I’m grateful for the replies to my message and feel very comforted by them. It gives me hope that Lily you will reach out to me simply to send a kind message to a person you do not know. Inky, your message has gone straight to the point with warnings and advices of which I will heed. Very helpful indeed. And my very special heartfelt thanks AikiBen. Your message is one that touches me most. I am so doubtful of myself at the moment and your words are more than comforting. The words have given me the courage to go on. I’m unsure whether I’m doing anything right at all anymore. And your affirmation has helped so much.

I will not return to his city. Essentially I’ve been kicked out of my own home. I read on the internet, on various forums, partners whom abandon their family left the house, not kick the wife and child out. This is something I cannot pardon. I’ve tried to be matured about this. Whenever he calls to FT his daughter, I was always friendly. I don’t need to try. I just don’t want to go down the “anger route” and be bitter about it. My family does not understand. He said he wanted to come visit his daughter, which he did. I facilitated the bookings of his hotel room, which annoyed some of my friends even. My mother and some friends cannot understand why I could remain on “friendly terms” with him. For me, he is the father of my child. I must be cordial. I got to be above all this I kept telling myself.

He visited for two weeks in Sep, during which we sent our child to school like any parents would do. I introduced him to the childcare teachers, they were surprised that we behaved so “normally”. We weren’t nasty to each other. I tried to be nice and gracious, but it hurt.

When we had breakfast together (I took a few mornings off from work), I told him I’m ready for a divorce and had prepared the papers. He said it’s not his priority. He looked and behaved so defiantly. As if I’m the one at fault. I felt I am the one that is entirely to be blamed for everything but I know I’m not. When things like that happens, two parties are to be responsible. I’m not a saint. I know I had made mistakes. I was critical and had high expectations. I only go to him because I didn’t have any other support apart from him and that stifled him. But I feel he could’ve talked to me. He said he did, but I was headstrong and didn’t listen. I know my fault is that I’ve made him feel he couldn’t communicate with me. But I see no reason why it has to come to such a drastic end. For him to cut me off from one day to another so suddenly. Am I really that horrible a person?

Anyway, he said he wanted me to sponsor his residency to come to my city. He’s “still thinking” whether he wants to stay in my city or around my city. But he is sure that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. For me, this is so bad. Because on one hand I don’t want our child to be without a father, on the other, I want to move on and heal but I can’t. Not with him bouncing in and out of my life. I told him I’d help him. I sponsored his application for residency. I know my actions are contradicting to what I’m logically thinking and saying. I’m simply hoping that with time, I will be more clear-headed.

Apart from feeling scared, I am feeling so lost. I feel weak. I wish to let things run its own course. I believe time will make things clearer. But in the meanwhile, I’m all over the place. There is still never a day I don’t wake up thinking of the man I used to loved. I know he’s changed. But there’s part of me that things depression isn’t his fault either. I’m babbling on…I’m not making any sense (sigh)..!

He left for his city right after. And since then until now, it’s only FT between his daughter and him and I’m the “invisible facilitator”. I look at my career, which has come to a complete standstill. I’m getting nowhere but I must provide for our child. I’m afraid if anything happens to me she will be alone.

I’m lost. If only I’ve got a crystal ball to look into the future…Thank you so much for “hearing me out”.