I was treated like an OCD on a psychiatry for a while, later they changed my diagnose. I don’t know, maybe there are some OCD moments in my psyche, but the problem I have goes out of that scale. It is the problem of letting go, I was trying to let go few days ago, aggression took over me and I threw chairs and stuff and I was on a spot where I could really let go of any control over myself. I didn’t do it because I was afraid I’m gonna get more aggressive so I suppressed that urge. I’m trying to sit on tw chairs at once, I’d like to let go but to control the outcome, which is impossible. It would be the best if that aggression could be relieved somehow so that it doesn’t come out when I wanna let my control over myself go. But I don’t know is it possible, maybe I really have to go through those aggressive urges by expressing them, even if they’re destructive. I don’t know, I know I feel like in a trap, because the condition I am in now is not good, and the way to a better me, seems to heavy for me at this moment. I feel my experiences I had when I felt the love I described changed me and think my current condition can be related to that. Because I feel I’m on a spiritual journey, but currently paused by this blockade I have. I just don’t know how to overcome it in a peaceful manner.

Thank you for your response and interest in reading the novel I wrote heh.

I just realised how long this post is, maybe some parts are unnecessary, but I feel it’s all important to explain my situation.