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Ryan

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  • January 26, 2016 at 6:09 pm in reply to: Why Cant I Be Satisfied? #93851
    Ryan
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    @Dina — Re: How else do you deal with the wiring so it doesnt drive you completely insane?

    I spend a lot of time investigating why I’m wired to be more unsatisfied than the typical human. I haven’t found a single, straightforward solution — maybe someone out there has some secret?

    At the core of my particular situation, I think my faulty wiring centers around an unconscious belief that I have little-to-no value/worth. My brain seems to believe that, at any moment, the people in my life will see how worthless I am — and they’ll leave me to fend for myself.

    Additionally, it’s pretty clear that I have a strong belief that intimate relationships will hurt my ability to survive — this is evidenced by my incredibly strong reactions to normal intimate situations.

    In the past, these beliefs combined me to be a workaholic, which I justified in all the typical ways. But I can see now that the workaholic strategy will never really achieve the happiness/joy I’m hoping to achieve.

    Current things that seem to be helping me:
    1. Mindfulness throughout my day (I take about an hour total throughout the day for breathing/checking-in with myself)
    2. Talk therapy (it’s expensive, but I can easily point to the dividends it has returned my career, relationships, and happiness/joy)
    3. Goal-based decision-making (mainly just trying to stop letting my train of thoughts dictate my actions, because those mindlessly-made actions seem to be what keeps me in my anxious/unsatisfied state)

    I suppose, that also, after writing this (and reading your suggestion about talking), I might find some value in talking with the people in my life about the worthlessness that I feel — maybe asking them if they actually think I am worthless.

    What about you?

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Ryan.
    January 26, 2016 at 12:15 pm in reply to: Why Cant I Be Satisfied? #93823
    Ryan
    Participant

    I have this same wiring in my brain. I think a lot of other people have this wiring, too. In fact, I think this is quite common wiring with which humans evolved over the ages: Humans who had a strong wiring towards “unsatisfaction” were probably pulled towards securing more resources to survive. They tended to work harder, store more food, fight for the best shelter, and survive longer.

    This drive for survival is great and all, but I think that where things get screwed up is: when we feel unsatisfied, it’s really really hard to feel enjoyment/happiness/satisfaction. And if happiness is your goal in life, then an overly strong “unsatisfaction wiring” system can hamper your happiness.

    I have this situation in my brain especially. My brain has been so unsatisfied for years that I have a fantastic job, a supportive partner, solid health, and a comfortable house — but my brain rarely lets me simply enjoy these things.

    A few years ago I started to see that people who had far less of a “successful life” (well, what our culture says is successful) than me were actually far more satisfied that I was. I started digging into this (with some help from a therapist), and it’s been a journey.

    Every once in a while (maybe like an hour or two every few months, and it has slowly been increasing), my brain releases its death grips and lets me actually see clearly what I have in my life, and it’s awesome when it does. It feels better than any “success” that I have achieved in my career. It feels like real happiness, real joy. And what’s funny is that no “thing” in my life has changed in those moments, my brain is simply seeing, with clarity, what is already in my life.

    I can tell that people with less of the “unsatisfaction wiring” experience these awesome moments far more often than I do.

    If happiness/joy is really what we’re chasing, then battling this overly strong unsatisfaction wiring is the actual work that people like me must do.

    I have more thoughts on this, but I gotta get back to work; so I’ll stop here for now.

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