Hello Anita, and Prash,

It’s me. The short break I needed to take turned out to be much longer in the end.  It’s a month or so since my last post.

In this time, I had my summer break. And I attended a mentor’s funeral. It was just a few days apart from my father’s death anniversary.  It felt strange.. thinking that she’s gone. She was a kind and good mentor to me, and grieving her loss was so much more straightforward. When I found out that she was very ill, I couldn’t help but burst into tears. It felt so different from when I attended my dad’s funeral – I couldn’t cry then and I felt so put on the spot.

How have you been? I hope you’ve been well. I hope it’s OK that I went away for this long without saying anything.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I often feel confused about who is responsible for what. It is hard for me to figure out. I think I can be very sensitive to people’s response to me. I guess I might also have expectations as to how I feel relationships or exchanges should go, even if it’s not something I consciously think about. It is very hard for me to know or feel like someone might be angry with me or doesn’t like me. I would overthink their facial expressions, what is said not said, they kept silent etc… I would overthink to try to figure out what I might have done wrong, if I offended them, was I being stupid etc… and it starts getting confusing and complicated.. and the cringing usually starts soon after.

When I feel myself starting to react internally in the presence of the person(s), I don’t usually react externally at first, or at least I try not to make a big action. I might feel confused or unsure, usually the confused shocked feelings come first.. then I might feel hurt and angry. But in the 1st moments, I try to go away to have my own space. Someone I work with on an evening has made comments before about this that I’m hiding away. That can make me feel more unsure, like I don’t know if she’s doing it purposely, and it feels like my action is not being respected. But maybe she’s just being her.. which includes being direct. But I don’t think I would do that to someone else if it were me. But am I being a snowflake?

I’m sorry to hear that it was the same for you, having a mother that attacked you. But I’m also hopeful since you’ve survived and healing, and I’m really glad to be able to share with you. Did you or have you had the same sorts of struggles too?

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your suggestions. They sound like good ideas for me to try. I will make a list and adjust as I go along. I’m curious to see how that goes. I do like gardening and it’s helped me recover before. At night is harder, but I’ve found browsing something on the internet helps. I’ll try and do everything slowly. New concept. Tai chi sounds interesting. I think an AM PM routine sounds good for me.

Actually I’m female. But I think I do feel like relationships with guys are more straightforward, because of my complicated relationship with my mother. Yes, my mother sometimes went very silent after an outburst, sometimes before, sometimes ignored me to punish in a passive aggressive way (I hated this), and then she would suddenly attack out of nowhere. It was really horrible and caught me or anyone on the receiving end off guard. There was also another side to her deadness. It just deadened everything around her. I was often so scared, even as a teenager or young adult … probably even now.. although she’s gotten mellower now and things look somewhat different now, but I still feel stressed and distressed a lot at the thought of her. The fear was and is like this killer. I was terrified of her as a child. She could kill someone with a look. And she was often in a bad mood, often seemed like she was suffering and nothing could penetrate this mood. It was like she was in her own bubble. I would feel under pressure to make it better, I would be scared and not know what’s going on with her, and felt like I didn’t know what to do. There’s so much to say about this and about my relationship with her.

I was wondering – when you say eliminate distressing relationships from my life, those that make me cringe, feel full of conflicts – do you also mean relationships that I have gotten all tangled up in as a result of my yearning and replaying side? There are some relationships that I can more easily identify as being bad for me, but some are less easy. I’m not sure if it’s just me and maybe if it was somebody else in a healthier place, it would be completely fine. But maybe you mean that I should keep my distance anyway because it’s still causing me distress that I can’t manage or to repeat a pattern that I can’t yet help?

Dear Anita, thanks for your replies. Yes, I think you’re right. Fear festers describes what happens with me to a T. Often times, i actually feel like I’m just a carrier for all these worries and fears and panicky thoughts and feelings. I had a bad night’s sleep last night because I couldn’t stop the fear from taking over. It was a horrible feeling, just lying there and hoping to get some rest, but things just keep replaying in my mind, and I feel so beat up and tired now. What can I do during these times? Or what I can do in general? What steps can I take to help myself? I wonder if you could share your experience and your steps with me?

I can see how slowing can help, I feel it helps to talk about things here for example, that slows it down for me. But when it gets bad, it feels very hard to be mindful. It feels like I’m beyond help at those times I think. The bad feelings, shame really come on.. and sometimes it becomes a deadening feeling.. I should just give up… and it reminds me of my mother. She was out of control a lot, but I think she was also ‘dead’ a lot. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with her where she was simply interested in talking with and finding out about me. I’ll write more about her and my relationship with her in a next post. I think that will be a really long post and a really long read. I really appreciate you listening and responding to me.

My therapy is based on psychoanalytic ideas. It works on a deeper level, the unconscious, through relationships, and doesn’t conflict with mindfulness. I’ve learnt a lot about myself through this work. I guess I have slowed down, even if I still have a long way to go.

I find it very hard to bear some of my feelings. It’s what makes me want to run. I discovered recently that I was passed to a nanny when I was 2 months old. I stayed with my nanny’s family during the week and was returned to my parents over the weekend, and this was the arrangement until I was 2. It was like I was constantly being sent off, and constantly coming and going.

Dear Anita, thanks for your response. I thought it was really insightful. And you know what, it felt strange to read someone else’s response to my story. It feels different to put it down on type, out there, even if I have talked about myself mostly in my therapy. It made me feel tingly and almost like an adrenaline rush coming on. I don’t know whether that might be linked with my still seeking part. I think so.

I agree with you. We repeat things everywhere. What has your process been? How have you done it and still doing it? It’s painstaking? I feel like my process has been an ongoing battle.. I suppose in some ways some things have changed and I’ve grown, but it’s still very very hard!! Hard enough to make me feel like I’m on the brink sometimes.