I guess it is.  So I have to make it clear that I won’t have sex if I am not feeling it…which may be never.  The thing is, I have been starting to think that sex doesn’t HAVE to be part of a loving relationship.  Does that mean I hav now come out as “asexual”??? I’m being sarcastic really.  I don’t like labels.

Ok.  Not sure what time zone you are in – I’m CST.

The other part of your question I will answer now

Her:

-she benefits nutritionally from my cooking. She otherwise doesn’t cook (says she ‘can’t’) and eats horribly.

-I introduced her to kayaking which she really enjoys and would likely not have gotten into if I was not in her life

-companionship.  We definitely both benefit from this.  As you say we are social beings and neither of us want to be alone.

-I am he handy person around the house, which is helpful because she is not !

So, since I last posted she sent an email.  I would actually like to share it and get other people’s input but it is too personal and she would be mortified. I do worry about confidentiality posting on such a wide forum. My heart shifted in my chest when her email popped up.  If it means anything, I panicked thinking she was breaking it off with me, strange as that response may seem.  I observed my response – trying to practice some of what I am learning in mindfulness meditation- and thought it was perhaps telling.  Part of me wanted to respond right away because what she said made me feel hopeful.  She is taking responsibility for her part in what she is calling the erosion of our bond.  I chose to wait – meditated for a few minutes and then went for a run.  Another interesting thing I noticed was that I was concerned about how long I was taking to respond, thinking she would be waiting and I didn’t  want HER to panic. Something I do all the time, is take responsibility for other people’s reactions etc.  So I chose to say ‘Thank you.  This means a lot and is good to hear. I need to process this for awhile.  Let’s talk about it in therapy tomorrow ok?”  This is progress for me.  I am trying to break patterns that I have repeated in 2 other long-term relationships.  I stopped  my knee jerk  reaction of responding right away to make the other person feel better.

I have it checked off ‘notify me of follow up replies ‘ via email.  So I get an email from ‘tiny buddha’.  I was able to hit reply, so I did.  I thought it would the same as responding on this page.  Obviously not…

Just who you are…anything. Right now you are words on a screen!

Are you around your computer much today?

Because i have been avoiding breaking up and now I am seeing the writing on the wall (except it’s on my iPad).

1) distress level 7/10 – has come in waves over the years.  Things will build up to a head and then I feel like running (my default is to run – it’s my pattern)

2) physical intimacy usually distresses me…to the point that I can only ‘go there’ after a few drinks.

3) she always treats me with respect

4) i don’t find her non-sexual touch particularly comforting. It feels that something is missing….I think it is missing genuine tenderness.  This is not good because it is what I desire most…nurturing/caring/tenderness.  She says she did not receive affection as a child, so this is not natural for her.  It’s really sad.

5) our conversations are not stimulating.  I like to philosophize and dive deep.  We communicate on a different level and I honestly find it quite boring – not all the time, but enough. Unfortunately I end up tuning her out too often (not proud of that and I have been trying to work on this).  Strangely this is harder for me to answer than the rest. It seems terrible to say these things.

6) I’ll leave til tomorrow.  Need to retire for the night. Looking forward to more dialogue…

thanks so much.