Anita,

I think it might start with me accepting my family problems and not seeing the intrinsic darkness in it that is what gets me so low. My dad is stronger, and I think he just sees things a little less deep than I do. I get so dark, wondering about the future, how dark my life is going to become, how sad mental illness is, how horrible it is that we cannot find low cost help for my sister, etc. It goes on and on.

I think my dad sees it more as “my wife isnt herself and its bad, my daughter just had an outburst.” I think he removes himself from the root of it and it keeps him a little lighter and on a more problem solving level. I’m young and not as resilient to life’s troubles, and having literally all of my immediate family members in poor states has me feeling very burdened and scared. The little girl in me is terrified.

With that said, my dad just found out some good news regarding his health as of today, and there is also the good news about my sister and my moms possible treatment. So I am feeling a bit lighter due to the circumstances. The lighter and more hopeful circumstances have me feeling a bit more hopeful overall. A bit of a weight is lifted and I hope that this can snowball positively and shift me back into a positive mindset.

Circumstances are hard, but I am lucky to not be a civilian of Aleppo in Syria right now. I think that this positive shift in circumstances will get the ball rolling on a positive mind set even if circumstances do dip negatively again. If that continues, then maybe the weight issue will lift as well. I just have to focus on each positive moment as it happens and try to stay in the moment.

Anita,
My BMI is 20.5. It used to be somewhere between 18-19. I realize how ridiculous I sound when I talk about such a mere weight change. Most of my pants still fit, etc. I think the main issue is being able to see it in my face. I have always had chubby cheeks, and I just hate taking a photo and thinking the weight gain looks so obvious.

My mom is doing terrible, mentally. She has gotten worse and I believe has fallen into a steady progression of some form of dementia. She keeps falling and doesnt get off the couch all day. We have just found a psychologist to take her to. My other sister is also very mentally unstable. While I was home for Thanksgiving she verbally and physically lashed out when I said something very small she disagreed with. It’s very odd though, as long as you don’t say anything she disagrees with she’s fairly pleasant. My goal is to just be as light, positive and keep to myself while I’m home for Christmas.

Unfortunately, now my father’s health isnt doing well. He is experiencing breathing issues. He used to have a terminal lung disease until he got a lung transplant 10 years ago, but now his breathing is very weak and he is getting all sorts of tests done. My other sister is also openly discussing about how her neuromuscular autoimmune disease has completely debilitated her and tells long accounts on her social media about her daily struggles. It makes me very uncomfortable. I have had to start “hiding” all of the posts that my mom and both sisters make on social media to keep myself at a distance.

It’s safe to say that things are pretty dark in my household but I am doing my very best to rise above.

Anita,

That’s interesting, thank you for sharing about your mother. Maybe I would have to cut contact to be happier in the long run? I’m not sure. That might be something for me to think about.

I do think that I am separate. Not unaffected, per se. But since youth I have always been fairly different from my sisters and the rest of my family. With that said, sometimes I’m afraid their issues will “catch up to me” (as far as developing the same mental illnesses, falling into depression or a lack of progression in life) so I think I try to consciously separate myself from them as to not fall into the same life and issues.

Anita, it’s sort of a mix between both of those issues. They aren’t mutually exclusive. I think part of the commitment issues and immaturity stem from timing of his life being a factor if that makes sense. We need time in life to work out our issues, some things don’t make sense yet. However, it is also timing in a more literal and shallow sense with him starting school, etc.

The lyrics are varied. They are all sorts of things about break ups and loving a special girl and losing her, not seeing what they had before they lost her, etc.

Anita,

I agree that some of those aspects don’t necessarily line up. My 28 year old sister has some deep rooted issues with my mother, however for the most part we all agree that we had a perfect childhood. If anything I believe a major issue of my mothers was being overly involved, and my parents being what today is known as the “helicopter parent”. Which is why I believe its taken my sister so long to get her act together, because my parents have never truly forced her to. Part of it is wondering if she’s even capable, but another part is never forcing her to just fail and learn on her own.

Since I was the youngest, they were less involved and thats why I was able to figure things out on my own better. (I think?)

Hi Anita.

I had the new guy that I am interested in over last night. We met just a week ago but this is our third time hanging out, so it seems that there is a mutual desire to keep seeing each other and hanging out. I was texting my friend this morning and she asked how it went, so I told her.

Up until this guy, I had been seeing multiple guys but no one really “fit the bill” for me. I felt so guilty playing the field! My friends assured me I was single and not exclusive with anyone. Well, I briefly told my friend I feel like that’s happening to me with my new guy but I told her that I’m probably just being paranoid. Just wondering if “karma will come to get me” sort of thing. I also told her how while I was showing my guy something on his phone, a text popped up from a girl. Because I’m very interested in this guy, yes I did get a little anxious and that is what sort of sparked this whole thought process. That he’s playing the field too. Which is 100% fair! I kind of stopped talking to all the other guys once I met this one this past week, but I still can understand if he hasn’t cut off contact with any other girls yet. Like I said, we aren’t exclusive and have only been seeing each other a week. She can also totally be a friend. Do you see my point? My mind gets very obsessive. Ahh.

Regardless, I mentioned all of this to my friend. Normal girlfriend chit chat stuff about our crushes. That was when she told me I’m overthinking this and being too intense. It’s not that I don’t get her point, because she is right. But it’s just kind of the way she phrased it all. This will happen with much smaller things, though. I am a very analytical person, and I don’t think she likes being that way or thinking far into things. Trust me, I wish I wasn’t this way either but I can’t help it!

I do have a tendency (with all the other guys I was seeing) to think that they’re great at first and then am like “wait, never mind” once the thrill wears off. So I think she’s just exhausted with all my ups and downs. Maybe I am a loon, who knows.