entire outfit to wear to the last time we hung out. I hate when people buy me things, I’m sure we’ve been over this. He’s especially not the richest person in the world (at all, was homeless some few times) .

As for the discipline thing, I really haven’t been able to start. This father stuff is only more baggage, which is making me just want to hide under my covers for forever. Though, I did log into school, at one point. Only to really talk to my teacher about our common tastes in music, though. I know, I need to be the one to make the first step towards treating myself better, but it’s so hard. Don’t think I’m not blaming anyone but myself.

And counseling appointments haven’t been about anything but my relationship with my father. And my inability to stand up for myself, for the fear of it backfiring. She even asked me last time how exactly do I stay sane with everything going on. I couldn’t form a response.

Alright, my throat’s on fire, and my legs are pressing into this plasticy hardwood floor quite hard. Also, would it be more convenient to email you? I dunno. Happy Easter, if you poof for another month. Kidding, of course.

–

Also, I wanted to treat my scratchy throat friend to a dinner at a mutual favorite restaurant of ours, and then mother brought her waste of space along. He demanded we get two seperate tables, and the restaurant was packed. It made me feel awful, and guilty of not being able to cooperate with someone I live with. He would purposely lag behind me when walking to/fro the car, as if I was an infectious plague. Went out of his way to make indirect jokes about me. While in the car, he said the dogs need to get a job in a year, in this sarcastic tone, which I knew was aimed at me. It killed my appetite at the restaurant. I ended up dry heaving for 30 minutes the next day.

@Driftwood: Hey again. Glad you’re keeping busy.

I’ve been doing much of the opposite. “Busy” is a word I only ever use as a lie, anymore. My schedule has been getting up at 10am, watching youtube from then until 4pm, skyping the s.o., more youtube, and then sleeping. I really need to be a bit more disciplined, as you state, but I just have certain habits that help me arrange my “schedule” around the household a bit better. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but I have an extremely hard time dealing with school before/when her boyfriend comes home. It fills me with self-doubt, and makes me lose my focus. I don’t do school work in the evening, because of the routine skype call my s.o. and I are used to. It’s usually 10pm after that, and by then I don’t want to do anything but either draw, or sleep. So, this leaves no time for anything remotely productive. But I’m usually pretty optimistic in the mornings, which could make it easy to get some cleaning in. (Random side note, but my “bed” consists of a mattress on the floor. It’s a long story.) And for school, I’ll probably catch up on at one point, when I get the time. I hope.

As far as trying to make the most of the visit; I don’t know. The only thing I can think of is to make the most out of the time I’ll have away from everything (as vague and obvious as that is). For example, sure, maybe I’ll embarass myself by trembling like a small dog, but at least it isn’t a household-drama-induced tremor. I’m also planning to log all of our activities in my journal, so I can always look back on it when I’m back home. I might even bring the Canon, to have more visual memories of it. It’d especially help because taking photos always boosts my mood, since I never really get to be behind my own camera. I’m sure more ideas will come up, since it’s gonna be a while until then.

Not sure – she asked what I’m doing currently to help with the tremors, and I told her about my hoard of sleeping/allergy pills (more or less), and she deemed that as fine. I’ve always wanted to get into aromatherapy/tea, though. I saw a youtuber review these drug-free aromatherapy vape things, and they were pretty cool. They had a mix/blend of certain aromas for every mood. Of course it’s 18+, though (for the simple reason that youngins shouldn’t be smoking anything, which is fair). Doesn’t mean I can’t go out and load up on more incense, though. And tea. The only problem is that going to the local herbal/health store thing is a bit of a pain in the bum because everything is a bit expensive, and trying to get my mother to go is inconvenient. Plus, vermilion tea (which someone told me helps with sleep) is hard to find. The closest thing I’ve found has vermillion in it, amongst other things. It’s a sleep-themed mix, but it tastes like some awful perfume. I would just get lavender incense again, but the smell grosses me out. It’s always something.

—

Sudden realization. I don’t think I like using the term “boyfriend”, because it makes me think of my mother’s poor choices in partners. Wish I made that connection sooner.

I set out to write this post within 30 minutes, but it’s taken me nearly 2 hours instead. I’m very bad at time management, by the way. (Also, there’s, presumably drunk, people yelling outside. It’s nearly 3am. Wish me luck sleeping.)

@Driftwood: Hey. Glad you were able to meet new people, as peculiar as they were.

Yeah – I was too deep in my own petty problems rather than taking the time to soak in my surroundings, and being able to appreciate them. Instead of using my phone to complain on twitter, I could’ve been taking photos of my own, of the bright turquoise ocean. Or I could’ve been practicing tennis/swimming, instead of spending every summer playing online games.

Correct, it is to visit my S.O. Why I’m saying it’s theoretical is because it’s all if mom’s willing/able to afford the trip, by then. I would be looking for a job right now (to save up myself), but everything in range is mostly restaurants, and I feel like that wouldn’t look too impressive in an artist’s resume, later on. Maybe I’m just being dumb and digging for any excuse to not leave the house and take on responsibility. I don’t know.

I do feel like I’m gaining distance on the situation, day by day. I’m finding and rediscovering music here and there, to block out his voice with. I’m looking back at previous events, to realize how ridiculous his behavior is. I just don’t know where to go from here, besides continuing to withdraw my emotions from the situation, shut up and get work (schoolwork and art) done. Next counseling appointment is on the 8th, so I’ll see where I can blindly steer conversation.

—

Had a friend over last night to a few hours ago. She would’ve happily stayed longer if her father hasn’t been having separation anxiety, lately. But she’s caring, she cleaned up after the dogs for me. Her winter formal was Saturday night (which is why she only came over yesterday), and she kept mentioning that I’m always welcomed to come to her proms, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. (She knows I get sad when everyone gets to reenact She’s All That, and I can only sulk in bed.) But she’s also broke (a bit worse than us) so she knows the pain of shopping for a “cheap”, fitting prom dress. I think it’s better if I don’t bother. Maybe senior year, so I can conceive some sort of awful story to tell from time to time.

And my other friend, the one that’s more successful/productive than me, only needs one more school year to graduate. It’s a little degrading because I’m easily more intelligent than her, but I just can’t prove it. I know school education isn’t all about intelligence (it’s more like just actually keeping up with assignments that are reusing the stuff you learned in 3rd grade), but I still can’t help but feel insulted. I only passed one or two classes this semester, due to how awful I took everything from September to recently.

That leads me into another random thought I had. I feel like my anxiety holds back my true potential when it comes to my intelligence. I have a hard time suggesting solutions to things in fear that it’ll be the wrong answer. Or questioning people’s statements. And with counseling, I run through lengthy conversations in my head, but nothing comes out when I sit on the scrawny, pleather couch. Can’t give advice, either; I usually just tell friends to run to Google if they need something, because I don’t have much experience with anything. I have trouble questioning people’s opinions on things, because I feel like mine would be wrong (even if there’s so such thing). I’m usually too scared to think for myself and form my own opinions.

Oh, and the design I made is going to be part of next month’s sticker pack. While I’m not being paid, it’s still a nice amount of exposure.

(Also, I’m sorry if my grammar and general quality of my writing has been noticeably declining. I’ve been having lot of trouble lately with proofreading, just because I don’t usually type/read much anymore.)

@Driftwood: Long time, no post. Kidding. It’s fine; I’ve been busy procrastinating on finals, and wasting all of my time on online games.

With the art stuff, I think I get what you’re implying. There’s the choice of hiding behind your art, or to grow as both a person and artist. I’ve seen a lot of people stick to either route, and it makes them end up in pretty different places (but experience and such is also a factor). You have those few absurdly popular painters, and then the vast amount of pity-hungry youngsters whom only draw vent art, whining about how terrible their lives are. (Some of them do, infact, live terrible lives, though.)

—

I hope all your travels are safe. I haven’t actually been on a plane in 7 about years. That was the time I got to visit Hawaii, because my mom’s boyfriend was stupidly rich, and had nothing better to do with his money.

Actually, I went through my twitter archive today, and found tweets dating back from that trip. (Yes, 9-10 year old me decided to use twitter.) All of them are either discussing the freakish amount of bug bites I encountered, or the too-sweet teriyaki I dreadfully endured. I just didn’t know how well I had it. We even lived in a little community that had a golf course and clubhouse. (Not to mention the tennis court and pool. They also brought in a chef every Wednesday for build-your-own pasta.)

I remember that one of the many times we ate at the clubhouse restaurant, I was holding back tears, because I believed that I was morbidly obese. No one accused 90lb, 4’7 me of being such, I just assumed it. I was completely oblivious to the world around me, and I’ll always regret it.

Blah, what a tangent that was. Anyways, later this year, I might be able to travel out of state for my birthday. By myself. It’s still decently theoretical, though. But I look forward to it, nonetheless.

@Driftwood: Howdy. How’d your birthday go, btw? I know, probably like most any other birthday.

Dunno if I’ve mentioned it, (that has become a phrase I use quite often here, hasn’t it?) but there’s a bit of a concern with the whole counseling thing. I don’t think I can get myself to be completely honest with the counselor, on the topic of self-harm, for the simple fact that, legally, she has to inform my mother if she thinks I’m a hazard to myself, or others. Do you know how awkward of a car ride home that would be? But – it’s been 2 or so months since I’ve cut. I think. Mainly because I don’t have anything sharp nearby, and I’m not desperate enough to use a mechanical pencil again. (It got infected instantly. Kinda gross.) Compulsive picking is still a problem, though. I feel like I don’t have much of any emotional connection to either activity anymore though, if that makes any sense. The last time I cut, the guilt was dull and the cuts didn’t last long. Picking is a completely mindless habit, but that doesn’t make me feel any less alienated when someone asks about my torn up fingers, or scar-ridden legs and feet. Anyways, I think I’ll kind of sweep cutting under the rug, since it’s been a while, and I don’t need this household to get any more tense. But I’ll definitely make a point to mention picking next time, just for help with a diagnosis, and advice. I’ll also push myself to mention my friend, who’s been coming over a lot, recently. I suppose I’ll mention it here, too.

One of my two close friends I’ve known since 7th grade has been contacting me a lot, lately. She’s a sweetheart, but she doesn’t think before she speaks, and she also doesn’t understand mental illness at all. This past visit, not only did she take it upon herself to clean my room again, but she even had the nerve to ask me why I dislike my mother’s boyfriend. I told her, but I could tell she wasn’t quite taking me seriously. She’s going through the same verbal abuse from her grandmother currently, but she seems to hold herself better. She still roams her house freely, and goes on about her day. She’s asking my mother for help with setting up a resume. It just makes me feel extremely inadequate, weak and lazy. She goes on to make comments that I should go out more, and talk to my mother more. And about how I can’t live in a pig sty for forever. I can’t help but grind my teeth at her ignorance. My friend is saying just to be blunt with her, but blunt isn’t something I’m good at, especially when it’s pointing out someone’s flaws.

In case you’re wondering, they did finally do the floors. It only took several hours of mariachi music and loud construction noises. Now, the floor is constantly cold, and everything echoes across the 800 sq ft apartment even more. Joyous. He won’t stop shouting about how clean the plastic hard wood flooring is. I can’t help but fall into his guilt trap. This big inconvenience of those two having to move everything out of the living room, kitchen and dining area wouldn’t have happened, if I bothered with taking the dogs out for the past 3 years. But on the other hand, my life shouldn’t revolve around other people’s responsibilities. I don’t know.

—
Hey, I’ll watch and review all of them, since I have nothing better to do.

Sarah made a poster is informative, and straightforward. It’s long enough so you understand the process, but not too long to where you might die of boredom. I think it’s neat that she can actually get her work done that simple. And I genuinely like the end result. Some of the top-down shots with the wood desk background feel a little “Ooo, look at me, I’m a quirky, modern hipster!” but maybe that’s just me. It feels a little overdone, but you’re talking to someone from the notorious city of hipsters.

Sam made a sizzle reel feels a little lengthy, or just a little bit of too much babble. Maybe I’m just too used to playing around with saturation and contrast features. The top-down shots are getting painful to endure. There’s a top-down shot of him sketching, which seems completely irrelevant. I also feel like you don’t get to see much of the final product – the thing he spent the video talking about.

Zenzele made an animated gif is interesting. I am not a fan of the “I don’t do funny” gif in the beginning, because it feels like a desperate grasp for relevance. I like the art she does, and I think it’s very inspiring. I actually follow someone on instagram who does something similar with magazine clippings. (I found their website. http://thedailysplice.com/ )

Maddy made a t-shirt features a cute idea. But parts of it also feel like a desperate grasp for relevance. Mainly the whole “Dinosaurs don’t know what they’re doing with their lives, too”. That part felt like a G-rated animal meme. But the end design is impressive and professional, and really shows the potential of the program.

Nathan made a resume features a minimalist with a funny accent. Personally, the sketching part seemed a bit unnecessary, because there’s only so many ways you can sketch a resume. Also, the top-down shots are the worst on this one, because since he’s a “minimalist”, that means the top-down shots have to be super organized shots featuring black and white clutter. Also, the “hobby” icons section felt a little childish and unnecessary, but I guess it shows off his amazing graphic design skills. And I feel like there’s so much more you can do with this program, besides put together a piece of paper that determines the worth of your existence.

Sandra made an app features a lady with a funny accent and her hip, new dating app. I find the idea for the app unique and quite nice. It’s something I can relate to, with my S.O., because we met in a chatroom, where visuals aren’t really a thing. I think if I were to have seen him when I first met him, it would’ve made me form a different opinion on him. Anyways, I spaced out at the 30 second mark. The video was lengthy, and I kept zoning in on her accent. On another note, I feel like this app would attract nothing but morbidly obese people, to be frank. To be purposely pushing appearance out the door makes me feel like there’s something fishy, if that makes sense.

@Driftwood: Hey. Thrifting went quite alright, even without the fanny pack. Found me another tacky 80’s jacket instead, amongst other things.

I get what you’re saying, as for as progression goes, and continuing to sort myself out. This is where I’m stuck. It’s a back and forth thought process.

Part of me wants to continue with where I am, mentally. It’s so much easier to indulge in oversleeping and put off priorities, than it is to go out on a walk in 30 degree weather. It’s easier to not eat, than to leave my warm covers to go scrounge through the cold kitchen. But I understand – discipline.

Obviously, you might know by now that discipline is not, at all, my strong suit. This is partially due to my thought processes. I’ll stare at the worn basket of my clean clothes, and I’ll ask myself, “what use is it spending 2 hours hanging these up, if they’ll just all come off the hangers again?”. I stare at my school’s login screen and think, “This is a complete waste of time, and there’s no way I’m going to pass any of it.”. And my mother suggested walking alone daily as well, when I blankly replied that the walk is pointless, and has no purpose, or destination – therefore, kind of a waste of time, and not something I want to leave bed for. She couldn’t think of a reply.

And with the counseling I’ve been in for nearly 2 years, I don’t think it’s done as much as I thought it would. I thought I would be frantically raiding the tissue box every appointment, as we dive into my problems. I believe it actually took me quite a few appointments to even start talking about the house situation. I think in one of my first appointments, we just talked about rice, for 30 minutes. I can easily tell you that any communication we do here is a whole lot more beneficial than what goes on in there. And I have no idea how to turn this around.

I think my next appointment is either this week, or next week. We have one every 3-4 weeks, depending on her schedule. Our last appointment was a lot of small talk about the holidays, and shrugging, after my lack of commotion at home. I don’t know how to change this. My mother once saw my torn up hands, and suggested that I mention it to the counselor. (I might’ve mentioned that here before, I don’t remember.) I said I would mention to her, and forgot to. I might bring the compulsive picking up this next time, in hopes it makes for progressive conversation, and some sort of pinpoint diagnosis. Maybe this could even lead to me being completely open to her about my experience with self harm.

She’s asked me before, if I found the appointments helpful. Being too nice, I told her that they’re a reason to get out of the house, and it gives me someone to talk to. And while I was a lot worse mentally, before I started going, I was also in a emotionally abusive relationship of my own (long distance), which only added to it. (He would threaten things like suicide if I left him, or if I didn’t cut contact with all of my friends. Might or might not have mentioned this on the forums. Curse you, memory.). It ended about the time counseling started, which I think also added a lot of relief, and that’s why my improvement seems so drastic. Just a theory.

I really think next school year will help out a lot. I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but you need a 60 hour minimum internship (of your choice, they’ll help you find one that’ll fit to what you want to do in the future) to graduate, and that’ll be a nice start to a resume. Not many highschool graduates can say they have any sort of internship experience. While I know none of this will be as easy as laying in bed all day, it’ll still be beneficial. And productive.

Back to dance metaphors – I’m in this constant, awkward cupid shuffle. I take two steps left, towards discipline. Then two steps right, back towards indulgence. And repeat. Hopefully that makes sense. I don’t know why I decided making up a dance metaphor was a good idea, especially one revolving around the worst middle school dance.

—

Woke up to the familiar noise of his bickering. Surprisingly unaffected, besides a little grumpy that I had to wake up to that, instead of something peaceful.