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January 14, 2016 at 2:31 pm #92547
SamdlbParticipantCath, here’s a virtual hug for you!
It sounds like a horrible ordeal that you are going through, and I can only send my best wishes.
Coming from someone who’s parents split up and going through the arguing and all the darker thoughts about my family breaking up, it is important to try and see things from their point of view. Ultimately, if they are divorcing they sincerely feel as though they will be happier apart. There then brings the promise of much happier times for both of them, and bringing new people to your family who will give your parents each the love and happiness they deserve.
As for your ex-boyfriend, I am sorry that things did not work out. As with anything it will take time to get over it. Although hard as it may be right now, it may be the right time for you to begin to spend more time on yourself, and get to know yourself more. You have the opportunity to spend some time alone and perhaps explore yourself in a way that you haven’t been able to in a relationship. Loneliness is something that everyone struggles with at some point in time, and it is important that when they do they learn to feel content being with themselves. I know it sounds really corny, but stick with it!
Best wishes.
August 22, 2015 at 12:50 pm #82178SamdlbParticipantHi Rkallas,
I understand how crappy you are feeling at the moment and regardless of what anyone tells you no doubt you’re still thinking: “but I can’t give up on her”, and for all of the need to give her space, you are perfectly entitled and justified in believing that you can not give up her.
My advice would be to be honest.
Firstly you need to explain exactly how you feel about her and for how long. You will also need to give an honest answer as to why you withheld your feelings for so long. If the thought of her being with someone else finally made you speak out, you need to openly tell her that; but reassure her that your feelings were there beforehand.
Importantly though after being honest, you can not force it. You must let it take its natural course and if it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. If nothing comes to fruition, then it simply means that waiting for so long to confess your feelings was a good thing – that something more perfect will come along in the future, an opportunity that would not have arisen if you had done things differently.
February 12, 2015 at 3:09 am #72676SamdlbParticipantHi Danielle,
I am short of time so my reply may seem short or abrupt; but in my opinion it sounds simply as though your boyfriend isn’t the love of your life.
A lot of people have views on how their relationship with their partner should be, and in your post it almost feels as though you are seeking for a way to dealing with the fact you don’t feel he is perfect.
Perfect and perfection is a strange concept, but when it comes to love and relationships I feel as though you should only settle with what you think is perfection.
Ciao
October 22, 2014 at 11:02 am #66651SamdlbParticipantHi Bunny,
I don’t think I totally agree with Inky.
It’s like ignoring the problem until she’s hold enough to slut around and get taken advantage of when she’s older, which to me sounds very counter productive?
I think it’s very very good that you spoke so openly about why its inappropriate to act like that with guys when she has a boyfriend, and that she understood that it was wrong and you have both established that she does it to make her feel better about herself.
For one you really can’t blame yourself at all. Millions of people suffer with lack of confidence or psychological illnesses, and of course it is evolutionary and natural that receiving attention and compliments from people of the other sex helps to make one feel better.
Undoubtedly a lot of the confidence and self worth problems would come from her jackass of a father (sorry for judging). I think it’d be very important for you both to speak to a councillor, or do some reading on self worth and dealing with these horrible and unwarranted emotions that have stemmed from matters outside of your control.
The more talking the better. Your daughter needs to understand that the issues and lack of commitment and effort on her fathers part has absolutely nothing to do with her, and it most certainly is not her fault. It’s a long and tricky road, but once she starts understand and truly believing that she isn’t to blame, than in fact she IS worth much more, things will slowly get better and she will content with her own affection and that of her boyfriend (if he’s still the picture).
Perhaps you could also mention it to her that if she spoke to her boyfriend and asked him to be understanding that she could do with some extra compliments etc, she doesn’t have to tell him what’s going on, just that she could really do with the support. If he is a decent lad he should help her out!
Hope this helps!
August 29, 2014 at 9:00 am #64099SamdlbParticipantAlthough not a quick fix, there is something that I think might be able to help a little? You seem like you are a very “emotional” person? You go through a lot of mood swings, either really happy or sad and depressed, and a lot of the time your sad is when your mother is home with you? I don’t know if you are a spiritual person or not – I wasn’t, but the more things happen, the more spiritual I’m getting…
I might guess that a lot of your sadness and lack of motivation and confusion isn’t entirely all yours, and a lot of the pressures and hardship of life that your mother feels, you are soaking it up. I’d really suggest you do some reading on some meditation. You don’t have to sit around and hum, but just find something where you can clear your mind and block everything else out. By blocking out other people’s emotions you might find a bit of clarity and feel a bit happier?I’m sorry for the stuff that you have gone through, you really didn’t deserve it.
August 29, 2014 at 8:46 am #64098SamdlbParticipantHi Eli.
Well done on opening up and writing and explaining your feelings. That took a lot of guts, “you done good.”
I also want to say you are very brave, and a lot stronger than me to try and pick yourself up and keep trying even though you’ve undeservedly not had the friendship and love that have needed and deserved.
It takes a lot of strength to soak up the insecurities and issues of bullies and keep on stepping forward. The fact that you are here and writing about it proves that, although you might not think so, you have taken a huge step forward.
Confidence and self love is something that I believe will always fluctuate day to day. Something that has really helped me, is to be true to myself and my morales and beliefs.
It might sound silly, but the simple act of making a decision based on what you believe is an act that reinforces that you are a good person. There are millions of people who make decisions based on what is easy, or what is the norm – but if you decide to live your life on your morals, you can be happy that you will have no regrets, and that you are doing the “right” thing. I’m sure you watched cartoons when you were a kid, think of the main character – the one that always did the right thing, he fought against evil, saved the day etc. Sure he probably had to deal with loads of problems, but to you as a kid watching – he was perfect because he did the right thing. Apply it to yourself.
Be true to yourself and believe in your decisions and the trust and confidence will grow in who you are. Good luck!
August 29, 2014 at 8:28 am #64096SamdlbParticipantHi Lauren,
Without digging any deeper, I get the feeling there has been some situation in the last couple of years that has happened to you.
You seem to have a strong desire/connection to guys who are older than you, and a need to be loved and accepted. This, no doubt, would have arose from certain circumstances but that is not the important issue here.
You also seem to have a fear of putting your mother under undue stress?
Anyway, without going into your past I think I have some advice that will hopefully help a little.
First of, and probably the hardest step – you need to realise that the situation you are in; isn’t your fault. That may seem weird hearing as I don’t know you or whatever you have been though, but from experience it’s important to first realise it isn’t your fault, and you certainly do not deserve to be feeling how you feel.
Secondly, a little phrase you may want to read a few times “We are what we love, not what loves us back.” (Sorry I really can’t remember if it’s from a song/quote/speech).
Next up, and probably a point you might not like, you are only 15. I’m not making this point as an excuse to say “cheer up” etc, but rather to bring up the point that – you still have the chance to do everything you desire and wish to achieve. Ironically, today’s quote is: “Never forget: This very moment, we can change our lives. There never was a moment, and never will be, when we are without the power to alter our destiny.” ~Steven Pressfield
Following on from that, it isn’t a sign of weakness to admit you haven’t got everything sorted out. I’m 21 and I still feel like a kid. I get the impression you have grown up very fast and perhaps the pressure has been on you to act older than you are – but you are still a kid, so don’t feel bad for asking your mum for help. You’re her child, she would do anything to help you be happy, give it a chance.
I hope this has helped a little, you seem very confused and it’s come at me really fast so hard to get my head around!
August 23, 2014 at 1:48 pm #63842SamdlbParticipantHi Naomi, sorry to hear the predicament that you are in.
Although not on the same level, I understand your situation. Someone I used to be with had been molested by her sister for several years as a child, and she had never told anyone – except from me.
Needless to say when I was the same room as him I wanted to batter him. Unfortunately I also know what it’s like to want revenge. Only a couple of hours ago I received a phone call from a girl i’m “with” (complicated), with a guy speaking telling me to leave her alone as he is screwing him. I don’t know the facts, she might be drunk and he might be a dick trying to wind me up, but I still want to batter him.
In terms of your situation I think it’s important that you understand.
I don’t think it’s important to forgive him, or ever see him again. What I think is important is that understand your own feelings and understand why you feel the way you feel. Clearly you are very angry and held back emotions and confusion all these years, only to be left disappointed and ashamed of a man who you should trust and adore.
What I need you to do, is not be ashamed to be angry. You have every right to be angry. I’d be angry, I’d be furious. It’s what you do with that emotion. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, and as you said, you feel resigned to never seeing him again, so you feel you can’t forgive him. You need to realise that this is okay. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel this way.
I then need you to concentrate on understanding that you can’t change the situation. No matter how disappointed with your father’s response, you can’t change it.
I hope this has helped a little. My head is in a bit of a mess but I think this might help you get started!
August 17, 2014 at 12:12 pm #63545SamdlbParticipantHi Top, I am in a very similar position and I found Heather’s comments very reassuring.
I was always fortunate enough to be able to study and get on at school in every subject without much hassle, but never knew what “I wanted to do”. I always picked what I was good at. I had a couple of years out and after realising the “real world” (especially around here) is a very hard and scary place when you have no idea where you want to go!
I started (and I am now half way through) a law degree. I initially liked the idea of Law, but recently I have found myself dreading the idea of waking up everyday facing a day at an office.
I am not sure how universities work over in the States ( I am in the UK ), but my advice – and what seems to be helping me – is to be patient with yourself. Try not to worry, you are a human being, you will change throughout your life so the things you want from life will be endlessly changing and you may never be satisfied! But while you are studying now learn what you can. These “impractical” interests, go ahead and you pursue these at the same time. Sure it won’t be easy, but you have yourself a deadline of when you graduate so you’ll be motivated, and you are young. If I get to the end of my degree and still don’t want to go into law (or if I haven’t made a success of writing, or bodybuilding or a world famous actor 😉 ) the worst case scenario is – I’ll have a law degree.
I hope this has been of some help. Be true to yourself and do what makes you happy – things will fall into place!
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