Hello Tee

Thanks for sharing the YouTube suggestion. I have watched it and it makes a lot of sense. It has helped me understand more about a covert narcissist.

It helped to know that he does not empathise and has no empathy. It’s funny because I remember now he has said before he lacks empathy and that his previous girlfriends have said he is insensitive. I mustn’t have thought much about it at the time because he was being so nice and the opposite with me.

“But I think the best revenge is to get back on your feet, get your life back in order, and rise above him. And never allow to be fooled like that again.” This has really helped. Yes, I shall rise above. This is time for me now. Time for new adventures and genuine connections.

“Sorry, didn’t understand this: do you mean he wouldn’t get an ego boost from you because you wouldn’t let him, or because you don’t feel good about yourself at the moment, so he wouldn’t be motivated to put you down?”

So I meant he can’t get an ego boost because he is unable to put me down anymore. I don’t think he would risk the rejection. Also, given the state he left me in and some of his self awareness of being a bad guy (he is self deprecating sometimes) I would hope that he would know better and think “I’ve hurt her enough, I’m going to stay away” even if he did have the urge to reach out.

While I do believe he is a covert narcissist, he acknowledged he needed professional help which suggests some amount of self awareness. With this in mind, I feel I won’t hear from him again.

“I don’t care what his childhood trauma is – if he is cheating on you, that’s abuse and is inexcusable. So in that sense, have less compassion for the abuser and more compassion for yourself.”

This has helped greatly too. Thank you for helping me reframe my thoughts in this way. I will have more compassion for me.

So, for a happy end to the story: a met with a friend this week and we went climbing. I’ve not done this before and I had a great time.

We went for a drink after and I told her how scared I was of being alone and how I’ve not been without a boyfriend since I was 13 (I’m now 34 years old). Her reaction was “WOW! This is such an exciting time for you!”. “What do you mean?”, I asked. She said me that I now have all this time for me, time for adventure.

We set the date, 31 May 2024, to meet one year later. For me to give her the debrief on everything I will have done over the next year. I bought a notebook on my way home to document my journey and all the amazing experiences I’m going to have.

Thanks as always, your support has made a huge impact and will always be grateful 🙂

Hello Tee

With the pregnancy, I’m not sure how I felt other than denial. I don’t want children unless I find the right person and I knew I would not want children in this scenario. Then I miscarried so I didn’t have the chance to process being pregnant.

As to whether or not he had anger issues is hard to say. He internalised everything and wouldn’t even speak with friends or family about anything. When his relationship before me ended, he moved back home but wouldn’t discuss anything with his family.

I could see he was hurting deeply and I picked up on low self esteem. He seemed to crave validation from women. He would routinely dress in certain ways to get compliments from women at work or when he was. Then he would talk a lot about women to me and what he liked about other women’s appearances, but refused to compliment me. When we used to go out, I would get a lot of compliments from strangers and he didn’t like that I got this attention. Going as far as to laugh at me for being complimented, like he couldn’t understand why people fuss me in the way they do.

You’re right about the incidents with the physical aspect. I didn’t say anything because I was too scared. There was a lot that happened where I was too scared to say anything.

It’s worth noting that a couple I know met him a few times. Their feedback was they said they had a bad vibe from him, that he seemed disinterested in my life and that I wasn’t myself. They said I had anxious energy when they visited and he was staying over.

As for him playing the victim. He did actually always blame other people for things. Like his relationship before me, he says he was abused however I highly doubt it. He blames other people for his bad behaviour. As for him going to Thailand, it was planned before I miscarried. I honestly just think he wanted to go and have a “single man lifestyle”. He was overweight as a child and is very self conscious about it and part of my thinks he wanted to sleep with women to prove his attractiveness to himself.

I think you’re absolutely right about panic attacks being a defence mechanism. I don’t want a repetition of this pain and trauma.

With regards to my ex husband, I’ve worked through this and no longer hold any feelings towards what happened. I had therapy to work through this. I’m actually grateful for what happened as I’ve been able to create my own life. I don’t hold a grudge to him.

However, to the ex we have been discussing. I’m working on accepting what has happened. I want to let go of what has happened and move on to aid my healing. However, his behaviour is unforgivable in my opinion and he won’t be getting my forgiveness.

I feel safe that he won’t reach out again as it feels final this time. I don’t think he is capable of having the emotions to be able to miss me. So I don’t think he will be asking for forgiveness anyway.

Thanks so much, as always 🙂
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Hello Tee & Helkat

Thank you for your responses.

To add detail, the pregnancy and miscarriage were both unexpected. I was in denial about being pregnant as a coping mechanism. And then we only found out for certain when I went to hospital. That was when it was confirmed that I had been pregnant. I was then heavily in denial about miscarrying as I just could not believe it.

He supported me for 3 days and then disappeared. He was passionately against children so I don’t know how it made him feel.

We had a wonderful Xmas & NYE and he already started ignoring me. He also brought a box of my things back over Xmas so I believe he had already made his mind up to leave.

Tee, I’m grateful for your honesty. I needed to hear this. He was toxic. He was hard work. I was also scared of him. I could get a bad stomach every time he told me he was on the way to my house. I would be physically sick.

He was so lovely to me at times. He took me away for my birthday and planned lovely days out for us. He would do little things like make sure I had medicine. He would tell me he would always have my back and be there for me.

I did feel loved at times. What makes it so hard is that at Xmas/NYE, he was so lovely but I think he has already made his mind up to leave. It’s the dissonance of “he seemed to care but he left anyway”.

But, before this I was a strong, focused woman. Who I am now, I don’t recognise. But at the start of the year I asked the universe for peace, and then he left. I think I have been gifted this man leaving my life.

Since then I have redecorated my house, got myself an amazing new job, I’ve been attending socials to meet new people and I am going travelling.

Every day is working towards what I told myself I needed on January 4th this year. I need peace.

Thank you Tee and Helcat for being supportive. I really appreciate you guidance.